So what happens next?
I am learning more about myself again. I am understanding more about what makes me tick. This is a good thing. I like to understand.
Do you believe we have to make sacrifices in our lives? I certainly do. Yet we are never taught that growing up. We live in a society that is told we can have it all if we put in the effort.
We can’t. Nor should we expect to. Western culture is very much about achievement and striving for material success. Well, that is how I see it.
But there is more to life than material success.
I really don’t know what I’m trying to say tonight. The thoughts that usually flow once I start writing are stuck.
Somehow I have a sense that I am not going to get what I want in life – because I want things that I see others have – such as a fulfilling relationship.
I sometimes feel that a romantic relationship is one thing I have to sacrifice this time round. They are so elusive and problematic for me. Always. It is something I’ve never learnt to do properly – but I feel I’ve never been given a chance to learn. The problems always start immediately – no good times for me. Always straight into the pain and heartbreak. Must be my karma. Bad relationship karma.
So I wonder if they don’t work because I’m not meant to have one? Is there some reason I’m being asked to forego that in my life?
I am confused. I have a need for answers to things. For order and meaning. Then I can adjust. Once I know why I can get on with my life.
Z,
Once again, here we are. I’m not sure how either of us reached this place or got to be on this road, but its sure good to know I have a fellow traveler, someone that “gets” it.
I know I don’t have to say it, but I understand, more lately than usual. Maybe someday, we’ll both be surprised.
D
In my own (rather limited experience), romance isn’t something you can chase. The more you search for it, the less you’ll find (and when you do find, it often turns to be not what you were looking for). It’s something that has to come to you, and it usually decides to arrive when you aren’t even thinking about it…
I really doubt you aren’t meant to have a relationship in your life ever, but perhaps you are meant to focus on things for the time being?
As for meaning and order, they are also a lot like romance, or perhaps like the horizen: however much you chase after them, they always appear to be just ahead of you
In any case Zenuria, you seem to be a wonderful person and even though I don’t know except for this blog I’m pretty confident you’ll find somebody who is perfect for you one day, and I hope that comes sooner rather than later for you….
D, we are not alone … never alone. Having someone who understands is wonderful.
Baekho, how sweet are you? You brought a little tear to my eye
I agree 100% with what you say. Funny thing is I’ve never been one to chase romance but it has been a real focus since I returned from India. But now I know I just have to release it and let it go. I do sense that I have to go it alone for a while but that is for my development not as a punishment. I have other things to work on that are really far more important to me! But thankyou so much for your beautiful comments.
I had written up a response to this; and I’m kind of glad I lost it. (I’ll read your other replies after I reply.) In light of your magician posts above, watch nature. When nature agrees then you’ve found the love of your life. (That’s how it worked for me.) I think there is a direct connection between the two. I’d describe it – but that’s tedious. Instead I’ll just shoot up the suggestion.
It seems to me Zenuria you have made many relationships even though it may not be the relationships you are looking for they are relationships to be treasured.
I know I treasure this relationship.
We definitely are social beings.
I do not believe it is bad karma just patience.
You have a beautiful heart and soul.
Many see this as well.
The journey may seem long and lonely sometimes however you are never alone
we are all here sharing love.
love and lights shine on you
Aullori, your comment intrigues me… please tell me more! I would not find it tedious at all.
99ppp, I am blessed with many relationships and much love, all of which I treasure
Sometimes I need to remind myself that love is too huge, expansive and wonderful to just be expressed through a personal, romantic relationship. I rail sometimes, against modern, western society that seems to brainwash us that romantic partnership is something to aim for and is the province of all. History, and other cultures, show that there has always been a section of society that lives without that kind of love in their lives – the nuns/monks, medicine healers, shamans, mystics, magicians… even the maiden aunt stereotype 
It has always been this way and yet these days we seem to expect it all. It is not the path for everyone.
Okay. We’ll in my case (and since your so connected to nature it may be the case for you too) I didn’t meet hubby until I was 33 and many failed relationships were before this. Odd things happened with Joe tho. (no kidding and no lie) one night while we were talking as friends I saw a meteor fall behind his head and hit the ground. He never heard a thing. (a shooting star garner that?) One day he ran to me and talked endlessly about a sunset he saw and he described it in vivid detail. I had sat on a stump earlier that day and watched the same one – thinking of him. Later he admitted he was thinking of me. What else? There were so many things. When ever a snow storm hit I would wait until nightfall and walk in it ever since I was a little girl – that is my favorite act of nature. On our first date the snow began to fall and we took a long walk in it – and it was utterly perfect as if the stage was set for us. Another night (honest and truly) he gave me directions to come to his house and he lived in a rural area. I couldn’t follow them at all. But I drove in the general direction. I got lost – until I saw what I consider my totem, which is a bird. So I followed the macaw – just on a whim. He took me about five miles away until suddenly I understood the directions again – and suddenly reconised a street sign he mentioned. A lot of it is gut instinct – and when I tell hubby these things he laughs at me and calls it all coincidence. it may be. But we’re here now and I’ve had a lot of failed relationships before him. In my case I consider him my soul mate when I’ve never believed in them before. Once he was talking about breaking up (way early) and I just began to laugh. He said “what?” and I said, “nope we’ll be together for the rest of our lives.” He said, “prove it!” And so far I have.
Now he marvels at how “easy” it is to be married to me. So I just think your connection to nature will tell you. Meanwhile, getting connected to nature is a beautiful path full of relaxation. It felt like I asked and it answered. I hope all of this makes sense (even still it’s hard for me to believe.)
Aullori, thankyou. I love that sort of story – it is wonderful
The man I fell in love with last year was as connected to nature as I am – that is why I thought ‘this is the one’! Most of our time together was spent out doors somewhere beautiful (even when we broke up we had a beautiful day in a supremely beautiful spot by the sea). We both loved the same sort of weather and scenery (both loved the cold and mountains and wild weather; both had a love affair going with gum trees).
But I don’t think there were the signs that you had from nature. There were signs but not in that sense. I think I will wait and look for those sorts of indications from the natural world that you describe. I love miracles, I love the unexplainable (should that be inexplicable?). Coincidence? I don’t think so – I live in a world full of “coincidences” – I think it is more about being attuned.
Thankyou so much for this story. And I loved your totem turning up to guide you! Someone was just talking to me about medicine animals on Friday and I’ve never determined which animals I belong to – I think that is something for me to explore.
we also saw (together) the northern lights in an area where it’s something like 400 miles from Alaska and rarely are they ever seen there. For the totem, I had no guidence. I “prayed” and just asked. I waited while I was alone in nature. Then a flock of macaws came up the hillside. (They don’t flock) I said, “cool got it and thank you!” Got up and believed it. Since then they have taken me to many places to take photographs and etc.. (funny tho; I’ve never captured one on film and probably never will.)
Aullori, I am showing my ignorance here but I didn’t think you’d get macaws up your way. I think of them as tropical.
I would so love to see the northern lights. One time when I was on the Isle of Skye in Scotland many years ago, I left the curtains open and tried to stay awake in case they should shine. They didn’t but it is an ambition of mine to one day see them. We have the Aurora Australis down here but not as far north as Adelaide (ironic given it is South Australia!).
I shall meditate on my totem. I am very connected to the magpies around here – I wonder if they could be my totem. I feel sure they are trying to speak to me and the way they look at me as I walk past… a sort of knowing.