I’ve been rather preoccupied lately and obviously haven’t been blogging. I’ve had some lovely emails from people checking I’m ok. Love you all.
I am fine, having my usual ups and downs but mostly ups – and learning so much about myself and about relationships. Am acting manager at work right now too and that is taking a lot of my energies.
Sorry not to have responded to the comments left recently – I plan to remedy this over the upcoming weekend.
Blessings to you all.
Namaste
Zen
For once I’ve lost my urge to blog or write. My usual way of dealing with my world offers no succour right now. I will be back but for now I need to withdraw and lick my wounds. Thank you to all for your support and understanding.
Ok the challenge is on. Enreal and I don’t like the words ‘blog’ or ‘blogging’ very much and want to come up with a better one to describe this beautiful space and this beautiful activity we are engaged in. Journalling is one suggestion. Any others? Some new word would be good. I love inventing new words.
Webbling?
Is it just me or have others noticed that posting and commenting seems to have dropped off recently? I have RSS feeds of my favourite blogs and there aren’t anywhere near as many posts in the last week or so. Commenting on my blog is way down too – although thankyou to those who are still dropping by 
Even I have been a bit quieter than usual. Maybe it is because I have been in a good place this week. I do tend to post more when things aren’t going so well. Writing has always been my way of dealing with lifes ups and downs. I write and therefore process what is happening in my world in some way. Today I am writing.
As you will have seen from the previous post today I am jittery. It is Sunday 1pm. I had plans to be out to lunch and a walk with a girlfriend right now but she is unwell and has postponed until 4pm. Hopefully she’ll be ok by then for us to meet up. I am jittery because I am not seeing P this weekend and don’t know when we will get together again. The jitters have a physical origin.
My other male friend, known as Mr Strawhead (I’ll call him S from now on), came to dinner last night. He was again giving me advice. I ended up telling him off in the end. His advice doesn’t match how he himself behaves. He talks about being honest and not playing games which sounds great in theory. But in the past, when I’ve been honest with him about my needs and desires for him he has gone into game playing behaviour himself. He calls it teasing, I call it patronising! So we had a bit of a row. Well, not really a row, more me telling him off and him sitting there taking it. His own love life is a complete mess where there seems to be little honesty to me. The words are spoken but the actions don’t match the words at all so therefore how honest is it? The woman he is interested in has been stringing him along for 18 months telling him she wants him but only when…. this changes, or that changes, or the other thing happens. They’ve never even kissed… he calls it a platonic affair. I call it bullshit. But I am not one to talk.
It is just he annoyed me last night with his high and mighty attitude. Like there is something pure and noble about his setup because they haven’t given in to lust. But she is playing with him, toying with him, keeping him there with words and promises, then telling him to forget her and go meet someone else. Knowing full well that he won’t do that. So she seems to be so wonderful in his eyes.
And then he tells me to just pick up the phone and ring P and tell him I want him. Be honest he says. Well I did that with S himself a while ago and he went all patronising and disappeared off the scene for a while. Do I want that to happen with P? No I do not. What is it with these men? I’m not saying all are like that because they are not, but there are some men (and women) who delight in these games.
I just want some honesty and clear expectations. I don’t want a commitment (from these two anyway) or a happy ever after ending. I want to be grown up adults who are in touch with their desires and can act on them without needing to self protect so much. I know I do it too. But I need to break out of this behaviour don’t I? I need to stop playing games myself and risk these guys disappearing from my life. It is so easy to say that they are not worth it if that happens. But I have an obsessive streak in my nature that can’t quite let go, not cold turkey anyway.
Anyway I was the one who was non commital with P when he suggested we meet up this weekend. I was acting on advice to play it cool and play hard to get. So I didn’t really respond when he said we should meet. This was last Monday. So it is not surprising that he hasn’t pushed to meet this weekend after all. Here we both are, trying to show how cool and calm about it we are. “Hey babe, that was fun but I’m not all that keen”. And what really annoys me is that I brought this on myself. Ok perhaps if I’d shown more interest he’d have pulled away again but he had made the suggestion to meet and I didn’t respond. I started the game playing again. Maybe it will always be this way between us but perhaps we had a tiny moment there, last Monday, to move beyond it. And I let it slip by untaken.
I hope others are not posting as much because they are out and about with happy lives. I hope others have fun and satisfaction in their personal lives and don’t feel the need to turn to the blog quite so much. Is blogging an addiction? Is a blogger a particular type? There are different types of blogs and different types of people who blog I suspect. Some of you lead similar personal lives to mine, others have happy, settled personal lives. But we all seem to have some points of connection through our interests, our thoughts or our lives.
But I miss you guys when you aren’t around so much. I accept and understand it but I miss you.
Take care one and all.
I posted some Goo Goo Dolls lyrics the other day:
“I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand”
I think we all have part of ourselves that we hide away for fear that others won’t understand us and will reject us. I’ve hidden and repressed parts of myself for years – those socially unacceptable and politically incorrect aspects. I don’t want to be rejected anymore than the next person.
“I just want you to know who I am”
It feels very important to me all of a sudden to just be me. This blog is the place I can show who I am – the good, the bad and the ugly. It is a safe place to express and hopefully not spill poison on anyone else. I want to be me but I don’t want to hurt others in the process.
I am honoured to find those of you here who understand and accept me. Thankyou so much. It feels so good to feel I am not alone in this sometimes lonely world.
If you don’t accept me then that is ok too – it is your choice.
Blessings to you all.
(and for once I’m quoting someone a bit more contemporary than Shakespeare )
Tonight I need to write. Writing is my lifeline, the thing that keeps me sane.
Miss Demure Restraint describes writing as the love of her life.
I feel the same way. If I couldn’t write I wouldn’t survive. Perhaps that is a bit melodramatic
Some people need to talk to deal with their issues. Some use physical activity to get them through. Some paint, sing or dance. Others turn to drugs or other addictions.
Me? I write. Always have done. Always will. It is how I make sense of my world. It is a compulsion. Shelves full of journals pay mute testament to that. I write about emotions. I write thoughts. I write ideas. I write my experiences. I write my reality. I express myself best through the written word. Sometimes I wonder, if I haven’t written it down does it really count? Did it really happen?
I write myself into existence.
I blog therefore I am.
blogito ergo sum…
(Thanks to Baekho who conjugated this for me)
Nectarfizz and Zenuria are proud to announce the arrival of their bouncing baby blog – The Cappy Chronicle. Born at 6:16:05 am UTC on January 8th 2008, another Capricorn enters the family.
This bouncing baby is doing well and has already grown two chapters. Nectarfizz and Zenuria are already experiencing sleepless nights
The Cappy Chronicle (or TCC as N and Z fondly call it) has both sun and moon in Capricorn with Sagittarius rising. Any astrologers are welcome to leave comments on TCC’s chart.
The chart comes courtesy of the Astrodienst website. Check it out – its fantastic.
A friend asked me the other day where the term ‘blog’ came from. I told her it was short for weblog. Then the word play began – web log – we blog … onto Descartes – we blog, therefore we are.
So do we blog to prove we exist? Does the act of blogging prove our existence? If a blog falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?
Anyone know the latin for ‘we blog, therefore we are’?
And what of those non-bloggers out there? Do they really exist or are they figments of our imagination?
If 2007 had a theme for me I believe it was ‘belonging’. Trying to find my place in the world and in life. I came to Australia with my immediate family when I was 5. My relatives are all still in Northern Ireland or in Canada. I grew up without a sense of extended family – just my parents and my brother. I am close to my immediate family but still always had a sense of isolation from my place of birth and ‘clan’. In high school I was part of a large group who hung around together well into our twenties – but even with them I felt an outsider at times – my thinking and interests always seemed different from the others. I’ve spent a great deal of my life feeling out of place in the world, and when I have had a sense of belonging it seems to be ephemeral. I live my life differently to the majority of people – which certainly doesn’t make it a happier life. But I can’t conform to societies expectations even though I do try at times.
At the start of January 2007 I was researching Scotland, where my paternal grandmother was born, trying to locate where her clan (Murray) originated (she, herself, was born in India). Then I spent three months in Darjeeling in the Indian Himalaya, where my dad went to school. I visited his old school, St Paul’s, and went on the toy steam train and located the source of many stories I’ve grown up hearing about. I loved it there but ended up doing much soul searching – in a foggy Himalayan February I was writing in my journal:
“…I wonder just who I am and why do I find myself here? I wish I could dissolve into the fog as the trees and mountains do. But I stand separate, always the observer but not a part of what I observe. I came on a pilgrimmage but my mind slammed shut once I got here. I do not allow myself to let go and seep into my surroundings. Can I live in this moment just existing? I long to strip away the nonessentials yet I cling to them for dear life…”
I spent some time in Tibet which has always felt like a spiritual home to me – and indeed I felt a strong sense of connection with certain places such as Tashilumpo Monastery in Shigatse. But of course I couldn’t stay there.
Returning home I found myself looking for like minded people to connect with. I found myself longing for my ‘group’ – the people with whom I could be myself without any pretenses. I have great friends, some of whom I connect with extremely deeply, but I still find I’m not satisfied. I started a new job where I was one of the few people not incorporated into a team – in previous jobs I’ve been part of a team and I found I miss that. I missed that sense of belonging to a particular group with a common purpose.
Blogging is one way of trying to connect and find where I belong. There are so many brilliant minds out there in cyberspace and I just love reading other people’s thoughts – so often they express exactly what I am thinking and feeling and I feel I belong to this virtual community of like minded souls. I love and adore the internet primarily for its ability to connect people from different cultures, countries, worldviews and communities. People I would never ordinarily come across. So I have found one place to belong to in cyberspace.
Interestingly, now I’ve identified this theme of ‘belonging’, I find that I’m being moved at work into a newly created team, I find also that a new group is starting up soon in my vicinity that brings together people with similar metaphysical views to mine. I love the synchronicity of the universe and how it moves to give us what we need. But ultimately, we stand alone and must look for that sense of belonging within ourselves – belonging to the higher life and purpose that I so firmly believe in. We do all ultimately belong but we just forget a lot of the time.
Recent Comments