It is still Saturday – now around 6pm. It is getting dark outside and I can see a crescent moon from my study window. The trees are silhouettes against a denim coloured sky.
This morning I was maudlin. Now I am tired and weary but it is the righteous tiredness of one who has worked hard. I climbed ladders to clean my windows as I could hardly see through them. I planted a camellia, a rock rose and a salvia in my garden. I repotted two impatiens and an umbrella plant. I staked up my weeping eucalypt as it was weeping a bit too much. I collected all my rocks from around the world and placed them in front of the Buddha in my front garden – in a sort of rock mandala. I went to the shop for an extension cord and bought some organic produce from a local weekend market. I finished unpacking, finished washing clothes and washed the dishes that had been piling up since my return (in my laziness I’d left them).
Ok the hedges and the tree are still to be taken care of. I am wondering about hiring a chainsaw tomorrow to cut up the tree myself. I have a hedge trimmer on order and that will take a couple of weeks to arrive so the hedge will have to wait a bit longer. My hedges are huge and so I need a special implement that will extend and bend 90 degrees.
So now I feel quite content. I am meeting my friend for dinner in half an hour. My back aches but it is a pleasant feeling from doing manual work. For a lot of the afternoon I still felt the lack of someone around to help out and share these tasks with me. But I am over that now. I am back to just feeling blessed to have what I do have in my life. As always this was a little low spot on the roller coaster ride of life. I’m back to the even keel now.
Everything happens for a reason and we manifest our own circumstances. If I am alone then it is for reasons of my own making. It may not be what I feel I want but perhaps it is what I need. I’m not sure why exactly – I am self reliant and independent and always have been – I don’t need to learn to stand on my own two feet – in fact I feel what I really need to learn is to be interdependent with someone else and not be such an isolationist. Still time will tell…
I go back and forth with this one….being alone, loving my solitude and gaining power from being independent; and wanting so badly to be interdependent, or should I say, allowing myself to surrender in it…because this time I really, really feel I can.
Rosa, hi, welcome to my blog. It is very hard for me to decide what I really want – I vacillate so much that the universe can’t really keep up with me
But I do really believe it is time for me to “surrender” to interdependence, and like you I feel the time is right now.
Thank you for visiting. I am reading your blog now and I like what I see.