Melancholia

Today I feel melancholic. At lunchtime I bought lunch at a bakery and sat looking out over the ocean to eat. The rain and wind have stopped today but it is still chilly and grey. I love this sort of weather for gazing out to sea. But it is exactly the same look and feel and mood as the day, 18 months ago, that P and I spent by the sea and memories of him and that day came flooding back. That too, was a bittersweet melancholic day.

I sat there alone and watched the older, retired couples wandering around together, just enjoying being by the sea and being with each other. I imagine some of them have been married for many years. Grandparents with their grandchildren played on the swings. I pondered, for the umpteenth time, how do people meet, fall in love, commit and stay together? It seems such a mystery to me.

There is a gentleness about this melancholy. It isn’t violent, passionate grief or deep, dull depression. Just a feeling that lightly sweeps over me and fills me with a sadness that isn’t altogether unpleasant. It is a quiet, peaceful feeling. I have often found that sorrow, sadness is such a feeling – that there is almost an underlying beauty to it.

The sea has been amazing the last few days, whipped up into a fury by the storms. The scent at work has been deliciously briney – even though we don’t see the sea from most of the workplace you know you are near it the moment you step outside.

Near where I ate my lunch is a stately old home now converted to a retirement residence. It overlooks the ocean and I could imagine myself retiring to such a place one day. (If I could ever afford it). I just had this feeling that I will always be single and such a home is probably my only option in the future. Hopefully there would be companionship in such a place and if I could be in a beautiful spot I’d be happy. Suddenly the idea of a peaceful life, without the hustle and bustle of getting on at work, adopting puppies or worrying about paying the bills seemed something to really aim for. I could imagine spending hours sitting staring out onto that ever changing ocean without having to think about where one should be going or what one should be doing. Just ending my days in peace and harmony gazing at some eternal view. It seems a long way off now – I will need to work for many more years before I can afford to retire. But the thought of the twilight years of life suddenly appealed greatly. Preparing to return to wherever it is we came from. I imagine those will be gently melancholic years too.

I’m back

Hopefully I mean that in more than one sense of the word. Firstly, I am back home and back at work after over three weeks off. First was the ten day Vipassana retreat, then five days of Christmas mayhem, then off to Tasmania for 9 days.

Secondly, I think I am back to normal Whatever that may mean. My last few posts have been maudlin and self obsessed (ok I am normally pretty self obsessed I admit). It is strange that I should have felt that way when I was on holiday and as soon as I’m back into normality I improve.

I really put it down to the anti-allergy medication I resorted to taking my whole time in Tasmania. It really did tend to zonk me out and displace me.  I was having to take more and more tablets, as my body got used to the medication, just to keep the allergy symptoms at bay. Now the effects are wearing off and I feel myself returning to a more natural state.

It was bliss to get home yesterday and to sleep in my own bed last night. I was happy during the Vipassana retreat despite it being hard, painful work. I was happy during the five day break catching up with friends and family. It was only during the Tasmania trip that I fell back into my old depressed habits. I have decided to blame the medication.

This morning I woke at 6am to meditate for an hour before going for my usual walk. I think I actually dozed upright for an hour rather than meditating but the intent was there. From tomorrow I will try going for my walk first and then meditating, hoping I will be awake then. I am back into my normal healthy eating regime after a wonderful time of letting my standards slip (I was on holiday after all!) And work isn’t so bad. I like the people very much and so what if it is boring. It is where I find myself so there must be something for me to gain from the experience. Lessons to be learnt, the biggest of which is acceptance.

I have been given the most marvelous gift – a practical technique to use to learn equanimity and acceptance. A tool to help me become peaceful and contented and happy within myself. A tool to help me develop love for all and compassion for the world. It takes time and practice to make full use of this tool. I am talking about the Vipassana meditation. It won’t work unless I practise every day. So that is what I aim to do. I think I keep waiting for some miracle to hand me perfect happiness on a plate, once and for all. Logically, I know this is ridiculous but some part of me half expects it. Don’t most of us want the rewards without the effort?

If I don’t grasp this opportunity and use this technique – one that has been tried, tested and proven by millions of people – then I am cheating myself (and the world in actual fact).

Today at work, acceptance has been the order of the day. Accept the role I am in, accept the work I am given gracefully. Today at home, accept that I am alone - gracefully. But also be appreciative and thankful for what I do have.

The retreat may have only been ten days but I think it has had some impact on me. It has been hard to see as life since then hasn’t been normal. I did notice a calmness amongst the mayhem of post christmas shopping and I did notice my thoughts stilling momentarily once or twice. Otherwise life has been out of kilter so changes are not noticeable. Now back into my normal routine it will be interesting to view the impact the ten days had. It is only the beginning though, without daily practise the effects will wear off and I’ll be back to square one.

And I haven’t forgotten about Floria Aemilia whose story I want to write. Only now I am becoming just as interested in St Augustine’s side of the story. So I have some research to do there. I want to let it grow organically – let the characters tell me their sides of the story so I can do justice to them both. The story is still with me and I hope it will one day externalise into a film or a book.

Today acceptance is quite easy. The test will be when I next face some sort of challenge – how will I react? How quickly will I regain equilibrium? Those are the tests that will show how much I really am learning and progressing.

Only the lonely

What is it about loneliness? How come we can be lonely in a crowd or in a house full of people? Loneliness isn’t just about physical aloneness is it? In fact that isn’t even remotely what it is about. Many times I’ve been alone and not felt lonely. Loneliness was not something that plagued me much until recently.

Its a side effect of opening up your heart I feel sure. All the years of living alone but with my heart and mind closed down to relationships (of the romantic type) never bothered me. I didn’t feel lonely. Yes I did have my dog for companionship which helped. But a closed heart also helps. If you don’t want people to come in, to get close, then being alone is a useful avoidance strategy.

But then one changes and decides that opening the heart to love is the only way to live. Everyone says this is the right thing to do don’t they? I agree, it is. But the problem is that love doesn’t automatically find you the moment you start to open your heart. Often there seems to be a long, lonely, interminable period when you are caught in the crossfire – no lover yet in sight but also a heart that longs for partnership. It can seem like a lifetime. For me, I guess its been almost 2 years. Yet it seems so much longer.

Late Jan – early Mar 2007 I was alone and very lonely in India. Then other volunteers showed up and I had a great time through late Mar – April. But it was the first period of time, the lonely time, that forced the soul searching on me that made me realise that I no longer wanted to live my life alone. Returning to Australia, I met P in early May 2007 only days after my return. I naively thought that just deciding to open up to love had allowed it to miraculously happen immediately. Anyone that reads this blog regularly knows that didn’t actually work out.

So here I am, nearly two years on, and still feeling lonely. I miss the idea of P in my life but I really know I have to let him go and move on. It is sooooo hard – especially at the moment. I don’t know why – is it a new year bringing in a review of the past? Is it being on holiday and not distracted by work? Is it staying with a happily married couple that has triggered this? I have time on my hands right now to think and brood.

But this too shall pass right? It was simplistic of me to think that I’d find a man to share my life with the moment I decided it was what I wanted. I’d been shut down for seven years – I guess one doesn’t overcome that in five minutes.  Who knows what else lurks hidden in my psyche sabotaging my attempts to find love.

My brother and sister in law have been married six years. It is the second marriage for them both and they met when they were around the age I am now. My sister in law wasn’t looking for a man when she met my brother. She was quite content on her own with her own home and two nearly grown up children. How often do you hear that? People find love when they aren’t looking for it or expecting it. Well I wasn’t looking or expecting it for seven years and it didn’t find me! Now I am looking and still it eludes me. So what is the deal here?

I don’t think I give off desperate vibes I have spent a lot of time focussing my energies on other areas of interest. I do wish I had a job that took more of my thought power though – instead of being something I can do with hardly a neuron firing. People say, it will happen, it is just a matter of timing, of being patient. I really believe that. Truly. I’m even one of those people who say that. What does one do in the meantime though with all this ‘romantic’ energy flowing through the system wanting an outlet.

I think I need to go get those dogs

Some day I hope to look back on this time and realise how short it really was. For now it seems endless. This too shall pass. But the heart shall remain open – that is the key. And the love needs to be given to all and not just to one special person. But how…

2009

Happy New Year everyone. My first post of 2009. Very quiet night with my brother and sister in law last night – not even a drop of alcohol and to bed by 12.05am A bit of a non event. It is after all, just another night and another day.

I’m here in Tasmania – the most beautiful state in Australia in my opinion.  My first three days here though, were sabotaged by P. Yes, would you believe, after all this time of letting go he suddenly became an ever present thought in my mind. My brother shows me around the garden – P loves gardens and gardening and I could just imagine him discussing plants with my brother. Then out to their farm – 52 acres of rainforest and some cleared paddocks with views over rolling farmland to nearby mountains. Cool weather, mountains, lovely walks – all the things P would just love. I don’t know why my mind decided to sabotage me in this way. I couldn’t seem to stop the flow.

Yesterday I spent the day alone at Cataract Gorge. I did a lot of hard walking.  Early on I was feeling extremely sad and lonely – everyone else was part of a family or couple or group of friends. It is so beautiful and the weather was perfect and yet I wanted to cry. I found myself spontaneously sending out a heartfelt prayer to not be alone anymore.  I was very sincere in my plea and felt a calm and peace descend upon me afterwards.  I was then able to let go of the sense of aloneness and enjoy my surroundings. I did four hours of hard walking – I picked the remoter, rougher tracks to walk. For those that know the place I walked from Kings Bridge to Duck Reach power station via the Zigzag and Trevallyan tracks. I also spent some time in meditation sitting on the grass. It turned into a peaceful and enjoyable day for me.

I woke this morning, first day of 2009, feeling good. Hopeful and content with things as they are and will be.  Since my prayer yesterday, P has been receding in my mind. He is still there but not as insistent on being recognised. I wish him well wherever he is, but it really is time for us to go our separate ways. I gave most of 2007 and all of 2008 to him but I need to hold 2009 apart, away from him. He can’t have a place in 2009 for me.

Happy New Year.

Teardrop

Friday evening

Friday evening at home. A good day today. Everyone at work was in a frisky mood and we spent time being very mature and professional this morning, throwing squeeze balls at each other and attempting to knock a football off the partition. I can be quite silly at times and I was even called a ratbag by a colleague Who moi?

Twice I found myself in the tea room with B and we seemed to fall back into our chatty, flirty style with each other. We keep edging around the topic of relationships with each other which is quite interesting. Today it was comments on rich, aging men who take up with much younger women – B assured me he wasn’t interested in young bimbos (not that he is exactly aging I have to say – he’s only in his late 30s). I assured him I wasn’t interested in rich men particularly (although I have no real aversion to a man having money I must say )

Not much planned for the weekend. Another massage tomorrow and then perhaps another movie. Nothing for Sunday except perhaps I might take myself on a bushwalk. Another quiet, potentially slow weekend. Where have all my friends gone lately I wonder? Next weekend I’m seeing P and another friend wants to catch up (same day I think).

Acceptance. That is where I am at. Next week Saturn crosses my Ascendant (that is pretty significant – only happens every 29 years). I am having a guided meditation to try to make the most of the opportunities.

Thursday nights I still go to my study/meditation class and I’m quite amazed now at the sorts of things that come through sometimes. I had a voice saying to me the other night, they are not all connected yet. So last night I asked who was not connected. Turns out it is the team of people I am to work with on the physical plane – and there are 17 of them. Then I was told how to attempt to connect them up! Cool stuff. I love it. I have been yearning for my ‘team’, my ‘group’, my ‘ashramic colleagues’ for quite a while now. The ones with whom I am going to find and manifest my purpose. When I think of this aloneness I often feel I realise it isn’t just, deep down, the desire for a partner, it is also the desire for my group.

So now I’m going to post this and then go and read Esoteric Psychology Volume II by Alice Bailey. I love the way it explains the stages as we grow and evolve, and I like to try to pinpoint the stage I am at – then everything makes sense. I think I am making inner progress but often it isn’t reflected in the outer world. Then I read up on it and find that what I experience is often a sign that things ARE moving and shaking.

Cycles

Life goes through cycles. It ebbs and flows. Right now, here in Australia, spring is about to burst forth. Many plants are now getting signs of new growth after lying dormant for months. Yesterday my friend’s dog died, no doubt some puppy was born somewhere to compensate.

My life has swung from the flow of a month ago into an ebb tide right now. Amazing how quickly it can change. If I charted my moods and experiences over this year alone, since I started blogging, the cycles would be clear.

I awoke this morning, Saturday, knowing I had absolutely nothing planned for the entire weekend. It has been a long time since this has happened and it filled me with a sense of sadness, bereftness and dread. Alone again. For two whole days. I guess it is because I need to focus on something without being distracted by company. But I am just so tired of aloneness – I have always spent so much time alone and it feels unnatural to me now. I still need time to myself being a bit of a loner by nature, but so much of it is wearing me down.

Outside winter is not relinquishing without a fight. Grey, overcast skies with rain to come. I lay meditating in bed for ages this morning. Reaffirming my commitment to soul work and trying to get in touch with what I need to do – what job is waiting for me. For now I think it is my paid job – things are moving there in a direction that feels right for me.

The last two mornings (workdays) when I’ve been in a hurry I’ve logged on to find loads of comments posted – 19 one morning. I love that. I didn’t have much time to read or respond to them. This morning, with all the time in the world (two whole days in fact) there is not a single comment posted. Bizarre isn’t it?

I’ve brought some work home with me to do – I am out of the office two days next week on a training course so wanted to get some things covered before I go. My mum rang a while ago (she knows my friend and her dog and wanted to see how things were). She invited me to go there for dinner tonight so I will do that even though I was there for dinner last weekend. I have booked a massage for early this afternoon and then I think I will go see a movie – Edge of Love. Tomorrow nothing is planned but I see that the Painted Veil is still showing at one cinema (I thought it had finished) so I may go to see that. Its not on until 4.10pm though.

As you see, I don’t take well to the ebb cycles and I try to fill them with things. Keep busy, distract myself. Maybe I should just spend the two days staring out the window to see what comes up in my psyche. I am feeling sadness about Aggie, and through memories about Shadow. And I lay there remembering what sort of month September was for me last year. I moved into this house in mid September, P declared himself a few days later and I was on top of the world – new house, new relationship. His birthday party was in that time we were together and I had the time of my life. By the end of the month the relationship had morphed back into friendship and I was devastated. Then it was the first anniversary of Shadow’s death and P took me to the sea for my beautiful bittersweet day. September has always been an eventful month for me – I always move house in September for some reason – not intentionally.

So I am not looking forward to the memories associated with this month. P hasn’t emailed me since last Sunday – he is again in pull away mode after the romance he poured on me a month ago.  His life is so busy and full at the moment in contrast to my own. I feel a twinge of jealousy. I feel left out. If he’d been brave enough we’d have been a couple for nearly a year now, and I too would be preparing for the party and planning presents. I resent that he took that away from me. I don’t normally but right now I feel excluded from a significant place in anyone’s life. I’m so sick of it.

And the excitement caused by B’s interest has long ebbed too. We hardly said two words to each other all week – and that was mostly yesterday when I was feeling extremely sad about Aggie. I told him about it and he murmured some platitudes but didn’t really seem interested. And I just couldn’t be bothered with him somehow. I feel so fickle and shallow sometimes – needing all this external attention just to feel good. I knew that it wouldn’t last – I knew that P’s interest would diminish again as I’ve seen it too many times. And B has not been the same since the evening he followed me to Bunnings. From that time on he’s pulled right back too. Pathetic creature that I am, I am left craving the attention of at least one of them and they both pull away together. Why is that? They were both hot on my heels together and now have turned away together. I just wish I could have bottled that last week of July so I could relive it whenever I wanted. I’ve never felt so good in my entire life!

But as always, this low will pass and things will look up again. Yesterday I had an amazing experience as I sat by the lake eating lunch. A magpie came up and sat on the bench really close to me. She/he was looking me straight in the eye and then she began warbling her beautiful song. It is my favourite sound of the Australian bush – the magpie – I love them. She faced me as she sang and again looked me in the eye. I’ve never experienced anything like that before. I find so much healing and pleasure in nature. They accept the natural ebbs and flows of life and don’t try to force things. I need to learn to be more like them, more accepting of where I am in life.

I am alone and need to accept that instead of struggling against the idea so much.

A walk in the bush

I’ve just got back from spending several hours wandering around a nearby bush park. I am very privileged to live where I do – I can walk to the hilly bush recreation park from my house.

I set off first, with my backpack, to a family run weekend organic fruit and veg market. There I filled my pack with 1 cauliflower, six bananas, 12 apples and 6 tomatoes. That actually weighs a fair bit you know. Then off I walked up the main road until I got to the park entrance.

Inside the park it is a long climb to the ridge. The way I went isn’t too steep and so I was able to just keep going at a steady pace the whole way. This place is 15 minutes walk from my house in outer suburbia but once inside the park you could be a million miles from civilisation. Apart from the other walkers of course. And many walk their dogs there so I got to say hello to quite a few canine buddies.

There were quite a few others out there on this pleasant winter’s afternoon. Not too cold, no rain but enough cloud to keep the sun obscured a lot of the time. I found a spot away from the masses and sat on the damp ground to eat a banana and some popcorn and soak up the sounds and sights of the Aussie bush. I did a round circuit – probably only around 3km in total. Then home. So probably about 5km covered altogether. Nothing too strenuous but enough to get the heart rate up and the lungs working.

I enjoyed it but felt melancholy. I’ve just got that slightly sad outlook back at the moment. Everyone else I saw in the park were in family groups or couples. And I also missed not having a dog of my own.  But as Phil Collins once said, “you can’t hurry love, no you just have to wait”. So wait I will. Meanwhile I am very lucky to be living in such a lovely place.

Physicality

What a physical weekend it has been. First Friday evening with P

Yesterday I used my new hedge trimmer to hack away at the hedges around my property. They are humungous things and cover a lot of ground so that was heavy going. But I am pleased with the results so far. I will need to finish them off next weekend.

Then I had to pick up all the trimmings which filled up my entire green waste wheelie bin. Then I mowed the lawns. I hung out three loads of washing as well. I also did my usual half hour uphill walk.

I feel energised from all my activity. Then I went over to the local shopping centre and had a one hour massage – I had so many sore muscles from the hedge trimming – especially in my shoulders and arms.

Interesting how physical activity begets more physical activity. I think I am fitter than I’ve ever been in my adult life. Which is not to say very fit I might add. But I like it. I like feeling energetic and strong.

So now it is Sunday evening. I might watch a DVD and then meditate and then off to the land of dreams. I have had a very satisfying weekend all things considered. Apart from a trip to the hairdresser yesterday, I have spent the whole actual weekend alone and it hasn’t bothered me one bit. I still have more things to do in the garden next weekend.

As long as I’m not brooding and have things to do - physical or mental – I am quite fine being on my own. Please remind me I said this if I start to go into one of my lonely phases in the future!

P describes it as ‘the sweetness and bitterness of being alone’. He has experienced many years of it himself (although not at the moment with his kids back home for now). I know exactly what he means. Sometimes I just revel in it (especially in the evenings after work); other times I reject it. But for now it is sweet.

Later…

It is still Saturday – now around 6pm. It is getting dark outside and I can see a crescent moon from my study window. The trees are silhouettes against a denim coloured sky.

This morning I was maudlin. Now I am tired and weary but it is the righteous tiredness of one who has worked hard. I climbed ladders to clean my windows as I could hardly see through them. I planted a camellia, a rock rose and a salvia in my garden. I repotted two impatiens and an umbrella plant. I staked up my weeping eucalypt as it was weeping a bit too much. I collected all my rocks from around the world and placed them in front of the Buddha in my front garden – in a sort of rock mandala. I went to the shop for an extension cord and bought some organic produce from a local weekend market. I finished unpacking, finished washing clothes and washed the dishes that had been piling up since my return (in my laziness I’d left them).

Ok the hedges and the tree are still to be taken care of. I am wondering about hiring a chainsaw tomorrow to cut up the tree myself. I have a hedge trimmer on order and that will take a couple of weeks to arrive so the hedge will have to wait a bit longer. My hedges are huge and so I need a special implement that will extend and bend 90 degrees.

So now I feel quite content. I am meeting my friend for dinner in half an hour. My back aches but it is a pleasant feeling from doing manual work. For a lot of the afternoon I still felt the lack of someone around to help out and share these tasks with me. But I am over that now. I am back to just feeling blessed to have what I do have in my life. As always this was a little low spot on the roller coaster ride of life. I’m back to the even keel now.

Everything happens for a reason and we manifest our own circumstances. If I am alone then it is for reasons of my own making. It may not be what I feel I want but perhaps it is what I need. I’m not sure why exactly – I am self reliant and independent and always have been – I don’t need to learn to stand on my own two feet – in fact I feel what I really need to learn is to be interdependent with someone else and not be such an isolationist. Still time will tell…

Something more…

9am Saturday morning. I arrived home from the States on Wednesday morning. I have adjusted well with my body time clock and don’t seem to be suffering any jetlag at all.

But something is at work in my psyche and it is uncomfortable. My solar plexus is flaring up and I feel again unsettled. The whole ‘being alone’ concept has flared up again for me – especially this morning when I woke.

Maybe it is just that I need to get back to work, back into a routine. I’ve had two days since I got home where I’m not doing anything social although I have spoken to people on the phone. I’m having dinner with my best friend tonight. Somehow, suddenly, I feel alone and a bit bereft again.

I really enjoy what I have going with P. It works for both of us. But this morning I realise that it is not enough for me – ultimately I do want a partner who is there on a day to day basis. I do want a man who is committed to me, and I to him. This doesn’t necessarily mean living together or spending all our spare time together. I don’t mind an unconventional relationship – in fact that is probably what I am really looking for if I am honest with myself. When I say I want someone who is there on a day to day basis I mean that in the sense of ‘knowing’ they are in my heart and I am in theirs, daily. Text messages, emails, phone calls perhaps would help. It doesn’t need to be daily physical contact.

I’m still not sure if I could live with someone full-time. I guess it would be worth giving it a try at some stage. It is not the physical presence that I feel I need so much as the emotional presence and connection. There are many ways to communicate and keep in touch these days. Of course there are definite benefits to coming together physically – for sex, for hugs, for kisses and for holding hands. How nice to have someone to help out with the weeding or putting out the rubbish sometimes.

I am at a dangerous place right now I’ve realised. I need to walk the fine line with P between enjoying what we have and acknowledging its rightful place in my life, whilst being careful not to fall in love with him again and start expecting more. I also need to keep myself open to meeting somebody else who can give me what I need and want in a relationship.

You see, with P, there are strong feelings on both sides and our coming together is beautiful on every level. I have no desire to live with him, to see him every day or to be more a part of his life. But I do find I spend a lot of time thinking about him and wanting more contact via email or text or phone. Perhaps it has flared up again at the moment because I am in that limbo between holiday and work. When I am in the thick of things at work I don’t think of him so much. When I was in Arizona I did think of him sometimes but I had plenty of other things going on to occupy my attention. Here I am with four days in between and my thoughts turn naturally to him. I’d like to see him – it is nearly a month now since our last encounter.

I am not in love with him anymore but I do love him. As I love many people. I can’t afford to fall in love with him again for I believe I’ll get badly hurt. I know I am still open to others because I was certainly taking an interest in some of the men in Arizona! If I was truly in love with P I probably wouldn’t have noticed them – but I did

There were actually three men at the conference that I found extremely attractive in one way or the other. This pleased me – I feel I am still ‘available’. The last thing I want is to energetically turn away a potential partner because of my involvement with P. It is a balancing act as I said before. Some people say I should give up P and keep myself completely available for someone else who will commit to me. Maybe… but I am not ready to do that. I get such pleasure and enjoyment from being with P and to be honest I feel I’ve earnt some fun in my life. I’ve lived quite a serious and staid life without much emotional sustenance – love and sex. I feel it is finally my turn to have some fun. I was celibate for seven long years, and they were not happy years either.

I do feel very connected and bonded with P. That will be hard to give up I know. But at some stage I will have to. I don’t think he and I are destined to be partners. Neither of our families knows about our involvement – so it is clandestine in that sense. We are both single and free so we are not hurting or cheating anyone with our involvement. But he will likely never be ready to take a further step with me. It is a bizarre experience to feel so connected to someone but to know they are not the right one to share the rest of my life with. P and I are kindred spirits – two of a kind – with a deep longing for freedom and unconventionality whilst both being utter, total, soppy romantics underneath. I think we both really long for total merging and communion with another and yet are both totally terrified of it at the same time. Can you merge with another and yet remain free?

Long weekend

We have a long weekend coming up. It is going to be a hot one up around the mid to high 30’s (90-100F). I had planned to get in the garden and potter around but it will be way too hot for that. But the thought of three long days at home alone doing nothing much doesn’t appeal either.

So I have been busy contacting people I know to try to arrange some outings. So far I’ve managed to organise one friend for lunch on Monday. No-one else has got back to me or else they are busy. But I am remaining upbeat and chirpy because I am doing my damnedest not to be the pathetic creature who has no one to play with on the weekend.

One of my online friends told me to stop being a hermit, stop retreating from the world. I needed to hear that because it is a natural tendency of mine. And then I get caught up in my thoughts and my emotions and just spiral down from there. I NEED people, I NEED company. Even though I don’t always want it.

I’m not a social animal. I don’t enjoy parties or pubs or anywhere a lot of people gather together. I’m much more interested in small groups or one on one conversations. I’m very shy when I meet new people and only really loosen up with people I know well. I don’t have a wide circle of friends despite efforts to widen my social group. Somehow, for every one that comes in, two seem to go out. Not sure why that is but it has always been this way.

Sometimes I just throw my hands up in the air and say, “hey this is how it is meant to be”. But that is the easy way out. Sure I’ve tried but I need to try harder. I need to be more proactive in seeking social connections. I’m not looking for a partner, just for some new friends. I’ve already met a heap of you here online whom I consider good friends – but you all seem to be in the US or in the UK. I guess catching up with you this weekend is out of the question?

Pensive

So what happens next?

I am learning more about myself again. I am understanding more about what makes me tick. This is a good thing. I like to understand.

Do you believe we have to make sacrifices in our lives? I certainly do. Yet we are never taught that growing up. We live in a society that is told we can have it all if we put in the effort.

We can’t. Nor should we expect to. Western culture is very much about achievement and striving for material success.  Well, that is how I see it.

But there is more to life than material success.

I really don’t know what I’m trying to say tonight. The thoughts that usually flow once I start writing are stuck.

Somehow I have a sense that I am not going to get what I want in life – because I want things that I see others have – such as a fulfilling relationship.

I sometimes feel that a romantic relationship is one thing I have to sacrifice this time round. They are so elusive and problematic for me. Always. It is something I’ve never learnt to do properly – but I feel I’ve never been given a chance to learn. The problems always start immediately – no good times for me. Always straight into the pain and heartbreak. Must be my karma. Bad relationship karma.

So I wonder if they don’t work because I’m not meant to have one? Is there some reason I’m being asked to forego that in my life?

I am confused. I have a need for answers to things. For order and meaning. Then I can adjust. Once I know why I can get on with my life.

New Years Eve

Mid afternoon, New Years Eve. Of course I’m going out tonight – one doesn’t sit home alone at this time of year does one? Well I did for quite a few years, using the excuse (perfectly valid I might add) that I had to stay with my dog who was terrified of the fireworks. But alas, Shadow passed away over a year ago now so I have no such excuse. I am going to a party by the beach, there will be fireworks and bands playing so it might be halfway decent. Yet there is no excitement at the thought. I always find the so called festive season rather depressing with all the emphasis on family and loved ones – it brings home your aloneness. Most of my family lives overseas. I have friends but they are mostly off with their own families. Now I don’t mean to be all depressive. 2007 has been a traumatic year and I’m quite glad to see the end of it! Just with a fairly recent heartbreak this time of year brings little joy with all the ‘might have been’ thoughts that I try to suppress.