Distraction

10 10 2008

I’ve never thought of writing as distraction before but it is dawning on me now that it may be exactly that in my case. It has always helped me make sense of my world but I have to admit that I step outside of things and observe them when I write.

This time I think I have to try to stop from distracting. I need to surrender into whatever is coming up for me – mentally, emotionally or physically – and let it flow through me. I have many thoughts and emotions coming up right now. I have aches in my back around the shoulder blades where I always carry tension and emotion.

The way I’ve been living my life does not work for me or give me the outcomes I want. I have to do things differently and that also includes not doing certain things. Like distracting myself instead of facing what is coming up for me head on. I’m realising the extent to which I’ve lied to myself. I’ve been living in denial.

I am not beating myself up about this – just accepting it. I have a quiet motivation to try to live differently – it isn’t a ‘raring to go’ enthusiasm but more of an acceptance that I have to just go through this to come out the other side into the sun again.

My sadness is deep but I also have that sense of empowerment from making the decision and saying the words to end things. This is a first. I’ve let things fizzle out in the past without any real closure.

I wanted to say what is going on for me. I may or may not blog much in the near future. We will see. But I can’t use it to distract myself whenever things get rough as I usually do. If I’m not here I’ll be sitting gazing out my window at the trees and the birds. Dealing with things. Quietly.





Finding my way…

11 06 2008

I might be almost at the point of resignation. I think that comes before acceptance and surrender. I’m feeling emotionally drained. I can’t do this.

I don’t want to think what to do next.

Last night our meditation/study group met for the first time since the facilitators left for NZ. Two of our group couldn’t make it so there were just three of us. I suddenly realised the level of the expectations these two others have of me. They seem to expect me to take over running the class the way the facilitators did. I’d thought I’d made it clear I just can’t do this as I work fulltime. The facilitators were a retired couple with plenty of time and they had each other for support. I cannot do what they did. One of the participants is very demanding and is always pointing out her needs. She always has done this only now it will be directed at me. I ran a short meditation and she wasn’t completely happy with that either. I feel very disheartened.

I drove home to my cold, dark house and just cried. I wished so much that there was someone there to welcome me home, hug me and ask how it went. Maybe say, “sit down and I’ll make you a cuppa.” I stood by the fire hugging a cushion and pretending I was crying on “Tom’s” shoulder while he told me it would be ok. Does that sound silly? Am I losing the plot?

Ok I’ll add there may be hormonal reasons for some of this excess emotion. If so, it may pass soon. I hope so.

Does one just accept their life as it is and be as grateful as possible? Does one surrender to the possibility of always being alone, always being in a job that doesn’t fit, never having support, always feeling excluded?

Or does one visualise and act as if and all those other things? Does one refuse to give up or does one just let go? Some things you just cannot control no matter what you do. When other people are involved there is nothing that can be done. So there, one has to accept what is.

There must be a middle way – isn’t there always? Not one extreme or the other, but a way to find the path between the opposites. What is the middle path between acceptance and surrender on one hand and determination and effort on the other? One is passive, the other active. My friend said to me that I TRY too much and to just let it go.

The icing on the cake? Still haven’t heard a word from P in two weeks now. I tell myself I don’t care but I do. I tell myself it doesn’t matter, but it does. It isn’t him I yearn for, but what he represents. He is the closest I have at this time to a partner – a lover. A very part-time one. One I am not ready to give up just yet. I do wish “Tom” would turn up.





Emotional nourishment

10 06 2008

I indulged myself last night and watched ‘The English Patient’ on dvd. I love that film.

It fed me. It nourished me. It is a way for my deep, dark emotions to come out and play for a while. They  relate and respond to the unfolding drama. Just finally accepting that this is a basic need for me makes me feel so much better somehow.

I felt good after the movie which was a pleasant outcome. I did cry of course, but not as much as I usually do. Often after this sort of film I’m left craving that passion and intensity in my own life. For the first time I could watch the intense love and sex scenes and know, through direct experience, what that passion is like (thanks, P). Instead of yearning after it, I could identify and go ‘yes’! That was actually very healing for me.

I tend to steer clear of watching these intense and tragic films too often because they can take me over in some way – affect my moods and thoughts. Last night I was under control – not possessed by the story. I must admit to a bit of confusion over the place of my deep, dark emotions. Sometimes they don’t seem particularly ’spiritual’ or dedicated to the highest good.  But then I figure I was born with this set of emotions and they are there for a reason. And I think part of the reason is that I need to use them to tell stories.

Every time I watch a movie like The English Patient, I just feel deep in my soul that I should be doing things like that. Telling stories of emotion and passion but also of redemption and healing and higher things.

I had the urge to put my deep emotions into some story form again. I’ve wanted to be a writer for a very long time. That took over from the youngster who wanted to be an actor. Finding a way to express these deeper parts of myself not just through a relationship but through my work is becoming very important to me.

My favourite films are the tragic deep ones that I can lose myself in – The English Patient, Moulin Rouge, Shakespeare in Love, Titanic. Common theme – intense passion, ultimately thwarted.  I  realised last night that I don’t need to take that on as the theme for my own relationships – which is what I’ve tended to do of course. Just because I love and relate to the emotion in these movies, doesn’t mean I need to act them out in my own life. If I can channel that intensity into a creative endeavour then I can free myself to have the good, committed relationship without the unhappy ending.  I’d never thought of it like that before. And, as an example of a happy ending – I love The Lord of the Rings trilogy and that ends happily for Aragorn and Arwen, and for Eowyn and Faramir. Happy couples. Not without their share of sorrow and tragedy along the way mind you! So a happy ever after ending is possible.

Grace, at the Wild Pomegranate, wrote about following your bliss. I asked her how to find your bliss. She replied, in part, “What it is that you do that – when you do it – you totally lose track of time and yourself in the process?”

I’ve looked at that idea several times over the past year. I made a list:

  • deep in a good book that I never want to end
  • watching a good movie (I love it when you come out of the movie theatre and are still ‘in’ the world of the film and you look around and go ‘where am I?’ In fact I sometimes would come out of the movie theatre thinking I WAS the main character and would be seeing things through her eyes. That is why I love going to the movies by myself – being with someone else just intrudes on that feeling)
  • drawing/painting a watercolour picture of Aoraki/Mt Cook in NZ by the side of the Hooker trail
  • creating an animated video/CDROM on a topic of great interest to me
  • spending one Easter designing and painting celtic mandalas
  • creating the reflections series of digital artworks from my photography
  • downloading and editing video footage of India, Nepal and Tibet
  • writing emotional content or on topics of interest to me – via blogging, journalling, essays or in story form

The key with the ‘active’ tasks was they were creative but focussing in on detail and problem solving. And all of these occasions involved creativity and visualisation and imagination. That’s where my bliss is.

Again I am wondering if I should do some sort of screenwriting course so I can actually develop a proper script/screenplay. Screenwriting and directing are areas that appeal to me.

I’m not just talking about making films here. My scope includes multimedia in all forms. And I’ve never ruled out the idea of writing a novel (I’ve one I’ve been working on since 2000).





My Scorpio Moon

6 06 2008

In astrology, the moon represents your mother, your roots, your basic needs and emotions. It also represents how you nurture others. It is the storehouse of your karmic past and links you to your ancestors and past lives. It represents your deepest need. Where it is placed in the chart gives much information about all of these things.

At the time of my birth, the Moon was in the constellation of Scorpio. It is placed in my third house – the house dealing with communication.

Today I woke up thinking about my moon placement, especially after my meltdown yesterday. It was quite clear to me on awaking that the moon represents my deepest need. And for me, with the moon in Scorpio in the third house my deepest need might be expressed as:

I need emotional passion and intensity and won’t be satisfied or fulfilled with anything less. I need to explore the extreme depths of my emotions and share and communicate about them.

It’s a bit like a mission statement. My extreme frustration at times comes from the very fact that I am not able to do this as much as I need. It is a basic fundamental need in me. And it needs to find an outlet in all areas of my life – not just one on one with a man.

About.com astrology says: In work and romance, they’ll need many outlets for that reservoir of emotional intensity.

Scorpio moon can be very possessive, jealous, obsessive and vengeful. I have seen this side of my nature in the past – in one relationship in particular. The person I became scared me so much that I avoided relationships after that for seven years. I will admit to having a very obsessive streak in my nature. I am working very hard now to keep this side under control. This is the very depth of emotion I am talking about – it can be dark and nasty. I don’t want to express that side actively in my life now, but I do need to acknowledge it is there and not repress it.

We Scorpio moons go to extremes. I very rarely fall in love. I very rarely am even interested in someone romantically. But when I am, boom! And when they don’t – can’t – love me back the way I love them I can fall into deep despondency. Perhaps I need to team up with a fellow Scorpio moon partner.

I probably should be working in a more Scorpionic career to allow for the outlet of this intensity. Psychologist, physician, actor, detective, psychiatrist, spiritualist, military officer. The work I have enjoyed the most involved problem solving (investigation) – gathering all the facts, working out what has gone wrong, and finding the solution. I was very good at that too. That is the only kind of detail work I enjoy – when it means fixing something that isn’t right or finding a (better) way to do something. Boring, routine work is like a living death for me. That may sound overdramatic but hey, I am a scorpio moon after all – we feel things intensely.

My childhood dream was to become an actor. At primary school I was always writing and starring in classroom plays. I believe I was quite good too. My mother used to die of embarrassment when I played the nagging wife/mother as she thought everyone would think I was copying her. I wasn’t. She wasn’t like that at all. But I just instinctively knew how to play it. My acting ambitions were put to bed when I was bullied just prior to entering my teens. I lost all confidence and, whilst I was in a few plays through high school, I never took on any lead and just wanted to blend into the background and not be centre stage. Although part of me still craved it of course.

I think it is a bit too late for me to take Hollywood by storm now :-) I can tell you though; I would have been a dramatic actor – no comedy for me. I would have chosen films like ‘The English Patient’, deep, dark, intense and ultimately tragic.

My main outlet has always been journaling. I love to write. I write my emotions. I write my experiences. I write my thoughts. The scorpio moon is scared of the intensity of their experience and tries to hide it – but it needs an outlet. Mine has always been writing. But with the third house placement I have a need to communicate my experience too – and be accepted for it. Thank goodness for blogging. I have to stay anonymous on here because I am a secretive scorpio moon, but I need to let it all out and not be judged or condemned. And thank you to you all for being so supportive and understanding. It heals me deeply each time one of you comments and shows me you accept me. It wasn’t enough to just write in my private journals (which I would die sooner than have my family and friends read) because communication needs reciprocal action. Give and take. To and fro, back and forth. And you, my friends, give me that. I am eternally grateful. I did use to daydream about my journals being published one day, long after my death.

I write short stories sometimes and even they have deep, dark themes. Death, birth, imprisonment.

I do experience deep emotional intensity when P and I make love – we communicate on a non verbal level. But it isn’t matched by our words and actions outside of the bedroom – he keeps me at arms length and I respond to that by keeping him at arms length too. I don’t want to – but a Scorpio Moon is not going to make her feelings known unless she senses they are reciprocated, and even then she’ll wait for him to speak first. And there is an element of pride in there too – I don’t want to admit I have deeper feelings than he does. The thing is, a Scorpio moon probably always has deeper feelings than their partner unless they also have a similar theme in their chart.

Secrecy is a very scorpionic key word. My relationships have always had a secretive element to them for one reason or another. Never out in the open in the plain light of day where everyone can see. The secrecy adds excitement for a while, but ultimately it is a strain. Scorpio moon needs to find a safe place to just let loose, let go and not try to hide the depths all the time. I have spent a lifetime bottling things up and that has led to depression. Now I long for things to be out in the light of day; relationships and emotions. In a safe environment of course.

Everyone has different needs, represented by their moon. Unless those deepest needs are met in some area of life, great strain and frustration seems to be felt. Scorpio moons never do it easy anyway; always there seem to be blocks and obstacles in the way. And everything is magnified and intensified by the scorpio energy.

Not everyone accepts astrology and that is fine by me. But for me it explains so much about myself and hence I can understand what is going on. It is investigative and psychological in approach and that is a big part of why I love it so much. Scorpio is the sign of tests and of self growth. It is a hard sign to deal with, but it can bring great rewards if one perseveres and learns the lessons.

I find the following description of a Scorpio Moon rather beautiful so I wanted to include a part of it here.

To understand the depth of the Scorpio Moon person, sit and gaze upon a candle light and imagine the flame as the flame that burns within the pit of your Soul.

The flame is hypnotic; it draws you deeply into a trance. Going deeper and deeper. You feel the power and heat. You marvel at the simple beauty and grace as it transforms its shape.

This is the power of the Scorpio Moon person. Strength, beauty, grace and the Power to create or destroy. But, like the candle flame, you can’t touch them.





I feel

4 04 2008

I feel trapped in my body. My soul wants to soar, free as a bird, but remains earthbound, anchored by this flesh and bone.

I feel the urge to write and exorcise this feeling within me of restlessness but for once nothing will come. I very rarely have writers block. Today it strikes me.

I feel strange in mood. Discontent – in that sense of wanting more of the spiritual life than I have currently attained.

I feel tired and weary after a busy week at work and more socialising than I am used to. I’ve just run out of steam.

I feel myself developing and learning but as always with this process there are growing pains.

I feel restricted by my emotional fluctuations even if they are related to an exciting development in my life.

I feel as if I would like to just feel – lost in sensuous and sensual sensations without the interference of my mind.

I feel I would like to fly away from daily life and just live in a state of beingness, experiencing pure energies with no contradictions.

I feel as if I could sleep for a week, lost in that wonderful world of dreams that seems so real and so meaningful.

I feel empty and hollow, waiting to be filled up with light and love and purpose.





What am I doing?

30 03 2008

Here I am again.

Not unhappy. Not sad. But emotions in turmoil.

Jittery, can’t seem to sit still.

Was seeing a girlfriend today but she cancelled due to illness.

And so I am left pacing up and down.

The hard-won emotional tranquillity I’d achieved.

Gone.

My own fault. I need to learn to keep calm

Regardless of what goes on around me.

External circumstances

How I’d love to move beyond their ability to dictate my mood.

I am full of jitters. Full of desire.

But alone for the moment.

Why? Why do I allow myself to get into these situations?

Is it because of the obsessive streak in my nature?

Attracting unhealthy circumstances.

The happy ever after scenario

Has never really appealed to me

Oh no, I always went for the star crossed lovers

Romeo and Juliet

Ah the ultimate in romance, the ultimate in love

I would die for you…

Nothing realistic and healthy about that.

Do I even want healthy?

That is the real problem. Part of me doesn’t

Part of me revels in the difficulties of love

I don’t think I am destined

For a happy ever after ending…





Epiphany

26 02 2008

I have had a realisation. I am currently experiencing emotional tranquillity. This is a total revelation to me because, as I said in yesterday’s post, I am used to either feeling up or down. In the past, if I’ve not felt ‘up’ I’ve automatically assumed I was ‘down’, and then proceeded to back that up with all sorts of appropriately non-positive thoughts.

Right now, emotionally, I am not up or down. I just am. I’m so glad I’ve finally experienced this state. I’m so glad I’ve finally recognised this state. I could get very used to this calm. It is actually what I strive for – a calm, tranquil emotional body.

I have been doing more intensive meditation for the past two weeks and I think it is paying off.

Now I just have to work more on stilling the mind! It needs to be tranquil, calm and at peace too. Instead it is usually extremely busy darting all over the place and replaying the same old ‘movies’ over and over. I am getting better at catching all of those random and habitual thoughts and letting them go but they do sneak in unawares still. Especially when it comes to the whole subject of love and relationships. Boy, can I rehash that stuff over and over ad nauseum! I’m trying to move it way down the list of results when my brain googles my mind to find something to think about. ;-)





Taming the wild beasts

29 01 2008

I just know that there is an ocean full of joy, wonder and delight inside me. I tap into it sometimes – particularly when I am out of doors in a beautiful, natural spot. I feel it often on my evening walk. It surrounds me when I am amongst mighty mountains. Driving along with the wind in my hair through beautiful scenery stirs my heart and soul. Watching birds and animals thrills me and the tiniest detail of light or texture can entrance me.

I just don’t understand why I can’t access that joy, wonder and delight all the time. I seem to get caught up in negativity and moodiness and they tend to take over control of my reactions to things around me. I don’t like that and I do want to master this tendency. Is it in my nature to be a depressive? A moody type? Is it my brain chemistry that leads me to be this way? I know my thoughts can spiral around endlessly in a downward trend. Why can’t they spiral upward instead?

Is happiness a learnt trait? Why do some people seem born with it and others not? I was an extremely happy child by all accounts. I had a few events in my early youth that impacted on me (around age 11-12). Of course that was also just as puberty was kicking in and the hormone factory firing up. I know hormones play a huge role in mood – ask any woman! From a joyful child I turned into a moody teenager and then a broody, depressive adult.

I refuse to accept that we are to be at the mercy of our hormones and other chemicals. True happiness comes from beyond the physical body and brain. True joy is independent of external circumstances. I am determined to reach this state but seem to sabotage myself over and over. It is all a chance to learn and to recognise what is going on and let it go.

My lower mind runs the show most of the time. I have always identified with my mind much more than with my body or my emotions. But it is just a tool at the end of the day – a tool to take in, store and process information. It is not the sum total of me. And it is impacted on by my emotions and body and it influences them in its turn.

I think the key must be to lift above these vehicles and to learn to discipline and train them – using them as tools rather than letting them take charge. Discipline has never been my strong suit. Patience has never appealed to me. Repetition bores me. Yet these three things are needed if I am to master the wild beasts of my lower nature.





Thinker on holiday: monkey mind runs the show

25 01 2008

I’ve been in a funny place mentally all this week. Today my mind wants to drift off into the more abstract realms. Or it wants to go to sleep. Probably the same thing. I feel as though it is underwater – and guess what – it doesn’t swim very well. It’s been floundering around trying to find a lifebelt to cling to. My mind is unfocussed and prone to straying away from the topic at hand.

My emotions have likewise been all over the place. Up and down – but mostly down. I know it is hormonal but it is still hard to deal with sometimes. I’ve been made so aware of the impact hormones have on my emotions and therefore my attitude. I just keep reminding myself that I am not my emotions.

Emotions are often symbolised as water. So perhaps the feeling of my mind being underwater indicates the power the emotions have been holding over my mind this week. And yet I do have a mind beyond the physical and emotional bodies. But it is the lower mind I have been operating from. The lower mind is prey to the influence of the brain and endocrine system.

The ‘thinker’ has been off on holidays, leaving the monkey mind to run the show.