I awoke this morning feeling anxious. Still. My meeting with P on Thursday evening was good in that it cleared the air between us and assured him I wanted a similar outcome to our friendship as him. So why didn’t I feel better on Friday or today? Why did I still have anxiety and the sense of unfinished business?
I realised I still had things to say that hadn’t been said. My anxiety stemmed from the fact that despite our little heart to heart, there was still no plan to meet up in the next month!!!! No plans whatsoever, just vague indications that things might be different. Thing is, I won’t actually believe things have changed until they actually do. And everything I said on Thursday reassured P and matched his desires too. No wonder he was keen to agree.
This morning I woke and just thought, there is more I need to say. I am still not happy with the idea of only meeting once a month. I realised I just had to say what I want to P and I had to say it now. Even if it means he will reject my wishes and leave my life. I cannot go on living in anxiety over this friendship. It is better for it to end. And I also need the practise in speaking up when I’m not happy even if it causes conflict. So I awoke and turned on the computer to compose an email. I felt it was the right thing to do, but nonetheless I was a bit hesitant. I am good at knee jerk reactions you see.
In my email inbox were two significant emails. One was a letter from an astrologer friend of mine. He sends regular emails out regarding the significance of current astrological events. One was there this morning. In it he spoke of the need for us to let go of things that weren’t for our highest good. He spoke of the need for detachment and about the impermanence of all things. He mentioned blocks to the flow of life and energy and how we have opportunities to remove them now – even if it means a flood in the interim that can seem catastrophic – ultimately it is for the best. His words comforted me:
“If the Soul is active in a person’s life, then any sort of crisis will tend to draw out that Light and thus exhibit its own special genius or gift for handling adverse conditions. For the person who really seeks to do the right thing by people and to exhibit goodwill, then a way will always be found out of difficulty. That person will have a ‘second chance’ when needed. The higher Self (or ‘The Universe’, as many people are fond of saying) will provide it”.
I read his eight page letter and felt affirmed in my decision. The other significant email was from a tarot site. They email me a random card on a fairly regular basis. This morning the card ‘Strength’ arrived. It spoke of:
“courage, willpower, mental strength and self-belief, and it often appears when we are feeling fearful or afraid of standing up for ourselves. Whatever challenges you may have to face when this card appears, you must draw on your own inner strength and courage to deal with them”.
So these two messages seemed to show the way for what I had decided to do. I wrote a quite long email to P explaining my perspective, trying very hard to honour his perspective, but saying that I wanted to see him more often than once a month. I told him I had spent a lifetime feeling I was at the beck and call of a man, waiting to see when he could fit me into his schedule. And I can’t do that anymore. This situation feels the same to me and I need to change that or it will eat away at me. So I told him that, and said I needed to feel a more equal footing with regular meetings as well as communication. There was a lot in there I won’t go into here, but I really did work hard to keep it as loving as I could. I told him I respected his passion for his work and how busy that made him; I told him I was honoured by the way he listened to me on Thursday and didn’t try to deflect what I said or tell me it was all in my imagination. I said I didn’t intend to make demands even though it may come across that way to him.
Anyway, the email was sent around lunchtime and then I went out to a workshop at the Theosophical Society. Driving home in the rain, suddenly I saw the most glorious rainbow. It was one of the best I’ve ever seen – vivid and bright and a full 180 degree arc. It stayed in my view throughout the entire 30 minute drive home. It just seemed another message that the world is really ok. I was already feeling a peace and calm and this rainbow sealed the feeling. I felt I had done the right thing no matter what the outcome. I had spoken my truth and stated my wishes. The rest is out of my hands now. But I know I will accept the outcome regardless. It may make me sad but I know I will have tried to make things work in a mutually satisfactory way. It can’t be all on his terms. I feel I am growing so much through this interaction with him; it is more about me taking these steps toward being genuine than it is about whether this relationship continues or ends. Never before have I attempted to negotiate toward an arrangement that suits both parties. Always before I have kept my peace in order to keep the man in my life. I can’t do that anymore. I literally can’t do it.
There has been no response from P as yet, but it is a Saturday afternoon and I only sent the email a few hours ago. He may not have even read it yet. My guess is it will take a few days to get a response, but I hope he proves me wrong and answers sooner. His non answer will tell me every bit as much as his words I believe. But for now I again give him the benefit of the doubt and realise he may need a bit of time to think over what I have said. It goes without saying that I will keep you all posted. I hope I am mistaken, but deep down I have a feeling that this is the end of the affair. Still, better now if it must be, than after another few miserable months. P may surprise me yet and agree to meet more often. Time will tell. But for now I am peaceful. I imagine my anxiety levels will rise as time goes by until I hear his response. But I will survive. And as my friend pointed out in his letter, I will have a second chance when needed.
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