Distraction

I’ve never thought of writing as distraction before but it is dawning on me now that it may be exactly that in my case. It has always helped me make sense of my world but I have to admit that I step outside of things and observe them when I write.

This time I think I have to try to stop from distracting. I need to surrender into whatever is coming up for me – mentally, emotionally or physically – and let it flow through me. I have many thoughts and emotions coming up right now. I have aches in my back around the shoulder blades where I always carry tension and emotion.

The way I’ve been living my life does not work for me or give me the outcomes I want. I have to do things differently and that also includes not doing certain things. Like distracting myself instead of facing what is coming up for me head on. I’m realising the extent to which I’ve lied to myself. I’ve been living in denial.

I am not beating myself up about this – just accepting it. I have a quiet motivation to try to live differently – it isn’t a ‘raring to go’ enthusiasm but more of an acceptance that I have to just go through this to come out the other side into the sun again.

My sadness is deep but I also have that sense of empowerment from making the decision and saying the words to end things. This is a first. I’ve let things fizzle out in the past without any real closure.

I wanted to say what is going on for me. I may or may not blog much in the near future. We will see. But I can’t use it to distract myself whenever things get rough as I usually do. If I’m not here I’ll be sitting gazing out my window at the trees and the birds. Dealing with things. Quietly.

Quiet

For once I’ve lost my urge to blog or write. My usual way of dealing with my world offers no succour right now. I will be back but for now I need to withdraw and lick my wounds. Thank you to all for your support and understanding.

So tired…

Well it is now finally, irrevocably over. My beautiful love affair. It had to end. It is for the best. There are no regrets or recriminations on either side.

I am very sad and very tired.

11th May 2007 – 8th October 2008 RIP.

Take the L…

Decision

A friend said to me today, “do you want to still be feeling this way a year from now?”

No I don’t.

When I came back from India I made a promise to myself – no more involvement with men who weren’t in it as much as me. No more settling for second best. No more being at a man’s beck and call.

It took a while to sink in that I have actually ended up in exactly that same situation again. So easy to argue that this time is different.

I’ve shied away from relationships my whole life. Now I’ve decided I want one. I’ve made a commitment to myself to not put up with crap anymore. India was a turning point for me. I made real progress. Lately I’ve regressed slightly. That is ok.

Now I know the hard decision I have to make. Actually I don’t have to make it – it is already made. I just need to work out how and when. I want to end this face to face and it makes it difficult when I haven’t heard from P for two and a half weeks. It will be a week or more at least, very least, after he emails me before we meet. Why not force the issue you ask? I doubt he can be forced. I have to do this face to face, not by email, not by phone. So I have to wait until I next see him (which can’t be forced) and hope my resolve lasts that long.

It all makes me very sad. I started crying driving home and thought I can either succumb to tears and curl up on my bed or I can do something constructive. I stopped and bought fire wood and built the first open fire I’ve had in this house. I bought sealant and a caulking gun and crawled around in the roof space looking for gaps. Not very successfully I might add.

Then I came on here to blog. My best friend is coming around tonight and I plan to watch a dvd while I wait. My heart is heavy but I’ve been here before and I survived. This situation with P will only get worse and I cannot control any aspect of it so I need to get out.

Part of me says someone is better than no-one. Good sex occasionally is better than none at all. It is all a fantasy in my head. P was a test – to see if I can stick to my guns and not settle for someone who doesn’t love me or really even care about me. I fell at the hurdle but I still have time to pick myself up again and move on. Slowly and sadly.

But I have to see his face. I can’t email him – he’ll probably never reply. I need to know if this has even the tiniest impact on him or if he can walk away without a single care.

I’ve written my intention here. I know it deep in my heart now. Hence my sorrow this week. It isn’t as deep as it was the last time we broke up – that time it was a shock and I honestly thought we were going somewhere – this time I have known all along we aren’t. I tried to kid myself I could do the casual sex and friends thing – but I can’t. Not for long. I found that with S last year as well. As an aside, S (Mr Strawhead) is no longer in my life either. We had our fling, it ended, we stayed friends but he was never there for me when he said he would be. He asked out my best friend who went out with him once but was never really interested. That was the day I got back from Arizona. I’ve not heard from him since and have felt no urge to contact him either. I think he blames me for things not working out with my friend.

Men are an enigma and puzzle to me. I like men very much and I would like to understand what makes them tick. I want one in my life every day as you are all aware. But I know I can’t demand it, force it, control it. So I crawl around roof spaces, build fires, mow lawns, trim hedges and try to get on with my life.

I won’t close down this time. I did for seven years and only opened up again last year – and then met P. So my first attempt after all those years didn’t work. I can keep on hoping and keep my heart open and maybe, one day, the man for me will appear. And he’ll stick around. I pray for that day.

No… perhaps… yes

If I never see you again
Do I feel I will die?
No

Does the thought of losing you
Pierce my soul with anguish?
No

If you are gone from me forever
Will my heart shatter again?
No

If I never feel your touch again
Will my body never yearn for another?
No

Will I love you heart and soul
Until the day I die?
No

If I can say all this
Am I letting you go?
Perhaps, yes perhaps…

Alone

Tears
Fall
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Sadness
Overwhelms
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Facing
Truth
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Searching
Wrong place
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Yearning
Endless
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Weeping
Ever
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Alone
Always alone

Questions

What do you want from me?
Why did you contact me?
I think it is a hopeless case – you and I
You don’t seem to know what you want
And I can’t keep hanging on waiting for you to decide
It hurts me to have you there on the periphery
Maybe you’ll come forward
Maybe you’ll pull away
I never know what you’ll do
If I know you are gone I can move on

I thought you were gone from my life
It hurt but I survived
Now you have opened a tiny wedge again
In my life, in my heart
But you don’t follow through
Ambivalent, you sit on the fence
I don’t want this half and half contact
Either you are here
Or you are gone forever
I’m working hard on my peace of mind
And you disturb it
I’m working hard on my emotional stability
And you upset it
I’m working hard on letting love go
But you make me want to cling

Why did you contact me?
Why don’t you follow through?
Why don’t you just tell me what you want?
Why can’t you let me be?
Why can’t I quite let you go?
We were good together once
Better than that – we were great
That is what I remember
That is what I want to recapture
But I think it is too late for that now
Yes I want you
But I want all of you
Not some little piece you can throw my way
Will you let me go?
Can I let you go?

He…

He doesn’t get me

He wants to help… but he can’t understand

He took me out today and we sat on a rug under a gum tree

For three hours we drank wine and talked

He’s not happy with his life either

But he doesn’t feel it as I do

The sense of futility, of waste

He still believes, still has hope

Still keeps his life full and busy to avoid being alone

He tries to ‘cheer me up’, jolly me along

It will be alright… but will it?

We were lovers for a short while a few months back

That was good, that helped me so much

But it didn’t last long enough

… it seemed to come between our friendship

But being held for a while, loved for a while

Was just something I craved… still crave

To make me feel whole and human again.

Subconscious expectations

Last year I fell in love. It didn’t work out. I thought I was moving on with my life, getting over him and letting him go. He’s been overseas for a while and was due to return two weeks ago. I didn’t expect to hear from him on any conscious, rational level. Not even for my birthday (which did make me sad).

I’ve even been involved with someone else since then, although that wasn’t about love at all. Today I feel an almost overwhelming sense of the grief and sadness that has plagued me for the past two weeks. Somehow, deep in my subconscious, I’d given this guy I loved a two week deadline to contact me after his return. I didn’t realise I’d done that until I opened my email this morning. Before it had loaded I had a huge knot in my stomach of anticipation and fear and I suddenly realised I expected to see an email from him.

Of course it wasn’t there. In my conscious awareness I’m glad – I don’t need the complication of dealing with him back in my life. We’d remained friends and saw each other infrequently but regularly. Then he went overseas two months ago and there has been no contact since. I didn’t expect it while he was away as he was backpacking in remote areas. I think I assumed that this was the opportunity for a complete break from each other.

So why the sudden anticipation and then disappointment when no email was forthcoming? Could it be that deep down I hoped that spending time alone overseas travelling would make him have a change of heart? Realise what was really important in his life? Obviously I did. And perhaps he did have such an epiphany, only obviously it didn’t include me in his life.

I’ve worked hard to let him go. I don’t want to get back together with him on any conscious level. But yet again I’m made aware of the subconscious layers in our minds that run their own scripts in our lives without our awareness. Those scripts that sabotage our conscious efforts and make a mockery of our resolutions.

I’m glad I now realise all of this consciously. It means I can deal with it. I will cope, I will survive and I will move forward to meet some other wonderful man. I just wonder how long it takes to finally let someone go?

Love and other bruises

I have been closed down to love for a long time because of hurts in the past. Things began to change when I spent four months at the start of 2007 in the Himalayas. Initially I lived for ten weeks on a tea estate near Darjeeling doing voluntary work. It turned into a profoundly introspective time. I felt alone and lonely despite being surrounded by the most wonderful people (mostly Nepalese in that part of India). I watched tourists arriving to tour the tea factory. They travelled always in couples or in groups. I was on my own and, in typical Indian fashion, had faced quite a few travel disruptions and changes to plans. I’d faced these and dealt with them alone in a strange country. I deeply felt I did not want to face these things alone anymore.

I did much thinking, writing and crying during my time in Darjeeling. I uncovered long buried wounds and issues dating back to my early teens. And I finally opened up to the idea of not going it alone anymore. I’ve always been so proud of my independence. But now I could see the value in living an interdependent life – with someone special to share the joys and sorrows. I came home with the urge to open my heart to love. I made a decision not to be alone any longer but to find a wonderful man to share my life with. 

Within three weeks of returning home I met a beautiful man. After years of meeting nobody, by changing my attitude and opening up to opportunity I met someone meaningful. I couldn’t quite believe it to be honest. I know we can manifest if we are clear and give out the right messages, but even so this amazed me. We spent time slowly getting to know each other, finding so many connections between us, so many similarities and common ideals. Being with him I felt alive.  

It took time, but we did eventually reach a place where we saw ourselves together as a couple. He brought me the first rosebud from his garden that day. I will never forget that day as long as I live – it was the day I thought all my dreams had finally come true. I will never forget the euphoria, the joy, the gratitude I felt knowing this wonderful man felt the same way I did. 

It lasted ten days. Ten days of bliss and happiness. Then we pulled away from each other. To this day I don’t truly understand what went wrong. Our romance lasted just as long as the rosebud – it bloomed and died over that same span of time.

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