9am Saturday morning. I arrived home from the States on Wednesday morning. I have adjusted well with my body time clock and don’t seem to be suffering any jetlag at all.
But something is at work in my psyche and it is uncomfortable. My solar plexus is flaring up and I feel again unsettled. The whole ‘being alone’ concept has flared up again for me – especially this morning when I woke.
Maybe it is just that I need to get back to work, back into a routine. I’ve had two days since I got home where I’m not doing anything social although I have spoken to people on the phone. I’m having dinner with my best friend tonight. Somehow, suddenly, I feel alone and a bit bereft again.
I really enjoy what I have going with P. It works for both of us. But this morning I realise that it is not enough for me – ultimately I do want a partner who is there on a day to day basis. I do want a man who is committed to me, and I to him. This doesn’t necessarily mean living together or spending all our spare time together. I don’t mind an unconventional relationship – in fact that is probably what I am really looking for if I am honest with myself. When I say I want someone who is there on a day to day basis I mean that in the sense of ‘knowing’ they are in my heart and I am in theirs, daily. Text messages, emails, phone calls perhaps would help. It doesn’t need to be daily physical contact.
I’m still not sure if I could live with someone full-time. I guess it would be worth giving it a try at some stage. It is not the physical presence that I feel I need so much as the emotional presence and connection. There are many ways to communicate and keep in touch these days. Of course there are definite benefits to coming together physically – for sex, for hugs, for kisses and for holding hands. How nice to have someone to help out with the weeding or putting out the rubbish sometimes.
I am at a dangerous place right now I’ve realised. I need to walk the fine line with P between enjoying what we have and acknowledging its rightful place in my life, whilst being careful not to fall in love with him again and start expecting more. I also need to keep myself open to meeting somebody else who can give me what I need and want in a relationship.
You see, with P, there are strong feelings on both sides and our coming together is beautiful on every level. I have no desire to live with him, to see him every day or to be more a part of his life. But I do find I spend a lot of time thinking about him and wanting more contact via email or text or phone. Perhaps it has flared up again at the moment because I am in that limbo between holiday and work. When I am in the thick of things at work I don’t think of him so much. When I was in Arizona I did think of him sometimes but I had plenty of other things going on to occupy my attention. Here I am with four days in between and my thoughts turn naturally to him. I’d like to see him – it is nearly a month now since our last encounter.
I am not in love with him anymore but I do love him. As I love many people. I can’t afford to fall in love with him again for I believe I’ll get badly hurt. I know I am still open to others because I was certainly taking an interest in some of the men in Arizona! If I was truly in love with P I probably wouldn’t have noticed them – but I did 
There were actually three men at the conference that I found extremely attractive in one way or the other. This pleased me – I feel I am still ‘available’. The last thing I want is to energetically turn away a potential partner because of my involvement with P. It is a balancing act as I said before. Some people say I should give up P and keep myself completely available for someone else who will commit to me. Maybe… but I am not ready to do that. I get such pleasure and enjoyment from being with P and to be honest I feel I’ve earnt some fun in my life. I’ve lived quite a serious and staid life without much emotional sustenance – love and sex. I feel it is finally my turn to have some fun. I was celibate for seven long years, and they were not happy years either.
I do feel very connected and bonded with P. That will be hard to give up I know. But at some stage I will have to. I don’t think he and I are destined to be partners. Neither of our families knows about our involvement – so it is clandestine in that sense. We are both single and free so we are not hurting or cheating anyone with our involvement. But he will likely never be ready to take a further step with me. It is a bizarre experience to feel so connected to someone but to know they are not the right one to share the rest of my life with. P and I are kindred spirits – two of a kind – with a deep longing for freedom and unconventionality whilst both being utter, total, soppy romantics underneath. I think we both really long for total merging and communion with another and yet are both totally terrified of it at the same time. Can you merge with another and yet remain free?
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