Gym

It is less than three weeks since Rajah died. I can’t quite believe it – it seems so much longer. I’m doing ok, thoughts of him do sometimes leap out and ambush me, but not too often. The other night I had a letter from the council and before I even opened it I knew it would be Rajah’s dog registration renewal notice.  So that triggered things a bit. He’s never far from my mind but I am not dwelling on things.

Work has been a great distraction. I love this job more every day. Last night the social club at work put on drinks from 4pm. Somehow or other I ended up drinking three glasses of wine very quickly on an empty stomach. I was having a great time though, I must say. Then those of us who come to work together in a fleet car had to leave. We got to the location where we park our cars each morning and JB refused to let me drive myself home. He insisted on driving me home and told me I’d have to work out a way to get my car in the morning. I was embarrassed I must say – even more so because I knew he was in a rush to get home as he hadvisitors coming over.

After he dropped me off I was bouncing off the walls with energy (this gym business is really paying off!) so I decided to walk / run back to where my car was parked as that would sober me up. It is 9.5 km from my house and it took me 90 minutes and I got such a buzz out of it. It is along a main road so it was well lit and busy with cars so I was not in any danger of molestation. It was drizzling but I wore my waterproof and was fine.

JB texted me this morning. I told him I’d already got the car; he was impressed and said if I kept up this intensity of physical activity he’d have to start calling me Xena! (As an aside I absolutely adore Xena and would love to have a physique like hers!)

I have been going to the gym 6 days a week and I love it. I can’t believe I love it as I’ve never been into gyms before – but I do love it. I do cardio daily and weights every second day. I guess I spend 60-90 mins there each day including cool down stretching. I’m noticing the extra energy I have and the changes (for the better) to my body shape. I’ve dropped a dress size in four weeks so I’m chuffed. I watch the music dvd clips whilst on the cardio equipment. They inspire me and energise me to keep going. And I do boxing and kick boxing and I adore that!

I’m having so much fun most of the time lately. The guys in the car to and from work are great fun and we have a laugh. My team at work are funny too and we also have a good time. Even the work itself gives me a buzz – I’m learning new things all the time and meeting lots of people. And I’m getting kudos from my bosses which is nice. In a couple of months time I may be acting in my boss’s role when she is on leave. I’m learning the ropes and it fascinates and delights me.  For the next month I’m focussing my energies on work and the gym!

I feel a new found sense of power and control which is really nice. I’m feeling energetic and attractive and confident. I’m at the best place in my life ever, even without having all those things in my life that I used to feel I must have in order to be happy. As long as at least one major life area is going well (work in my case) I think I can be happy.

21 Guns

I love this… I think I’ll be going to see Green Day in concert when they come to Australia in December.

Thank you

My heartfelt thanks to everyone of you for your comments and support in recent days, and in fact ever since I started this blog.  I’m profoundly amazed all the time by the wonderful people out here in the blogosphere.

Life goes on. I am doing ok – after all Rajah had left my life in every practical sense already – so my day to day routine stays the same. It came as a huge shock but I’m adapting. I wonder if he had a seizure (digging is a side effect apparently) and this wouldn’t surprise me as I always had a suspicion there might be something neurologically abnormal with him. I’ll never know, but he’s gone now and I’m accepting it.

I’ve been going to the gym six days a week, doing weights and cardio. I’ve been out and about with JB a lot recently too. As I said, life goes on.

Why?

It is nearly midnight. I can’t sleep, I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop calling out “why”?

Somehow that bottomless well of grief has again opened up.

I am suffering from shock. I can’t get warm, even in bed with my wheat bag, I shiver. I got up and made myself a stiff brandy and gulped that down. I’ve sobbed myself nearly senseless. How I wish right now there was someone here to give me a hug, to hold me and comfort me. I guess the brandy will have to do.

It makes me question everything. I know not to expect rhyme or reason in this world we live in. I know there are no answers to the question, “why”? It is what it is. I must just accept what comes.

I am so sick and tired of grief. I finally am getting back on track and feeling happy and excited about life. This knocks me sideways, only temporarily I hope. It opens up a can of worms. I know the grief I feel is not just for Rajah – it is the culmination of everything. Everything I’ve experienced and somehow everything every human has ever experienced. How easy it is to tap into that well.

Now I just want to sleep, to reach oblivion. Maybe dream of my little puppy, happy and carefree, playing as he did in his typical puppy fashion.

RIP Rajah

I’ve just learnt that my little puppy boy, Rajah, has died. He was six months old. He was found under a tree – they thought at first he was sleeping. He apparently had no mark on him and looked very peaceful. There was evidence of some digging nearby and all they can surmise is that he disturbed a snake. He was out in the paddock for less than an hour so it all happened pretty quickly.

He’d been having a great time with the other Koolies and had made special friends with another pup. I am so glad his last few weeks were so good for him – running around, playing with other dogs, swimming in the dam. I am eternally grateful to the woman who took him on, who is also devastated. She did so much for him and I feel for her. I still believe I did the right thing taking him there – he had a great time. Perhaps he was always destined to die young – certainly he lead a dramatic life in his six short months.

I am crying now and full of grief, but it probably won’t last too long as I’d already let him go to a great extent. I knew I’d never see him again anyway, but I did gain comfort knowing he was living a good life elsewhere. He was a great little dog and had so much potential. He will be missed by many – both people and dogs.

Sexual tension

I’ve been wondering about chemistry lately. The chemistry between two people. What is it all about really? What causes it? With my interests I do believe there to be an astrological component to it as well as a karmic component. But a complete understanding still eludes and fascinates me. And to be honest I don’t actually need to understand it because perhaps that would take some of the fun out of it. How mundane if we could predict in advance who we would find attractive and who not.

Then there are the different ways chemistry can be played out depending on the circumstances the two involved find themselves in. And can chemistry be one-sided only? One feels it and the other doesn’t? Unrequited passion? How does that work? Why is that the case? Is one just unaware of it, repressing it, out of touch with their emotions and desires? Or is the other just full of fantasy and unreality? How much does the individual’s psychology come into play? Do our wounds, our needs, predispose us to attract and react to certain people? The men I am attracted to are very different in personality, physique, temperament etc, but they all have one thing in common – unavailability.

The excitement of feeling chemistry for someone and not being entirely sure if it is mutual, or will ever be acted on, is quite stimulating. Never having had much confidence in my own attractiveness it still comes as something of a pleasant shock when I realise a man is attracted to me. I wondered for a long time with P if we were just friends or if he felt the chemistry that I felt.  The sexual tension between us was palpable – I couldn’t believe it wasn’t there on his side too – but until he made the move I didn’t know for sure. A year ago I felt that same chemistry for B, a new guy at work. And again, I felt it to be mutual given his attitude toward me, however in that case it was never consummated in any sense so I am still left wondering if it was all in my head.

And now, it is JB. Once again I feel there is something there on both sides but still lack the confidence and experience to know for sure. And I now believe nothing will ever come of it even if it is genuine on both sides and not just me. Our banter happens when we are with other people. When we are alone (which is, at the moment, at least an hour a day) we talk a lot but there seems a reserve, a line we don’t cross. I know I, personally, can flirt with the best of them, but only when I’m not actually interested in the object of flirtation. JB and I do not flirt when alone and now I analyse it, we don’t actually flirt with each other directly at all. The banter and inuendo is directed to the group and not to individuals or each other. We have the same ribald and naughty sense of humour and fun. We laugh at the same things (which is something P and I never did). Our minds both seem to jump to the same conclusions.

I find the whole business a real turn on to be honest. At least for now. The, “does he, doesn’t he”, “will we, won’t we” scenario is stimulating as it was with B last year. I do know that I have no interest in a relationship or commitment with JB (and he’s not available for that anyway) but that just makes it all even more liberating and exciting. And I wonder if this stage of the game is actually better than the consummation of it should it occur. Would that be an anticlimax (excuse the pun)? The mystery would be gone and reality would shine through. In the case of wanting a full blown relationship with someone this naturally should occur so you can move on to something richer and deeper. But in the case of, well to put it bluntly, plain lust, is it better to just fantasise than to actuate?

Add in complications of working  together and more and more I believe my head to be the best place for all this to stay. The spice of uncertainty is certainly enjoyable and it would be flattering to my ego to know for sure he did fancy me; but where would we go from there? I am wondering how this will all pan out. With B last year, I realised fairly soon that we had very little in common at a deep level and lost interest (because he was single and I was looking at him as a potential partner) and he was only there on a short term contract anyway. So he left with nothing happening other than a few flirty conversations. With JB it is a bit different. I’m working with him potentially another year or two. I don’t see JB as a potential partner at all but do feel a connection with him. I like him (I realised I didn’t actually particularly like B once I got to know him).

Consummating things with P was wonderful because there was genuine love there. But if there isn’t, is it better not to go there at all? Work relationships are tricky things and affairs between coworkers are fraught with issues. My rational side knows it is best not to go there.

I know I’ve rambled on. I guess the crux of my interest in the matter comes back to my opening paragraph. Chemistry, sexual tension – what is it all about?

Being a body

I am thinking of doing that one thing that has always filled me with horror – joining a gym. I’ve been a few times over the years and hated it. But I am not the same person I was back then. I never enjoyed exercise (unless it was dancing or something where the exercise was incidental to the activity) and was never interested in being fit. I’m lucky enough to have always been relatively healthy.

But since I spent three months in India in 2007 I’ve changed my outlook. Living in a village in the Himalayas where I had to walk everywhere (and you know how steep those pointy bits are over there!) I lost weight and gained fitness by default. When I came home I was a bit bitten by the fitness thing and kept walking every day and have continued that to now (with an occasional break). Last year, if you read my blog back then, you’ll remember I did a fitness bootcamp for a month and actually enjoyed it. Well not so much enjoyed the boot camp but enjoyed the feeling of well being I got from increased exercise.

Ok, I walk briskly every morning (heart rate up) before work – but it is only half an hour and I realise that on its own is not going to improve my fitness – only maintain what I currently have. I’m not getting any younger and so I need to think about heading into the second half of my life in as good shape as I can. Plus, I do want to go trekking in the Himalayas sometime in the next year or so. And I enjoy the buzz of feeling fit. The last few days I’ve recognised that I won’t do more than my walk on my own on a regular basis (my basic disposition is lazy). I need motivation and I need guidance on the best exercises for me as an individual. Where can I get that other than at a gym?

I’ve discovered I actually enjoy running (oh my god is this really me talking! The original couch potato?) I need strength and flexibility training as well as cardio. I was doing yoga last year – I plan to go back to that again too. (Are you starting to see why I can’t get another dog just yet?) Two things I can control in my life right now are the energy and focus I put into my job and my own health and fitness. Yes the diet is also improving although it is already relatively good (just the chocolate addiction sometimes gets the better of me). I can’t control anything else around me so I want to focus on work and health and fitness and let the rest take care of itself.

So I’m going to have a consultation at a local women’s gym (sorry guys but I still feel intimidated around you sweaty blokes and see where we go from there. I have all these feel good hormones in my system at the moment and they make me want to run around like Rajah – madly and insanely and just for the sake of it. Let me channel that energy into improving my lifestyle.

This is the first time in my life I’ve enjoyed being in a physical body. I’ve identified with my mind and emotions for so long that I denigrated the physical and wished it wasn’t there to restrict me. Now I fully appreciate all it does for me and want it to continue to be able to do those things. As I said, I’ve always been pretty healthy and so taken my body for granted. I don’t want to end up infirm and physically dependent on others. I would never have imagined in my 20s that one day I’d actually want to exercise and get fit. How we change as we grow older – but for the better – in my case it is always for the better. I wouldn’t go back to being young for anything – I love the age I am now – but would quite like to stay here for a while

Happy days

The last few days have been great. I’ve enjoyed myself immensely. I’ve met many new people at work at a two day seminar that our team organised. This organisation is full of interesting, funloving people. We’ve all had a laugh as well as getting on with the business.

I’ve been getting a lift to and from work each day in a company car. We meet at a central point and go in from there. It is wonderful being driven around so much – one of my ‘things’ is being driven as I have always had to drive so much myself, and give people lifts for many years. Now it is my turn to sit back and relax. Often it is just JB and I in the car.  He is a fun guy to be around, he makes me laugh and we have a great banter going between us. I really love going to work each day.

I am now also letting go of Rajah as I know he is doing ok and is in the right place. This fills me with relief and overcomes much of the sadness I felt at parting with him. I must admit I like having my life back to normal and I am back doing my full walk every morning at 6am (in the pitch dark!) and going out on weekends. After work I can just chill out and relax and read a book. I still want a dog in my life but not just yet. This big project at work will mean overnight stays away from home in the near future and to have the freedom to do as I please will be helpful. I also leave pretty early to get the work car making it a long day for a dog alone. So for now I think I’ll stay dog-free.

So the last few days I’ve just been filled with happiness and a sense of joy. The team I work with is fantastic and we all pulled together to organise and run the seminar. People came from all over the State for it. I’m very glad I took this job and I feel very grateful that this opportunity arose. I have to say there are lots of good looking men in this organisation and that makes it even more pleasurable to turn up each day (no I’m not really a perve!)

This time right now is about enjoyment and having fun without being too intense or deep about anything. I want to keep things light. I’d be open to having an affair but nothing too serious for the moment. I don’t want to fall in love again right now, but I wouldn’t mind some horizontal fun with no strings attached!

Pupdate

I’ve had an update on how Rajah is getting on in his new home. He’s now allowed to mix with the other dogs as he’s out of quarantine and has been well behaved. The other dogs are teaching him when it is inappropriate to bite and he’s also learning not to bark too much. He’s not tried to bite the humans at all which is great news. I think Rajah is learning about dog heirarchy and pack behaviour and sounds like he’s taking it all in his stride.

He has a special friend who sleeps with him at night and plays with him and she has taught him some better manners. Yesterday he went romping and playing with the pack for the first time, and swimming in the dam. It sounds as though he had a great time. Then he went happily back into his compound with a juicy bone and that kept him quiet and happy for hours.

The relief I felt on hearing this was immense. I rationally know he’s in the right place and will be ok, but I just wondered if he was adjusting or feeling at all abandoned. But now I know he has this other female Koolie to direct his puppy affection toward I feel much happier. He is a very sooky boy!

It may be an overcast grey day outside but to me it is all sunshine

Evocative writing

“‘I wonder,’ he said, ‘when it was that the world first went amiss, and men forgot to live and to love and to be happy.”

I have just finished rereading one of my favourite novels – Frenchman’s Creek by Daphne du Maurier. I love the language, the description, the sense of place that she evokes. I love the theme of freedom versus commitment; adventure vs society’s mores.  It echoes my own thoughts of how we’ve often let our civilised world dull our senses and our curiousity and our delight in the simple things in life.

And of course I love the love story

Of course it does fit into the star crossed lovers theme that has always appealed so greatly to me with the heroine,  Dona, facing the ultimate choice of responsibility and duty over love.

Most of all though, it is the atmosphere and mood evoked by Daphne du Maurier that I enjoy the most. I can see, hear, feel, smell, taste the places she describes and imagine myself there clearly. Du Maurier is, in my opinion, a superb writer. If I were to want to emulate any author’s style it would be hers.

Greyday blankness

At lunchtime I again walked along the beach. Tide was way out, seaweed washed up high and there I am, in my work clothes, climbing through piles of seaweed and stepping tentatively through pools of stranded seawater.

The sea is very calm today, the sky grey. I would have liked to stay all afternoon staring out toward that blue-grey horizon. Apart from the chilliness and a biting wind.

One of those days where you don’t want to think or act, just stare at the view and detach from the world. Descend into blankness.

I am readjusting to life without Rajah. Sadness still engulfs me sometimes. I feel envious when I see people walking their dogs along the beach and I avoid the pet aisle in the supermarket. I’m not brooding over it – just accepting of the feelings as they arise. This morning I awoke with a strong conviction that I’d done the right thing by Rajah – I think I’d had a dream or an insight in my sleep. I don’t ever rationally doubt my choice, but a part of me feels I abandoned him. I’ve always been strongly committed to my dogs and to give my puppy away doesn’t sit easily despite the extenuating circumstances.

However, life goes on.

Five hours later

Monday afternoon. The house is clean, dog toys packed away, dog poo collected and disposed of. Food and water bowls washed, and a photo of Rajah framed and put up on top of the tv next to a photo of Shadow. My two babies side by side.

The storm has passed. The tears are dried up for now. I’m feeling much calmer and somewhat at peace. I don’t believe I’ll grieve too long over this. I’m just so glad Rajah is not back at the pound awaiting either being put to sleep or another potentially unsuccessful adoption. I have great respect for the Animal Welfare League and what they do with minimal resources, but I don’t believe they are the right people to find a home for Rajah. And with his biting habit I doubt he’d have lasted long anywhere that didn’t understand the Koolie breed. I am so grateful to think he is alive and is going to have the best chance to live a long, happy and fulfilled life. I do thank the universe for Koolie rescue organisations such as the one he’s gone to.

My grief is a selfish one for myself - I’m not grieving on Rajah’s behalf as I know he is better off. He may be a bit confused for a few days wondering at this new turn life is taking, but I think he’ll be too occupied with the other dogs to spend too long worrying I never got the impression Rajah was an introspective kind of pup. He’s an action boy. No, my sadness is for another parting, another loss in my life. Another failed relationship in a sense. Perhaps I need to steer clear of males of all species

Cleaning the house and garden has been therapeutic. Framing the picture and putting it on display has helped too. He’ll always be my boy no matter where he ends up. I’m grateful I have a great job that I love to take my mind off things. Rajah helped me move on so much – I don’t think I’ll find being home alone quite so lonely now. I still find it funny and ironic that the only plant he destroyed was the rose bush that P gave me – the one that symbolised our relationship for so long. Now I realise the relationship really is well and truly dead – and its even been amputated in some sense.

I have no regrets that Rajah came briefly into my life. I have no regrets about the time I spent with P. The Buddhists wisely teach about impermanence and I feel as though that is a big lesson for me in this life.

Haunted

I feel haunted by sadness. It is the most predominant emotion in my life. I don’t seem to ever get away from it for very long.

Today I can’t stop crying. It is Monday morning and I have the day off work. Outside it is bleak, grey and drizzling. Inside my soul it is much the same. I am back from my 1500km road trip over the weekend. A very boring, depressing part of the country to drive through – all  scrub and flatness. Rajah is in his new temporary home and I have a good vibe about the woman I’ve put him with. She will do the best she can to find him a new home – and she thinks it will be easy to do. In three weeks time she will introduce him to sheep and other stock and see how he goes. Being a blue merle he will apparently be in high demand with farmers so hopefully he’ll be easily placed. If not on a farm she’ll put him somewhere where he can do sporting activities.

It took 8.5 hours to get there on Saturday. Rajah, the little angel, slept the whole way in the back seat. Not a peep out of him the whole way. On the last stretch, driving to the Koolie kennels, he rested his chin on my shoulder. At the kennels he took to the owner straight away – he is a friendly, sociable little chap. A cat came over and rubbed against him and he was really well behaved with it – he’s only ever seen cats from a distance before and was always a bit unsure about them. Two koolies in a compound next to the drive barked at him and he barked back. Then he was put in a run on his own where he can see other dogs and they can see him but he is kept isolated for a week. This is a quarantine period to make sure he is healthy but also allows him to interact safely with the other dogs before going in amongst them. As soon as he was in the run other dogs ran up and barked at him and he barked back – tails wagging furiously in all cases. He was giving as good as he got and he wasn’t at all scared or timid. The kennel owner said that is a good sign – he’s strong and confident and won’t back down from stock. She also dealt with the biting quite easily – and she said the other dogs will cure him of that. In a week he’ll be allowed out to mix with the younger dogs around his own age, and gradually he’ll be introduced to other dogs until he can interact with them all. She has 4 acres for them to run around on. The dogs were all clean and healthy and seemed happy. I am very confident Rajah will be in good hands.

I spent an hour looking around and learning more about Koolies and how Rajah will be looked after. Then I drove into the nearby town and found a motel. I booked a room with a spa bath and spent over and hour soaking away the drive. I cried as I left the kennels, the woman gave me a hug. She was so understanding. She is wonderful and I can’t praise her highly enough for what she is doing. Last I saw Rajah he was happily barking his head off at the other dogs, tail wagging. I left his mat and blanket and umpteen toys and chews to help his transition.

Sunday I got up and drove home. 7.5 hours this time as I didn’t need to stop as often without Rajah. I admit I broke the speed limit in both directions. I only have a little Daihatsu but it is the best car in the world. It sits happily on 130km/hour and just keeps on keeping on. I’ve had it for 15 years now and it has never let me down. I love it. I went straight to my parents place as I couldn’t face the empty house. I stayed there for dinner then came home around 7pm and was in bed by 8pm. The house and garden are so full of Rajah and his accessories and it made me cry. I dismantled his crate which is in my bedroom as I didn’t want it there as reminder of my puppy who wasn’t sleeping in my room ever again. Then I went to bed and didn’t get up until 8.30am. I was awake at 5.30am as usual though, and it took a while to go back to sleep. I’m so used to getting up around 6am.

So now I am slowly tidying up the house, putting things back the way they were before he entered my life. And I cry, and cry and cry. He really got under my skin in those seven weeks – I loved him but we just couldn’t live together. He is better off but I am just so very, very sad. Again.

Two and a half years ago, Shadow died leaving me very sad. Then I got involved with P and we broke up twice leaving me extremely sad each time. Now I’ve lost Rajah and I’m sad again. I am just a deep well of sorrow these days. Why does everything seem to end in tears? How do others manage to have happy lives? I don’t understand it. I am just one of those people who seem to attract drama and sadness – I guess that is my lot in life. I need to do some more work around acceptance. I need to stop chasing rainbows – looking for a happy life that always eludes me.

Will I get another dog? Right now I just don’t know. I am, quite literally, once bitten twice shy

Road Trip

I’m going on a road trip this weekend. I’ve decided to drive Rajah over to his new home – its about 700km away from where I live. We’ll set off early Saturday morning, I’ll leave him with the wonderful people who are going to find a new home for him, meet their Koolies, stay overnight in a nearby motel and drive home on Sunday.

I hated the idea of the last time I saw Rajah would be sitting in a cage at the airport. I can imagine his confusion at the whole thing – and being met by a complete stranger. I’d worry about him on the flight, about things going wrong etc. This way I get to see him settling into his new temporary home and I’ll meet the people he’s going to. I can help to make the transition and leave him knowing he is safe and happy. I want to see his reaction to all the other dogs too.

The trip for him won’t be much longer than flying – by the time he sits around in airports and the trips to and from the terminals (three hours at the other end!). It saves this wonderful woman a six hour return trip to the airport as well.

And I like driving so it will be an interesting way to spend my weekend. I don’t think I’ll be as sad leaving him there as I would be leaving him at the airport. And the trip home will give me time to do some thinking about the future as well.

Oh and I meant to mention…

The only plant that Rajah has destroyed (so far) is THE rosebush. He’d shown an interest in it before but last night I got home to find the entire thing gone – uprooted totally with a nice pile of fresh dirt where it had been. I couldn’t find the remains of the bush anywhere!

But the best thing? I felt no twinge of regret. I just calmly accepted it and even felt it was fitting that, of all my plants, that is the one he should destroy. It feels like I’m finally severing all the links with P.  That rosebush had such sentimental value and I read meaning into its various life cycles, so now it is completely gone it feels like the end of a chapter. I’m glad. I don’t think I could ever have brought myself to uproot it, but now its been done for me I know it is for the best. I don’t need a permanent reminder of P, and all we shared, in my garden.

Impermanence…

Answer to a prayer

I admit it. I prayed. I prayed to find the best possible outcome for Rajah. Now my prayers have been answered.

I got in contact with a Koolie rescue group interstate and explained the situation. All I have to do is put Rajah on a plane. They’ll pick him up and look after him until they can find a new, suitable home for him. He’ll be with other Koolies and will start learning how to work with stock. They have a no kill policy so he’ll have a chance at a new life much more suited to his personality and background. He is longing to work – I can see it in him.

They didn’t seem surprised at his behaviour – said it was typical for a Koolie in the wrong environment. Yes it is a bad habit but it is a necessary trait in a working dog (the biting) – it can literally be a life saver. He just needs to learn when to use it and when not.

It is such a relief and a weight off my mind. Not sure quite when I’ll be sending him over yet – I hope in the next week sometime. The sooner he can start his new life the better and the sooner my bruised legs can heal the better. I’ll miss him a lot – especially the affectionate, sweet little boy I see sometimes. But it is the best outcome for both of us. So glad I don’t have to take him back to the pound where he may either be put to sleep or end up in another unsuitable home.

I will wait a while before adopting another dog, if I do at all. I am rethinking my suitability as a dog owner with my fulltime work lifestyle. It worked ok with Shadow all those years but maybe she was a special case. I’ll see how things pan out. Definitely won’t be getting a puppy next time – never meant to in the first place and I’ve really learnt my lesson now.

Thanks to all of you who have written in with support and encouragement and advice. And thanks to Pearl for recommending the Koolie Rescue – I had thought of it but your comments reminded me to look them up. I am so grateful to you.

I hope I can keep up to date with Rajah’s new life in some way – I’d like to know how he gets on. But even if I don’t hear, I feel he is going to the best people. They are marvelous and I truly applaud them and their dedication to the breed. Magnificent people. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for caring so much about a dog they’ve never met.

I just…

…can’t do this anymore.

Imagine…

I’ve been visualising a different life for myself after the wellbeing seminar I attended on Friday. That was one of the ideas – nothing new of course – but I caught glimpses of what is lacking in my life. I don’t know how to attract those things so all I can do is visualise. Not that I haven’t done that many times before mind you. But what the heck – it can’t hurt can it?

Fun

Dancing

Drives in the country

Holidays away from home

Laughter

Love

Good sex

Affection

Commitment

Living together

Companionship

Doing the shopping together

Being together

Wining and dining

Bushwalks, walks along the beach

Romance, flowers, candlelight

Loving words and deeds

Being looked after when sick or tired or down

Someone to talk to about my day – every day

Emotional support

Someone to come home to who loves me and whom I love

Friendship

Hugs – long, long hugs

Snuggling up together watching a movie

Cooking dinner together

Marriage

Being told I am beautiful

Gazing into each others eyes

Talking about deep emotions

Passion, intensity, depth, connection, merging, bonding

Growing old together

And on it goes… I can imagine it – I can imagine him.

To give away or not…

Today I emailed the dog trainer to ask him if he could make any suggestions about a suitable person or people who might be interested in taking Rajah on. I don’t expect he’ll know anyone. I don’t think, right now, it is going to work out with Rajah and I. He needs someone stronger, more consistent and persistent than I am. I am so tired – working with him is a fulltime job and I have to be on my guard all the time in case he gets worked up and starts biting. I have bruises on my bruises. I am heartily sick and tired of being used as a chew toy. We are not talking gentle mouthing or little nips. These are full on dog bites.

I just don’t understand it from a dog psychological point of view. He seems to accept me as leader in most things but will not stop biting me especially when excited. And there is growling too – it is play growling I believe but it is still growling. I think it is a game to him. Someone else can nip it in the bud and not let it develop whereas I think he and I might have gone past the point of no return. He’s never as bad with my parents although he’s no angel with them either.

I’m accepting today that I don’t like Rajah. I love him but I don’t like him and right now I don’t want him in my life anymore. It is like an abusive relationship where you love someone who is always physically attacking you. It can’t be sustained. Right now I do not want this dog. But what do I do with him? I can’t give him away to some unsuspecting person. If I take him back to the pound they’ll probably let anyone take him with bad results. He needs a particular type of person with time to give him. He needs a place where he can run – he’d be great on a farm. My last dog was a working dog and adapted to life in suburbia with me (with the help of lots of walks and playing) and Rajah probably would adapt too. He’s very strong willed and very excitable. And when he’s worked up he bites me. He doesn’t bite strangers he meets – he loves people and is all wagging tail and licking and, unfortunately, jumping up.

So why, if he accepts my leadership in some areas (many areas) does he not respect me when I tell him not to bite? Why does he bite the person who feeds him and homes him but is great with strangers? Why did he bite my friend who he has met twice before but is reasonably ok with my parents when with them every day. The vet came today to vaccinate him and he got so excited (Rajah that is – not the vet) that he bit me the whole time the vet was here. They saw what he was doing to me. I got the same old advice I’ve had from everyone. I’ve tried so many different things and none work long term. They might stop the biting but he soon comes back for more. He comes around behind and bites too. He follows and bites. He jumps up and bites. He hangs off my arm by his teeth sometimes. It is painful. I’m concerned he might do nerve damage as sometimes my arm or hand feels a bit numb when he does it.

Who will take him? I will not give him away without telling the prospective owner exactly what he is like. So who would want a dog like this? Nobody in their right mind. So where does that leave us?

I was lonely before he came along. I’m not lonely now but I’m not happy either. I wanted doggy affection and company not domestic violence and abuse! I find myself longing to go back to yoga, my weekly meditation group and to start a new fitness regime. I can’t in all conscience be out all day and then out all evening leaving him alone. I thought hard about the change in lifestyle having a dog means and felt I was ready for it. But now I don’t enjoy it. How can I even bring anyone to the house? How could I have a relationship with any man who might come along? My house is a mess, he even is ripping up the carpet in the back room. I have to have my lovely shag pile rug permanently covered with old throws as he bites and chews it otherwise. Bits of toys lie everywhere - he’s ripped the stuffing out of four toys so far. Ok he’s a pup – so I accept the mess and the chewing. But the biting…

This is not how I envisaged my life at this point. Life is potentially so good with my wonderful new job but I am too tired to appreciate it. I feel apprehension about coming home as it is time for the night shift – managing a puppy. I don’t want to do this on my own – my parents were wonderful for four weeks but they’ve done their bit. I can’t drop him there every day for the rest of his life.

What do I do with this dog? Is he a danger to the community? How does one establish that? Usually when a dog bites that’s it. But does it count when it is the owner that is bitten? I still don’t think he’s doing it out of aggression or anger – I still think it is inappropriate play. But I just don’t know how to get it through to him that it is unacceptable. I’ve tried practically everything. Certainly if it has been suggested to me I’ve tried it.

A new initial

JB

Ok. You’ve heard all about P. And then there was B for a while too. Not to mention S a while ago. The new initial is JB.

I work with JB. He is a very attractive, sexy man, five years older than me, with a great sense of humour and we just hit it off. Alas, he is married.

So… I’m encouraged to realise there is a man with whom I have a lot in common and feel strong connections with who is not P. (I wasn’t sure how long it would be, if ever, before I met someone I could envisage taking P’s place). On the other hand, I am NOT contemplating any sort of involvement with JB because he is unavailable.

Yesterday we had a work seminar about 2 hours drive out of the city. JB and I travelled together in a work car. The irony of it was that we passed through the town and past the bakery that P and I had visited on our bittersweet day out 18 months ago. Of course memories were conjured up but at the same time, here I was being driven by a different man that I find extremely attractive! So it helped chase away a bit more of the P demon

That is the great value of JB. He is helping me let go even more of P and recognise there is a future with a different man (albeit not JB himself).

The seminar had a health,wellness and fitness theme. At one point the facilitator had us dancing. JB grabbed me and we ‘rock and rolled’ around the room. We also paired up to do some of the fitness tests – pushups and situps. We had fun. We have the same sense of humour. And boy was it nice to be held in a man’s arms and danced around the room. Something P would never have done in a million years – he does not dance or sing. Ever. I realised how much I am missing out on just having fun. Plain old fashioned fun. Dancing, singing, laughing, joking… I need that in my life. I want that in my life. Not sure how to manifest it just yet but I’m working on it.

Meanwhile, the other man in my life, Rajah, is running around like a lunatic now he’s allowed to. Still being troublesome but I can see some improvement at times. Then my best friend came round – first time in 5 weeks – and he bit her didn’t he? Not happy. Not at all happy. She is a dog person too and knows how to treat them and certainly isn’t scared of them – but she was ignoring him (as she was supposed to) and he didn’t like it and bit her to get her attention (just as he does with me). So now I don’t know… No more visitors until he’s under control. She understood – others wouldn’t. Not that I’d blame them.

I visualise a life with a loving, committed partner and a well behaved dog. One day… just not this day…

Puppy battles

Stop the world I want to get off.

Would you laugh at me if I said I am having a titanic battle with a five month old puppy? Would you laugh if you saw all the bruises on my legs where he has bitten me through two pairs of jeans? I don’t know if it is meant to get harder before it gets easier but he is fighting me every inch of the way right now. I am getting very sore and sorry for myself. Not only the bites, but my back aches from all the alpha rolls I have to give him and picking him up from his injury. It doesn’t seem to stop him. I got so frustrated with him a little while ago – I yelled and screamed. Just got him more worked up though so I know that isn’t the answer.  I have to be careful too because of his leg – some of our battles are quite physical and I do not want to reinjure the leg. Or any other part of him for that matter.

Other times he’s great and will sit or sleep quietly at my feet. Last night I watched a dvd for the first time since I got him. He slept or amused himself through the whole thing. I thought it was great progress. I sat and read a book for a while today whilst he did the same thing. Then the battle is on again. I am beyond tired even with 8 hours sleep a night. How I long to spend the whole day in bed with someone looking after me Yeah in my fantasies.

My head aches, my back hurts, my throat is rough, my neck sore. I also have a cold/flu thing going on too. Nothing too bad but it can’t make up its mind whether to develop or not. Mark, the dog trainer, makes it look so easy. Sometimes it is and Rajah is a lamb. Then he turns into the monster from hell. I’m sure it is all showing me how silly it is to resist and struggle and how you end up not getting what you want anyway. Rajah gets what he wants when he submits and stops challenging and struggling. Perhaps that is the lesson for me. He’s also bringing out any repressed anger I might have stored up inside. I haven’t been this angry in a long time. Perhaps I should also have expressed some of this anger to other males in my life? Is that the next lesson – not bottling up anger and frustration but letting it out in a constructive way? I am trying to be constructive with Rajah but sometimes… I admit I wanted to thrash the living daylights out of him earlier on but it would do no good – it just revs him up – he sees it as play. And I don’t want to turn him into an aggressive dog through malhandling.

At one stage I even burst into tears, I just couldn’t handle it. Funny thing, Rajah then came over, jumped up and licked my tears and then ran off. Back he came then to bite me again. I suddenly missed Shadow so much. I was so longing for another dog and I do love this little guy but he is driving me insane. I can’t just relax and enjoy doggy companionship – I’m always on my guard, always trying to train him or ignore him or make him submit. We do have some cuddles and affection but not as much today – I think he senses his days of controlling my reactions are nearly over and he’s fighting to maintain the status quo. So now I have to be really strong, determined, firm, consistent and persistent. If only the end was in sight. How long will this go on for? Days? Weeks? Months? I can handle days but not too much more than that.

But right now I want to give him away. Right now it is all too hard. I want a rest, some time out. The only break I get is when I go to work which is hardly relaxing. Anybody out there who has a very firm hand with dogs want a 5 month old male Koolie? How, in all conscience, could I give him away when he behaves like this? And he’s still not fully healed from his knee fracture. I wonder if I’ll have to admit defeat at some stage and say he’s not the dog for me. How sad I’ll be if that happens. But enough is enough. Neither of us can live like this. Only five more days of confinement and then I’ll be able to let him run around the back yard on his own without me on a lead with him all the time. I can see how frustrated the little guy must be but biting is not acceptable in any circumstances.

Survived another week

Hello world. Yes I am still here. Life seems to consist recently of Rajah, work, Rajah, sleep. One more week keeping this puppy confined. Another visit today from the dog trainer – I’m going to call him the dog whisperer. He is brilliant. Lots more advice and help on how to handle an irritated, frustrated and bitey puppy.

Every morning we get up at 6am and have cuddles, breakfast and a walk. Then I get ready for work and drop Rajah at my parent’s place where he has an 8ft square pen in the garden. Off to work (which I love by the way) and I usually forget all about Rajah Then home to my parent’s place where I have dinner cooked for me and then take puppy home for a walk and then bed. Once with Rajah I forget all about work. So this is how men compartmentalise is it? No room left in my mind for anything other than what is in front of me. Not a bad way to go.

One more week of that then Rajah can stay home during the day unsupervised. He will be allowed to start running around again. Hopefully that helps his frustration levels. He is such a beautiful dog and sooooo smart. I keep saying about it but he really is intelligent.

Probably shouldn’t admit this, but I have a bit of a crush on a man at work. Totally hopeless and useless though – he is married and we work together. So it is going to go nowhere. But it is just nice to feel something for somebody other than P So it feels like a huge step forward and I feel more and more each day that I’m letting P go completely. Rajah has helped with that I must say. And this guy at work. We have a nice banter going between us and I do find him very attractive! Quite a bit older than me but I’ve always liked older men.

Rajah is having a nap right now – exhausted after all the work with the dog whisperer. I have my job cut out for me but have a few more tricks up my sleeve now. I just need to be consistent and persistent. Hard when I’m often so tired but there is no other way.

Tired

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired…………………………

Melancholia

Today I feel melancholic. At lunchtime I bought lunch at a bakery and sat looking out over the ocean to eat. The rain and wind have stopped today but it is still chilly and grey. I love this sort of weather for gazing out to sea. But it is exactly the same look and feel and mood as the day, 18 months ago, that P and I spent by the sea and memories of him and that day came flooding back. That too, was a bittersweet melancholic day.

I sat there alone and watched the older, retired couples wandering around together, just enjoying being by the sea and being with each other. I imagine some of them have been married for many years. Grandparents with their grandchildren played on the swings. I pondered, for the umpteenth time, how do people meet, fall in love, commit and stay together? It seems such a mystery to me.

There is a gentleness about this melancholy. It isn’t violent, passionate grief or deep, dull depression. Just a feeling that lightly sweeps over me and fills me with a sadness that isn’t altogether unpleasant. It is a quiet, peaceful feeling. I have often found that sorrow, sadness is such a feeling – that there is almost an underlying beauty to it.

The sea has been amazing the last few days, whipped up into a fury by the storms. The scent at work has been deliciously briney – even though we don’t see the sea from most of the workplace you know you are near it the moment you step outside.

Near where I ate my lunch is a stately old home now converted to a retirement residence. It overlooks the ocean and I could imagine myself retiring to such a place one day. (If I could ever afford it). I just had this feeling that I will always be single and such a home is probably my only option in the future. Hopefully there would be companionship in such a place and if I could be in a beautiful spot I’d be happy. Suddenly the idea of a peaceful life, without the hustle and bustle of getting on at work, adopting puppies or worrying about paying the bills seemed something to really aim for. I could imagine spending hours sitting staring out onto that ever changing ocean without having to think about where one should be going or what one should be doing. Just ending my days in peace and harmony gazing at some eternal view. It seems a long way off now – I will need to work for many more years before I can afford to retire. But the thought of the twilight years of life suddenly appealed greatly. Preparing to return to wherever it is we came from. I imagine those will be gently melancholic years too.

Rain and Rajah

Day four of rain. Three more to go at least. How we need it in our parched part of the world. Rain tanks that were empty are now full and overflowing. Hopefully our reservoirs are filling up nicely too. Not enough to break our drought conditions but it helps. I can’t remember the last time it rained so much continuously for days. It must be years.

The backyard is waterlogged and there is quite a lot of mud. At times the water pools on parts of the lawn. I’ve never seen that before in this house as it has never rained this much in the 18+ months I’ve lived here. But the plants must be heaving great sighs of relief to have such a soaking. When the sun comes out again I imagine we’ll see lots of renewed growth and greenery even though we are in autumn. My fruit trees are just now thinking of dropping their leaves.

I love rain. I love winter and colder weather. We don’t get enough of it here to really get depressing. To me the heat of summer is much more oppressive and depressive. The sun breaks through the clouds right now even as it rains. I bet there is a rainbow somewhere! I love rainbows too. I still wish upon them They fill my heart with joy.

I’m very tired. It is 4pm on Sunday afternoon and I’ve been looking after my injured pup fulltime since Friday evening. We’ve survived. We have moments where we get on really well and others where I have to confine him to the bathroom for timeout as he gets too excited and bitey. He doesn’t really like to sleep past 6am so I’ve had early starts. For someone who usually sleeps in on weekends it is a rude shock but I did expect it when I got a dog. I can only take him for short walks in the park across the road – 10 mins at a time so his leg won’t get overstrained. And it usually starts raining again within that timeframe too. He is raring to go and coping very well really considering I won’t let him run or get his excess energy out.

Somehow in this tiredness I feel a contentment. Part of me realises my life will never be the same again, but I wasn’t that enamoured of it before anyway. I really have bonded with this little dog and he with me. I feel he will be a great companion and friend as time goes by. It will be good when he is healed and old enough to go for long walks with me – then we can expend some of his enormous energy in healthy ways. He is smart – he already has learnt to sit, drop and stay (although he doesn’t like staying very much   I make him heel when we walk but this is still a bit problematic. Too many interesting smells out there to be bothered staying by mum’s side. He won’t touch his food until I tell him he can. He’s a good boy really.

The Koolie is a breed that is very affectionate, faithful and loyal to their owner. Most dogs are but apparently this breed is especially so. He can turn on the affection alright. He is hard work but I have no regrets that I rescued him from the pound. He was meant to be with me.

I would like to write something profound – all my posts lately have been so practical. I do wonder if Rajah coming into my life in such an unruly way is a sign that I haven’t yet got my own animal nature under control? Certainly my libido is still alive and well and raring to go. As is my appetite. Rajah is a good metaphor for how important the animal nature is but it must be trained and not allowed to run the show. Then it is loyal and helpful.

Also of interest to me is the fact that Rajah has injured a joint. My other lovely canine companion, Shadow, had arthritis from the age of 4. And when I housesat in 2007, one of the dogs broke his foot and I had to nursemaid him. I am a Capricorn and joints and skeleton are ruled by my sign. And knees are Capricorn and Rajah has fractured his knee. I seem to attract dogs into my life who are destined to have joint problems. I hope Rajah doesn’t end up with arthritis but the chances are increased with this fracture. Is there some sort of message for me in this too? Joints = flexibility, stability, strength? Something to ponder on anyway.

I reckon Rajah was born around the time I was away on the Vipassana meditation retreat. That too, was about mastering the physical and not letting it run the show. It was about learning equanimity and acceptance. I think Rajah has come along to test me on those lessons. I haven’t kept up the Vipassana meditation and so I’m learning the hard way

Soothing the savage beast

How do you keep an 18 week old puppy from running around for four weeks? This is my next challenge.  Rajah came home on Tuesday night from the vet. He is making a good recovery and doesn’t seem to realise he has a problem with his leg. He is wearing a bucket collar to stop him worrying the stitches and he absolutely hates it! He is still the same feisty little boy but it is harder to discipline him now due to his injuries!

My parents have come up trumps and have him during the day. I’ve bought a dog exercise pen for him to go in in their backyard which is great except it is now raining for the first time in months and scheduled to rain for the next 5 days.  So he can’t go in the pen as it is out in the open. My parents are having to cope with him in the house and he is boisterous and rambunctious. I feel guilty putting them through this.

At home I have bought a dog crate for him to sleep in overnight in my bedroom so I can keep an eye on him and stop him roaming around during the night. He’s pretty good with this and I take him outside every few hours to do his business through the night. But I have no other ways to confine him and wonder what I’ll do with him all weekend. He has to stay in the house with me and I have to watch him every second to make sure he doesn’t run or jump.

Well I asked for a challenge and boy have I got one. Not only a naughty, feisty pup but now an injured one too. He doesn’t want to be confined and quiet and is getting frustrated with it all.

Update

The vet has just rung. Yes Rajah has a fracture and has to be operated on to have a pin and wire inserted into his leg. They said I could bring him home tonight and take him back tomorrow but I have no way to keep him quiet and confined so she recommended leaving him in the vet tonight. Then he’ll probably have to stay tomorrow night too for pain relief and monitoring of his progress. It will cost around AUD1300. Phew… I don’t begrudge it – I can afford it – but wow that is expensive.

But the main thing is to make sure my little guy is ok and the best care is taken of him. Part of me wants him home tonight but I can’t keep him quiet and settled and he sleeps separately from me so I’d be worried about him all night. He is better off at the vet’s tonight. He is apparently comfortable and happy enough and they have staff there all night to keep an eye on him which is more than I could do.

Funny how much I miss him. Wonder if I’ll be able to catch up on some sleep tonight – that will be one advantage if I can (the only one probably). Lucky he’s independent and won’t get too sooky without me – never once did Shadow stay overnight in a vet – and she would have been sooky without me. I’ve had Rajah two weeks and he’s in overnight already!

It gets worse

My poor little puppy is in the vet at the moment. Has been there for six hours so far and I still haven’t heard about him. This morning a bird got into the back room and Rajah took an almighty leap to try and catch it – he jumped over 5 feet in the air. Down he came and YELP. I didn’t see exactly what he did but his rear left leg was hurt. He was holding it up and not putting any weight on it. The vet said it could be a fracture around the knee area in one of the growing areas. She kept him in to do xrays. It is a 24 hour emergency vet so they are pretty busy, when I rang a while ago the vet was in surgery with another animal and will ring me when she gets out.

Rajah may need to stay in and have a pin put in his leg if it is fractured. Or he may just need anti-inflammatories. I’m so glad I decided to make the 24 hour emergency vet surgery his default as he’s been there twice now on a Sunday (and I’ve only had him two weeks). It costs a fortune on a Sunday but at least they are open. And I’d end up taking him there anyway as his regular vet would be closed if I took him elsewhere. This vet is only 15 mins from home so not too far. It is the same vet I took Shadow too at 2am when she was at the end of her tether. She was euthanased at that vet and they were so good. So now I take Rajah there.

Part of me thought I could have a rest without him around all day but I find I really miss the little guy despite all the headaches! A friend came round this afternoon as planned so that helped take my mind off his absence. I guess if he does stay in overnight it will allow me to sleep a bit better tonight perhaps and sleep in tomorrow morning but knowing me I’ll not be able to make the most of it anyway. Poor poppet, I hope this doesn’t affect his mobility and agility long term. It is not good for a puppy to hurt themselves and damage the growing joints which are still soft.

How on earth I’ll keep him quiet and still whilst he’s recovering is anyone’s guess – it just won’t be possible.  I do hope he’ll be ok. They weighed him at the vet and he’s put on 4kg in two weeks!!!! That is a huge amount. He is getting plumpish but he’s also growing so quickly. I’m still adjusting to how much to feed him and perhaps he’s getting a bit too much. He’s not really fat or anything but looks well fed. He now weighs 12.5 kg.

Shadow was a very expensive dog with many health issues – I think perhaps Rajah may be the same! Never mind, I love them anyway. But right now I am just waiting to hear from the vet what the situation is and if he’ll need to stay over and have an operation tomorrow or if I can bring him home tonight.

Wits end

I must admit to being a bit anxious at the moment. Rajah has been with me two weeks now and we are still undergoing almighty battles over who is leader of the pack. I’m not getting enough sleep because I’m trying to give him lots of time and attention when I am home (he sleeps alone and is alone all day poor bunny) and I wake around 4am and doze fitfully until I get up around 6am. I spend around an hour and a half with him in the morning – walk, play, cuddles, training. Then I get home around 6pm and spend 3-4 hours with him again. Part of that time I read a book and he potters around. But I am exhausted. I want my life back – well the part where I could sleep in and relax in my living room. We spend most of our time in his room – the rumpus room out the back – because I have to watch him every second inside the main part of the house.

Sometimes he’s an angel and really well behaved. But he is a real Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde – and I’m never sure which one I’ll get. I make him sit and wait until I give the word to eat his food and he’s very good with that. But he does keep biting and challenging me. On the lead, out walking, he’s pretty good. He’s smart. Too smart. He’s learnt to pretend to be submissive because he gets rewarded when he is. So I think what he is doing is the aggressive thing, then backing off so I praise him. It is a sure fire way to get my attention and possibly a treat. I try to praise him and reward him when he is quietly doing his own thing without bothering me but that then draws his attention back to me. Oh it is so hard trying to outwit an 18 week old puppy Don’t I sound pathetic?

He is a Coolie (or Koolie), a working dog bred in Australia. They are extremely smart and loyal. Rajah is very affectionate and he’s an independent little chap which I really appreciate. He’s just been allowed to think he’s boss for too long. Apparently age 8-16 weeks is crucial in terms of imprinting in pups. I got him at 16 weeks so he’d already learnt all the wrong lessons by that stage. This morning we had a huge battle and I honestly don’t know if I can keep this up. If I can’t get some control over him in the next two weeks or so then I might have to give him away or something. I don’t want to. I really don’t. I fully accept it is me who is the problem – I just don’t seem to come across as a leader to him. He needs very strong leadership – which I thought I could give him – but it seems not. Maybe he would be better out on a farm with some burly male ordering him around. Maybe I would be better off there too

The dog trainer, Mark, was brilliant with him. Rajah accepted his authority very quickly although he did challenge him too. I get too het up and emotional and that gets Rajah worked up too. I need to stay calm and assertive. I think, if I crack this, I’ll write a book – Everything I know about leadership I learnt from my dog! I do not want to admit defeat on this one but both our lives will be miserable if things don’t get sorted soon. If I give him a month and still can’t attain leader of the pack status then I doubt I ever will.

Now I am tired and maybe not thinking clearly. I haven’t slept properly for a long time now. Even before I got Rajah I had got into bad sleeping patterns and whilst the patterns have changed since I got him, I’m still not sleeping enough. I want to spend time with my dog – I hate that he spends so much time alone – I want him in the house with me – but it is so tiring and draining as it is a constant battle of wits. I am exhausted. And I don’t want my wonderful new job to suffer. I do droop a bit at work in the afternoons. I can’t afford to do that.

Rajah and I have bonded and it would upset me immensley to let him go. And who would take him on? It would have to be someone pretty tough and authoratative. He is a real challenge and I don’t know how many people are prepared to deal with that. Most just want a nice, affectionate, friendly dog to come home to. Part of the trouble is Rajah is not yet fully vaccinated so I can’t let him near other dogs. I do take him for two walks a day – early morning and after dark – to try to avoid other dogs. But it isn’t enough. Because he is a pup still I can’t take him on my full daily walk (how I miss it) for quite a while yet. It is another month until he is fully covered by his vaccinations. Then he can meet and play with other dogs and I can take him to obedience classes. But in the meantime the battle for supremacy goes on. He just doesn’t take me seriously even when I do the things Mark suggested and that he demonstrated. They worked for him. If I could just tire this pup out it would help. We kick the ball around the yard for hours each day too.

Some days I feel we are making headway and things go well. Then the next day it all seems to fall in a heap again. On Thursday I was offered another dog. It had been abandoned by its owners who had moved interstate and just left the dog with a friend. The friend can’t keep her. She was a lovely dog, one year old, had been to puppy school and was quite well behaved. But I don’t know how dominant she’d be – she’d need to be tough to deal with Rajah. The idea was that she’d play with him all day and wear him out but all I could see was two dogs to have to train and walk. Anyway this dog, Ruby, was a staffy x bulldog and that is not the kind of dog that appeals to me. She was beautiful but not my kind of dog. And I just don’t think I could handle two unless the other was really well trained and behaved already and could knock some doggy sense into Rajah.

Mark, the dog trainer, has offered a free follow up visit. I did ring him the other day to talk about taking on another dog and my ongoing issues with Rajah. He gave me more advice which worked a treat with Rajah to start with. But Rajah already seems to have worked out how to turn it to his advantage without submitting. He is so clever – he’s outwitting me at the moment I am ashamed to say. Anyway, I will probably be getting Mark back next week sometime for more tips and advice.

Why do I ask for challenge? I certainly have got it in this little puppy! Will things ever settle down for us? I can’t go on like this for too much longer. Something has to give.

Exhaustion.. but for the right reasons

Both Rajah and I are totally pooped. We spent three hours with the dog trainer this afternoon. Poor little Rajah is having his brain rewired! As is his mum! I have to do things differently around here to show Rajah who is boss. It has already started with him totally submitting to Mark, the trainer, and beginning to submit to me. Of course we have a week of him lording it over me to overcome, plus his first 16 weeks of being a dominant dog who got his own way. But he learns quick although he is feisty. I will have a few battles over the next few weeks. But it is worth it. Just I am so tired right now that it is hard to be constantly on the ball reinforcing consistently the behaviours and attitude I want Rajah to develop. But it is so worthwhile otherwise I might end up with a delinquent child.

But at least I have some idea of what to do now – before I was trying to learn from books, internet and friends. There is nothing like one on one coaching from an expert. It exhausts me to think of the effort I’ll need to put in over the next few weeks and months but hey, I did choose a puppy! From the pound! Good pups don’t necessarily end up in those places.

This morning I went and had a one hour massage just to try to compensate for lack of sleep and anxiety. Was wonderful. I now feel much happier about dealing with Rajah effectively too. I can see light at the end of the tunnel although it is dim right now still. This pup is awesome and will be such a great companion if we get off to the right start. He is in the back room now and I can predict he’ll be fast asleep after so much learning. I could happily curl up and sleep for a week now too.

The job is going well too. I felt a bit guilty last week as my attention was always half on Rajah even when at work. But it is good that it is a quiet time at work and I’m still settling in so my diverted attention isn’t too problematic. I am very happy with the move though. As I write this post I suddenly have an uplifting of the heart and a sense that all is going to be very well in my life. It already is in fact – if only I can keep the positive focus. Lack of sleep always predisposes me to the negative. I’ve really landed on my feet with this new job – it is actually much better than I’d anticipated. And I think Rajah was drawn to me because the universe knows I am prepared to put time and energy into the little guy whereas others would just banish him or hit him or abandon him. Not me. He’s with me for life. It won’t be dull or boring I know that for sure.

And a thousand apologies to all my blog friends out there. I am aware of how remiss I have been about visiting your blogs and commenting. I apologise profusely. I no longer have internet access at work and am too tired to hop on at home after a day in my new job and especially now with Rajah to focus on. I thank you for still visiting me and commenting and always really appreciate your support. I’ll catch up on your worlds as soon as I can.