The blooming of the rose

Almost three weeks ago I posted about the rose - an ongoing theme and symbol in my relationship with P. At that time I explained the various manifestations of the rose and rose bush and how it seemed to chart our relationship. Back then the rose bush he gave me was healthy but with no blooms in sight and I wondered if it would ever bloom again. It really does seem to symbolise the developments.

Since that post P and I have become lovers. And now the rose bush has bloomed again. The bud was there on Sunday and P saw it and now it is in its full glory. I wish I could post the scent as well - it is glorious.

I am very happy at the moment. I fell in love with P last year and went through a tough time when we decided not to pursue a relationship but to just stay as friends. I plunged for a while into a very sorrowful place. I learnt a lot from that experience and eventually turned to my spirituality for aide. When P and I met up again after a 4 month break and decided to pursue the sexual angle I thought it would just be a physical and mental connection we shared.

Last Sunday was beautiful. It was very emotional as well as physical. Tender and passionate and intense. Somehow we seem to have worked something out without too many words. Last year I wouldn’t have been happy with this turn of events - I wanted a full relationship with him. I let go of that, difficult as it was, and I let go of him. He came back. And circumstances changed and I find now we are probably having the relationship we were always really meant to have.

Just because you have a deep connection with someone doesn’t mean you need to follow the ‘conventional’ path of becoming a couple. I was always very drawn to the relationship between Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. I thought that was ideal, it appealed to me immensely. They shared a deep bond but didn’t feel restricted to a normal life together as a couple.

Amazingly, I find that the idea of not seeing P often or regularly is quite ok. I imagine we’ll manage to meet up perhaps once or twice a month (judging by our past history and our busy lifestyles). But when we do, all our attention is focussed on each other. I have always felt we are two of a kind and it seems we are in agreement even in our unconventional approach towards seeing each other. I thought I’d be a bit more possessive and, well, needy. But there is real power in letting something go and releasing all expectations. Sometimes what comes back to you is better than what you let go of.

I could never have anticipated things turning out this way. I don’t know where this will go or for how long. I am learning to have no expectations and am discovering how liberating it is to live in this way. Just accept what is, appreciate it and be grateful for it. Live as if this is all you’ll ever have, and you appreciate just how wonderful what you have is.

I feel totally fulfilled and happy and very grateful to the universe for giving me such wonderful gifts of understanding. And the blooming of the rose seems to symbolise, yet again, that all is as it should be with P and myself.