Time goes by

Where does the time go? It just seems to fly past these days.

How are you all? Is life treating you well?

Life is pretty good on the whole for me right now. I have my ups and downs but more uppers than downers.

I’m very busy at work – acting Manager for my section again at the moment as well as doing my own job. I’ve also volunteered to take on another project ‘on the side’ which is quite time consuming as well. For the first time in my career I actually get paid higher duties for doing a higher level job so the extra cash is very welcome. I’ve also applied to do a management course next year (at my organisation’s expense) but I am not sure they’ll approve it as I am only a contract employee. My contract, which is up in March 2010 is going to be extended for another year until March 2011 so that is great news and a big relief. Still enjoying the job very much.

JB and I continue our relationship. We continue to have fun together but there is also a lot of serious, deep and meaningful discussions happening too. We go round in circles a lot and end up disappearing up our own proverbials at times. No closer to any real resolutions or decisions other than to maintain the status quo for now. Who knows how long this will last? I certainly don’t. For now we are both getting something good from the connection and neither really seriously wants to end things. Even though we know we are on borrowed time.

It is getting hot here lately and I’ve been very slack about going to the gym – I don’t like it in the heat even though it is airconditioned. I have stopped running as well and am just going for 5km walks most days to keep some level of activity going. I will try to get motivated to go back to the gym (esp for the weights) and do some running when it isn’t too hot. Work is so full on, the weather is hot and I stay up late on chat every night with JB and so I get a bit tired and hence slack about the exercise.

So there is nothing new to really update you with. Things are cruising with the odd spot of rough weather. Christmas/New Year may be tough as I won’t be seeing much of JB over that time but I know I’ll survive. I need to spring clean my house, tidy up my garden and I’d love to do some painting as I’ve not done anything creative for ages. I’m also working through the break except public holidays. Before we know it it will be 2010!

I’ve examined my astrology too lately and there have been some interesting trends over the past few years that I’d like to share with you sometime. I’ll post about those separately.

If I don’t get back here soon, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone.

Soul searching

It is a Sunday morning. I’ve been back from my NZ trip for 6 days. The trip was wonderful and I enjoyed every moment of it in such a beautiful country. It was great to catch up with friends and I have to confess to some serious shoe shopping in Wellington – I have never seen such wonderful shoes before. I had to liberate two pairs and bring them home with me.

I had one day of leave left before I went back to work and JB took the day off and we spent it together. It was lovely. So nice to see each other again. He had emailed me every day I was away and I think he genuinely missed me for that two weeks. I think he missed me far more than I missed him as I was the one out and about with friends in a different environment.

Here I am though, a few days later, doing some serious soul searching. Part of the purpose of the trip was to do this but I actually didn’t do any while I was away. I was just in a state of happy contentment the whole time. Not that that is a bad thing. But the anticlimax had to come at some point and now it has.

It started on Friday evening. As always I came home to an empty house and a fairly empty weekend. It hit me like a ton of bricks that despite everything wonderful in my life I am still basically alone. There was a chance to see JB last night but that fell through – the downside of this sort of arrangement. But even before he texted me I had a strong feeling it wouldn’t eventuate.  The whole point for me though, is that I basically wanted to be with him the whole weekend - that is the stage we are at. And I know he reciprocates that feeling. So it is a bit frustrating.

So I went out and spent the evening with my best friend which was nice. But something has been brewing since Friday and this morning I’ve finally just sat with it (and a cup of coffee of course to let it make itself conscious. It is about values, visions and what I want out of life. Its bigger than just my relationship with JB. And more and more lately I’ve been realising that JB and I do not have the same values or vision for our futures. I don’t mean in terms of being together; I mean he wants a different sort of life than I do. His focus is different to mine. We are basically incompatible on that most important of levels.

My previous flame, P, on the other hand, had the same basic values and goals as me. That is why I fell in love with him and could envisage a future with him. We had so much in common on those deeper levels. Even though I am over P and wouldn’t want to go back with him even if the opportunity arose, I did find myself shedding a few tears again this morning for what might have been with him.

JB and I have never been about long term or commitment or anything like that. I am not in love with him. I tend not to fantasise or visualise any sort of long term future with him. We have much in common and have lots of fun together – he is really just so enjoyable to be with – but his vision of his future differs from my vision of my future. His focus is setting himself up comfortably for retirement so he can do  and have the good things in life and wind down gently toward the end of his life in the (hopefully) distant future. Nothing wrong with that – it is what a great majority of people want. He is quite materialistic in focus. He is very driven by society’s (and family) expectations.

I wish I could be like that as I think it could make life simpler, and it would make finding a partner simpler too – for as I said those are the values of the majority. I do still very much want a partner – I do not enjoy being alone so much these days as I did when I was younger. I want to share the journey with a significant other. But I can’t twist myself into the mold of most of society.

P didn’t give a toss about society’s expectations. He valued the creative life and giving something back to the world as he had so much himself. He thought deeply about things and looked at the whole rather than the parts. He wouldn’t vote for a political party because it gave him the best deal – he voted for the party that gave the community the best deal. He had a real social conscience.  And he challenged and fought the status quo.

He and I shared those values. That is not to say the he was perfect. In many ways JB is a much better, kinder, more compassionate man. And I am still besotted with JB, yet I can see beyond that to our basically different outlooks on life. I’ve never seen this relationship as having long term potential. JB gets quite vehement that whatever happens we need to stay friends for life – he says he needs me in his life and I can’t just disappear after a year or two. I have told him there are no guarantees in life and I can’t promise we’ll stay friends. He is not used to short term; he is used to stability and permanence. That is what his life has given him up until he met me. I’m the opposite having never had any sort of stability or permanence in any area of my life.

Anyway, today I am thinking about my future. I am thinking about what it is that I need to be doing with my life. It comes back again and again to the film making and multimedia. It comes back to management. It comes back to creativity. It comes back to education. Funnily enough, they are all things that JB can or could do easily but he doesn’t really have an interest I don’t think. He doesn’t have that calling, from the heart, to do something along these lines. But I want to find a partner that I can work with or who at least supports what I am doing whilst doing his own thing to give back to the world. It is not P for sure. It is unlikely to be JB unless he undergoes a shift in focus (which is not what I am trying to do by being with him).

Talking to my single female friends, they mostly all want partners yet at the same time they all basically like living on their own and having their own space. I used to be like that but I am now not enjoying living alone. My emotional need these days is to have someone to share my life with. It doesn’t necessarily mean living together in the same house – but I need someone who is there for me (and me for him) at any time and who I can expect to share time with – with no competing priorities. I still want to be someone’s number 1. 

In the meantime though, I have to just keep focussed on my work; try to cultivate the multimedia as a hobby; and just enjoy the time JB and I have together and continue to learn and grow through our interactions. He is a beautiful human being who gives me so much yet I know there is a use by date on this relationship. Can’t read what that date is yet but it is there.

Today is an introspective day. I have spent a great deal of the weekend alone which is not my preference but is just my reality. I have come down to earth after a period of being on a high of one sort or another. I am not depressed, upset or devastated. No, I think I am just facing reality and trying to sit with it rather than struggle against it. Trying to tune in to the messages life is sending me. I am still a long way from what I want in life, but the journey is turning out to be a good one these days.

Hello world

I’m still here. I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without posting before. Well it is a good sign. I’ve mentioned before that the more angsty I am feeling the more I need to post and release the tension.

There are a couple of reasons I haven’t been posting. Firstly, is because I am, all in all, happy at the moment. I do want to share that happiness and the causes of it but that leads to the second reason for my silence – the desire to protect other people’s privacy. I post anonymously and it is highly unlikely anyone who knows me reads this blog, but just in case they ever do I need to remain reticent. Also many things are not mine to tell.

In a few days time I am off to New Zealand for a couple of weeks to visit friends. I am travelling over there on my own but will be with friends once there – firstly in the South Island  outside of Christchurch and then finishing up with a long weekend in Wellington. It will be nice to get away for a while and have a complete break. I still love my job but it has been pretty intense recently and I am feeling a bit burnt out. The whole year has been intense and I haven’t had a break since December last year.

So professional life is going well. Personal life is also good. Has its ups and downs as everyone’s does, but still I am getting a huge amount out of it. I am enjoying my life at the moment. First time for everything! Sure its not ideal or perfect (and what would that look like anyway?) but it holds enough to satisfy me. Lots of growth occuring as well as much fun, affection, tenderness, communication and acceptance.  Spending time with another beautiful soul – I feel very privileged and lucky.

I’m hoping to spend the first week in NZ getting in touch with higher things. My friends run a spiritual school and I’ll join in some of their meditations and classes and I dare say have many deep and meaningful discussions with them. They used to live here and we used to study together a few years ago so it will be a pleasure to see them again. The peace and tranquility of the place they live will be very healing (I’ve been there before).

Then a long weekend in Wellington playing up and having some fun with another friend – this one I met last year on a cruise and we hit it off. She lives in Auckland and will meet me halfway in Wellington.

My life is full of blessings at the moment. I am appreciating it and trying to live in the moment and go with the flow. I know the rules – nothing is permanent – this too shall pass – but enjoy the moment as you live it. Plenty of that going on for me right now.

So this is it

Finally I am having fun in my life. Being a Capricorn I seem to live life backwards. I am living out experiences that many have in their teens and early twenties – back then I was too serious and intense to really enjoy myself.

I am also learning what it is like to actually be nurtured and cherished by someone. I am discovering how to openly, honestly and respectfully communicate in a deep and meaningful way. I’m learning not to hold things back, not to brood or stew. I am finding that no matter what I do or say or how I do or say it, I am accepted, forgiven, respected, admired, empathised with and yes, even loved. Regardless.

Far from pulling away from me the opposite has occurred. For once I actually feel I am the one least engaged in a relationship. That is bizarre especially in the circumstances. And yet, I feel the intensity coming at me is more than that going back. And I love it. It is empowering to encounter this.

I am being given affection, understanding, empathy, gifts, deep communication and connection. I am experiencing passion, intensity and wild, crazy zaniness. There is lots of laughter, some tears, dancing, singing, living…

I need this.  It is a neccessary step on my path of self growth. Surely it doesn’t always have to be hard work and pain? For now I am living in the moment, perhaps acting a bit recklessly at times, but I am feeling, experiencing, being. Yes I am still in my head rather too much but that is changing too. I thought I analysed a lot! I’m not the only one.

There is also much soul searching going on on both sides. There is a compulsion to this situation that may well pass with a bit more time. A lot of things won’t change and all of this will come to an end. Doesn’t everything? That is no reason to not go into something. Fear of it ending, fear of being hurt. Nobody truly lives if they live always within safety and comfort zones. What I am gaining, what we both are gaining, is immeasurable.

This may be a repeat pattern in some ways but it is like nothing I’ve ever known before. I am filled with gratitude for this opportunity.

Absence

I’ve been rather preoccupied lately and obviously haven’t been blogging. I’ve had some lovely emails from people checking I’m ok. Love you all.

I am fine, having my usual ups and downs but mostly ups – and learning so much about myself and about relationships. Am acting manager at work right now too and that is taking a lot of my energies.

Sorry not to have responded to the comments left recently – I plan to remedy this over the upcoming weekend.

Blessings to you all.

Namaste

Zen

Relationships

A friend sent me an email today that contained the following quote:

God  doesn’t give you the people you want, He gives you the  people you NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave  you, to love you and to make you into the person you  were meant to be.

This makes sense to me and reflects not only my reality but my thinking as it is evolving. Interestingly enough it is evolving to include a point of view I used to hold dearly but have tended to repress of late.

About relationships. I read an article on the weekend that reminded me of what I’ve thought all along. That relationships are the way we learn about ourselves and grow. But self growth and self development do not promote stability in relationships, and we need to be prepared to let go of them when their purpose is served. Whether that takes a lifetime or a short time. Too many hang on to relationships well past their useful life. People get stuck in comfort zones and are too scared to take the leap into the unknown alone. I can understand that very much.

The article said that we are caught up in what society promotes, aided by the media, the arts and the new age movement. It is hard to break free from the old ideals of a lifelong marriage, the happy ever after scenario, or the ‘one true love’ or ’soul mate’ ideal. I don’t think these are healthy thoughtforms for us to conform to in the modern age. I’m not saying you can’t have these things but to expect them, even demand them, is counter productive to our development. I’ve bought into it myself. I do believe in commitment and interdependence. I do believe that you can have a great relationship that grows along with the two involved and can perhaps last the rest of your life. But if we take a look around us this doesn’t happen all that often anymore. But we expect that once we’ve found ‘the one’ it will be everlasting, and so it becomes painful and sometimes impossible to walk away when the karmic debts have been paid off. Because many relationships are exactly that – we come together to redress the balance of karma – and to learn a particular lesson. Once done, the relationship may have no need for existence. But so many of us cling to the other person or the institution of marriage itself, because society at large still says that is what one should do.

The same site also had an article that addressed an astrological aspect I have (Jupiter conjunct the descendent). It said that this commonly meant that great learning came through intimate relationships but often meant multiple, serial relationships rather than one long lasting one.  I hadn’t heard that interpretation before.

Self growth is not comfortable. It is not painless. Many avoid it at all costs. Others embrace it. More still probably strike a balance. If relationships are a way to facilitate self development by mirroring then possibly more, rather than less, are useful in these days of growing self awareness. The article described it as serial monogomy. It isn’t promoting dashing out and having multiple intimate relationships simultaneously (although why not if it serves the purpose) nor is it promoting hurting others. But I do feel strongly about people who try to protect others from hurt, thereby not allowing them the opportunity to explore all aspects of life and of their own psyches. I’m talking about adults here by the way – not children who do need to be protected to some degree.

I do not advocate deliberately hurting others or being totally self centred. But I also do not advocate martyrdom and self sacrifice if there is actually no growth potential in it for those involved. Ultimately, we are all attempting to find our way back to that perfect everlasting relationship – with our own soul. It might not sound all that sexy but it is what we all crave deep down even though we often don’t realise it. And our relationships with others is meant to facilitate that journey back to our own Selves and to help us to open up our hearts.

So yes, I do believe ‘God’ gives us who we need in our lives at any given time. The task before us is to decide what role those people are to play and how we can mutually benefit each other. This is something I am pondering on a lot right now. So often we interpret attraction at the sexual and romantic levels (perhaps those are the issues we are still working on) when quite possibly there is some higher purpose for our union. I think the energy flows to the chakras that are ‘needy’ or unfulfilled and in need of healing. That can distract us from the real purpose of a relationship. But until those lower needs are fulfilled I wonder if we can operate at the higher energetic levels.

It is a complex process being a human being in the 21st century.

I can relate…

Another Saturday night …

10pm Saturday night. What an awful day today has been in terms of my mood. Still feeling maudlin. I was out to dinner this evening with a friend who is over from interstate. Ended up dining with her and her parents and playing the pokies! Not my idea of a fun night out. I was home soon after 9.30pm. On a Saturday night! What a party animal I am.

I want to have a good, fun social life with lots of dancing and flirting and letting my hair down. I try so hard to find groups to do this with but it isn’t so easy to break into established groups. None of my friends seem to want to do what I want to do. The only time I ever seem to let loose and have fun is when JB is around and we hit the town. It is scary to be dependent on one person for your social life.

It seems to me, at my age, that most groups are made up of couples. Usually they’ve known each other a long time. Newcomers, especially single ones, are not welcome very often. I have quite a few friends but none of them know each other – there is no social crowd I hang with – I have individual friendships. I have tried to find groups to become involved in and this has worked to some extent – but the groups break up along the way or are based around activities such as meditation. Much as I love the spiritual stuff, I also want to party a bit and let rip. I am not the person to go to pubs and clubs by myself – I like the security of a group – at the very least one other friend.

Where is rent-a-crowd when you need them?

Big night out

Last night was a big night.  JB and I live near each other so had gone to a dinner in his car. I was designated driver (I had to drive to and from his place anyway).  A few of us moved on to a pub afterwards and after a while everyone decided to head home.  JB and I were headed home at the end of the evening and he suddenly said, lets go get coffee somewhere. We ended up at a pub with a DJ playing good old fashioned vinyl – old stuff from the 70s. JB and I danced for hours. What a great time we had. He had had a few drinks but I was sober in terms of alcohol. However, I was on some other kind of high  – you know those times when you’ve not indulged in any drugs or alcohol but you just seem to spark and fizz anyway?

He told me I looked really hot. Music to my ears.  After several hours we drove home listening to Led Zeppelin amongst other things. He made me drive really slowly round the block so we could hear the song out.  He has the best car and I was thrilled to drive it.

I got home at 2am and didn’t sleep too well before the alarm went off at 6am. In to work and I can tell you I wasn’t functioning at my best today. In fact right now, at 8pm, I am about ready to crawl into bed. I had a sleepless night (with lots of alcohol) last week, and then a late one last night (only a little alcohol but lots of natural highs). Next week we have another night away that will probably be a binge as well (I doubt we’ll be too late this time though). We are neither of us as young as we once were and found it hard to bounce back today.

The level of comfort and understanding and trust is marvelous. I feel like he is a really great mate and that we do connect deeply.  It feels to me like we’ve known each other forever.

Friday on my mind

It is the final Friday. My month long stay in purgatory is nearly at an end.

Does that sound suitably dramatic

Boy, I’ve covered a lot of ground in my thinking in the past four weeks. I’m in a much saner, calmer place for now. And I believe a much more responsible place. (But it sure ain’t as enjoyable or light hearted!!!)

Work has been quite stressful lately – not in a bad way – in a busy way. Lots of pressure with no light relief. I am looking forward to hitting the gym and doing some boxing later on.

I’ve mixed feelings. I want to move on with the next stage of things – see how things are after the break – and settle down into, hopefully, a good working relationship with perhaps friendship thrown in too.

I need to really practise mental discipline and control my thoughts. I need to clean up my mental act (and astral). It is just another learning opportunity – a chance to develop more skills and control. I don’t have good control over my thoughts but that is mostly due to laziness and contrariness (I don’t want to stop some of the thoughts I have as I enjoy them so much).  I’m like a rebellious teenager – I know the right behaviours but don’t want to put them into practice. I just want fun and instant gratification. I didn’t have a lot of that when I was a teenager. I think I was serious and sensible during that phase of my life.

I’ve started wearing one of my grandmother’s lockets as a symbol of a long, lasting union between two people – and as a reminder to aim for that myself. I have three of her lockets with photos of her and my grandfather at different life stages.  I love the continuity of that. They are both long deceased but their heritage lives on within me. Both sets of grandparents had long happy marriages, my parents are still happily married, my brother is happily married – the gene is in my family It can’t have completely overlooked me.

Thank U India

Ok I love this song. And it means a great deal to me because I also owe a huge debt to India. During my three months living there I did much soul searching, healed some old wounds and made some decisions about how to lead my life. For a while I got caught up in other things and forgot… but I’ve been remembering again lately. My time in India was life changing and very powerful. The last four weeks have, in a strange way, been a mini repeat of that time – its been a time of remembering and reaffirming what I learnt back then in 2007.  Reaffirming the choices I made at that time.

Thankyou India.

Gym

It is less than three weeks since Rajah died. I can’t quite believe it – it seems so much longer. I’m doing ok, thoughts of him do sometimes leap out and ambush me, but not too often. The other night I had a letter from the council and before I even opened it I knew it would be Rajah’s dog registration renewal notice.  So that triggered things a bit. He’s never far from my mind but I am not dwelling on things.

Work has been a great distraction. I love this job more every day. Last night the social club at work put on drinks from 4pm. Somehow or other I ended up drinking three glasses of wine very quickly on an empty stomach. I was having a great time though, I must say. Then those of us who come to work together in a fleet car had to leave. We got to the location where we park our cars each morning and one guy refused to let me drive myself home. He insisted on driving me home and told me I’d have to work out a way to get my car in the morning. I was embarrassed I must say – even more so because I knew he was in a rush to get home as he hadvisitors coming over.

After he dropped me off I was bouncing off the walls with energy (this gym business is really paying off!) so I decided to walk / run back to where my car was parked as that would sober me up. It is 9.5 km from my house and it took me 90 minutes and I got such a buzz out of it. It is along a main road so it was well lit and busy with cars so I was not in any danger of molestation. It was drizzling but I wore my waterproof and was fine.

JB texted me this morning. I told him about my escapades and said if I kept up this intensity of physical activity he’d have to start calling me Xena! (As an aside I absolutely adore Xena and would love to have a physique like hers!)

I have been going to the gym 6 days a week and I love it. I can’t believe I love it as I’ve never been into gyms before – but I do love it. I do cardio daily and weights every second day. I guess I spend 60-90 mins there each day including cool down stretching. I’m noticing the extra energy I have and the changes (for the better) to my body shape. I’ve dropped a dress size in four weeks so I’m chuffed. I watch the music dvd clips whilst on the cardio equipment. They inspire me and energise me to keep going. And I do boxing and kick boxing and I adore that!

I’m having so much fun most of the time lately. The guys in the car to and from work are great fun and we have a laugh. My team at work are funny too and we also have a good time. Even the work itself gives me a buzz – I’m learning new things all the time and meeting lots of people. And I’m getting kudos from my bosses which is nice. In a couple of months time I may be acting in my boss’s role when she is on leave. I’m learning the ropes and it fascinates and delights me.  For the next month I’m focussing my energies on work and the gym!

I feel a new found sense of power and control which is really nice. I’m feeling energetic and attractive and confident. I’m at the best place in my life ever, even without having all those things in my life that I used to feel I must have in order to be happy. As long as at least one major life area is going well (work in my case) I think I can be happy.

21 Guns

I love this… I think I’ll be going to see Green Day in concert when they come to Australia in December.

Thank you

My heartfelt thanks to everyone of you for your comments and support in recent days, and in fact ever since I started this blog.  I’m profoundly amazed all the time by the wonderful people out here in the blogosphere.

Life goes on. I am doing ok – after all Rajah had left my life in every practical sense already – so my day to day routine stays the same. It came as a huge shock but I’m adapting. I wonder if he had a seizure (digging is a side effect apparently) and this wouldn’t surprise me as I always had a suspicion there might be something neurologically abnormal with him. I’ll never know, but he’s gone now and I’m accepting it.

I’ve been going to the gym six days a week, doing weights and cardio. I’ve been out and about with work a lot recently too. As I said, life goes on.

Why?

It is nearly midnight. I can’t sleep, I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop calling out “why”?

Somehow that bottomless well of grief has again opened up.

I am suffering from shock. I can’t get warm, even in bed with my wheat bag, I shiver. I got up and made myself a stiff brandy and gulped that down. I’ve sobbed myself nearly senseless. How I wish right now there was someone here to give me a hug, to hold me and comfort me. I guess the brandy will have to do.

It makes me question everything. I know not to expect rhyme or reason in this world we live in. I know there are no answers to the question, “why”? It is what it is. I must just accept what comes.

I am so sick and tired of grief. I finally am getting back on track and feeling happy and excited about life. This knocks me sideways, only temporarily I hope. It opens up a can of worms. I know the grief I feel is not just for Rajah – it is the culmination of everything. Everything I’ve experienced and somehow everything every human has ever experienced. How easy it is to tap into that well.

Now I just want to sleep, to reach oblivion. Maybe dream of my little puppy, happy and carefree, playing as he did in his typical puppy fashion.

RIP Rajah

I’ve just learnt that my little puppy boy, Rajah, has died. He was six months old. He was found under a tree – they thought at first he was sleeping. He apparently had no mark on him and looked very peaceful. There was evidence of some digging nearby and all they can surmise is that he disturbed a snake. He was out in the paddock for less than an hour so it all happened pretty quickly.

He’d been having a great time with the other Koolies and had made special friends with another pup. I am so glad his last few weeks were so good for him – running around, playing with other dogs, swimming in the dam. I am eternally grateful to the woman who took him on, who is also devastated. She did so much for him and I feel for her. I still believe I did the right thing taking him there – he had a great time. Perhaps he was always destined to die young – certainly he lead a dramatic life in his six short months.

I am crying now and full of grief, but it probably won’t last too long as I’d already let him go to a great extent. I knew I’d never see him again anyway, but I did gain comfort knowing he was living a good life elsewhere. He was a great little dog and had so much potential. He will be missed by many – both people and dogs.

Being a body

I am thinking of doing that one thing that has always filled me with horror – joining a gym. I’ve been a few times over the years and hated it. But I am not the same person I was back then. I never enjoyed exercise (unless it was dancing or something where the exercise was incidental to the activity) and was never interested in being fit. I’m lucky enough to have always been relatively healthy.

But since I spent three months in India in 2007 I’ve changed my outlook. Living in a village in the Himalayas where I had to walk everywhere (and you know how steep those pointy bits are over there!) I lost weight and gained fitness by default. When I came home I was a bit bitten by the fitness thing and kept walking every day and have continued that to now (with an occasional break). Last year, if you read my blog back then, you’ll remember I did a fitness bootcamp for a month and actually enjoyed it. Well not so much enjoyed the boot camp but enjoyed the feeling of well being I got from increased exercise.

Ok, I walk briskly every morning (heart rate up) before work – but it is only half an hour and I realise that on its own is not going to improve my fitness – only maintain what I currently have. I’m not getting any younger and so I need to think about heading into the second half of my life in as good shape as I can. Plus, I do want to go trekking in the Himalayas sometime in the next year or so. And I enjoy the buzz of feeling fit. The last few days I’ve recognised that I won’t do more than my walk on my own on a regular basis (my basic disposition is lazy). I need motivation and I need guidance on the best exercises for me as an individual. Where can I get that other than at a gym?

I’ve discovered I actually enjoy running (oh my god is this really me talking! The original couch potato?) I need strength and flexibility training as well as cardio. I was doing yoga last year – I plan to go back to that again too. (Are you starting to see why I can’t get another dog just yet?) Two things I can control in my life right now are the energy and focus I put into my job and my own health and fitness. Yes the diet is also improving although it is already relatively good (just the chocolate addiction sometimes gets the better of me). I can’t control anything else around me so I want to focus on work and health and fitness and let the rest take care of itself.

So I’m going to have a consultation at a local women’s gym (sorry guys but I still feel intimidated around you sweaty blokes and see where we go from there. I have all these feel good hormones in my system at the moment and they make me want to run around like Rajah – madly and insanely and just for the sake of it. Let me channel that energy into improving my lifestyle.

This is the first time in my life I’ve enjoyed being in a physical body. I’ve identified with my mind and emotions for so long that I denigrated the physical and wished it wasn’t there to restrict me. Now I fully appreciate all it does for me and want it to continue to be able to do those things. As I said, I’ve always been pretty healthy and so taken my body for granted. I don’t want to end up infirm and physically dependent on others. I would never have imagined in my 20s that one day I’d actually want to exercise and get fit. How we change as we grow older – but for the better – in my case it is always for the better. I wouldn’t go back to being young for anything – I love the age I am now – but would quite like to stay here for a while

Happy days

The last few days have been great. I’ve enjoyed myself immensely. I’ve met many new people at work at a two day seminar that our team organised. This organisation is full of interesting, funloving people. We’ve all had a laugh as well as getting on with the business.

I’ve been getting a lift to and from work each day in a company car. We meet at a central point and go in from there. It is wonderful being driven around so much – one of my ‘things’ is being driven as I have always had to drive so much myself, and give people lifts for many years. Now it is my turn to sit back and relax. Often it is just two of us in the car.  He is a fun guy to be around, he makes me laugh and we have a great banter going between us. I really love going to work each day.

I am now also letting go of Rajah as I know he is doing ok and is in the right place. This fills me with relief and overcomes much of the sadness I felt at parting with him. I must admit I like having my life back to normal and I am back doing my full walk every morning at 6am (in the pitch dark!) and going out on weekends. After work I can just chill out and relax and read a book. I still want a dog in my life but not just yet. This big project at work will mean overnight stays away from home in the near future and to have the freedom to do as I please will be helpful. I also leave pretty early to get the work car making it a long day for a dog alone. So for now I think I’ll stay dog-free.

So the last few days I’ve just been filled with happiness and a sense of joy. The team I work with is fantastic and we all pulled together to organise and run the seminar. People came from all over the State for it. I’m very glad I took this job and I feel very grateful that this opportunity arose. I have to say there are lots of good looking men in this organisation and that makes it even more pleasurable to turn up each day (no I’m not really a perve!)

This time right now is about enjoyment and having fun without being too intense or deep about anything. I want to keep things light.

Pupdate

I’ve had an update on how Rajah is getting on in his new home. He’s now allowed to mix with the other dogs as he’s out of quarantine and has been well behaved. The other dogs are teaching him when it is inappropriate to bite and he’s also learning not to bark too much. He’s not tried to bite the humans at all which is great news. I think Rajah is learning about dog heirarchy and pack behaviour and sounds like he’s taking it all in his stride.

He has a special friend who sleeps with him at night and plays with him and she has taught him some better manners. Yesterday he went romping and playing with the pack for the first time, and swimming in the dam. It sounds as though he had a great time. Then he went happily back into his compound with a juicy bone and that kept him quiet and happy for hours.

The relief I felt on hearing this was immense. I rationally know he’s in the right place and will be ok, but I just wondered if he was adjusting or feeling at all abandoned. But now I know he has this other female Koolie to direct his puppy affection toward I feel much happier. He is a very sooky boy!

It may be an overcast grey day outside but to me it is all sunshine

Evocative writing

“‘I wonder,’ he said, ‘when it was that the world first went amiss, and men forgot to live and to love and to be happy.”

I have just finished rereading one of my favourite novels – Frenchman’s Creek by Daphne du Maurier. I love the language, the description, the sense of place that she evokes. I love the theme of freedom versus commitment; adventure vs society’s mores.  It echoes my own thoughts of how we’ve often let our civilised world dull our senses and our curiousity and our delight in the simple things in life.

And of course I love the love story

Of course it does fit into the star crossed lovers theme that has always appealed so greatly to me with the heroine,  Dona, facing the ultimate choice of responsibility and duty over love.

Most of all though, it is the atmosphere and mood evoked by Daphne du Maurier that I enjoy the most. I can see, hear, feel, smell, taste the places she describes and imagine myself there clearly. Du Maurier is, in my opinion, a superb writer. If I were to want to emulate any author’s style it would be hers.

Greyday blankness

At lunchtime I again walked along the beach. Tide was way out, seaweed washed up high and there I am, in my work clothes, climbing through piles of seaweed and stepping tentatively through pools of stranded seawater.

The sea is very calm today, the sky grey. I would have liked to stay all afternoon staring out toward that blue-grey horizon. Apart from the chilliness and a biting wind.

One of those days where you don’t want to think or act, just stare at the view and detach from the world. Descend into blankness.

I am readjusting to life without Rajah. Sadness still engulfs me sometimes. I feel envious when I see people walking their dogs along the beach and I avoid the pet aisle in the supermarket. I’m not brooding over it – just accepting of the feelings as they arise. This morning I awoke with a strong conviction that I’d done the right thing by Rajah – I think I’d had a dream or an insight in my sleep. I don’t ever rationally doubt my choice, but a part of me feels I abandoned him. I’ve always been strongly committed to my dogs and to give my puppy away doesn’t sit easily despite the extenuating circumstances.

However, life goes on.

Five hours later

Monday afternoon. The house is clean, dog toys packed away, dog poo collected and disposed of. Food and water bowls washed, and a photo of Rajah framed and put up on top of the tv next to a photo of Shadow. My two babies side by side.

The storm has passed. The tears are dried up for now. I’m feeling much calmer and somewhat at peace. I don’t believe I’ll grieve too long over this. I’m just so glad Rajah is not back at the pound awaiting either being put to sleep or another potentially unsuccessful adoption. I have great respect for the Animal Welfare League and what they do with minimal resources, but I don’t believe they are the right people to find a home for Rajah. And with his biting habit I doubt he’d have lasted long anywhere that didn’t understand the Koolie breed. I am so grateful to think he is alive and is going to have the best chance to live a long, happy and fulfilled life. I do thank the universe for Koolie rescue organisations such as the one he’s gone to.

My grief is a selfish one for myself - I’m not grieving on Rajah’s behalf as I know he is better off. He may be a bit confused for a few days wondering at this new turn life is taking, but I think he’ll be too occupied with the other dogs to spend too long worrying I never got the impression Rajah was an introspective kind of pup. He’s an action boy. No, my sadness is for another parting, another loss in my life. Another failed relationship in a sense. Perhaps I need to steer clear of males of all species

Cleaning the house and garden has been therapeutic. Framing the picture and putting it on display has helped too. He’ll always be my boy no matter where he ends up. I’m grateful I have a great job that I love to take my mind off things. Rajah helped me move on so much – I don’t think I’ll find being home alone quite so lonely now. I still find it funny and ironic that the only plant he destroyed was the rose bush that P gave me – the one that symbolised our relationship for so long. Now I realise the relationship really is well and truly dead – and its even been amputated in some sense.

I have no regrets that Rajah came briefly into my life. I have no regrets about the time I spent with P. The Buddhists wisely teach about impermanence and I feel as though that is a big lesson for me in this life.

Haunted

I feel haunted by sadness. It is the most predominant emotion in my life. I don’t seem to ever get away from it for very long.

Today I can’t stop crying. It is Monday morning and I have the day off work. Outside it is bleak, grey and drizzling. Inside my soul it is much the same. I am back from my 1500km road trip over the weekend. A very boring, depressing part of the country to drive through – all  scrub and flatness. Rajah is in his new temporary home and I have a good vibe about the woman I’ve put him with. She will do the best she can to find him a new home – and she thinks it will be easy to do. In three weeks time she will introduce him to sheep and other stock and see how he goes. Being a blue merle he will apparently be in high demand with farmers so hopefully he’ll be easily placed. If not on a farm she’ll put him somewhere where he can do sporting activities.

It took 8.5 hours to get there on Saturday. Rajah, the little angel, slept the whole way in the back seat. Not a peep out of him the whole way. On the last stretch, driving to the Koolie kennels, he rested his chin on my shoulder. At the kennels he took to the owner straight away – he is a friendly, sociable little chap. A cat came over and rubbed against him and he was really well behaved with it – he’s only ever seen cats from a distance before and was always a bit unsure about them. Two koolies in a compound next to the drive barked at him and he barked back. Then he was put in a run on his own where he can see other dogs and they can see him but he is kept isolated for a week. This is a quarantine period to make sure he is healthy but also allows him to interact safely with the other dogs before going in amongst them. As soon as he was in the run other dogs ran up and barked at him and he barked back – tails wagging furiously in all cases. He was giving as good as he got and he wasn’t at all scared or timid. The kennel owner said that is a good sign – he’s strong and confident and won’t back down from stock. She also dealt with the biting quite easily – and she said the other dogs will cure him of that. In a week he’ll be allowed out to mix with the younger dogs around his own age, and gradually he’ll be introduced to other dogs until he can interact with them all. She has 4 acres for them to run around on. The dogs were all clean and healthy and seemed happy. I am very confident Rajah will be in good hands.

I spent an hour looking around and learning more about Koolies and how Rajah will be looked after. Then I drove into the nearby town and found a motel. I booked a room with a spa bath and spent over and hour soaking away the drive. I cried as I left the kennels, the woman gave me a hug. She was so understanding. She is wonderful and I can’t praise her highly enough for what she is doing. Last I saw Rajah he was happily barking his head off at the other dogs, tail wagging. I left his mat and blanket and umpteen toys and chews to help his transition.

Sunday I got up and drove home. 7.5 hours this time as I didn’t need to stop as often without Rajah. I admit I broke the speed limit in both directions. I only have a little Daihatsu but it is the best car in the world. It sits happily on 130km/hour and just keeps on keeping on. I’ve had it for 15 years now and it has never let me down. I love it. I went straight to my parents place as I couldn’t face the empty house. I stayed there for dinner then came home around 7pm and was in bed by 8pm. The house and garden are so full of Rajah and his accessories and it made me cry. I dismantled his crate which is in my bedroom as I didn’t want it there as reminder of my puppy who wasn’t sleeping in my room ever again. Then I went to bed and didn’t get up until 8.30am. I was awake at 5.30am as usual though, and it took a while to go back to sleep. I’m so used to getting up around 6am.

So now I am slowly tidying up the house, putting things back the way they were before he entered my life. And I cry, and cry and cry. He really got under my skin in those seven weeks – I loved him but we just couldn’t live together. He is better off but I am just so very, very sad. Again.

Two and a half years ago, Shadow died leaving me very sad. Then I got involved with P and we broke up twice leaving me extremely sad each time. Now I’ve lost Rajah and I’m sad again. I am just a deep well of sorrow these days. Why does everything seem to end in tears? How do others manage to have happy lives? I don’t understand it. I am just one of those people who seem to attract drama and sadness – I guess that is my lot in life. I need to do some more work around acceptance. I need to stop chasing rainbows – looking for a happy life that always eludes me.

Will I get another dog? Right now I just don’t know. I am, quite literally, once bitten twice shy

Road Trip

I’m going on a road trip this weekend. I’ve decided to drive Rajah over to his new home – its about 700km away from where I live. We’ll set off early Saturday morning, I’ll leave him with the wonderful people who are going to find a new home for him, meet their Koolies, stay overnight in a nearby motel and drive home on Sunday.

I hated the idea of the last time I saw Rajah would be sitting in a cage at the airport. I can imagine his confusion at the whole thing – and being met by a complete stranger. I’d worry about him on the flight, about things going wrong etc. This way I get to see him settling into his new temporary home and I’ll meet the people he’s going to. I can help to make the transition and leave him knowing he is safe and happy. I want to see his reaction to all the other dogs too.

The trip for him won’t be much longer than flying – by the time he sits around in airports and the trips to and from the terminals (three hours at the other end!). It saves this wonderful woman a six hour return trip to the airport as well.

And I like driving so it will be an interesting way to spend my weekend. I don’t think I’ll be as sad leaving him there as I would be leaving him at the airport. And the trip home will give me time to do some thinking about the future as well.

Oh and I meant to mention…

The only plant that Rajah has destroyed (so far) is THE rosebush. He’d shown an interest in it before but last night I got home to find the entire thing gone – uprooted totally with a nice pile of fresh dirt where it had been. I couldn’t find the remains of the bush anywhere!

But the best thing? I felt no twinge of regret. I just calmly accepted it and even felt it was fitting that, of all my plants, that is the one he should destroy. It feels like I’m finally severing all the links with P.  That rosebush had such sentimental value and I read meaning into its various life cycles, so now it is completely gone it feels like the end of a chapter. I’m glad. I don’t think I could ever have brought myself to uproot it, but now its been done for me I know it is for the best. I don’t need a permanent reminder of P, and all we shared, in my garden.

Impermanence…

Answer to a prayer

I admit it. I prayed. I prayed to find the best possible outcome for Rajah. Now my prayers have been answered.

I got in contact with a Koolie rescue group interstate and explained the situation. All I have to do is put Rajah on a plane. They’ll pick him up and look after him until they can find a new, suitable home for him. He’ll be with other Koolies and will start learning how to work with stock. They have a no kill policy so he’ll have a chance at a new life much more suited to his personality and background. He is longing to work – I can see it in him.

They didn’t seem surprised at his behaviour – said it was typical for a Koolie in the wrong environment. Yes it is a bad habit but it is a necessary trait in a working dog (the biting) – it can literally be a life saver. He just needs to learn when to use it and when not.

It is such a relief and a weight off my mind. Not sure quite when I’ll be sending him over yet – I hope in the next week sometime. The sooner he can start his new life the better and the sooner my bruised legs can heal the better. I’ll miss him a lot – especially the affectionate, sweet little boy I see sometimes. But it is the best outcome for both of us. So glad I don’t have to take him back to the pound where he may either be put to sleep or end up in another unsuitable home.

I will wait a while before adopting another dog, if I do at all. I am rethinking my suitability as a dog owner with my fulltime work lifestyle. It worked ok with Shadow all those years but maybe she was a special case. I’ll see how things pan out. Definitely won’t be getting a puppy next time – never meant to in the first place and I’ve really learnt my lesson now.

Thanks to all of you who have written in with support and encouragement and advice. And thanks to Pearl for recommending the Koolie Rescue – I had thought of it but your comments reminded me to look them up. I am so grateful to you.

I hope I can keep up to date with Rajah’s new life in some way – I’d like to know how he gets on. But even if I don’t hear, I feel he is going to the best people. They are marvelous and I truly applaud them and their dedication to the breed. Magnificent people. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for caring so much about a dog they’ve never met.

I just…

…can’t do this anymore.

Imagine…

I’ve been visualising a different life for myself after the wellbeing seminar I attended on Friday. That was one of the ideas – nothing new of course – but I caught glimpses of what is lacking in my life. I don’t know how to attract those things so all I can do is visualise. Not that I haven’t done that many times before mind you. But what the heck – it can’t hurt can it?

Fun

Dancing

Drives in the country

Holidays away from home

Laughter

Love

Good sex

Affection

Commitment

Living together

Companionship

Doing the shopping together

Being together

Wining and dining

Bushwalks, walks along the beach

Romance, flowers, candlelight

Loving words and deeds

Being looked after when sick or tired or down

Someone to talk to about my day – every day

Emotional support

Someone to come home to who loves me and whom I love

Friendship

Hugs – long, long hugs

Snuggling up together watching a movie

Cooking dinner together

Marriage

Being told I am beautiful

Gazing into each others eyes

Talking about deep emotions

Passion, intensity, depth, connection, merging, bonding

Growing old together

And on it goes… I can imagine it – I can imagine him.

To give away or not…

Today I emailed the dog trainer to ask him if he could make any suggestions about a suitable person or people who might be interested in taking Rajah on. I don’t expect he’ll know anyone. I don’t think, right now, it is going to work out with Rajah and I. He needs someone stronger, more consistent and persistent than I am. I am so tired – working with him is a fulltime job and I have to be on my guard all the time in case he gets worked up and starts biting. I have bruises on my bruises. I am heartily sick and tired of being used as a chew toy. We are not talking gentle mouthing or little nips. These are full on dog bites.

I just don’t understand it from a dog psychological point of view. He seems to accept me as leader in most things but will not stop biting me especially when excited. And there is growling too – it is play growling I believe but it is still growling. I think it is a game to him. Someone else can nip it in the bud and not let it develop whereas I think he and I might have gone past the point of no return. He’s never as bad with my parents although he’s no angel with them either.

I’m accepting today that I don’t like Rajah. I love him but I don’t like him and right now I don’t want him in my life anymore. It is like an abusive relationship where you love someone who is always physically attacking you. It can’t be sustained. Right now I do not want this dog. But what do I do with him? I can’t give him away to some unsuspecting person. If I take him back to the pound they’ll probably let anyone take him with bad results. He needs a particular type of person with time to give him. He needs a place where he can run – he’d be great on a farm. My last dog was a working dog and adapted to life in suburbia with me (with the help of lots of walks and playing) and Rajah probably would adapt too. He’s very strong willed and very excitable. And when he’s worked up he bites me. He doesn’t bite strangers he meets – he loves people and is all wagging tail and licking and, unfortunately, jumping up.

So why, if he accepts my leadership in some areas (many areas) does he not respect me when I tell him not to bite? Why does he bite the person who feeds him and homes him but is great with strangers? Why did he bite my friend who he has met twice before but is reasonably ok with my parents when with them every day. The vet came today to vaccinate him and he got so excited (Rajah that is – not the vet) that he bit me the whole time the vet was here. They saw what he was doing to me. I got the same old advice I’ve had from everyone. I’ve tried so many different things and none work long term. They might stop the biting but he soon comes back for more. He comes around behind and bites too. He follows and bites. He jumps up and bites. He hangs off my arm by his teeth sometimes. It is painful. I’m concerned he might do nerve damage as sometimes my arm or hand feels a bit numb when he does it.

Who will take him? I will not give him away without telling the prospective owner exactly what he is like. So who would want a dog like this? Nobody in their right mind. So where does that leave us?

I was lonely before he came along. I’m not lonely now but I’m not happy either. I wanted doggy affection and company not domestic violence and abuse! I find myself longing to go back to yoga, my weekly meditation group and to start a new fitness regime. I can’t in all conscience be out all day and then out all evening leaving him alone. I thought hard about the change in lifestyle having a dog means and felt I was ready for it. But now I don’t enjoy it. How can I even bring anyone to the house? How could I have a relationship with any man who might come along? My house is a mess, he even is ripping up the carpet in the back room. I have to have my lovely shag pile rug permanently covered with old throws as he bites and chews it otherwise. Bits of toys lie everywhere - he’s ripped the stuffing out of four toys so far. Ok he’s a pup – so I accept the mess and the chewing. But the biting…

This is not how I envisaged my life at this point. Life is potentially so good with my wonderful new job but I am too tired to appreciate it. I feel apprehension about coming home as it is time for the night shift – managing a puppy. I don’t want to do this on my own – my parents were wonderful for four weeks but they’ve done their bit. I can’t drop him there every day for the rest of his life.

What do I do with this dog? Is he a danger to the community? How does one establish that? Usually when a dog bites that’s it. But does it count when it is the owner that is bitten? I still don’t think he’s doing it out of aggression or anger – I still think it is inappropriate play. But I just don’t know how to get it through to him that it is unacceptable. I’ve tried practically everything. Certainly if it has been suggested to me I’ve tried it.

A new initial

JB

Ok. You’ve heard all about P. And then there was B for a while too. Not to mention S a while ago. The new initial is JB.

He is a very attractive, sexy man, five years older than me, with a great sense of humour and we just hit it off.

So… I’m encouraged to realise there is a man with whom I have a lot in common and feel strong connections with who is not P. (I wasn’t sure how long it would be, if ever, before I met someone I could envisage taking P’s place).

Yesterday we had an event 2 hours drive out of the city. JB and I travelled together. The irony of it was that we passed through the town and past the bakery that P and I had visited on our bittersweet day out 18 months ago. Of course memories were conjured up but at the same time, here I was being driven by a different man that I find extremely attractive! So it helped chase away a bit more of the P demon

That is the great value of JB. He is helping me let go even more of P and recognise there is a future with a different man (albeit not JB himself).

The event had a health,wellness and fitness theme. At one point the facilitator had us dancing. JB grabbed me and we ‘rock and rolled’ around the room. We also paired up to do some of the fitness tests – pushups and situps. We had fun. We have the same sense of humour. And boy was it nice to be held in a man’s arms and danced around the room. Something P would never have done in a million years – he does not dance or sing. Ever. I realised how much I am missing out on just having fun. Plain old fashioned fun. Dancing, singing, laughing, joking… I need that in my life. I want that in my life. Not sure how to manifest it just yet but I’m working on it.

Meanwhile, the other man in my life, Rajah, is running around like a lunatic now he’s allowed to. Still being troublesome but I can see some improvement at times. Then my best friend came round – first time in 5 weeks – and he bit her didn’t he? Not happy. Not at all happy. She is a dog person too and knows how to treat them and certainly isn’t scared of them – but she was ignoring him (as she was supposed to) and he didn’t like it and bit her to get her attention (just as he does with me). So now I don’t know… No more visitors until he’s under control. She understood – others wouldn’t. Not that I’d blame them.

I visualise a life with a loving, committed partner and a well behaved dog. One day… just not this day…