Now

For a couple of weeks I did quite a good job of watching, accepting and letting go of each thought and emotion that arose. I felt quite calm and centred but I also cried and laughed as emotions flowed through.

Then two days ago, my ego, or whatever you want to call it, went on the attack. It seems to me that it was feeling threatened by my refusal to engage and feed it with my usual dramas. So it threw all its guns at me. Panic, fear, despair. Suddenly my whole world seemed completely meaningless. I certainly hooked on and engaged in the battle. It lasted a day and then I managed to accept what was going on and gently disidentify.

The despair I felt was directed to my work life, not at all linked to my love life. I have no expectations in my love life right now so it is not affected by emotional swings. I still have expectations about my career that just aren’t being met and so it provides an avenue for angst. I also panic about my financial situation if I examine it too closely. A single income only guaranteed for the next six months (I’m a contractor) and a huge mortgage. But why was I worrying? Money has never been an issue for me. Enough comes in for me to get by. Always.

Fear only grabs you when you attach it to the past or the future. If you are in the moment then fear has nothing to latch onto. (Unless you are facing a dangerous animal or situation at that time )

Living in the moment. Such a simple idea. Such a difficult task.