Perceptions

Isn’t it amazing how we each perceive things through our own particular filters and lenses? The more I see, hear, think and experience, the more I realise I know nothing of reality. There really isn’t any such thing. Everyone creates his or her own construction of reality. I doubt any two people really see things the same way even if they are close to each other.

I have suffered (quite literally) because I do not wear rose tinted glasses – I think my glasses are a very murky dark grey. But I do believe they are slowly lightening and brightening, with occasional setbacks.

Last night I had dinner with a friend who is visiting town. I haven’t seen her for around 4 years. We’ve known each other since our teens. I am godmother to her youngest son. She and her husband (also an old friend – I went to school with him) have always been very close and they both have great jobs, a lovely house, a cute dog, plenty of money, friends and two fantastic sons.

I thought she was so happy. I thought she had the perfect life (well as close as possible). Last night I learnt she is on antidepressants, the marriage is going through a rough patch, my godson is devastated from breaking up with his fiancee, her boss is driving her nuts… and she is going through a nasty early menopause.

It is true that I haven’t seen her for ages and we talk only rarely on the phone. Most of our communication is via Facebook. But I had no idea and persisted in my idea of her perfect world – and always compared that with my topsy turvy life to my own detriment.

I guess on some level I’ve always envied her. Last night I saw that she goes through the normal ups and downs of life, just as we all do. I’m not stupid – I know she has been through rough times in the past (she and her husband lost a child many years ago) but somehow I thought everything was wonderful now. It WAS great for many years.

There are cycles to life. I am sure my friend will deal with all her present difficulties and reach a happier place again. I don’t need to envy her or anyone else. We all have our trials and tribulations as well as joys and triumphs. We are all on our own personal journey and what is right for one is not right for another. I’ve never once wanted to trade lives with my friend. I never wanted what she has particularly – I just envied that she seemed to be so happy and positive about life. And it turns out she’s not always like that.

Nothing I’ve said is new. We all know this stuff on some level but I still find I need to experience it.

Ok I’ve now won a new job and I am pleased about that. But beyond that, last night I saw that I can be pleased, happy and satisfied with many aspects of my life. Not all of them are external things noticable to anyone else. For me, it is a matter of changing my mental filters, dusting off those dark grey glasses and trading them in for some rose tinted ones…

High Tea

I have just spent the afternoon at a fundraising High Tea with a friend I don’t catch up with all that often. This woman is always so upbeat and positive no matter what is going on in her life. She is amazing and marvelous. Life is good for her at the moment but I’ve known her during tough times too. She used to be my boss in 2000/2001 and we have remained friends ever since. During the time she was my boss, she was under enormous pressures and strains from senior management and I never had a clue. She was always so professional and cheerful no matter what.  And she never, ever took out her frustrations on her team.

I find this woman an inspiration. She lifted me completely out of my gloom just by being herself. The difference being with positive people makes is awesome. I tend toward a pessimistic approach myself (although I am getting better) so I soak up optimism like a sponge. She is also always so empowering, always singing my praises (she is also one of my referees) and full of admiration. She brings out the best in people and helps them see the best in themselves.

And I so enjoyed sipping Darjeeling and Lapsang Souchong teas (my favourites), drinking a G & T, and eating cucumber sandwiches and scones, jam and cream. Then there was the Indian component with the tandoori chicken, raita, chutney, pappadums and halva. Fabulous food and all to raise money for a good cause. Well it also raised the spirits of ‘this’ cause too

I would like to learn to be more like this friend of mine. And I know that, as she is a friend of mine, that I have this capability within myself and she is a reflection of that. I believe everyone in our lives holds up a mirror of what we are inside but often disown. I have pessimistic friends and optimistic friends. I have both sides to my nature.

From bawling my eyes out this morning to a fun afternoon – all in a day’s experience! I am so scared of sinking back into depression but if I focus on the energy of the marvelous person I spent the afternoon with then I’ll be fine.

Friendship

I have had so much support from people over the long weekend. The breakup was finalised on Sunday but of course it has been in process since last weekend. I have been surrounded by love and support the entire weekend and haven’t been left alone to brood or break down. Those people don’t read this blog but I am eternally grateful to them all for their words and actions. I’ve been given healing and hugs; and a chance to debrief and process. I’ve had guided visualisations that have produced some amazing insights and visions that will contribute to the healing process.

I am truly blessed to know so many wonderful people – some of whom I only just met on the weekend at a two day healing workshop I attended (conveniently this came up last Monday as if I was being given what I needed at the right time by the universe). At the time I booked into the workshop I didn’t know the end of the affair was so imminent. I would have been lost and adrift without it. It was not normally something I would have attended but I felt drawn to do it when it suddenly was presented to me a week ago.

I’ve started the clearing out process. Deleting his phone numbers and texts from my mobile phone, deleting his birth data from my astrological program. I can’t quite bring myself to delete his email address or emails though. That was our main form of communication when we weren’t together. I will print out all his emails (I still have every one) and put them, along with his poetry and all the writings I have done about him, in a box which I’ll put away somewhere. I can’t afford to accidentally stumble across something that reminds me of him. I know I have to let him go and stop thinking about him and writing about him. It is time, finally to release and move on. I’m wondering whether to delete the category I have for him on here.

Why is it so hard even when you know it is for the best?

A future…

I just received an email from a good friend of mine. She was commenting on the situation with P and B and she said:

“You deserve so much better in a relationship to what you have now, you deserve a future“

Her words brought a tear to my eye. It was such a beautiful thing to say. This woman has been my friend for around 20 years and she has seen me through many failed relationships. She, herself, has been happily married for ten years.

Anyway, her words of advice were to not give up on B just yet.

For Mark… wherever you might be

Yesterday I was in a shop and this song was playing. I was automatically transported back 16 years to the days when I used to regularly go and see Hunters and Collectors playing live at a local pub.

I always loved this song and I associate it with Mark who I used to hang with. He and I became very good friends – mentally and emotionally intimate even though it never became sexual. He lived locally for 18 months before heading off to live and work in France for 4 years. The whole time he was away he’d ring me on a weekend and we’d talk for 5 or 6 hours on the phone. We wrote each other many letters (this was before email was ubiquitous) and really connected. I used to describe what we had going as mental sex. It was so stimulating and wonderful talking to him. We talked about everything and I mean everything. We had the same wacky sense of humour and used to laugh so much together. We became very close.

Soon before he returned to Australia he met a woman. Mark changed completely – which was the real Mark I don’t know – but the new Mark and I did not get on. He became very disapproving of my lifestyle and I was probably less than understanding of his newfound dedication to religion.

Anyway, I still miss him sometimes. I hope he is happy wherever he is – he was a very important person in my life for nearly a decade. So I dedicate this song to him and wish him well.

Throw your arms around me

I will come for you at night time
I will raise you from your sleep
I will kiss you in four places
I’ll go running along your street
I will squeeze the life out of you
You will make me laugh and make me cry
We will never forget it
You will make me call your name and I’ll shout it to the bluesummer sky
We may never meet again
So shed your skin and lets get started
And you will throw your arms around me

I dreamed of you at night time
And I watched you in your sleep
I met you in high places
I touched your head and touched your feet
So if you disappear out of view
You know, I will never say goodbye
Though I try to forget it
You will make me call your name and I’ll shout it to the bluesummer sky

We may never meet again
So shed your skin and lets get started
And you will throw your arms around me
Yeah you will throw you arms around me

Authenticity

Wow. I did it. In the end I couldn’t not do it.

I was honest. I said what was on my mind. And I was heard, acknowledged and rewarded for doing so. What a feeling.

Yes, this relates to my meeting with P this evening. I had a meditation at 7pm and we met up at 5.45pm for a drink before hand. For 45 minutes we chatted, made small talk until we reached an awkward silence. P had spent the time telling me how busy he is, and how he is going away both weeks of the upcoming holidays. Turns out he didn’t make it away camping on the long weekend after all so is going in the first week of the holidays. He is going camping and bushwalking with a few work colleagues in the second week. So I slipped in a question, ‘when might we go back to the sea?’ The response was predictable, ‘well I am pretty well booked up for the forseeable future’. I mentioned it would be nice for us to get outdoors again. He didn’t really answer and he said nothing of catching up or doing anything at all in the near future.

I sat there looking at him and just thinking, ‘what is the point of this?’. So, after a struggle with myself as to whether to speak or not, I said to him just that. ‘I’m wondering if there is any point to this friendship.’ He turned it around – ‘what do you mean by point?’ Then it all came spilling out of me. I can’t remember exactly what I said but it was along these lines:

‘I really enjoy spending time with you. I have fun with you. But I don’t expect or imagine happy ever afters coming from this. You’ve made it plain you don’t want that, and I really don’t think I could ever rely on you not to pull away from me so I don’t want it either. I don’t feel I could ever trust you and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering when you will pull away again’.

I told him that I had fallen for him last year but had let that go when he pulled away. I told him that I didn’t feel the same way anymore – I had fallen out of love with him at Easter. But I liked being with him and enjoyed the things we did together. And I wanted to continue but his lack of contact and communication was making me wonder if it was worthwhile.

P acknowledged his lack of communication recently. He said it wasn’t just down to being so busy, but in fact he was still concerned I expected the happy ever after and he had been wondering if we’d taken things too far. He was so grateful to hear what I had to say. He thanked me and he smiled and said he really wanted things to continue as they had been – but with more communication and contact. Although he did admit the next month was pretty much booked up with holiday plans and prior to that exam marking and report writing. So it will still be a while before we catch up probably. But at least he said he’d email me more regularly. Which is really all I was wanting. He even reached out and held my hand and smiled as he said, ‘we have had some fun haven’t we?’ I agreed and said that I really wanted and needed to relax and have some fun and not be so serious all the time. And he also agreed that a visit to the sea would be good – although no plans were made so we’ll have to wait and see about that one.

Amazing what revelations can be packed into half an hour! We left the cafe both happy with where we’d ended up. He again thanked me for being honest. He said that he really wished he could go into a full blown relationship with me but he just couldn’t do it. Now he knows I don’t want that either he is happy. I said that not all women are out to trap a man into marriage or whatever. He acknowledged he was basing his assumptions on previous experiences and not on my behaviour, words or anything else. And I did tell him that I did want a happy ever after someday – but just not with him. I made it clear I wanted to have some fun and good times with him, but nothing more. But I also did slip in there that I never discount that things do change over time. (I’ve said the ‘never’ word several times and ended up doing exactly what I said I’d never do or experiencing what I said would never happen – so I don’t use it now).

It is true that I would find it very hard to ever trust that he wouldn’t pull away. But I hadn’t planned to say it. I hadn’t planned to say any of this at all, but it just couldn’t be bottled up any longer. Better to just call it a day then and there than stew any longer.

He walked me to my car and we had a long hug and a bit of a pash and then I went off to my meditation and he went home. I feel great relief to have all that off my chest. And I feel so grateful to the universe, and the advice of my blogging friends, in prompting me to speak my piece. I wasn’t accusatory (I don’t think). But I really had reached the point where it was better to say it and wear the consequences than just hang on quietly and be miserable. With P becoming more and more distant as he imagined me coming closer and closer.

So I did it. This is a big breakthrough for me. I not only said what I was feeling and thinking but I got a favourable outcome from it. He didn’t turn away from me or call me demanding. He didn’t abandon me or tell me I was imagining things. He admitted he’d been uncommunicative and admitted why. So we’ve cleared the air for now. I’ve never been able to really speak out honestly in this sort of situation before – where I really cared about the outcome. This is the first time I’ve ever been able to say to myself that it is better to say it and have the whole thing end if necessary, than to cling on and on to something that makes me miserable.

And I had in the back of my mind all those other men who have shown interest in me over the years – they were egging me on saying, hey there are plenty more fish in the sea if this one turns out to be rotten. But he wasn’t rotten – he again showed me that he really is a decent guy who gets very confused about how women think and view the world. And he even said he realised we feel the same way about men’s views. We could all do with a bit more open communication couldn’t we? I actually feel quite proud of myself. It might sound like no big deal to some people, but for me this is huge. First step to being more authentic and genuine.

Patterns

O, my best friend, and I, are always finding patterns in our lives. There is one pattern we seem to have that we neither of us like and would like to change.

It is uncanny the way that only one or other of us ever seems to be involved with a man at any given time. When P and I got together last year, O was single. She’d met a few guys through online dating but nothing came of it. Then, the day after P’s birthday last year, O met a man she liked. Within two days, P and I had broken up and O was on with this new man. That relationship lasted two and a half months. She split up with him the same weekend I started having a fling with S.

Then, back in March, she met her P (yes the exact same name as my P). That was very intense for her and my fling with S had finished and I was feeling very low. When I learnt her new man was a P as well it devastated me. (That was very nearly the end of our friendship I might add as she felt I wasn’t there for her). And then a few weeks later my P contacted me out of the blue (after four months not seeing each other) the very day O was in tears over her P putting himself back on the online dating site. She dropped him the next day and my relationship with P developed.

Now O has just started seeing someone else – but very casually – nothing hot and heavy. She doesn’t even know if it will go anywhere. And then I realised that just as this is happening for her I am suddenly thinking I need to end things with P. Is there some sort of subconscious knee jerk reaction going on?

On Friday night O was suggesting that if I was getting this much pain from the state of affairs with P then I should end it. When I saw her last night I told her I had decided it was over and she recommended not just dumping him but pushing him a bit to see how he reacts. She plays devil’s advocate with me which I really appreciate.

So, in the light of a new day (and it is another beautiful day today) I have decided not to react in a knee jerk fashion and end the relationship with P, without first trying to move things to a level that we are both comfortable with. I am not talking about moving in with him and having his babies I am just going to suggest more communication would be nice. I am just going to suggest we plan when we are going to go for our trip to the sea.

I am going to be up P’s way on Thursday evening for a meditation. It starts at 7pm. I have decided to email P and ask if he’d like to meet for a coffee before hand. It will be only ten minutes from his place, and only for an hour – not a huge demand. Just a little push and then I won’t feel like I am always hanging around waiting for him to contact me. But I need to give him a chance. If he resists all my attempts (and I promise they will be gentle), well then I know where I stand and can let him go. The thing is, currently it is all on his terms - because I let it be – and that makes me feel powerless. If I try to take some control and he reacts against it – well then we are going nowhere anyway.

I need to learn to speak out about my needs. Not demand or rant and rave. Just communicate clearly what I would like. I never do that – I live in fear of confrontation and abandonment. That is no way to live. The one thing I can really take from this relationship is the opportunity to push myself out of my comfort zone and talk about my needs. If it leads to confrontation and abandonment then I have to deal with that. But I have to learn about honest communication of how I am feeling. And I need to give the other person the respect that they will listen to what I have to say and respond appropriately. It is not up to me to decide how they might react in advance.

O and I have decided to break this pattern – if it actually exists. We have decided patterns become self fulfilling prophecies because we are always looking for them and finding evidence to support them. So she can continue to see her guy on a casual basis and I will continue to see P on a casual basis. Then we both have men in our lives at the same time. A first step toward having committed men in our lives at the same time.

And you will have realised by now that both O and I THINK way too much… always analysing and digging. We both know we need to let go and flow with life a bit more. And work on being our authentic selves with others.

A special man

Last night was another wonderful time spent with P. He came around after work and we spent a lovely time together. I think you know by now that I really like this man

Snuggled up next to him while he had a little sleep, I gazed at his face. My feelings for him are deep and strong and yet I still don’t feel that I am in love with him. And I am glad about that. I think if I fell in love with him again then I may want something more from him – I’d want to see him more often perhaps. I don’t know – all I know is I really like the setup we have.

It is unconventional. We’ve seen each other three times in two months (of course I was overseas for some of that time too). We live an hour’s drive apart from each other and lead busy lives – him especially. But when we do come together our attention is totally focussed on each other. So the hours we do spend in each others company become very special and precious to me.

And things seem to stay fresh and exciting. It is very passionate and tender when we do come together; I suppose we are still in the exploratory stage. I want this to continue and yet I expect nothing.  I accept what we have and just revel in it. I don’t care what others may think.

I have found a very special and beautiful man to have as a good friend. And for now, a lover as well. That is enough. I feel very lucky.

Weekend catchups

It is a cold and wet Saturday. I am pleased to see the rain. I am pleased to feel the cold. I was a winter baby (born in the UK in the middle of a winter snowstorm) and have remained a winter person. Not that I want cold and grey skies all the time. I actually love crisp, clear, sunny cold the best. But the rain is very welcome here right now. Many birds are foraging in the garden – I hang seed bells from trees and I also put the end of a loaf of rye bread out for them yesterday and they are still finding bits of it. I love watching them.

I’m catching up for lunch with a friend of mine who I haven’t seen much recently. He is also a part of the esoteric community, and a fabulous astrologer. It will be great to speak to someone who understands (to a much higher level than I do) all this wonderful stuff. He and I both went through tough times late last year with our respective relationships (falling apart) and I feel we bonded over that. I haven’t spent any one on one time with him in months so it is great to be seeing him again. He wasn’t at the conference for a number of reasons, but he knows everyone there and we’ll be able to have a good debrief. I look forward to that.

Tomorrow I’m spending time with my best friend. We are taking her two dogs to the Million Paws Walk. She has promised me there will be Border Collies playing flyball in the afternoon and I just adore Borders.

I’ve been in email contact with P since my return but we have no plans to catch up this weekend. That makes me a bit sad but it is something I have to accept. I was pretty sure this would happen. I try not to have expectations either way with him – good or bad. I’ve been working through some things regarding P since my return but have found my point of equilibrium again I’m glad to say. I may blog about that at a later time perhaps. I have had an insight into my own attitude and now aim to change that.

But for now I have a weekend catching up with friends. I need to think about this class I’ve offered to facilitate and how I might fit preparation and planning for that into my week. I have decided I really need to try to be less self absorbed all the time and start focussing on what I can do for the world rather than what it can do for me. Didn’t JFK say something along those lines

Glamour

I am currently fighting the grip and seduction of glamour. Before I elucidate I thought it might be useful to insert some information about what I mean when I use the word glamour as it is a widely misunderstood word in modern, western society.

The following definitions and statements come from the “I am University” and explains glamour in the way that it is used by the Tibetan Master Djwhal Khul in the book Glamour: A world problem. (This is the Master whose works I study – one of the transmitters of the Ageless Wisdom teachings.)

Glamour is astral in character. Glamour veils the truth behind the fogs and mists of feeling and emotional reactivity and victim consciousness.

Glamour prevents a person from seeing life truly or clearly and the conditions surrounding themselves as they truly are.

The disciple who wants to dissipate glamour must do two things. 1. They must stand in their spiritual being. 2. They must keep their minds steady in the light. This means to keep your consciousness and mind always on God, your soul or Higher Self, and on a spiritual attitude.

The glamour of sentiment – Pseudo love based on attachment and addiction to loving, or being loved.

So, I am in need of illumination to dispel the fogs and mists of feeling that seek to entrap me. I now realise that I have been succumbing to the glamour of sentiment in the past few days. Really I have been succumbing to it ever since the day P visited my home 4 weeks ago now.

Prior to that visit I knew where we stood. Our standing is no different now to what it was back then but in my mind I have made it into something more – with a good dose of glamour from my astral (emotional) vehicle.

I have let myself get a bit carried away by feelings. I have read more into his feelings than may actually be there. I have imagined there to be more going on than is actually the case between P and myself. I have been deluding myself that we share something meaningful and beautiful that is something special that lifts us above the average couple out there.  Ok, it is beautiful and meaningful – that is no delusion – but in my mind I’ve tried to make it into something more. Unusual, unconventional – a new kind of relationship – something new and revolutionary.

Which is, of course, a load of bollocks.

I am now attempting to shed light on the situation (illumination being the remedy for glamour) and see it as it really is. Stripped of all the glamour and illusion.

The reality is this. P and I are friends who have a lot in common. P and I are friends who find each other physically attractive and act on that attraction. That’s it. End of story.

And that is completely wonderful and beautiful in its own right. Why do I feel the need to add other layers to it? Because of my attachment to the idea of loving and being loved. My attachment to the need to have someone who sees me as no. 1 in their life. My longing to feel special and wanted and attractive and sexy and all those other ephemeral things.

And it all made me feel low the last few days. It made me feel alone and a bit lonely. How stupid is that? To deliberately do something that would bring me down? If I release all that extra stuff, just let it go, and see things as they really are, how much better I feel.

I’d like to finish with the Webster’s dictionary definition of glamour showing the real roots of the term.

Glamour
1. A charm affecting the eye, making objects appear different from what they really are.
2. Witchcraft; magic; a spell. –Tennyson.
3. A kind of haze in the air, causing things to appear different from what they really are. The air filled with a strange, pale glamour that seemed to lie over the broad valley. –W. Black.
4. Any artificial interest in, or association with, an object, through which it appears delusively magnified or glorified.
Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc

“…delusively magnified or glorified…” that is exactly what I have been doing to the whole situation. Now I want to just see it, and accept it, for what it really is. Because it is worth a lot in its own right.

The warring factions

Oh boy this is hard work.

Maintaining integrity. Staying calm.

I wanted to sting this morning. Really badly. I wanted to send an email to P to show how little I care about not seeing him on the weekend. And of course it would have backfired really badly if I had done that. And of course it wouldn’t have been true either.

It is all a big test to see if I can maintain this equanimity and balance I’ve discovered recently. I waver. I have three factions warring in me right now

1. The “Fuck you” faction. This one is outraged that he is not responding to my last email and wants to tell him to go jump. “How dare you treat me like this?”
2. The “Play the game” faction. This side of me wants to take the initiative and go on the attack. The idea is to give the impression it was ME not contacting HIM over the weekend because I was too busy.
3. The “Lets have some integrity” faction. You know all about that one. I’m not sure exactly how that faction will proceed as it is quite new to me (sheepish grin).

Number 1 faction will not win because I am not strong enough yet to tell him to go take a jump. I still have my addiction to him to overcome (yeah, yeah, just one more hit and then I’ll quit…)

Number 2 faction is very powerful but I have quashed that coup d’état as it will only lead to more grief than I am prepared to take. And it will backfire because I suspect he can play the game much better than I can.

So that leaves Faction no. 3. I haven’t succumbed to the dark side just yet and there is still a chance for me to go forward into the light. The question is, does faction no. 3 contact him or wait for him to contact me? And what does faction no. 3 say when there is contact? Hey I will work it out.

This sounds like madness I am sure. And it sounds like P is a bastard (or I am a lunatic – or both ) But therein lies the real problem for me – he is actually a really decent, passionate, caring man – except he is damaged emotionally and can’t commit and instinctively plays games. In any area other than intimate relationships he is a gem of a man. Everyone admires and respects him (except possibly other women he’s been involved with).

So I see his good side so clearly. And we do get on so well. He doesn’t play games when he’s with me – he is decent and communicative and caring. It is in the intervening times that he drives me nuts. He would go weeks without contact sometimes and then we’d see each other in quick succession.

I know the answer don’t I? Discuss it with him in an open, non judgemental way. I have a strong feeling he will deny any game playing – he may not even be aware of it himself. But that is beside the point. I need to say my piece if we are to continue the friendship on any level at all.

Thanks guys, you’ve once again helped me work this through. Oh I do love journaling, it is so therapeutic…

Easter Saturday

Today was another lovely day. My friend (who is also sometimes known as Mr Strawhead) suggested a picnic. He picked me up at 12.30 and supplied all the food, wine and a flask of tea.

We drove a short distance to a bush park and walked up the hills until we found a nice shady spot. It was quite warm in the sun and the whole area was so dry and brown. But we found a great little spot and settled down for an afternoon of eating, drinking and chatting (with quite a bit of flirting thrown in for good measure).

Then we came back to my place as he felt the urge to post another entry on my blog. I wonder how long it is before he sets up his own blog.

So right now I am very sleepy and physically tired. Yesterday was all that gardening and today was quite a long walk up some hilly trails; lots of gourmet food and wine in the outdoors on a warm day (always guaranteed to make you drowsy).

And of course we discussed our respective love lives and all the issues and dramas we encounter along the way! He has his own ‘interesting’ situation to contend with. Perhaps I can convince him to blog about it sometime

I am Zen

I’ve just been out to a local nursery to buy some plants. I needed to be amongst greenery to calm myself. It is 40C (104F) outside so I can’t go for a walk or potter in the garden. But I needed to be with plants. Plants soothe.

I am calm. I am on edge. I am calm. I am Zen after all.

How can one tiny email throw you off balance?

I’ve been fine the last few days. Tranquil. Clear and steadfast. My best friend is now going through emotional turmoil and I’ve been there for her. I’ve been strong.

My lesson for now is about finding my centre and staying there. It is about standing steady and balanced. I am working very hard to reach a point where external events no longer have the power to rock my world – for good or ill.

Now comes a test. A test to see how I react. I test to see if I will float off into fantasy land imagining wonderful futures that will never eventuate. A test to see if I will slip down into despair and sorrow again over my loss. A test to see if I am really ready and willing to leave the emotional rollercoaster behind forever.

I am calm. I won’t allow this to throw me. It is nothing more than a simple email from a friend I haven’t heard from in a while. I will answer. What I say, how I respond I have yet to decide. Do I want to stay friends with him? Just friends – because I am sure that is all he is offering. I had decided that being friends with him was not good for me – kept me hanging on in some way hoping things might change. But I miss him. I miss talking to him, walking with him, sipping wine and drinking coffee with him. I miss his poetry, his view on the world, the way he loves nature and sees beauty everywhere. I miss his eye for colour and light and texture. We are connected. And somehow there is unfinished business there.

One thing I am sure of. This will not lead to a rekindling of a relationship. It is an email gesture of friendship only. I want so much to take up this gesture. But am I going to be strong enough to have him in my life without somehow yearning for more than he can ever give me. And wasn’t I the one who said it would never work anyway?

I’d like some male input here. Guys, what does it mean when you contact a woman after 2-1/2 months of silence? When you had previously reached a point of falling for each other then both backed away. When you’d continued a tentative friendship with growing distance between you. Then the perfect excuse to break off contact altogether – a trip overseas and then no contact on return. Would you send her your latest poem that speaks of despair? He says work and real life has overwhelmed him again, making him forget the trip overseas. I know from experience when you travel alone in remote places it changes you. Now he’s back in the routine again, does he feel the loss of the person he was in the wilds of Asia? Is he searching for something more?

I promised myself I wouldn’t tie myself in knots speculating over this. What is the point? None. So I will work on staying calm, being Zen. I need my new nickname more than ever right now

Advice please…

Well. I. am. stunned. Not sure what to make of this.

I need some insight from my friends online. Please tell me what you think?

Just now I received an email from P. The man from last year. The man I fell in love with. The man who loves nature and is passionate about literature and poetry. The man I thought I could build something beautiful with. It didn’t go that way so we tried to stay friends. Then he went overseas in December and I never heard from him again.

It was a non-commital email just saying he was sorry not to have been in touch, giving me a brief overview of his trip overseas and sending me his latest poem.

I never thought I’d hear from him again. I am totally stunned.

The poem he wrote… its quite dark, almost an element of hopelessness in it. And he talks about mirrors – always my lesson is about mirrors. He talks about dying – a theme often in my mind.

He has been back around 6 weeks. This is the first contact. Why now all of a sudden? What should I do? Should I respond? (I know I will). He doesn’t say anything about meeting up. Just asked for my advice on the poem.

I am getting over him but I do miss him a lot. Am I going to slide back into all of that again? I don’t feel I am but I don’t know what is the best thing to do.

By the way did I mention I am stunned?

The age old war… dark vs light

I am feeling myself sliding down the slippery slope into that black hole again – depression. This is one area where I do not intend to let go and surrender to the inevitable. I feel I am waging an almighty war at the moment to keep myself in the light. And I believe, this time, the light will win out. So often in the past I’ve dived headlong into that pit of despair and crashed to the bottom. Unable to even see a glimpse of light I’ve not been able to find the way to climb out.

I am not a morning person. I have always been a night owl. I have always found that morning is my worst time – I awake with the churning stomach that bears no resemblance to what is going on in my world. I wake with the sense of futility. But step by step, throughout the day, I pull myself a bit further up that slippery slope until, by the time I retire for the night, I can be almost positive and optimistic. Only to slip down the slope again in my sleep. I really should tie myself to the nearest rock shouldn’t I?

It is as if there are two sides to me. I can actually stand aside and observe this depressive person and know that her reasoning is false. This other part of me knows the world is a wonderful place full of joy and beauty just waiting to be embraced. I try to identify more and more with this side of me. I couldn’t see this side of me in my earlier years. In fact she’s only really put in an appearance recently. She is my saviour when I walk this fine line between light and dark. She is pure light. I know the other side, the one that teeters on the brink of that abyss, is just full of hurt and pain and just longs and yearns with every ounce of her being to be loved and accepted. But she looks externally for that love instead of turning to the other part that is full of light and joy.

Slowly, I am learning to release others in my life from the responsibility and burden of being my sustenance and support. I have the most amazing friends who I love so much and who do so much for me. Some of you are here online – I can’t begin to express the difference to my life it has made being in contact with like minds on here. My friends support and help me as much as they can (which is a great deal) but I have tended to lean too heavily on them at times. Now I am learning to lean on myself and not expect someone else to rescue me.

Every time I now feel pulled to that abyss I consciously stop and look upward to the light. I ask for a lifeline to anchor me and ask that light be shone down to light my way. It works. Slowly, so slowly. It takes a lot of work – it is a constant process. But I am now trying. To succumb to the dark is habitual for me – an automatic response. It is the easy way out, the line of least resistance. But there is nothing easy about it, nothing productive about it, nothing fulfilling about it. It is a dark, scary place that I want to avoid if I can. I’ve spent many years in that place, I know it so well I could give guided tours

I slip up. I have days where I just wallow in self pity. My poor friend had to endure me like that yesterday when he’d taken me out to try to cheer me up. He is so sweet and he really wants to help me, but he has never experienced the depths of the dark and try as he might I don’t think he can grasp what I experience. I don’t feel ‘heard’ when I talk to him and I hold only myself responsible for that. But yesterday I was not a pleasant companion and he put up with that – how lucky am I to have people like this in my life?

And just for the record, I am getting some professional support through all of this.

He…

He doesn’t get me

He wants to help… but he can’t understand

He took me out today and we sat on a rug under a gum tree

For three hours we drank wine and talked

He’s not happy with his life either

But he doesn’t feel it as I do

The sense of futility, of waste

He still believes, still has hope

Still keeps his life full and busy to avoid being alone

He tries to ‘cheer me up’, jolly me along

It will be alright… but will it?

We were lovers for a short while a few months back

That was good, that helped me so much

But it didn’t last long enough

… it seemed to come between our friendship

But being held for a while, loved for a while

Was just something I craved… still crave

To make me feel whole and human again.

To my best friend

My best friend reads this blog sometimes. She understands it is my place to express how I feel and what matters to me…

Best friend:

If you read the previous entry, please do not feel bad or upset. Please know I love you and want what is best for you, just as you do for me. Please understand I just need to write things to come to terms with them and to work them through. I have always done that, just now I do it a bit more publicly.

I am happy for you, and I hope things work out this time. I will get over myself and my reaction   I cannot run and hide from things I do not want to face. I can hide under the covers for a while but not forever. Life has a habit of sneaking things in like this to test us – you know that as do I. God knows we’ve talked about it often enough.

I think you will understand my reaction. I hope you forgive me for making it public. I hope I haven’t hurt you with my response to your news.

You are my best friend. I know you would never hurt me. I can’t imagine my life without you there to turn to. 

2008 – New Beginnings

Happy New Year. Yesterday was a very hot day and the best place to spend the Eve was at the beach. The evening began with an exquisite sunset over the sea. The sea was turquoise and still, the sky all shades of pink and rose. The clouds were streaked with colour and whispy patterns and the setting sun formed a pool of molten gold on the horizon. Wow – talk about feeling glad to be alive! Champagne on a balcony overlooking the beach with a group of interesting people I’d never met before – fireworks up the coast in both directions and a balmy breeze to cool the heat. What more could I ask for to see in a new year and hopefully a new beginning? Thankyou to those people I met last night, for your interesting conversation (ranging from neuroscience to astronomy to the logistics of having sex underwater whilst diving Thank you to mother nature for the superb sunset show – much more vibrant and exciting than the fireworks displays at midnight. It is good to be alive in 2008 and looking forward to better things ahead. Best wishes to all.