Why do I suddenly feel so scared and vulnerable?
This is not a bad feeling really – it is more a moment where I feel I am being honest with myself. It isn’t that I try to fool myself as a general rule, but I do swing in my views and thoughts. And I might focus more on that side of things that makes me feel comfortable and protected.
It is the commitment issue. It is P. I am truly being honest in saying I am happy with what we have right now. I am happy with being a free, independent spirit.
But…
I also yearn for that interdependence and that deep intimacy that comes with a loving commitment to another. A mutual commitment. I want to try it. I never have. But how do I attract that? What do I need to change in order to bring that into my life?
I am so scared that I might have to let go of P. I can’t do that just yet. I dare say it will happen naturally with time. We’ll either move onto something more or we’ll split. I don’t tend to think ahead on it too much but if I had to place a bet at this stage… well I don’t like our chances. If he said tomorrow he wanted a commitment I would go for it. I know I would. I would at least give it a try. That is, after all, the point we originally got to last September. He was the one who pulled away first, and then I did too. I have no reason to believe he’ll ever get back to that commitment point. I can’t expect it at any rate.
According to my astrology I have a compelling need to delve deeply to the depths of my emotions and communicate them and be accepted for them (Moon in Scorpio in the third house). Blogging has met this need to a large extent. But it is also why I stay anonymous on here. Very few people know where to find me online even if they know I have a blog. Only a very few people know who I really am. I could not write like this if people I knew were reading (other than a few trusted friends whom I speak to in this way anyway).
I have always felt something dark and nasty lurking in my psyche. I don’t like to let it be seen. I long to be accepted for who I am in totality. But I always feel I can’t take the risk of letting someone really see the true me for they may well be repelled. But I can’t be with someone if I have to pretend or hide parts of who I am. And so I stay aloof and separate, whilst I long for closeness, intimacy and truth. I want to find him, the one with whom I can truly be myself, and be accepted and loved regardless.
I want so much for that person to be P. I feel so connected to him and I would like to explore going deeper. But it takes two. He really is the most wonderful man I’ve ever known, but I also do not believe there is only one person for each of us out there. There are other wonderful men too. I haven’t shown P my greatest depths (hell I hardly show them to myself!). And with this arrangement I can’t risk that. Can I?
I don’t lie when I say I like my independence. I don’t lie when I say I have no expectations. I don’t lie when I say I like living alone. I don’t lie when I say I would like an unconventional relationship. I don’t lie when I say I want my freedom too. I want both. I want all those things AND a commitment with someone. It might be different from the ‘norm’ but I don’t care.
I’m sure people will say I just need to be honest with P about what I want. Can you see that at this point I can’t take that risk even though it will come to it eventually? I can’t finish this before its really begun. Because there is learning here for both of us. It doesn’t mean happy ever afters or commitment between us. But in some bizarre way, for now at least, we NEED each other – although I doubt he’d see it that way.
I believe I’m in this deeper than he is. I believe my feelings are stronger than his. I believe we could be happy together in our own, eccentric way. Or if not with him, with somebody similar. How do I get to that point? Can anyone help me?
I am scared and vulnerable. I feel wide open at this moment. Open to good but also open to disappointment, rejection, sorrow. Such is life… I still prefer this to being shut down to protect myself.
Holding on to things which are mutually exclusive is not the way to bring this around.
In the end you’re going to have to figure out a compromise where one is more important than the other – the dependency of two deeply committed folk or the independence of one. Every time I’ve seen someone turn up and say that their independence was the most important thing bartered it for one they wanted – taking that perilous chance… Of course this either means that P. is not the one [and you already know it] or that you buck the trend [which has it's own rewards in the land of Ego - Hey! I buck trends! (even if you only show that to yourself)]…
In another way you seem to look around Outside of Yourself and I’m not sure that’s because you want that advice, you want advice that agrees with you [and, let's face it - who doesn't?] and/or in turning for advice you are turning away from the problem/issue…
If you really want P. you’re just going to have to play a long game for a long time – the problem is with the gaps you have of seeing each other you can easily build things up that aren’t there… and thus ‘glamours’ can creep in… even/especially of your own making.
We all, I think, apart from some psychotics, feel that we have some shadow on our soul and that if we reveal it then no-one could love us. The fact is that must of us aren’t as bad as we think of ourselves in our private thoughts and that’s a hard nut to crack – if you think you are caring and gentle [or whatever] with P. and you also believe you’re being true – then that is who you are with him.
Although given the ‘relationship’ perhaps P. is not the best example – distance time from seeing each other and the like on their own could make it easy to cast an appearance of somebody else – Hell, you only really argue with folk you spend time with… and so… Anyway, I hope you find this helpful.
You name what I feel. And for many others too I suspect. I go back and forth with it. All the time. While I would like to believe I am a simple being, needing only the simplest in life….truth be told I am much more complex.
But how do I attract that? What do I need to change in order to bring that into my life?
My personal lesson this last year has been on trusting myself and him with me. That gives me great joy. More than I have ever been able to experience before. That is bittersweet….he is not ready but I am. Yes, it is about trust. And being vulnerable in it.
Sometimes when we focus too hard on the attaining, the seeking of “it”….we overlook what we are being given in opportunity. Not just the opportunity to have “it”, but the opportunity to grow with or into what we desire. It’s also about acceptance that we will get what we need. And what we want.
((hugs))
Some ideas that may help, taken in small doses:
Reality = what is happening now.
What “I” wants is not important.
The Universe chooses better for us than we could choose for ourselves.
It is better to want what you have than to have what you want.
Free, how I resonate with your name
This is moving on to something different for me and it isn’t really even about P anymore. I am processing and will post about it all soon. But I do thank you for your words, every comment helps in some way and I love the way you challenge my thinking. I need that 
We all do…
Rosa, well trust was what the tarot told me
I like your line ‘it’s also about acceptance that we will get what we need.’ I must remember to remember that.
Mossy, as always, words of wisdom. I find it hard sometimes to let go of the “I” wants… I’ll work on it.