I am very aware that we attract people into our lives who mirror our issues.
I have a man in my life who is not going to commit to me.
And of course that mirrors my own deep issues and fears. I am terrified to commit to anyone myself.
Non commitment is my pattern. It is not just reflected in relationships but in work too. I often am in a job but not committed to it.
Now, for the first time, I am committed to something – my daily disciplines of walking and meditating. Even after a wonderful time with P last night, I still meditated before turning in. Didn’t matter that I was very sleepy or that I’d had several glasses of wine. I’ve not missed a day since January, and have done pretty much every day for a year now. But the real commitment kicked in late January. Even with the long flights to and from Arizona, I still meditated on the plane or in the airport. With time differences I might have screwed up a day or so here and there but the intention was always there.
The only other commitment I’ve made was to my beautiful canine friend, Shadow. I was totally committed to her and her wellbeing for the eleven years she was in my life.
So I can do it. I can commit. So perhaps I can get to the stage where I can commit to a man for life.
But do I really want to…?
Wow, what a statement. I find myself in similar boat.
Hi Izimbali, I think more of us do than we might realise.
Thank you for your visit and your comment. Do you have a blog? I’d love to visit.
If you and P are both happy not committing totally … it’s a win/win. You are wise to seize the moments and be happy in them. Maybe P senses you are not putting your guard fully down? It’s funny, because my husband (who thought himself a free spirit) and I spent ages trying to convince eachother we didn’t want a commitment (methinks we both protesteth too much) – then he asked me to marry him! Life is full of surprises …
Guybrush57, I love hearing these snippets of the story of how you and your husband got together.
My problem is really that I vacillate between wanting freedom and wanting to try a commitment. I really believe I want a commitment, but then deep down I have a sense that I’d actually run a mile if it presented itself. I don’t know. But obviously, something in me pushes it away.
But I also don’t want to neccessarily live in the same house, share the same bed with a partner either. I’m not all that interested in the whole family, friends, social routine with a partner either. I think what I really want is to spend quality one on one time with him and then do our own thing. Which is what P and I do now.
But still something niggles away saying it wants more…
Its a tricky one!
Thinking on it some more… I do believe P and I mirror each other exactly in this. I think there is a side to him that probably wants to commit as well; but the fear overrides that as it does for me. I can’t imagine why he came back into my life if he didn’t have some strong feelings for me. I can tell, I can sense them, even if the words aren’t spoken. Sometimes words tell you nothing anyway. He is an incredible romantic too, who believes in love at first sight and the ‘perfect partner’ whatever that may be. Of course no such thing exists.
He has done the commitment thing though. He was married for 10 years and then his wife ran off with another man leaving him with two small children. I think that devastated him (ok that was over 15 years ago now but the scars are still there). So I don’t think he can let his guard down fully either, even if he really wants to on some level. One thing I’ve noticed – even though he and his exwife are on good terms (they had to be for the co-raising of the children) he never, ever refers to her by her name. It is always “my ex” or “my kids’ mother” etc. Since the divorce he’s had other relationships but none of them involved a commitment – they were always on again off again sorts of affairs. Much as mine have been. Oh we really are two of a kind! I wonder can either of us break through our barriers and move on to something more, either together or with somebody new?
It certainly is a tricky one, zen! The good part is, you and P are obviously enjoying eachother at the moment. Who knows what the future will bring? I think as we get older we DO get set in our ways and like our environment just so. The HG and I are so used to eachother our annoying little habits are just part of the furniture … but if I had to start again, I’m not sure I’d be happy sharing my space with a new person who’d need ‘training’!
Guybrush57, you make me smile every time
We do get set in our ways and we do build up lives that protect us. We learn to get our needs met in all sorts of different ways – not necessarily through a significant other. Then when such a person comes along we are not always open to rearranging our lives for them. There is comfort and security in routine and settled patterns – even if the passion of living is not always to be found in them.
Its all about taking a risk – and so often those risks end in heartbreak. Sometimes we reach a point where, to quote a Del Amitri song that I always liked:
They say it is better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all
But when you count up the cost of all those losses
There’s no profit at all
That song always made perfect sense to me… but I don’t think it is actually true anymore. Those losses all teach us something and make us a better person – if we are open to the lessons. I can’t control what P or anyone else decides. But I know I need to keep working on myself – I need to at least try a committed relationship at some point – if it doesn’t work out then at least I’ll have more information. But never having tried it? Well I can’t judge which way is best for me to go can I?
I have a good friend who is in her mid 50s. She has never married and is currently single. She has had many lovers and has lived with two men over the years. She knows, from experience, that the committed relationship is not really for her. (although she wisely still doesn’t rule it out totally). But she is happy with her life as it is. That is all I wish – to reach a place of having experienced both sides so as to make an informed decision rather than always wondering….
Your friend IS wise, zen – she obviously knows herself well and is comfortable and secure enough to know what is right for her. That is a wonderful state to be in. All we can do is be true to ourselves. When/if P decides he wants a commitment, you will have to decide whether you can let go of the trapeze with both hands, take a huge leap of faith and be willing to let things unfold and blossom. Like you, I believe all the losses and all the experiences make us what we are – but sometimes I think we secretly hanker for being something else, and taking the chance is the frightening part …
Guybrush57, I would really love for the chance to come along so I could take that risk… alas at this point in time I don’t seem to be able to attract it. I’m not sure how to change that… you are right though, it is something I do hanker for. I want to at least try it so I know. And I can imagine immense growth for me coming through that risk…
Suddenly I am scared. Am I stuck in the same pattern with P as I have been with other men in the past? Will I not attract the commitment until I let him go? I am not ready to do that yet. For now I have to see where this leads us. Am I sabotaging myself? I do feel strongly about him. But I also can’t throw away many years on him if this is all we’ll ever have.
Oh you have caught me in an honest moment with my defenses down
And that is a good thing!!!
It would be good to leave your defenses down for a while, zen, and see what happens. My lovely brother-in-law died last month, very suddenly – he was only 52. We have so little time in the scheme of things and it’s worth putting ourselves out there. One of my daughters throws herself out of planes – I won’t ever be doing that, but I think we owe it to ourselves to step off the edge sometimes. You will have to search your heart for whether you feel strongly enough about P to jump. Maybe he also needs to drop his defenses? Maybe it’s better to let things flow without any analysis? What a dilemma … but a nice one.
Oh I am so sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. You have my sympathy. It gives me pause to hear these things, after all P is 50 himself… wow seeing that written down makes me realise how time is passing… I am 45 myself but don’t think of myself as that age at all – to be involved with a 50 year old – well you’d think we’d know by our ages what we want wouldn’t you?
My defenses are way down at the moment. Its all I can do; I can’t make P drop his. And some heart searching may be called for. But most of all I prefer the suggestion to let things flow without analysis. If I just keep focussed on what I can give to the world rather than the other way round perhaps it will all work out as it should. At the end of the day analysis gets me nowhere and makes me miserable. I try not to do it so much anymore. Trust and faith in the rightness of the universe… and believing that we do all get what we need and deserve… that is where I need to focus my attention.
Thankyou Guybrush, I get so much from your words. I’m so glad you are here
Thank YOU, zen. Trust and faith are good. I, too, try not to analyse so much these days (I’m a Virgo, so it’s hard!) If you ‘go with the flow’, maybe P will, too. He’ll catch the vibe from you. I really hope this works out the best way it possibly can. I turned 50 last year, and it’s frightening to think of half a century having passed with me on the earth. Woo. Makes me think I’d really better get cracking and DO something …
Guybrush57, you must be P’s twin – he is a Virgo who turned 50 last year too! Wonder if it is the same day – he is Sep 20. No wonder I like you
I’m having a bit of a crisis today but I think it is actually a good thing. Although going through it at work is very awkward indeed. Suddenly I feel everything has cracked wide open and I don’t know anything anymore…
How weird … I’m September 23.
It’s a very liberating feeling when it seems everything has cracked wide open – it enables you to see with amazing clarity. I’m sure you DO know lots and lots of things, and it sounds as if you are close to enlightenment. Don’t fight it! Pity you couldn’t have had a day off work to lie in a daisy field and look up at the sky …
You are just about twins!!! Only three days apart. A man I used to love was also Sep 23 but a different year. (I like Virgos – probably because I am also an Earth sign – Capricorn).
Trying not to fight
That is where pain comes in and I’ve had enough of that in my life (all self inflicted so no violins necessary).
Ah that daisy field beckons…
Ah, I have a Capricorn daughter – January 10! It’s a lovely sign to be born under. (Capricious?)
(If you can’t manage the daisy field, it’s lovely out on the back lawn at night under the stars …)
I’m January 19th. Last day of Capricorn just as you are the last day of Virgo. That means our suns are trine each other. I feel sure we would get on really well
We already do…
Much as I’d love the lawn and stars, the drought has finally broken here in Adelaide… But it is something I love to do and will keep in mind