Introducing Rajah

I have a new best friend. I adopted him from the animal welfare league shelter yesterday. He is only a puppy – 16 weeks old - NOT what I intended at all. But he just looked at me and we connected…

He’s not a Border Collie either. He is a Koolie X – another working breed I like a lot. He is blue merle and white and has chocolate on him too. I will post photos but my camera batteries need recharging right now. No other dogs at the shelter called out to me – I was suprised too at how few there were – but I hope that is a good sign. Plenty of other people were there adopting dogs the same time as me which is good. I will get Rajah trained a bit more before thinking about a companion for him.

He’s a livewire – and very dominant so my job is cut out for me teaching him who is boss. But he is adorable. Today he is not feeling the best – he’s had diarhoea and vomited up his food – I think he’s adjusting to a different diet and a new home. I’m keeping a close eye on him. He’s not as playful today and is sleeping more but he is drinking water and is not dehydrated. I know one has to keep a close eye on puppies.

Tomorrow I’m back to work so I hope he’ll go ok alone. So far he’s been fine when he’s been left alone in his part of the house – including sleeping there. He barked this morning around 4.30 am but stopped soon enough. He doesn’t seem anxious at sleeping separately or being left alone. (Shadow slept in my room from the start but Rajah is too boisterous and into biting things to let loose in the house at night).

I haven’t slept well – hyperalert like any new mother – and now I’m anxious about his health – I am sure it is just settling in stuff. I probably gave him a few too many treats whilst training him too. He’s a biter and a jumper so I’ve been training that out of him (he is a very quick learner) and house training him too. This is one smart dog and I will take him to puppy preschool and then obedience classes. He’s still got one lot of vaccinations to go in a months time and then he’s safe to be with other dogs and go for walks etc.

But I am in love again

Busy mind

This morning the jitters started. I still have a week in my current job, another 7 days until I start my new job but the jitters hit this morning. Finally, I think it is sinking in that I am leaving here and going elsewhere.

I had my official farewell party last Friday (some of the team are on leave this week so that was the last day everyone would be here). Those that are here will have another unofficial send off for me at the pub this Friday. I had some lovely comments written in my card by the guys I was given a magnificent coffee table book about India and a 2009 month by month guide for Capricorns! They know me well.

Yesterday I bought two dog leads, two dog cushions, some tennis balls and a frisbee. My friend gave me two dog bowls. I’m getting closer to dogdom. Not ready yet due to lack of fences but am gradually accumulating what I need. Investigating dog doors and storage units for all my paints and art gear (I DO NOT want curious canines eating potentially lethal oil and acrylic paints).

Had a fabulous massage on Saturday afternoon. My shoulder muscles are all knotted together it seems and my capulas are winging (I think that is what she said). They need more work but it certainly started things loosening. I’ve been applying heat to them in the evenings (thank god it’s cooled down outside!) And I am sleeping better the last two nights – still waking up after two hours but going back to sleep pretty quickly. Thanks for all the ideas people gave me.

And I just cannot get away from a particular name. P. The guy who came to give me quotes on fences and paving is called P. Then I watched a movie and really liked one of the actors who also turns out to be called P. The Director of the unit I work in is also P. Ok, it is a common male name but puhlease… is every single one of them to be brought to my notice? Where are all the Xavier’s and Aloysius’?

I ate breakfast out yesterday with my best friend. I tried something that sounded weird to me but turned out to be delicious. French toast, bacon, banana and maple syrup (yes all layered up together). I was a bit doubtful but I do love French toast. Oh my god, it was superb! The salty bacon cut the sweetness just to the right degree. I do like maple syrup but can only take so much of it as it is so sweet. I’ve only ever had maple syrup on pancakes before.

I wish I had a week or so off in between jobs – I have so much running around I want to do at the moment – to get ready for the dogs. Another massage would be great too. But I only have the weekend in between one and the next. I am feeling less tired now though – I think I am finally getting enough sleep again.

My mind is currently flying in many different directions all at once. Dog doors, fences, paving, general dog proofing, storage units, new job, clothes for new job, upcoming birthday party for a friend on the weekend, P, work, dog accessories (where will they sleep, what will they sleep on, choker chains, collars, leads, harnesses etc), not to mention what I need to finish off and tidy up here in this job before I leave.

After a time of limbo when everything seemed fixed and stuck, suddenly I have plunged into activity and planning, getting myself organised for the next phase of life. New job, new dogs coming… life will not be the same.

Discipline and dogs

Scrolling down the front page of my blog all I see are posts indicating how self absorbed I am. All of 2009 so far has seen me struggling with my usual demons. Do you know something else? 2009 has seen a great slip in my usual disciplines – especially lately. I think there is a definite link. I think that is also why I have been battling depression again.

My daily walk has slipped a fair bit lately. I tell myself it is because of the heat but I’ve walked through summer heat before. I’ve had the habit of walking every day since I first got Shadow in 1995. Over 13 years of daily walks. I got particularly serious about it after my sojourn in India in 2007. Living for three months in the Himalayan foothills of the Darjeeling region, I had to walk up and down very steep hills several times a day to get to the school and computer centre where I was working. My fitness increased amazingly. I decided to keep it up when I got home and have done so. Lately though, it has been more sporadic and certainly not daily.

Then there is daily meditation. 2008 saw me committed to meditating every day and I stuck to this. Somehow that has now gone by the wayside too. Interestingly, it is since I did the Vipassana course in December that my commitment has slipped. Probably because I was on holiday, it was Christmas, I visited my brother in Tasmania and just got lazy about it. And yet I know the meditation helped me.

Even my eating has seen a slide into unhealthiness. I’ve eaten reasonably healthily for two years (prior to that I was shocking!) with lots of fruit and vegetables and water. Again, lately, I have been going to the dark side of chocolate, icecream and cake!

And look what my mood has been doing? Down the gurgler along with all my disciplines. I think I need these daily rhythms and routines to keep my mental health balanced. They counteract depression and negativity. So I am now recommitting myself to healthy daily routines. I have already started walking again each day (and it has been cooler weather which also helps). The meditation is starting up again slowly – not the full hour I was doing, but ten minutes here and there. Still need to tackle the eating part though

The other thing I’ve been thinking is that it is maybe time to adopt one or two dogs. Shadow has been gone nearly two and a half years now and I didn’t anticipate being dog-free this long. I keep making excuses for not getting more pets – “my lifestyle doesn’t suit it right now”; “I’m not sure about work so how can I afford dogs?” “I like to travel and that precludes a doggy lifestyle”. But in reality I think it is fear. That sort of fear that stops us from having the good things in life because we are scared they’ll be taken away from us. Shadow lived to be 13 – a good age for a Border Collie x German Shepherd. But there were a lot of times I worried over her, when she was ill or getting older. I coped ok with her death as she was at the end of her natural life. But my fear was always that I wouldn’t be with her at the end. Luckily I was, I am so grateful for that. It was a very real fear to me and I wonder if I don’t want to face that all over again. I also fear a pet dying young through accident or illness.

My fears are not really justified. They are not really rational. These things can’t be controlled, only avoided. I think I am scared to love in case I lose the one/s I love. This translates into my relationships too – why I have always been a commitment phobe and attract commitment phobic men. This is surely P’s underlying issue – he’s been badly hurt twice and can’t risk another time. I can see that reflected in myself now with my attitude toward dog adoption of all things. I can take a risk or I can avoid it and lose out in the process.

I am totally a dog person. I adore the creatures. I always say hello to dogs I meet and pat them if allowed. I yearn for canine companionship. And what better to keep my daily walk motivation going? I am totally committed to my pet when I have one – no excuses for not going for a walk – Shadow was walked every day of her life once she was with me. In her younger days we went walking three times a day. And the affection and unconditional love a dog gives to it’s owner is beautiful. I think my feelings of loneliness are enhanced by not having a dog to come home to. I loved being a dog owner.

I need to get fences put up and have some paving put down by the gate where it is uneven (and enterprising dogs may slip out underneath or dig their way out). I want Border Collies – my favourite breed. I want two so they are company for each other when I am out at work. I want to train them as they are such smart creatures. I’ll happily walk them twice a day. I have some lovely areas near home to take them for long rambles on weekends.

Hopefully I’ll know fairly soon about my work future (for at least the next year) and then it will be all systems go to getting organised for the expansion of my family. I think I’ve put it off long enough.

So there you go – another self absorbed post

What now?

Here we are on the third day of 2009. I am still in Tasmania staying with my brother and sister-in-law. I feel strangely disconnected from the world.

Partly, and probably mostly, this is because I have had to resort to taking antihistamines as I am terribly allergic to their two beautiful cats. This has tended to zonk me out somewhat. I sympathise with asthmatics – the feeling of not being able to breathe and wheezing all night is not pleasant. I do suffer hayfever some years but this has been worse.

Secondly, I don’t quite know where I fit in my world anymore. Next week I go back to work to my boring job. I haven’t got into a routine of daily vipassana meditation whilst on holiday and hope to establish it when home again. I miss the retreat – the sense of community and the structured existence where everything is laid out for you (I never would have thought I would go for something like that! I normally hate routine and structure). I am not alone here staying with my relatives, but I don’t belong here -  I am just a visitor. I am participating in someone else’s life for a while.

What will my life be like in 2009? I hope it will see some significant changes as I have not been satisfied with my lifestyle ever. Most of all I want to share it with someone special – you all know that about me by now. I felt so alone the other day that I let out a spontaneous prayer – please, please send me someone to share my life with. Not because I deserve it or have earnt it or have a right to it. Just because it can be such a beautiful thing. I asked for it as an act of grace rather than demanding or begging as I’ve done in the past. We’ll see what happens.

Work. I need something more meaningful and stimulating. I never seem to find what I crave in the 9-5 office working world. Creativity is not exactly highly regarded in most of the jobs I find myself in. What do I do next? Keep an eye out for other jobs but to what end? To merely postpone the feelings that will inevitably surface again? Or can I find something truly meaningful? I still hope to become involved in documentary and feature film making one day but it isn’t something one can just do from one day to the next. Is it? I still want very much to write Floria Aemilia’s story and make it into a film. Friends and I have plans to film a documentary of our trip to Nepal to visit a Buddhist nunnery but that will be later this year or early next year. In the meantime what do I do with my days?

Pets. I miss having a dog around the place. I loved coming home to Shadow in the past. I adore dogs and really do want to share my life with dogs again. But my lifestyle is a bit too busy with a fair bit of travelling these days. How do I reconcile that with having pets? I don’t believe in shoving dogs in the back yard and leaving them alone – I see them as family members that I want to interact with as much as possible. But if I do that do I miss out on socialising and hobbies and travel? Catch 22.

Ideally, I’d have a partner living with me with whom I could share the dogs. Someone could be there with them as the load wouldn’t always fall on me. Plus dogs are expensive and a second income would make a huge difference to paying off the mortgage too. I’d like to think that on the 3rd January 2010 I am writing about my wonderful partner, pets and job. Can 2009 be the year where I finally turn things around?

I must dedicate myself more to the Vipassana meditation. It teaches detachment from craving and aversion and to accept NOW. Accept things as they are not as I want them to be. That must really be my focus in  2009 I think. That is the only thing I have any control over at the end of the day – my reaction to my life and circumstances.

I just want the things most people want. I never seem to get them. It is all a learning and growing process, I know and understand that. I also know that on some level I bring it all on myself. So I must learn to accept it.

Goodbye Aggie

Today I am very sad. I am near in tears.

My best friend, O, has a heartrending task to perform today. Her eldest dog, Aggie, has reached the end of the line and at 10.50 this morning she will be making her last trip to the vet. We’ve known for a while the end was on its way and O had already made an appointment for tonight after work. But she rang me this morning at 7am to say that Aggie had deteriorated so much overnight that she couldn’t wait until then.

Yesterday my landline rang at 7am then stopped. When I checked to see who had called it told me it was a private number. That meant either my parents or O. I figured my parents would still be asleep and would ring back if they needed me. So I texted O to see if she’d rung and if everything was ok.

O hadn’t rung me, but at the time I got the call she was just realising that the time had come for Aggie. And she needed to talk so I rang her. She hadn’t wanted to call me when I was getting ready for work.  I never did find out who that anonymous call was from – but I like to think it was a prompt for me to contact O when she needed me.

Nearly two years ago, I unexpectedly took Shadow to the vet at 2am for her last trip. Around 9am O rang and her first words were, ‘what’s wrong – is Shadow ok?’. We seem to have a psychic link between us particularly relating to our dogs.

Aggie’s deterioration has brought back all those memories of Shadow’s last weeks. I’ve been teary since yesterday morning when we spoke. I still miss my girl incredibly at times. It will be two years on Sept 30th and I still can be reduced to tears thinking about her. It isn’t something we ever really get over is it – we learn to accept and go on, but we never really are the same after the death of a beloved pet.

So I sit here sending all the love I can to O and to Aggie and to her other dog, Toby, who is going to be pretty confused and lonely for a while as he adjusts to life without Aggie (who also happens to be his biological mother). I will leave work as early as I can to go to see O and spend the evening with her. I can tell you many, many tears will be shed today and tonight.

Bless you Aggie, you are a beautiful girl and I hope you will be happy wherever you go. And not suffering anymore.

Isle of dogs…

You all know by now I am a dog fanatic I’m sure. On the Isle of Pines there were masses of local dogs. The ones I saw seemed to be in relatively good condition and they were certainly a happy lot playing in the sea. I had a ball watching them enjoy themselves.

Smile

The end of another long weekend. No more now until October.

On Saturday I went with my best friend to see Norm’s Coolies, an hour’s drive out into the wine country. Norm is a farmer who breeds his own breed of dog that he calls Coolies. He and his dogs put on demonstrations of obedience and agility – rounding up sheep etc. My friend and I had wanted to go and see this show for a long time.

Norm must be in his 80s I reckon. A real old style guy – a bit chauvinistic and old fashioned but one hell of a flirt! He flirted with me from the moment I got to the gate. When I’d rung to enquire about costs he’d told me he’d let me in for free if I was good looking. When I reminded him of this at the gate he laughed and said he’d been worrying about it ever since as he couldn’t afford it. I laughed, paid the money and said, “well you can just tell me I’m ugly after all”. In true flirty, gentlemanly fashion he said, “oh but you are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen”

He continued to flirt with me all through the show – commenting on my red hair and laugh, putting his arm around me and my friend. He asked if I was married and I said “no, are you?” He then said those words that are so appropriate in my life – “I’m single but I’m not available!!” (Oi – story of my life) After the show he wanted a hug and kissed me on each cheek. He said he loved having young people at his show. Young people – my friend and I are in our 40s!!

Anyway everyone else left, and my friend went off to the toilet and I waited for her patting the dogs. Norm came up to me and said in quite a serious tone, “you know you really have a very beautiful smile – you look after that”. I was gobsmacked but pleased. I’d thought it was all banter and fun but he really did appreciate my smile. I was actually really touched. It is nice to hear those sorts of things. I remember about 20 years ago getting in a lift and smiling at a much older man who also commented on my smile. Why is it only older men appreciate things like that?

Sunday, I spent the day in the opposite direction at the beach with another friend. We went for a very long walk along the beach. It was a cold, grey brisk day with quite a breeze – great for striding out beside the cliffs. We called in to see some of her friends, had a pub meal and enjoyed our day out.

Monday, today, another friend came round to my place for lunch. She hasn’t been here before. We caught up on a lot of news and views and went for a walk around the area.

I’ve had a busy weekend, and I’ve tried to keep my thoughts away from P and his camping trip. The beach yesterday did remind me of him as it was by the sea and it was the sort of weather he’d enjoy too. But I’m trying to keep my thoughts from heading down that path. Instead I am focussing on ‘Tom’. Who is Tom, you might ask?

Tom is the name I’ve given to the man I sometimes have a sense of. Friends of mine have ’seen’ him too. He is the man I’ve yet to meet but who will be the best yet. He was around at the end of last year then he disappeared for months. The last four or five days he’s come back. I don’t know why, but I have a sense of grey eyes and otherwise I associate the colour brown with him. Brown hair, brown clothes… not sure. Not brown skin I don’t think (although I wouldn’t mind!) And I feel he has a lock of hair on his forehead that just does its own thing all the time and can’t be tamed. He also has a twinkle or sparkle in his eyes. If you see him around send him over to Karma Web

Maybe it isn’t healthy, but as an interim stage I am thinking of him whenever my thoughts turn to P. That’s why I named him – it is easier to conjure someone up by name than by ‘feel’. Then once I have weened my mind off P and onto Tom then perhaps I can let go of Tom too.

I know I am mad – a complete lunatic!

Tom, Tom wherefore art though Tom?

Kiwi dogs

Another thing I love about New Zealand? They really appreciate the role that dogs have played in their development. I loved this little dog house by the side of the road – away from any farm buildings – just sitting there at the cross roads. This was on the road to Lake Coleridge – not far from the red barn in the previous post. 

This wasn’t the only isolated dog home I saw in my travels either. I chuckled at the signpost ‘Dog Kennel Corner’ further south, just beyond Burkes Pass. Dogs are very important in the history of the area – they are invaluable in farming the region and controlling the sheep. There is a monument to the dogs of the area at Lake Tekapo in recognition of their contribution.

This memorial to the sheepdog was erected in 1968. The dog looks out over the magnificent turquoise lake toward Aoraki/Mt Cook. As anyone reading this blog regularly will know by now, I am a huge fan of the working dog breeds – and most especially the Border Collie. I love their intelligence and curiousity, their affection and loyalty. Plus they are gorgeous looking dogs too. I met quite a few dogs on my trips through New Zealand in 2004.

Border Collies

I’ve just got back from my evening walk. I met a woman walking her two Border Collies and stopped to chat with her and play with the dogs for nearly an hour. I just adore that breed – it is my all time favourite. Shadow, my faithful friend who died 16 months ago, was a Border Collie crossed with a German Shepherd. I’ve been thinking lately it is nearly time to get another dog (or two). I’ve been thinking of Border Collies but know how active and intelligent they are. They need a lot of attention and mental stimulation or they get bored (sounds like me!). I just lit up playing with these two. The owner reassured me that you can successfully keep a couple of Borders in an average yard whilst you are working all day. She has done it for years. I think the key is to have two dogs so they can keep each other amused and entertained.

I realise now that part of my loneliness lately has been the lack of a canine companion. After Shadow died I went to India for three months and there were loads of dogs there and I made friends with many of them – particularly Bruno, a German Shepherd who lived in the same place as me. When I returned to Australia I spent two months housesitting with three dogs – a German Shepherd, a Staffy x Bulldog, and a Chihuahua x Whippet! I am always going up to dogs on my walks and making friends where possible. I think I need a dog in my life. I need that companionship, affection and unconditional adoration. Dogs make me clucky and maternal in a way babies never have

I am spending a few weeks in America in late April/early May. So my game plan is to wait until then (only three more months) and then get a couple of Border Collies. I miss having a dog so much and am really starting to feel ready for another doggy companion or two. Roll on May! Woof.

Shadow

Today I find myself reminiscing about Shadow, my beautiful dog who died 15 months ago (I can’t believe its that long!). Shadow was a female cross between a German Shepherd and a Border Collie and a real character. She was my companion for 11 years after I rescued her from the pound as a two year old. She lived a long and happy life and I am very grateful that she lived out her alloted span of approximately 13 years. I never knew exactly how old she was but I gave her a birthday on the 4th October as that was the day I got her. She died on September 30th just short of her 13th birthday. I was so glad to be with her at the end – it was something I’d always wanted and worried about her dying alone.

I miss her still, but I am at peace with the idea of her passing because, as I said, it was the end of her natural life span. But I still get many chuckles from remembering her antics I remember:

• Every time I tried to water the garden, Shadow would be out there ‘helping’ by playing with the sprinkler head until it came off the hose. She would get so excited as she hunkered on her haunches, chin resting on the water outlet giving little growls and yips of pure pleasure.
• She liked to rearrange my ornaments while I was out – I’d come home to find a photo of my grandparents placed ever so carefully on my pillow (not a tooth mark to be seen) or an elephant statue placed by her dog door.
• A not so amusing habit of Shadow’s was that of burying meaty bones down the back of the lounge suite – something I’d only discover when the smell started to ripen.
• Her dancing backwards in front of me when we went for walks – herding me like a sheep – and if there was a stone in sight I had to kick it for her to chase.
• Waking once to find her lying on the bed with her head on the other pillow looking directly at me. As soon as she saw I was awake the tail started thumping against the bedcovers.
• The squeals of excitement and the enthusiastic welcome every single time I came home.

I have 11 years worth of Shadow moments to remember and get pleasure from. She was a real personality – everyone loved her. For many years she was my only companion and I think I relied on her too much for affection and love – things I should really have looked for in other humans. She carried the burden of my loneliness a lot of the time but she did it unflinchingly, willingly and with great love. I adore dogs and their ability to love unconditionally and forgive us every time we do the wrong thing by them. Dogs know how to be in the moment and squeeze every ounce of enjoyment from everything they do. It might sound trite but I think we can learn a lot from a dog’s attitude to life.

I believe in reincarnation so I am hoping she’ll come back to me at some stage – when I’m ready to have another canine companion. I feel very blessed to have had such a wonderful playmate to keep me company along part of my journey. All you dog lovers out there will understand what I mean.