Life goes through cycles. It ebbs and flows. Right now, here in Australia, spring is about to burst forth. Many plants are now getting signs of new growth after lying dormant for months. Yesterday my friend’s dog died, no doubt some puppy was born somewhere to compensate.
My life has swung from the flow of a month ago into an ebb tide right now. Amazing how quickly it can change. If I charted my moods and experiences over this year alone, since I started blogging, the cycles would be clear.
I awoke this morning, Saturday, knowing I had absolutely nothing planned for the entire weekend. It has been a long time since this has happened and it filled me with a sense of sadness, bereftness and dread. Alone again. For two whole days. I guess it is because I need to focus on something without being distracted by company. But I am just so tired of aloneness – I have always spent so much time alone and it feels unnatural to me now. I still need time to myself being a bit of a loner by nature, but so much of it is wearing me down.
Outside winter is not relinquishing without a fight. Grey, overcast skies with rain to come. I lay meditating in bed for ages this morning. Reaffirming my commitment to soul work and trying to get in touch with what I need to do – what job is waiting for me. For now I think it is my paid job – things are moving there in a direction that feels right for me.
The last two mornings (workdays) when I’ve been in a hurry I’ve logged on to find loads of comments posted – 19 one morning. I love that. I didn’t have much time to read or respond to them. This morning, with all the time in the world (two whole days in fact) there is not a single comment posted. Bizarre isn’t it?
I’ve brought some work home with me to do – I am out of the office two days next week on a training course so wanted to get some things covered before I go. My mum rang a while ago (she knows my friend and her dog and wanted to see how things were). She invited me to go there for dinner tonight so I will do that even though I was there for dinner last weekend. I have booked a massage for early this afternoon and then I think I will go see a movie – Edge of Love. Tomorrow nothing is planned but I see that the Painted Veil is still showing at one cinema (I thought it had finished) so I may go to see that. Its not on until 4.10pm though.
As you see, I don’t take well to the ebb cycles and I try to fill them with things. Keep busy, distract myself. Maybe I should just spend the two days staring out the window to see what comes up in my psyche. I am feeling sadness about Aggie, and through memories about Shadow. And I lay there remembering what sort of month September was for me last year. I moved into this house in mid September, P declared himself a few days later and I was on top of the world – new house, new relationship. His birthday party was in that time we were together and I had the time of my life. By the end of the month the relationship had morphed back into friendship and I was devastated. Then it was the first anniversary of Shadow’s death and P took me to the sea for my beautiful bittersweet day. September has always been an eventful month for me – I always move house in September for some reason – not intentionally.
So I am not looking forward to the memories associated with this month. P hasn’t emailed me since last Sunday – he is again in pull away mode after the romance he poured on me a month ago. His life is so busy and full at the moment in contrast to my own. I feel a twinge of jealousy. I feel left out. If he’d been brave enough we’d have been a couple for nearly a year now, and I too would be preparing for the party and planning presents. I resent that he took that away from me. I don’t normally but right now I feel excluded from a significant place in anyone’s life. I’m so sick of it.
And the excitement caused by B’s interest has long ebbed too. We hardly said two words to each other all week – and that was mostly yesterday when I was feeling extremely sad about Aggie. I told him about it and he murmured some platitudes but didn’t really seem interested. And I just couldn’t be bothered with him somehow. I feel so fickle and shallow sometimes – needing all this external attention just to feel good. I knew that it wouldn’t last – I knew that P’s interest would diminish again as I’ve seen it too many times. And B has not been the same since the evening he followed me to Bunnings. From that time on he’s pulled right back too. Pathetic creature that I am, I am left craving the attention of at least one of them and they both pull away together. Why is that? They were both hot on my heels together and now have turned away together. I just wish I could have bottled that last week of July so I could relive it whenever I wanted. I’ve never felt so good in my entire life!
But as always, this low will pass and things will look up again. Yesterday I had an amazing experience as I sat by the lake eating lunch. A magpie came up and sat on the bench really close to me. She/he was looking me straight in the eye and then she began warbling her beautiful song. It is my favourite sound of the Australian bush – the magpie – I love them. She faced me as she sang and again looked me in the eye. I’ve never experienced anything like that before. I find so much healing and pleasure in nature. They accept the natural ebbs and flows of life and don’t try to force things. I need to learn to be more like them, more accepting of where I am in life.
I am alone and need to accept that instead of struggling against the idea so much.
Hello Zenuria !
I read the post. Zen (can I call you by this name?) yes , life always dose not move smoothly. Sometimes we become sad and sometimes happy. Events are the nature of the life. We can not control them ! But one thing we can do for our side that is ,We can create and edit our response for this events by our will. Zen I am not a missionary . But I like to write about God. I am a normal guy and have a normal life.Zen , I have write 2 posts in last 2 days.I daily check your “weboflove” . Please would you read my thoughts? Waiting !
Hi Sam, you are right we cannot control events so we shouldn’t even try. I’ll check your blog sometime soon.
you are damn right about those ‘life phase’ cycles perpetuating us to the nth degree .. as if menstrual cycles aren’t enough for us to deal with, weh ave psychological ones edging their way into our psyches
i’ve spent much of autumn & winter in a similar state of loneliness or despondency (ok i speak mainly for myself here) .. but realise that the hibernation & lull of introspection must be in alignment with the seasons .. i too, am learning not to resist the ebbs & flows – i have honoured my psyche by allowing it to indulge in its erratic nature for the time being .. there can only be a few more weeks till this cold snap disappears out there & in here!
i can only hope that spring will manifest a new cycle or regeneration .. perhaps if i manifest it to the universe enough, a much needed new beginning for all of us will be delivered ..
like tim freedman from the whitlams once sang, ‘there’s no aphrodisiac like loneliness – truth, beauty & a bottle of … ?
[Vamp, oh yeah I didn't mention the menstrual cycles did I? I am a winter person - I love winter. Most of my winter has been good but the last few weeks not so. Spring starts tomorrow and yet I find I am not looking forward to it. I hate the thought of the heat coming up and I dread the Christmas season - it is no fun to go through alone. I hope the warmer weather brings you greater happiness though.
I have realised too, that the Sun is currently transiting through my 12th house - and that is always a more introspective, depressive type of time. Perhaps I will spring out of it when it crosses my ascendant in a week or so. Also Saturn is also nearing my Ascendant - I can't wait to get it out of my 12th house where it has caused havoc for years!]
I don’t know…
I think I’ve only really got a couple of asides – since when did I have more…
Do you think it’s possible that P has a ‘fuller’ life than yours because he’s more scared of being alone than you? Is it possible that B realised he had gone a bit far going to the garden shop and decided to pull himself back only to overcompensate – on reflection it might indicate a jealous side he’s not proud of…
Not coming from the closest family [indeed the default setting is the in-laws...] I understand your feelings towards Christmas but just as a note – I find the secular happy fascists the worst part about it, especially when they are telling us what a good time we must have and for that you need to buy THIS!!! urgh… run, hide…
[Hi Free, oh yes the happy fascists and the commercialism of christmas - definitely time to run and hide. Someone I know had the right idea last year and travelled to a Buddhist country over Christmas. I'd do the same except my parents would never forgive me. I actually find New Years even worse!
I am sure P has such a full life because he doesn't want to face up to being alone. He's so busy that when he does spend time alone he can really enjoy and appreciate it. His kids live with him again at the moment so he is rarely alone or lonely.
Regarding B - yes that had crossed my mind - he may have thought I thought he was stalking me so he backed right off. So what to do about it? Still can't find opportunities to have a decent talk to him. I just trust that the opportunity will arise if things are meant to progress (does that sound a bit too fatalistic and passive?)]
Well, Zen – This is me…
so… i think you could engineer a trip to a cafe or someplace public and sociable during a lunch break or something – or at least an upfront direct ‘I;m going for a coffee – do you want to come or stay and mope?’ Alright you probably wouldn’t use my turn of phrase – a bit of information here – the female of the species normally chooses their mate, leaving males wanting to construct societies where they have a bit more control or stewing in doubt [apart from the terribly confident ones]
It was no mistake when I used the word ‘full’ rather than ‘rich’ or even ‘rewarding’… If you do bother yourself overly much due to a fear of being on your own you can easily create a crushing burden. I have seen others do this and they then become so attached to their protection that they couldn’t give any of it up… It’s tragic but they have to figure out what helps and what doesn’t but when you can’t stand your own company or go so far down that path that you can’t bear the thought of your own company then it’s a hard way to figure the road back.
The problem is that it seems P uses you when the other stuff doesn’t get in the way like it’s supposed to to plug a gap… in which case are you helping him [nevermind yourself] to get back in touch with himself? If he were to commit or be able to commit then my view would be different (but at this point I wouldn’t want to say by how much)… Anyway – It’s hard when someone is like that who you care about but that doesn’t change the situation – I think I’ve answered your question…
Free, I agree the fear of being alone can be debilitating when taken to extreme. Luckily I’ve never been like that – I feel wistful at my aloneness lately but I’ve always enjoyed my own company. Just I have so much of it sometimes it becomes tiring.
I’m working up the courage with B. Today was a good day – twice in the tea room together and back to our old chatty, slightly flirty ways. So there may still be hope. Others were in and out though so no real chance to invite him out – and I wasn’t prepared for it anyway.
I guess P does use me to fill a gap to some extent – but I do think he really enjoys spending time with me – I guess that isn’t the point though is it? Anyway, much as I appreciate him in my life, I am firm in that i am looking for something more – a commitment from someone. I’ll keep looking until I find him – he must be out there somewhere
Until then, a bit of fun sometimes will have to do.
I wish I met men who were as clear and open and honest as you appear to be. At least you seem to be comfortable looking at things that lie beneath the surface (and no this isn’t a come on because I know you are happily married and on the other side of the world
) I just really admire guys who can introspect a bit and look at themselves and their behaviour (I admire gals like that too!)