Beautiful Sorrow

November 2007

I had been closed down to love for a long time because of hurts in the past. For so long it seemed safer to close off my heart to protect myself. Was I happy, content, fulfilled during those years? No, absolutely not.

Things began to change when I spent four months at the start of 2007 in the Himalayas. Initially I lived for ten weeks on a tea estate near Darjeeling doing voluntary work. It turned into a profoundly introspective time with a lot of old wounds opening up for cleansing. I felt alone and lonely despite being surrounded by the most wonderful people (mostly Nepalese in that part of India). From the computer centre where I taught the local children I watched tourists arriving to tour the tea factory. They travelled always in couples or in groups. I was on my own and, in typical Indian fashion, had faced quite a few travel disruptions and changes to plans. I’d faced these and dealt with them alone in a strange country. I deeply felt I did not want to face these things alone anymore. Through seeing the strong sense of family and community that prevailed in the region I was working in, I started to realise very strongly what I was missing out in my solitary life.

I did much thinking, writing and crying during my time in Darjeeling. I uncovered long buried wounds and issues dating back to my early teens. And I finally opened up to the idea of not going it alone anymore. I’ve always been so proud of my independence. But now I could see the value in living an interdependent life – with someone special to share the joys and sorrows.

I spent time in Nepal and Tibet as well and came home determined to change my life. I came home with the urge to open my heart to love. My intent was to be loving and lovable, to give out love and let love come to me. I made a decision not to be alone any longer but to find a wonderful man to share my life with.

Within three weeks of returning to Australia I met a beautiful man. After years of meeting nobody, by changing my attitude and opening up to opportunity I met someone meaningful. I couldn’t quite believe it to be honest. I know we can manifest if we are clear and give out the right messages, but even so this amazed me. We spent time slowly getting to know each other, finding so many connections between us, so many similarities and common ideals. Being with him I felt alive. I fell in love with him.

It took time, but we did eventually reach a place where we saw ourselves together as a couple. He brought me the first rosebud from his garden that day. I will never forget that day as long as I live – it was the day I thought all my dreams had finally come true. I will never forget the euphoria, the joy, the gratitude I felt knowing this wonderful man felt the same way I did.

It lasted ten days. Ten days of bliss and happiness. Then we pulled away from each other. To this day I don’t truly understand what went wrong. Our romance lasted just as long as the rosebud – it bloomed and died over that same span of time

The sorrow I felt was so deep – an ache in my deepest being that permeated my whole self. It was overwhelmingly the major emotion I felt. It seemed a part of me, a part that had always existed and yet it was tied into the whole human race at the same time. The sorrow of the world was so easy to tap into and I made it my own. But I didn’t struggle against it as I would have done in the past. I let it seep into my essence and I accepted it, allowed it room, surrendered to it. I didn’t try to distract myself or struggle against it. And with that surrender, that acceptance, came a peace and a profound sense of beauty that I did not expect.

The sorrow became beautiful. The pain became soulful. I felt somehow connected to the whole of humanity, those millions before me who had also suffered and sorrowed. It was all there in the collective unconscious and I was tapping into that on a deep level. But more than that, I was also connecting to a higher level, a higher power that somehow I could access through this sorrow. It was a profound experience. The pain I was feeling became meaningful in a way that is so hard to put into words.

Through this sadness I formed a point of connection with all that is and has ever been and ever will be. I could sense a purpose that underlies everything that happens on this planet. This sorrow fulfilled a need, a purpose, a calling to a higher life. In the very depths of my sadness I felt a connection with the very heights of human potential, that soulful quality that keeps us going.

Sorrow is such a basic part of the human condition. It is something we have all experienced, some more than others, some more deeply than others. But it is a common link. It makes us feel our humanity and our link to all other humans more strongly. In allowing the sadness to take form and move through us, we become extremely open and vulnerable. This state of vulnerability is a beautiful state to be in if you can keep yourself safe. I was lucky in this regard – I could allow myself to feel this way even when I was with the man I loved, the very one who had triggered this state within me.

That led to a profoundly beautiful day by the sea. We knew we would not make it as lovers and had decided to stay as friends. I don’t know how he was feeling, but I’d plunged into this deep sorrow and felt achingly vulnerable. We spent 12 hours together while I was in this state, and it was one of the most memorable, moving and awe inspiring days of my life. I knew I could trust him, and myself. I trusted that being open like that would not lead to more hurt. He gave me the most beautiful day of my life – a bittersweet day of beauty and sadness combined. He showed me what a beautiful person he was in the way he treated me and the lengths to which he went to make the day perfect. The most important gift he gave me that day was to reflect back to me my own beauty. No-one had ever done that for me before. I loved him more on that day than ever I had before. I felt a much deeper connection and bond with him. It was just one day out of a lifetime, but a day I will always treasure.

I felt close to him and to nature. Being by the sea was very healing and at times I felt as though I was dissolving into the pounding waves. I felt more part of the world at large than ever I do normally, trapped as I usually am in day to day life, in work and in keeping myself closed down to avoid being hurt. But being closed down is ultimately so painful – and it is pain without any hope of redemption. By opening up to sorrow I was also opening up to beauty and to living. I felt the love and energy of the soul flowing down to succour me. I felt the heartbreak of the soul who longs for each of us to turn to it for love only to have us spurn it time and again. This sorrow is the sorrow of the soul who knows we look ever outside of ourselves for love and for happiness and joy. In allowing my sorrow to just emerge and by accepting it and not judging it I was also tapping into my very essence.

Of course it is very hard to let go of this particular experience of love and move on, staying open, to hopefully meet someone else. I do believe this experience has helped me move closer to my goal, although I don’t see it as something to chase but as something to let go of. My need now is for surrender to whatever will be.

What have I learnt from this experience? I’ve had reinforced how easy it is to manifest our intent if we are clear and focussed. But the irony of it is that we manifest what we need, not necessarily what we want. It is clear to me that I needed to go through this experience to reach a deeper understanding of what love really is. The real love we seek comes from within and from our connection with our higher selves. As long as we look externally for love and happiness we are doomed to sorrow at some point. If we can find true love within ourselves then it can never be taken from us. And it is at that point we can truly connect with another human being and find great joy in being with another.

It is through sorrow that we may become more in touch with love. Through the loss, the lack of love we experience great sorrow. Through great sorrow we come to appreciate the need for love, we yearn for it and long for it and so our quest to find it is furthered. Sorrow drives us on to find the missing one, the beloved that is love. The greater the sorrow, the greater the love that can be found.

Finally I’ve learnt that no matter what the pain involved, love is never lost, love is never wasted.