In my last post I said I was happy.
I still am, overall. I find my emotions and thoughts do sometimes stray down not so positive paths, but somehow I come back to my centre more and more quickly these days. And the good thing is this isn’t so dependent on external factors – although these do have an effect.
Today, out of the blue, I sounded off at work in a meeting. I didn’t intend to, didn’t know that irritation was building up in me even, until in this meeting I spoke out. I said my piece, and then let it go. No grudge held or brooding over the issue for hours afterwards – something I would have done in the past. This was even though I didn’t get the outcome I would have liked (but then I didn’t expect to and that was partly why I felt I had to put my point of view across).
The rest of the afternoon I was fine. I have been very productive at work this week – even with the boring work that is my usual routine I have just knuckled down and got it done.
And the other area of my life that was a slight niggle was P. We were arranging to meet up – first time since my Arizona trip – and he was taking an inordinately long time to get back to me to confirm arrangements. This is something that would have driven me mad in the past. But this time? The odd little twinge hit me, but overall I was fine. I knew I’d see him when the time was right and I let go of expecting to see him on a particular day. I realised it didn’t matter. What is time after all?
I don’t quite recognise this new me sometimes. But I like it. I put it down very definitely to my daily spiritual practice. The meditation in particular. I’m learning to let go of the little things and flow with life. Accept what I cannot change; change what I can. And there is little I can really change except within myself and my attitudes. And that is what I am working on, constantly. I feel I contact my soul a little bit more every day and it is starting to have a presence in my daily life. Sure I still get emotional, moody, crochety, irritable – but I seem to be able to let it go much more easily these days. Perhaps it is an age thing too – the wisdom of years.
So I am left, in general, feeling good. My life seems to be where it should be. I might aspire to more, but at the same time I am happy to accept where I am at and what is in my life now. I am still aiming for emotional tranquillity and a still mind as a normal state of being. It has taken a year of daily meditation and discipline but it is paying off. Perseverance seems to be the key.
Oh and yes, I have heard back from P now – and he is coming around tomorrow evening. That of course, makes me feel really good, but at the same time I was ok even before he confirmed. I knew things would work out in their own good time.
I am realising now that life still has its ups and downs. It always will. The secret is in how we react and respond to those ups and downs. Detachment is something I am working toward. Detachment from outcomes and the ability to just flow with whatever happens. It is hard. But I finally feel I am, ever so slowly, getting there. My times of greatest joy are those when I am involved in spiritual practice. It feeds and nourishes me. Now I want to find ways to give this joy back out to the world in some form of service. This is, definitely, my next step. And I am finding it is more important to me than my own personal desires.
Namaste
Zen
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