Oh boy this is hard work.
Maintaining integrity. Staying calm.
I wanted to sting this morning. Really badly. I wanted to send an email to P to show how little I care about not seeing him on the weekend. And of course it would have backfired really badly if I had done that. And of course it wouldn’t have been true either.
It is all a big test to see if I can maintain this equanimity and balance I’ve discovered recently. I waver. I have three factions warring in me right now
- The “Fuck you” faction. This one is outraged that he is not responding to my last email and wants to tell him to go jump. “How dare you treat me like this?”
- The “Play the game” faction. This side of me wants to take the initiative and go on the attack. The idea is to give the impression it was ME not contacting HIM over the weekend because I was too busy.
- The “Lets have some integrity” faction. You know all about that one. I’m not sure exactly how that faction will proceed as it is quite new to me (sheepish grin).
Number 1 faction will not win because I am not strong enough yet to tell him to go take a jump. I still have my addiction to him to overcome (yeah, yeah, just one more hit and then I’ll quit…)
Number 2 faction is very powerful but I have quashed that coup d’état as it will only lead to more grief than I am prepared to take. And it will backfire because I suspect he can play the game much better than I can.
So that leaves Faction no. 3. I haven’t succumbed to the dark side just yet and there is still a chance for me to go forward into the light. The question is, does faction no. 3 contact him or wait for him to contact me? And what does faction no. 3 say when there is contact? Hey I will work it out.
This sounds like madness I am sure. And it sounds like P is a bastard (or I am a lunatic – or both 
) But therein lies the real problem for me – he is actually a really decent, passionate, caring man – except he is damaged emotionally and can’t commit and instinctively plays games. In any area other than intimate relationships he is a gem of a man. Everyone admires and respects him (except possibly other women he’s been involved with).
So I see his good side so clearly. And we do get on so well. He doesn’t play games when he’s with me – he is decent and communicative and caring. It is in the intervening times that he drives me nuts. He would go weeks without contact sometimes and then we’d see each other in quick succession.
I know the answer don’t I? Discuss it with him in an open, non judgemental way. I have a strong feeling he will deny any game playing – he may not even be aware of it himself. But that is beside the point. I need to say my piece if we are to continue the friendship on any level at all.
Thanks guys, you’ve once again helped me work this through. Oh I do love journaling, it is so therapeutic…
My utter favorite thing about your posts is you wander into a situation – consider deeply your options, decide what is best for you and then bang do it. Amazing. Good luck with this. I completely get the dark side argument (ahh don’t we all have a bit of that in us?) Hopefully he’ll appreciate you being honest and if not… that’s okay too. Sometimes it’s difficult for us to appreciate honesty because it so rarely shows it’s face! Blessings!
Sometimes, in dealings with men, I feel they know not what they do. Women generally look within themselves more and think, brood, invent scenaria … if left with too much time on their hands. Men would be surprised – maybe shocked – if they knew our thoughts on their offhand behaviour. I think we are better at playing games (therefore imagining men are playing them too), when probably men are just being men – busy with their work, play, etc., and compartmentalising their relationships into little boxes to be opened when they can spare the time. This is not to say men are not deep – but I do feel they operate on a different emotional bandwidth. Maybe P thinks it’s you who are not willing to commit? Sometimes we protest too much. You are travelling such an exciting journey, Zen … the possibilities are exquisite.
Aullori, honesty is the best way to go even if others can’t take it. I am glad you can relate to the struggles I go through
Guybrush57, oh you are so wise!! I think I agree with you – we tie ourselves in knots sometimes imagining they think and behave the way we do. You have really made me pause and go aha! And the only way through this minefield is to talk about it isn’t it? Without getting too deep and heavy (my past experience with men suggests they aren’t all that interested in getting too deep into things and I don’t mean that in a negative way at all). I know I love to wallow in my emotions and imagined slights and do perhaps blow it out of all proportion. Thanks, thanks and thanks again – what you have said makes so much sense and relieves my mind greatly
P does lead a very busy social and work life so of course he’s not thinking of me all the time (even if I’m thinking of him a lot of the time
) I know men are more into compartmentalising.
Oh a whole new world has opened up and I’m going to try to change my outlook on these things.
“I know men are more into compartmentalising.” P.s. My hubby swears this is true!
Bless you, Zen – I’m so glad you knew what I was trying to say. I’m married to a teacher – it’s a time-consuming occupation. Early in our relationship (30 years ago) when we lived in different towns, I’d write multitudinous letters and stress when he didn’t reply immediately. It wasn’t until I visited and saw ‘his life’ I realised how tied up he was with lesson preparation, timetables, coaching sporting teams, etc., and saw how much time I was spending brooding and thinking whilst he was exhausted by the time he crawled into bed after a long, stressful day. It put things into perspective. The universe will ultimately deliver what is right for you and P. (In its own time, of course.) Live in the moment.
Aullori,
how I wish I could get inside their minds sometimes to see how they work. It would be such foreign territory for us wouldn’t it?
Guybrush57, I believe I have a lot to learn about men
And I look forward to the classes!!!! Yes what will be will be – I have always said that about my relationship with P – for so long I thought it would never happen and then it did and then it ended and now…
… and now, it’s a whole new world for you to explore! Enjoy every minute with a light heart and open mind. Bless.