Money

I have managed to spend over $2000 in the space of a few days. First paying for the hotel room in Arizona and today I had my car serviced. It needed new shock absorbers and two new tyres. An expensive week. Not looking forward to my next credit card bill.

Money is something I’ve never had to worry much about. Sure I’ve had times when I have, in theory, not had enough coming in to meet my expenses but somehow I’ve always trusted that I’d be ok financially - and I have. It isn’t because I earn loads of money or have a private income - it is just a belief that I have that there will always be enough.

It works too. I remember a decade or so ago being really strapped for cash. I had a mortgage to pay and had just been made redundant from work. I returned to full time study for over a year but the redundancy (which was totally unexpected) netted me a payout (which was unheard of in the company I worked for at the time) that enabled me to pursue my interests and pay the mortgage for a year.

Other times I’ve needed small specific amounts - and the cash has appeared unexpectedly. A tax refund, a gift, a lottery ticket win, a reimbursement for something or other.

So generally speaking I don’t stress about money. I give a fair bit away to charities because I believe that money needs to flow. It seems the more you give the more comes back to you. I have been made redundant three times in my working life - more than most people. Yes, those have been stressful times in many ways but they have been lucrative financially - I’ve had $58,000 in payouts over the years. In Australia we have long service leave after 10 years continuous service with an employer - as I have never worked anywhere more than 5 years I have never benefited from this three months leave on full pay. But I figure that my redundancy payouts have more than recompensed me for missing out.

I have never counted how much money I have spent on travel and study but it would be a considerable sum. My faithful canine friend, Shadow, cost me a small fortune due to medical problems she developed (her medication alone was $100 a month for 7 years). I don’t begrudge a single cent that I have paid out for any of these things. Money is not to be hoarded but to be used. I know that is easy for me to say as I’ve never gone without, but I do think it is this attitude that helps that. I have been unemployed or only working part time and trying to pay a mortgage and run a household at various times - when the books definitely didn’t balance on paper - yet somehow I managed. I’m not really sure how to be honest.

Beliefs play a large role in our lives and what we manifest. It seems money is one area that I am ok in. I have no fears about meeting my basic needs - survival, shelter, food etc. I have a tendency to find beautiful places to live in - even when I’m renting. I do ‘homes’ really well.

It is just the emotional realm that has caused me so much grief over the years and I know this is also due to my underlying beliefs. Only in this area they are not so positive. But they are slowly changing into more helpful ones with the help of some wonderful people in my life - all of you included.

I can easily believe in abundance financially, can I transfer that belief into an abundance of love too? I’m getting there

So right now I am not stressing over the heavy financial commitments this week has brought about. I am good at budgeting and am good at saving money so I have enough to cover these bills. I am not generally extravagant and will probably be very circumspect in my spending for a while now. But hey, when you are on holiday you have to spend up, right? Right! And I need my car to be in good shape and reliable. And guess what? I haven’t done last year’s tax return yet - and I have a feeling it will result in a refund of around $2000 when I do get around to doing it. Sweet…

Home

I am finally beginning to readjust to being home. I felt disoriented and dopey for a while there. Last night I slept for 14 hours. My flight landed about 10am and I went to bed at 6.30pm. This morning I felt rested but unsettled. I didn’t know what to do with myself somehow. But that has now passed and I am very glad to be home in my own wonderful bed with the lovely peace and quiet of my surroundings.

I enjoyed my visit to Arizona and I enjoyed meeting Bekki. We had a great time together all in all, especially considering we’d never met before spending ten nights in the same room! It could have been murder really if you think about it. Oh, we had our moments - just as any two people in close proximity would have done - but we worked through it ok and I think we’ve both learnt things from each other - I hope so anyway.

My focus now I’m back is on my garden. There has been a lot of rain in my absence (hooray!) and everything is looking lovely and green. Including the weeds I need to trim my hedges and chop down a plum tree that has split in half. I have some plants to bed in the ground and potplants to pot on. I’m doing the domestic routine thing now to help settle back into normality.

The weather here is lovely now, cool with some sun and some cloud. It hasn’t rained since my return but everywhere is still damp. Arizona reminded me of Adelaide in the spring - hot and dry. It was in the 90s most days which is bearable but too hot for me over all. It is lovely to come home to cooler weather.

I will now attempt to catch up with my blog reading and see what you have all been up to while I’ve been away. I’m sorry not to write anything profound or deep at this time but I am just readjusting. I believe things are going on in my psyche on a superconscious level that I can’t quite articulate or make concrete at this time. My lower mind has kicked in again after being on holiday itself for ten days, and it is giving me some ideas for the future.

I had several meetings with people at the conference, especially a wonderful woman who lives here in Adelaide and who I consider a mentor/teacher. Contacts have been made with other internet/multimedia people including a freelance editor/producer/director from Hollywood. Some plans are on the drawing board for projects we might begin to work on. Funding is being sought too. I think things will begin happening in that area fairly soon. I won’t be giving up my day job though It would be a long time I imagine, before I could make a living from these projects. But I think I am in the right place in my paid employment - the direction it seems to be taking dovetails beautifully with the projects I would like to be involved with for my service work. All seems to be panning out as it should.

I trust. I have faith. Life is good, all in all. I feel better than I have ever felt with my life as a whole. Sure it isn’t all I would really like it to be yet, however I have plenty and am learning to be happy and content with what I do have, especially when I do have so much. Emotionally, I am more settled than I have ever been - the great yearnings and longings have passed. Somehow, without quite realising it, I find I have enough going on to satisfy my emotional needs. It isn’t what I imagined I’d need or want, yet somehow it works. It is not what my daydreams entailed all these years, however reality sometimes is better than fantasy. Such I am finding now.

Burma

How much more suffering do the people of Burma have to live through? I can only hope that this is the dark night of the soul for that country, and that now some light may pour into the beleagured nation. The military is actually prepared to ask for outside help it would seem and maybe the tide will turn if the country can be opened up to outside influence.

I have had an interest in Burma for many years - partially inspired by that wonderful woman Aung San Suu Kyi. She is amazing. How difficult it must be for her to witness the pains of her people.

My other interest stems from family roots - my grandparents lived for a time in Burma, as well as in India and what is now Bangladesh.

I am inspired again to do something to help. I felt this way, as did so many, at the time of the tsunami. I donated money but it took quite a few years before I did anything hands on in a developing nation. I have some ideas this time of how I might head in the direction of aiding those in stricken places, but it will need to be through education as that is the only area of expertise related to aid that I possess.

Meanwhile, I hope this is the lowest point to be reached, and the beginning of brighter times ahead for Burma and her people.

Desert sunrise

I have just been lucky enough to witness a majestic desert sunrise over the faroff mountains. In an odd juxtaposition I stood by the side of the freeway in the chill morning twilight as it gave the best view. The freeway lights went off in sequence as if in awareness that a far greater light was not too far away.

The mountains were pale grey, misty silhouettes not unlike dinosaur skeletons, jagged against the growing light. I watched one cloud turn from a grey patch to a pool of molten gold before the rising, glowing orb forced my gaze away. The mountains tinted with the palest pink but still remained misty and mysterious.

Seeming oblivious to the glory flew a formation of birds heading south.

Mindlessness

Saturday evening. I’ve been here a week and I can’t quite believe it. Tomorrow is the last day of the conference and I fly home the day after that. I leave here Monday but don’t get home until Wednesday because of the time difference.

I’ve realised that my lower mind has almost switched off during this week which is a wonderful change. A lot of the presentations have been at a very high, abstract level - and I can’t comprehend the concepts with my concrete mind. But there has been alignment and meditation every day too and somehow I think I’ve tuned in at a higher level. It hasn’t filtered down to the brain consciousness in many cases but it has gone in. I realise that I’ve not done any of my usual analysis and planning and general monkey mind business (chitta, chatter). My mind has somehow calmed and stilled and to some extent I am just being. I only realised this today.

Having Bekki here with me has been good as she has kept me grounded every day. We’ve not spent a huge amount of time together as I spend most of the day and evening in the conference and she has been doing her own thing. She has been doing enough mental work for both of us I believe. She’s somehow energetically freed me from the need to process things myself. This is kind of unique for me. Her being here has been good too, because I am kind of shy when I don’t know people and I only know one other person here (well I know a few more now of course) so knowing that Bekki is here to talk to during downtime from the conference has helped me feel secure.

I wonder how this will translate when I get home. Will my ever active mind start up again? I dare say it will but the respite for a week has been a wonderful, unexpected gift. All in all I’ve been feeling very good this week. On the whole I think I’ve maintained my emotional tranquillity pretty well all things considered.

I do miss all of you very much - I want to catch up on what you’ve all been posting for the past ten days or so but that will have to wait until I get home. Then I hope to get back into posting daily again. I’m sure work will take over that intention fairly soon but I can try

I’ve just been filled with a feeling of gratitude and realise how lucky I am in so many ways. I’ve a new appreciation for P’s role in my life - he’s often been here with me this week ;-)  I can feel him around me at times. It doesn’t matter that there is an entire huge ocean between us. There is a connection there that is much greater than words or physical location.

I’ve also had discussions here about various projects (multimedia and online education) that I will hopefully get involved with as time goes by.

I miss you my friends. I look forward to talking with you again soon.

Namaste.
Zen

Arizona

This is my fifth full day in Arizona. I am finally getting over my jet lag and adjusting to the different time zone. The climate here is so much like Adelaide in spring/summer. In fact I look around at times and could easily believe I am still at home - with the jacarandas and oleanders and hibiscus. No gum trees though.

I am happy to be here. I am happy. I have challenges, that is a fact of life for me but one that I like - always the opportunity to learn and grow. I am learning about relating to people with whom I am in close proximity and learning to be more tolerant and less judgemental. I need these lessons.

Bekki is here with me from Florida. She is a totally amazing woman who is really going to do wonderful things. She has such enthusiasm for life which is nice and refreshing. She is real and genuine and I like and respect that. She has been learning things here too. She was meant to come here for many reasons - not just for us to meet up. Bekki is so brave.

I’ve had some lovely, almost romantic, contact from P since I got here and that makes me smile and glow. He surprises me constantly by exceeding what I imagine possible. He gives me something that no man has ever given me before and I cherish that for as long as it may last.

To be among like minded people here is wonderful too. I am a complete novice compared to others here but that is ok with me. I pick up what I can and trust the rest will go in on some higher level ready to access when the time is right.

Time to go and check my load of laundry The mundane follows us everywhere.

Love to you all. Hope you are all doing ok. I look forward to catching up with all your news when I get home in a week.

Namaste

Zen

Killjoy

Sometimes I feel like I am such a killjoy. Do I destroy the light and bring people down? That is not who I want to be. I try to be realistic but not at the expense of other people’s joy.

Another tough lesson for me to learn?

I’m leaving on a jet plane…

8pm. Thursday evening. All packed except my toothbrush. What is it with these restrictions on what you can take on board the plane with you? Can’t take my normal tube of toothpaste on board - perhaps I might clean everyone up! Or at least their teeth. Everything has to be in small sizes and in a resealable plastic bag for checking. I guess I might moisturise everyone in sight if they let me loose with my full size toiletries!

I have a book ready - I’ve been trying to read it for about two weeks and never get more than half a page read at a time. Now I’ll have 24 hours of travelling in which to read it I wonder if jet lag will get me. I hear it is worse coming home than going over. I have four days to recover when I get back before returning to work.

I will of course take my journal on board with me. I can’t not write. And I won’t be able to blog on the plane trip so I will write it all in my own fair hand. But alas I am not taking my camera. It has a problem and I haven’t had time to get it fixed. So no Arizona photos. I thought of taking my video camera but you know what? I can’t be bothered. I’m just going to relax this time and experience the sights without capturing them. (Oh boy I bet I’ll regret this decision the minute I get there - I am such a camera freak!)

I want to write something profound and meaningful here but I find I am completely out of inspiration. The last few weeks have been so full on - busy and full of surprises and strange turns of events. Very good ones though! Maybe I’ll have something more interesting to say on my return.

On holidays soon

One more day at work to go. Friday is a public holiday here (Anzac Day) and I fly out early in the morning. Just Thursday to get through at work. This week has been crazy mad. I’ve visited all the metropolitan campuses to give presentations to all staff on the improvements we released to the portal last week. Plus getting through all the work that I’d normally do during the next two weeks when I’ll be on leave.

But I’m on the home strait now. I can just imagine collapsing into my seat on the plane and just breathing a sigh of relief, finally able to let everything go. The travelling time is 24 hours so I’m going to be pretty exhausted by the time I get to Phoenix. I hope the jetlag doesn’t get me.

I feel so ready for a holiday. The timing is really good - this trip has been planned since last October before I even knew how busy things would be at work (although I had a suspicion) - and I’ve just about reached burnout point.

So now I’m finally thinking about packing and what I need to take with me. In some ways it still hasn’t quite sunk in that I’m off to the US for the first time. It is only a fleeting visit, ten nights, but a starting point to exploring the American continents. I’m sure I’ll return in the future.

The hotel has internet access but I’m not sure how often I’ll get a chance to post so it might be a bit quiet around Karma Web for a couple of weeks. I’ll be thinking of you all though. And I’m getting the opportunity to meet Bekki, who I met through WordPress at the beginning of the year. We hit it off as friends immediately and I am so glad that we are going to meet in person. I love my online friendships but it is nice to have face to face interactions as well.

I miss posting every day. I notice visits are way down too now I don’t blog as often, and comments have also dwindled - well of course - there is nothing new to comment on I do find that I am just too tired when I get home each evening to turn on the PC and write. I’ve been working back late and it is dark when I get home - I cook myself some dinner, read for a while, meditate and then fall into bed. My daily walk now takes place in the morning before work so I can walk in daylight.

Nothing exciting to report. Work is busy as I’ve said. Personal life has been quite busy recently too - and of course I am still happy with my new arrangement with P. That still amazes me but in a good way. I feel quite blessed by the universe at the moment and I can’t really ask for more than I have right now. Ok it still isn’t my perfect, ideal life but who ever gets that anyway? I don’t expect it anymore and am happy to be content with what I do have. And I have a lot.

I may get a chance to post again before I leave but if I don’t then I send you all blessings and hope you keep safe and well until I can catch up with you all again. You have my love.

Namaste

Zen

The blooming of the rose

Almost three weeks ago I posted about the rose - an ongoing theme and symbol in my relationship with P. At that time I explained the various manifestations of the rose and rose bush and how it seemed to chart our relationship. Back then the rose bush he gave me was healthy but with no blooms in sight and I wondered if it would ever bloom again. It really does seem to symbolise the developments.

Since that post P and I have become lovers. And now the rose bush has bloomed again. The bud was there on Sunday and P saw it and now it is in its full glory. I wish I could post the scent as well - it is glorious.

I am very happy at the moment. I fell in love with P last year and went through a tough time when we decided not to pursue a relationship but to just stay as friends. I plunged for a while into a very sorrowful place. I learnt a lot from that experience and eventually turned to my spirituality for aide. When P and I met up again after a 4 month break and decided to pursue the sexual angle I thought it would just be a physical and mental connection we shared.

Last Sunday was beautiful. It was very emotional as well as physical. Tender and passionate and intense. Somehow we seem to have worked something out without too many words. Last year I wouldn’t have been happy with this turn of events - I wanted a full relationship with him. I let go of that, difficult as it was, and I let go of him. He came back. And circumstances changed and I find now we are probably having the relationship we were always really meant to have.

Just because you have a deep connection with someone doesn’t mean you need to follow the ‘conventional’ path of becoming a couple. I was always very drawn to the relationship between Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. I thought that was ideal, it appealed to me immensely. They shared a deep bond but didn’t feel restricted to a normal life together as a couple.

Amazingly, I find that the idea of not seeing P often or regularly is quite ok. I imagine we’ll manage to meet up perhaps once or twice a month (judging by our past history and our busy lifestyles). But when we do, all our attention is focussed on each other. I have always felt we are two of a kind and it seems we are in agreement even in our unconventional approach towards seeing each other. I thought I’d be a bit more possessive and, well, needy. But there is real power in letting something go and releasing all expectations. Sometimes what comes back to you is better than what you let go of.

I could never have anticipated things turning out this way. I don’t know where this will go or for how long. I am learning to have no expectations and am discovering how liberating it is to live in this way. Just accept what is, appreciate it and be grateful for it. Live as if this is all you’ll ever have, and you appreciate just how wonderful what you have is.

I feel totally fulfilled and happy and very grateful to the universe for giving me such wonderful gifts of understanding. And the blooming of the rose seems to symbolise, yet again, that all is as it should be with P and myself.

A ramble on many things and nothing

I am so tired at the moment. Today we released new functionality to the system I work on. It meant at 7.30am start and a very long day. Lots of long hours recently, hence the diminishing number of posts here.

I find a get very weepy and grumpy when I am over tired - like a child. In fact I think I regress to a child like state when I am very tired. It isn’t just the long hours recently, it is time for a holiday - I am getting a bit jaded with work right now. I need a break.

Luckily I am soon to have just that. Only a week now until I fly out to the States. Two weeks off work. I am looking forward to it very much. I’ve just about reached the end of my tether at work - I’m feeling burnt out. I know I have a lot to do in this next week and things will be really busy when I return, but just to have a breather in between sounds very good.

All that aside, I have been quietly glowing all week with many secret little smiles to myself when I think back to Sunday afternoon with P. In his words, it was delightful. Did I mention that he called me gorgeous too? That means a lot to me -its not every day that word is applied to me. Ironically, S called me gorgeous only a few weeks ago. That surprised me at the time I must admit, and now hearing it from P has me hugging myself with delight. I am as vain as the next person

I don’t consider myself at all gorgeous or attractive you see. I guess I have a low self esteem when it comes to physical appearance. I’m confident enough in other areas. Last year in India, a man I liked and respected told me that I lit up the room. That boosted my ego immensely.

Its funny how hung up we all are about our looks. Is it just a societal thing? The media pushing a particular idea that you have to look ‘good’? But it has always been so hasn’t it? Helen of Troy - the face that launched a thousand ships (although that always made me think of them smashing her, head first, against each hull like a champagne bottle rather than the real interpretation - she wouldn’t have looked so good after all that!) Cleopatra was supposedly beautiful - always in history it has been noted. It is the first thing you notice about someone after all - the first impression.

I feel I am rambling on here without a point. That is because I am. Rambling on. Without a point.

Summary - feeling weepy and grumpy but only due to tiredness. Hugging myself with secret smiles of delight when I think of my love life. Looking forward to my upcoming holiday and meeting my good friend Bekki (nectarfizz). All in all, life is sweet right now. A good nights sleep and my irrits will have gone.

Driving to work this morning too, I was so struck by the beauty of the early sun on the trees. Driving home I saw the golden orb sinking over the horizon giving yet another glow to the trees. This morning I thought how lucky am I to see all this and to feel so happy?

Listening over and over to “All I want is you” and “One” in the car to and from work. U2.  

New definitions of relationship

I’ve been thinking a lot about these new developments with P. There must be a term or a name for this new sort of ‘relationship’ or ‘friendship’ or whatever it is. There are obviously the crude ones – “friends who fuck” or “fuck buddies” – but this is actually a bit different somehow. It really needs to be defined with a term of its own I think. It isn’t a traditional relationship but it is more than a friendship – even a friendship with sex.

The dynamic here is different to how it was with S. It is on a different level than that was - more intense, more deep, more emotional. Perhaps there should be a sliding scale of descriptions from platonic friendships through to committed marriages. I am half joking of course but I seriously do think we are redefining relationships in the Aquarian age and the old rules don’t apply and the old traditional relationship ideas don’t work all the time anymore.

I seriously believe that the “boy meets girl, they fall in love, get married and live together happily every after” scenario won’t meet the needs of many people in the future. It is still the default model – the normative one – but I think more and more people are finding it unsatisfactory – not because they have the wrong partner or won’t work on the relationship – but just because it is only one of many possible alternatives that we haven’t quite pinned down yet.

As always I turn to astrology to see if it holds any clues to the situations I find myself in. And of course it always does. Looking at our individual charts and looking at our composite chart (and synastric connections) I find that one of the major defining things in the connection between P and myself is Venus squaring Uranus. We each have it in our natal charts and it flows through to our composite chart. In our synasty we have trine and sextile aspects between our Venus and Uranus positions. Venus, as the planet of love and relationships is heavily influenced by Uranus for us both and our relationship.

Uranus is an electric, eccentric, unconventional planet. It loves freedom and hates restriction. It strives to find better conditions. It is dynamic and strikes suddenly like lightning.

Put these two together and you get the following sorts of effects. P and I were both born with Venus squaring Uranus so the following describes part of our basic attitude and approach:

• need for stimulation and the need to break the rules with regards to love and romance
• on-again off-again energy when it comes to matters of the heart
• “absence makes the heart grow fonder” attitude
• maintaining long-distance or otherwise erratic relationships
• abrupt beginnings and endings in relationships
• disdain for conventional, traditional, or otherwise “normal” relationships
• need to learn to balance the need for closeness and the need for freedom
• strong attraction to all that is different, and all that “shouldn’t” be done in love and in sex
• tendency to react spontaneously and intensely to others
• marked emotional impulsiveness
• delight in defying convention
• love feelings are easily aroused
• romantic relationships begin with suddenness
• marked inner craving for emotional excitement and a need to feel spontaneous and free.

(Paraphrased from Cafe Astrology)

In our composite chart – which is the chart of our relationship - the Venus square Uranus aspect manifests in the following way:

This relationship will always have a highly unstable, unpredictable tone, an electric quality that is exciting but not especially soothing or peaceful.

You may see one another on an irregular basis, or have numerous separations and reunions, or for some other reason be unable to establish a steady rhythm and togetherness.

Freedom, openness, and a spirit of adventure (particularly regarding sexuality and intimate relationships) will be a must in this relationship.

Attempts to solidify or pin one another down will actually work against the essential nature and purpose of this relationship, which is to relate to one another without a great deal of structure or expectations.    (From Cafe Astrology)

Uranus is a relatively recently discovered planet so it didn’t impact on people’s lives at all for aeons, but now more people are becoming sensitive to its vibes and it won’t allow conventionality and demands freedom. Looking around me I see many traditional relationships failing but many people don’t understand why. I think there is still very definitely a place for traditional committed relationships, but no longer will that idea meet the needs of all. We all know people who are labelled ‘commitment-phobe’ (myself included probably). We see it as a problem and an issue. But perhaps they are just heavily influenced by Uranian energy and don’t want to be tied down. They may still want love, affection, intimacy and sex but do not want to give up their freedom.

Come back in 100 years time and I reckon we’ll see a whole suite of different types of relationships – something to meet the needs of everyone.

Being human

Just a few hours on from my last post and I am again very glad to be a human being in a human body. There are some things that make it all worthwhile.

Just spent a long, lovely Sunday afternoon with P at my place. He left a little while ago and I am feeling sleepy and satisfied.

Sometimes life is good. This is one of those moments. This weekend has been full of very human, visceral, tactile experiences. I celebrate being in this body. I celebrate being a soul having a human experience. For once I highly recommend it.

U2 3D

Last night I saw the movie U2 3D. An hour and half 3D movie of U2 in concert - the Vertigo tour. I went to this concert when they came to Adelaide in late 2006 (I’ve been to see them every time they’ve come to Adelaide starting in the 80’s and I’ve also seen them live in Dublin).

This film was something else again. Fantastic and brilliant - sitting there with my special 3D glasses on I felt like Bono with his ever present shades. At times I soared as if on wings over the pulsating crowds; I rocked in the mosh pit; I joined the band on stage. I had an eagle eye view of Larry on the drums and got up close and personal with Adam and the Edge. I watched from the crowd only with a much better view than I had ever had at a concert. And then Bono gazed into my eyes and reached out his hand toward me - it was all I could do not to reach out to take it.

The atmosphere wasn’t quite as good as being at the live event, but it was still a big buzz. I was hard pressed to sit still in my seat and I wanted to sing along at the top of my voice like I do at concerts. Alas, Adelaideans are rather staid and conservative and so none of that would have been appropriate. I went with my good friend of 20 years - she and I always do U2 together

It all made me realise how happy I am to be a human being in a human body. The experiences of something like a concert are so visceral and I just appreciated so much this body, emotions and mind I am blessed with. We can’t be all spiritual all the time (well actually we are if we only realised it) and sometimes we just have to be human and enjoy the experience.

I have been a U2 fan since the very early days - they are only slightly older than me. I’ve watched them develop as musicians and as human beings. They impress me very much - Bono is an amazing man - one I admire greatly.

I have actually met Adam Clayton many years ago here in Adelaide and I saw Bono walk past. In those days Adam was my favourite which is why I went up and talked to him. I wish now I’d spoken to Bono too. Just a fleeting moment in my life but one I do cherish. See I am still a groupie at heart.

This movie is only on for one week in Adelaide and I had to drive for an hour to get to the only cinema where it was showing. I’m very glad I made the effort. It really is a brilliant experience. I’d highly recommend it for any U2 fans out there.

Being human is pretty cool sometimes

 

Work developments

I can’t believe its been four days since I last posted! Where has the time gone? Basically I’ve been flat out busy at work; working late and not interested in turning on the computer when I get home. I work with computers all day, like many of us.

Not long ago I posted about wanting to take on more challenges at work. At that point there didn’t seem too many options on the horizon in my current workplace. Then on April 1 I had my regular performance review with my boss and told him I was looking for some upskilling and more mental stimulation. (He actually had noticed that my interest had waned for a while back in February when things were slow but had let me ride it out - he is a great boss!) As expected, whilst understanding where I was coming from he reiterated what I thought - there wasn’t a lot of scope within our area.

That was a Tuesday. On the Friday he called me and a colleague into a meeting and said he’d been asked to take on responsibility for a new team that was being introduced into our unit. Whilst still doing his current job! Basically, what that means for me is that his attention will be more and more diverted to this new team (it is a big mess that he needs to sort out) and he is relying on me to take over a bit more of the actual management of the project we’re working on. Also the team he is taking on looks after the university’s online education systems - right up my alley - so I’ve also been asked to help him out with some of that. There isn’t a place for me in the team as it is all technical developers required, but I can support my boss with the documentation and with talking to academics.

It is all progressing quite slowly and I have learnt not to have expectations anymore. I’ve been told in so many jobs that new opportunities are arising for me only to have them never eventuate; I now don’t take for granted what I am told. Still, I do find it interesting that within a few weeks of putting out my intent to the universe that I want more responsibility and challenge, it seems circumstances have contrived to give me that.

Sheepishly listening

This guy was also pretty interested in the monk’s debate

Tibetan woman

This woman caught my eye at a monastery in Tibet. She was watching the monks debating. It was either Sera or Drepung monastery near Lhasa.

Strangely odd

Sad, but underlain with happiness
Bored, just the calm before the storm
Discontented, although still grateful
Tired, yet with a buzz underneath
Waiting, but in full flight
So many contradictory moods
Vying for expression
All at once
Is this being human?

Sunset at Deep Creek

Looking out to sea.

Looking inland.

 

Spiritual college

In my previous post I mentioned that some people I know are moving to New Zealand to teach at a spiritual college starting up there. I visited the location four years ago. I decided to post some photos of the place to give you an idea of how glorious it is over there. It is located on the Banks Peninsula not far from Christchurch.

The Banks Peninsula was originally a volcano so you now have a ring of hills surrounding a harbour that was once the crater. The current header on this blog is of Akaroa Harbour on this peninsula.

Below are photos of the Christ College of Trans Himalayan Wisdom where my friends will be building a unit and residing permanently. Not a bad place to live I would say!

The view overlooking the property. The harbour looks like a dove from up here. Straight ahead (if you could see that far) is Aoraki/Mt Cook. Imagine waking up to this outlook every day!

 

The meditation temple. Front (above) and rear (below). In the centre of the ceiling is a quartz crystal that was brought especially from Tibet to be the focal point of meditation energies.

The buildings and the property as they were four years ago. The building in the distance next to the tree is an original settlers cottage.

Still pondering

I have been attending a weekly meditation/study class at the Theosophical Society. The term is over and yesterday we had an all day astrology workshop at the home of the facilitators. I felt so nourished spending that time talking about one of my all time favourite topics within a group setting.

Today is Sunday and I am at home alone. Nothing planned for the day except perhaps some gardening (and a vague idea to go and meditate in a cemetery). This morning I again woke with the churning stomach that doesn’t seem to be directly related to anything happening in my life. I am not upset or unhappy, just a bit hollow. I think it is the contrast with yesterday where I was part of a group of like minded souls.

I am looking for a sense of belonging and a sense of community. The facilitators of this group announced on Wednesday that they are selling up and moving to New Zealand to teach at a spiritual school being set up over there. I have visited this spot in NZ over four years ago and it is sublime. They will live onsite on this stunning property and have students residing there too for six months of the year. A real spiritual community.

I don’t feel called to go there specifically. I thought it might be my destiny at one stage before I visited it. But once I was there, lovely as it was, I didn’t feel as though I was meant to end up there. Still I do like the idea of the community living.

I know when I am with people who speak my ‘language’ - the language of esotericism, astrology, meditation, Ageless Wisdom, soul development, service to humanity - I come alive. I feel fulfilled and satisfied. I want more… I have a sense of belonging.

There may be a project starting up in Adelaide that I can get involved in and use my multimedia skills for. I am champing at the bit to get started to be honest. The person I will be working with is also going to the conference in Arizona and we plan to meet up there to discuss possibilities. (Don’t you just love it when you have to go half way around the world to speak to someone who lives in your own city?)

This soul work, service work, is where I want to put my energies and focus. It won’t take the place of my day job so it will be on top of a full time workload. That is ok - if I can participate and belong and be doing some good work then that will be wonderful.

As for the whole relationship, meeting Mr Right thing? Well I guess that is still there in the background a bit. Have I just dropped that because it is too hard, too problematic? Is it an area of my life that I really do need to work on to give me more balance? Do I need a personal relationship to learn certain things? It is an area of my life that has never been fully rounded out or expressed. My focus is on relationships a lot these days partly because of what is happening astrologically for me (Progressed sun in the 7th house and Uranus transitting through the 7th house). It is a time for me to learn about partnerships. But that can mean more than romantic one on one relationships.

So I’m still pondering…

Questioning again

Once again I am questioning. The theme of my questions?

Relationships. As in boy meets girl (or whatever takes your fancy) and they live happily ever after.

I’m puzzled and confused.

I’ve written about my experiences of falling in love and my problematic relationships. There haven’t been too many of them and they’ve never fallen within the realms of ‘normal’, whatever that means. I guess by that, in this instance, I mean recognised, out in the open committed couple-ness.

My confusion arises because having a ‘normal’ relationship – one where girl meets boy, falls in love and gets married (or live together) – has never been a huge driver for me. I have always seen everyone around me wanting that, doing that, expecting that.

Since my teens I’ve been adamant that I didn’t want to get married, have children and live happily ever after. Interestingly, my parents have always got that about me. But for many years none of my friends got that. Some still don’t. Even those who are currently single want more than anything else to be part of a couple.

Hey that is normal right? Doesn’t everyone want a partner? Someone to share their lives with?

Whenever I have expressed my lack of conviction about a relationship being the highest thing I can aspire to, many people have told me I am in denial, I am repressed, I am avoiding. I’ve been called a love anorexic. They say this because they judge me based on what they themselves want.

Hey, this is the consumer society where to be successful you have to have it all – including the happy relationship. If you don’t have it you are unfortunate. If you don’t want it there is something wrong with you.

I think in the West we are brainwashed by soppy movies, literature and the media to think we need to have a relationship in order to live worthwhile lives. I believe that for probably the majority of people this holds true. I get sucked in every time. Because there definitely is something missing in my life I buy in to the propaganda and start to feel the urge to merge with another human being. I decide I desperately yearn for that special man in my life. The one who can make me feel complete.

I’ve been back there recently as you will know. Suddenly, though, again I am wondering. It comes up in cycles – I want a partner, I don’t want one, I want one, I don’t…

I’m starting to really be aware now that what I am yearning for is my soul group. That group of people that I am to work with to manifest my purpose. I get lonely at times. If I was in close communion with this group (on the physical plane) perhaps that feeling would go. The loneliness is based on a sense of something not being right in my life – something left unfulfilled.

Society says it must be a relationship I seek. Many (not all) of my friends say it is a man you seek. When I say, no I don’t know that it is – people interpret that as my fear of being hurt, of denying my real needs.

My real need is to be the person I was born to be. My real need is to bring the soul into my daily living. My real need is to activate my talents and skills and put them to work in something meaningful. My real need is to find those other people I am meant to work with here on the Earth.

If a relationship came out of fulfilling those needs that would be lovely. But if I had to choose between a wonderful fulfilling relationship or doing my soul work – soul work would win hands down.

Ironically it is probably through the soul work that I will eventually find a wonderful, fulfilling relationship if that is something I am meant to have this time around.

Luckily I have people around me who do understand the urge and yearning toward the spiritual life and the fulfilling of soul purpose. Some of those are happily married, some are single. They understand that there is more to life for some of us than partner and family.

I am really trying to get to the bottom of my lifelong lack of interest in the happy ever after idea. Is it fear, denial, and avoidance as some say? Or is it that it just isn’t that important to me? There is no doubt something is missing in my life but I don’t think it is a one-on-one personal relationship. I think it is an ashramic group relationship that I really yearn for. That sense of community and purpose working toward a goal – one we have incarnated to achieve.

If a relationship came along with that… well I’d be happy to take it. But I don’t believe a relationship in itself will fulfil me totally.

I feel

I feel trapped in my body. My soul wants to soar, free as a bird, but remains earthbound, anchored by this flesh and bone.

I feel the urge to write and exorcise this feeling within me of restlessness but for once nothing will come. I very rarely have writers block. Today it strikes me.

I feel strange in mood. Discontent – in that sense of wanting more of the spiritual life than I have currently attained.

I feel tired and weary after a busy week at work and more socialising than I am used to. I’ve just run out of steam.

I feel myself developing and learning but as always with this process there are growing pains.

I feel restricted by my emotional fluctuations even if they are related to an exciting development in my life.

I feel as if I would like to just feel – lost in sensuous and sensual sensations without the interference of my mind.

I feel I would like to fly away from daily life and just live in a state of beingness, experiencing pure energies with no contradictions.

I feel as if I could sleep for a week, lost in that wonderful world of dreams that seems so real and so meaningful.

I feel empty and hollow, waiting to be filled up with light and love and purpose.

Learning again

Again I have to thank Guybrush57 and Aullori for their wise words on the differences between the way men and women think. Both are long-term, happily married women who have obviously learnt the art of understanding our similarities and differences.

I had been getting quite stressed at the lack of contact from P until these wise women stepped in. After reading their comments I calmed down completely. I stopped being pessimistic and thinking the worst and decided to go with the flow and wait to see what developed.

Last night came the email from P. He explained how busy he’s been (and I already knew it was a particularly busy time of year for him) and wanted to know if there was a chance to meet before I went overseas. I know he will be flat out busy for at least another week (including most probably both the weekends) with marking and exams. Then I have a busy weekend after than. That leaves only a very small window of opportunity for us to catch up prior to my departure for Arizona.

Actually, much as I want to see him, that isn’t the issue. The fact is that I went into judgemental thinking, something I usually pride myself on not succumbing to. I suddenly projected all these motives and manipulations onto him. This obviously tells a lot more about me and my thinking and approach to life than it says about P. I have been guilty of judging (and almost sentencing) without hearing from the defence.

This is an opportunity for me to really examine my own thinking, my own behaviour (because it must reflect something of myself) and my own motives and manipulations. I have obviously a suspicious mind when it comes to personal affairs involving men. This is not the person I want to be. I always tend to give the benefit of the doubt except in these circumstances. I think I have had the experiences in the past that have hurt me due, at least in part, to my own ways of thinking and behaving. Time to change all that!

Wow, another learning opportunity given to me by the universe.

Thanks!

Humility

I have been humbled – in the beautiful and profound sense – by the wisdom of my fellow Aussie Guybrush57.

She left a comment that has totally blown me away. I’ll paste it in below to make it easier to refer to:

Sometimes, in dealings with men, I feel they know not what they do. Women generally look within themselves more and think, brood, invent scenaria … if left with too much time on their hands. Men would be surprised - maybe shocked - if they knew our thoughts on their offhand behaviour. I think we are better at playing games (therefore imagining men are playing them too), when probably men are just being men - busy with their work, play, etc., and compartmentalising their relationships into little boxes to be opened when they can spare the time. This is not to say men are not deep - but I do feel they operate on a different emotional bandwidth. Maybe P thinks it’s you who are not willing to commit? Sometimes we protest too much. You are travelling such an exciting journey, Zen … the possibilities are exquisite.

I just suddenly felt light and free after reading this. Like a load had been lifted from my mind. And I suddenly realised that the issue was all about ME, not about how anyone else was behaving. I think I’ve been blowing things out of all proportion.

P leads a very busy life. He has a very active social life where he is out many evening and weekends. He is also a very dedicated and committed teacher who takes his job seriously. One of the things I really like about him is that he is so passionate about what he does. He spends many hours in preparation and in marking. He teaches English in high school and reads voraciously to be able to keep up with his students. The term is nearly over at the moment and I know he has much marking to get done. His grown children also have recently moved back in with him as they attend University so he has an active family life too. He gets on so well with his kids and they enjoy spending time together.

He is getting on with his usual routine and his usual life. He would probably be horrified to know of all the thoughts that float around in my head based on how I perceive his behaviour.

Guybrush57’s timing was also impeccable as I’d remembered this morning that I have been trying so hard to learn to let go, go with the flow and surrender to life. I have been working to maintain an even balance emotionally and psychologically. Now, I have a test, a hurdle to overcome and have been stumbling around a fair bit. The universe looks down and says, “ok you say you are going to go with the flow – lets see if you can do that”, and throws a situation in your path that you cannot control. I must let go of this need to be in control. It is based on insecurity.

Let me learn to take each day as it comes. Let me learn to take each opportunity as it arises. Let me learn to accept things I cannot change. Let me learn to not judge another’s behaviour based on my own perceptions. Let me learn to love. Let me learn to be patient. Let me learn to let go and surrender to whatever will be.

I have been very judgemental in the last few days. Methinks I doth protest too much. Now I have been shown humility by the wisdom of others. I get so much from each and every person who comments here. I’m not sure how I survived before I joined this cyber-community. I am very grateful.

Namaste

Americans

As an Australian, I’ve never had much to do with Americans until recently. Obviously such a prominent culture has not gone unnoticed especially when it has such close connections with us. But apart from an exchange teacher at school when I was a child, I’d not really met many Americans, not even on my travels overseas.

That all changed when I went to India last year. I met a number of Americans - mostly men. One was a travel writer for a very prominent newspaper and we travelled together for a week or so. I got to see some fantastic sights at the expense of his newspaper Another was researching his PhD on the communities built up around the production of tea. Two others were volunteers at the same tea garden as me. I met quite a few others, often just for a day or so, as you do when travelling. Without exception I found them intelligent, articulate and interesting people.

On my return to Australia I became friendly with an American who lives here (the astrologer I mentioned in my previous post). And then of course, many of my newfound friends online are Americans too.

I have never been to the States before. Late last year, when I saw the email announcing a conference in Arizona I just ‘knew’ I had to attend. I’ve been receiving these emails for over ten years now but this is the first time I felt I should go.

I now have a sense that America, and Americans, are going to be significant in my life in some way. I believe I am going to work more closely with people from the US. I am only visiting for 10 days for the conference so won’t get to see much of this country. I’d love to visit the Rockies some time and the North East appeals to me for some reason - around the Connecticut area. I know very little about the country really. I’ve also always wanted to visit Canada - I have two uncles whom I’ve never met who live there with their families.

I’ve travelled in Europe, Asia and Australasia with a fleeting visit to Africa. But for the first time I will head over to the Americas. Another continent I can cross off my list as having visited.  One day I also want to visit the Andes… anywhere there are mountains - count me in!

Oh and by the way, I should add that “Graham Michael“ is also an American

Sunday evening

My Sunday turned out ok in the end. I met up with my friend at 4pm at a cafe. We sat outdoors as it was still warm enough to do that. We have very similar beliefs and outlook on life and have studied similar spiritual traditions. We speak the same language. She is a person of great integrity and has always been honest and open in her relationships. She is single but that is through choice rather than circumstances. I find her a very warm, wise and giving person. We talked a lot about integrity and behaving authentically.

Around 6.30pm I felt someone staring at us. I looked up and there was another friend of mine who I hadn’t seen for several months. He came and joined us and it was so lovely to see him. He also is a man I admire with great integrity and spirituality. He is one of the best astrologers in Australia (although he is an American). So the three of us sat there discussing astrology, Buddhist high tantra meditation and other esoteric subjects. I was in my element. I love talking to people about these things.

Another fabulous man told me recently that he saw my spirituality as the love of my life. This man is a clairvoyant (again originally an American) who now lives in Europe. I have spoken to him several times by phone. He is amazing. I love these kind of people. I like people who see the world in non-traditional, non-conservative ways. Especially if they have the good of mankind in mind. And I do believe that my spiritual and service practice are more important than my own petty, personal issues.

My astrologer friend mentioned that the energies have been really tough lately - especially over Easter. Partly it was the Aries full moon (energies are always more full on at this time with the Sun having direct access to the Earth) and partly the triggering of some recent eclipse points.

The afternoon and evening flew talking to these wonderful people. In just over three weeks time I will be in Phoenix, Arizona for a conference on these very topics. Ten days with a whole bunch of like-minded people from around the world. I may have mentioned before that this is all to do with the Ageless Wisdom teachings (also known as the Trans Himalayan Wisdom teachings) and the works of Alice Bailey. It is related to Theosophy for anyone who knows about that.

There is also a new project soon to be starting up here in Australia to do with passing on knowledge of this tradition. It will probably start with internet classes and a website and I have volunteered my services. I am very excited and looking forward to getting involved in a meaningful and worthwhile project. This is the sort of stuff I was born to do I think.  If only I can get my emotional/physical desire life under control. 

The warring factions

Oh boy this is hard work.

Maintaining integrity. Staying calm.

I wanted to sting this morning. Really badly. I wanted to send an email to P to show how little I care about not seeing him on the weekend. And of course it would have backfired really badly if I had done that. And of course it wouldn’t have been true either.

It is all a big test to see if I can maintain this equanimity and balance I’ve discovered recently. I waver. I have three factions warring in me right now

1. The “Fuck you” faction. This one is outraged that he is not responding to my last email and wants to tell him to go jump. “How dare you treat me like this?”
2. The “Play the game” faction. This side of me wants to take the initiative and go on the attack. The idea is to give the impression it was ME not contacting HIM over the weekend because I was too busy.
3. The “Lets have some integrity” faction. You know all about that one. I’m not sure exactly how that faction will proceed as it is quite new to me (sheepish grin).

Number 1 faction will not win because I am not strong enough yet to tell him to go take a jump. I still have my addiction to him to overcome (yeah, yeah, just one more hit and then I’ll quit…)

Number 2 faction is very powerful but I have quashed that coup d’état as it will only lead to more grief than I am prepared to take. And it will backfire because I suspect he can play the game much better than I can.

So that leaves Faction no. 3. I haven’t succumbed to the dark side just yet and there is still a chance for me to go forward into the light. The question is, does faction no. 3 contact him or wait for him to contact me? And what does faction no. 3 say when there is contact? Hey I will work it out.

This sounds like madness I am sure. And it sounds like P is a bastard (or I am a lunatic - or both ) But therein lies the real problem for me – he is actually a really decent, passionate, caring man – except he is damaged emotionally and can’t commit and instinctively plays games. In any area other than intimate relationships he is a gem of a man. Everyone admires and respects him (except possibly other women he’s been involved with).

So I see his good side so clearly. And we do get on so well. He doesn’t play games when he’s with me – he is decent and communicative and caring. It is in the intervening times that he drives me nuts. He would go weeks without contact sometimes and then we’d see each other in quick succession.

I know the answer don’t I? Discuss it with him in an open, non judgemental way. I have a strong feeling he will deny any game playing – he may not even be aware of it himself. But that is beside the point. I need to say my piece if we are to continue the friendship on any level at all.

Thanks guys, you’ve once again helped me work this through. Oh I do love journaling, it is so therapeutic…

A challenge

Ok the challenge is on. Enreal and I don’t like the words ‘blog’ or ‘blogging’ very much and want to come up with a better one to describe this beautiful space and this beautiful activity we are engaged in. Journalling is one suggestion. Any others? Some new word would be good. I love inventing new words.

Webbling? 

Calm

Calm again. What a relief

I really do make life difficult for myself sometimes.

When I write I can express myself quite clearly I believe. That is why I write so much. However, in person I am not quite so brave. I hate conflict. Really hate it. More than is normal. I will go a long way to avoid it. Which means I am not always honest and open or express my needs. Deep down I am terrified people will leave me if I tell the truth of how I am feeling.

This is a serious issue.

I have been told several times, by various people, that I need to express myself more openly. Not hold back. To push myself to speak when I feel uncomfortable about doing so. This terrifies me. But here’s the thing, people leave me anyway. So why don’t I just speak out (in a loving way)? This is a tough lesson but one I need to learn. I can be very outspoken about other’s needs and about injustice but only when I’m not involved personally.

Despite all this, I do consider myself a person of integrity. It is not that I am dishonest so much as I sometimes withhold the truth. For fear of upsetting someone else. But sometimes they need to hear what I have to say and perhaps be upset by it, and it is not up to me to make that decision on their behalf.

I’ve been thinking a lot since my last post earlier on. I have aligned with my soul (to the extent I can) and asked for guidance. The thing I’ve realised is that it doesn’t matter where P or S or anyone else is coming from or if they are playing games or not. What matters is my own integrity and the way I behave. I need to be honest and authentic in my interactions, coming from a place of love as far as I am able to. If that leaves me vulnerable to being hurt then so be it. I will learn through this and then start to attract others in my life who can act in the same way. This applies mostly to the men in my life.

What have I got to lose? If they can’t handle it then they will go. But then they would go anyway, maybe just a bit later on. I have reached a point in my life now where to play games or act without integrity hurts me deeply. I just cannot do it anymore. But that is not enough. That is just an absence of something. I need to replace it with something more positive and healthy. I need to be proactive with this and not passive. If that gives the other person one up on me (as one of my friends is concerned about) then that is how it will be. But then I will begin to see that person for who they are and can then choose more consciously to stick around or go. I still find that difficult to do.

I know there is a balance in all this. The key is to come from a place of love and integrity with the best interests of all in mind. I have to become this person I aspire to be. Act it not just think it. Not just say it. Be it. It will be extremely difficult for me to do this. All my conditioning and experience mitigates against it. But little by little, hopefully I will get there.