Fear and feeling good

The other morning I was filled with fear. I was scared. It has now passed and I am feeling good again. The thing I find these days that is encouraging, is that even though I still feel down at times, I bounce back quicker and quicker all the time. Almost as though my emotional fitness is improving along with my physical fitness.

A few things triggered the fear. Not much in themselves but suddenly I felt overwhelmed. First, and probably most minor, was an email from P on Sunday evening. He wants to catch up one night next week which is fine with me. But he said how this weekend he was pretty busy (and hence couldn’t see me) and one of the things occupying his time is a fortnightly catchup with friends where they pretend to play petanque but all have a bit too much to drink (P doesn’t indulge so much as he always has to drive home). It didn’t upset me but just brought home to me how unimportant I am to him that a regular boozy catchup is more important to him than perhaps making plans with me. I was annoyed and irked rather than upset by it. He was also sounding very depressed and dreary and that is a real turn off I have to say.

Then my bathroom decided to have plumbing problems. The drainage from the shower was ending up seeping up under the vanity unit. I had visions of the floor needing to be dug up and extensive damage (and expense). Then I was woken in the middle of the night by a crash. Investigation showed that a giant fan I have on the wall had decided to fall down. The following morning a house ornament I have on my keyring flew off onto the garage floor as I got in my car. Suddenly my whole house seemed to be falling down round my ears (in my imagination). I’d also got my credit card bill and with the cruise, airfares, car registration, new walking shoes, hairdresser payments … it is huge!! Then the council rates bill appeared…

By the time I got to work I was imagining huge plumbing bills and wondering what else would happen. I could see all my money going down the drain quite literally! So I got scared. It only lasted a few hours and then I was back to myself again. And you know what? They came and checked the plumbing this morning and it was only a blocked drain pipe (blocked with my very own red hair I might add) and it cost a princely $132 to fix! Such a huge relief and such a reminder that worry is just  not worth the effort.

Back to feeling good again. I still haven’t responded to misery guts P – no rush if he isn’t going to see me on the weekend anyway. I am feeling my interest waning in that direction. But there has still been a consistent amount of interest and attention from B here at work. In fact yesterday I think he was actually angling for an invite to join a colleague and myself for coffee. I feel like there is some interest on his part too (I am going to start trusting my instincts in these matters instead of listening to internal voices that tell me he couldn’t be interested in ME). He does go out of his way to talk to me and takes every opportunity to do so. He also gave me an immense amount of information about himself in a short space of time one afternoon – I established he was single, lived alone and is capable of earning big bucks and filling high powered positions. I also established he wasn’t gay (well I must admit it had crossed my mind). It was only afterwards that I realised how well he’d manouvered the conversation to indicate what a good catch he was :-)  Or is it all my imagination? I didn’t ask questions – he volunteered all this information.

Anyway this is all good fun and I’m enjoying myself. Even if it leads to nothing, it is giving my confidence a boost which it can always do with.

And this is my last week of bootcamp. We are having a fitness assessment tonight so I will get an indication of how much (or little) my fitness has improved over the past month.