Decision

A friend said to me today, “do you want to still be feeling this way a year from now?”

No I don’t.

When I came back from India I made a promise to myself – no more involvement with men who weren’t in it as much as me. No more settling for second best. No more being at a man’s beck and call.

It took a while to sink in that I have actually ended up in exactly that same situation again. So easy to argue that this time is different.

I’ve shied away from relationships my whole life. Now I’ve decided I want one. I’ve made a commitment to myself to not put up with crap anymore. India was a turning point for me. I made real progress. Lately I’ve regressed slightly. That is ok.

Now I know the hard decision I have to make. Actually I don’t have to make it – it is already made. I just need to work out how and when. I want to end this face to face and it makes it difficult when I haven’t heard from P for two and a half weeks. It will be a week or more at least, very least, after he emails me before we meet. Why not force the issue you ask? I doubt he can be forced. I have to do this face to face, not by email, not by phone. So I have to wait until I next see him (which can’t be forced) and hope my resolve lasts that long.

It all makes me very sad. I started crying driving home and thought I can either succumb to tears and curl up on my bed or I can do something constructive. I stopped and bought fire wood and built the first open fire I’ve had in this house. I bought sealant and a caulking gun and crawled around in the roof space looking for gaps. Not very successfully I might add.

Then I came on here to blog. My best friend is coming around tonight and I plan to watch a dvd while I wait. My heart is heavy but I’ve been here before and I survived. This situation with P will only get worse and I cannot control any aspect of it so I need to get out.

Part of me says someone is better than no-one. Good sex occasionally is better than none at all. It is all a fantasy in my head. P was a test – to see if I can stick to my guns and not settle for someone who doesn’t love me or really even care about me. I fell at the hurdle but I still have time to pick myself up again and move on. Slowly and sadly.

But I have to see his face. I can’t email him – he’ll probably never reply. I need to know if this has even the tiniest impact on him or if he can walk away without a single care.

I’ve written my intention here. I know it deep in my heart now. Hence my sorrow this week. It isn’t as deep as it was the last time we broke up – that time it was a shock and I honestly thought we were going somewhere – this time I have known all along we aren’t. I tried to kid myself I could do the casual sex and friends thing – but I can’t. Not for long. I found that with S last year as well. As an aside, S (Mr Strawhead) is no longer in my life either. We had our fling, it ended, we stayed friends but he was never there for me when he said he would be. He asked out my best friend who went out with him once but was never really interested. That was the day I got back from Arizona. I’ve not heard from him since and have felt no urge to contact him either. I think he blames me for things not working out with my friend.

Men are an enigma and puzzle to me. I like men very much and I would like to understand what makes them tick. I want one in my life every day as you are all aware. But I know I can’t demand it, force it, control it. So I crawl around roof spaces, build fires, mow lawns, trim hedges and try to get on with my life.

I won’t close down this time. I did for seven years and only opened up again last year – and then met P. So my first attempt after all those years didn’t work. I can keep on hoping and keep my heart open and maybe, one day, the man for me will appear. And he’ll stick around. I pray for that day.

No… perhaps… yes

If I never see you again
Do I feel I will die?
No

Does the thought of losing you
Pierce my soul with anguish?
No

If you are gone from me forever
Will my heart shatter again?
No

If I never feel your touch again
Will my body never yearn for another?
No

Will I love you heart and soul
Until the day I die?
No

If I can say all this
Am I letting you go?
Perhaps, yes perhaps…

Alone

Tears
Fall
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Sadness
Overwhelms
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Facing
Truth
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Searching
Wrong place
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Yearning
Endless
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Weeping
Ever
Heart
Breaks
Alone

Alone
Always alone

Questions

What do you want from me?
Why did you contact me?
I think it is a hopeless case – you and I
You don’t seem to know what you want
And I can’t keep hanging on waiting for you to decide
It hurts me to have you there on the periphery
Maybe you’ll come forward
Maybe you’ll pull away
I never know what you’ll do
If I know you are gone I can move on

I thought you were gone from my life
It hurt but I survived
Now you have opened a tiny wedge again
In my life, in my heart
But you don’t follow through
Ambivalent, you sit on the fence
I don’t want this half and half contact
Either you are here
Or you are gone forever
I’m working hard on my peace of mind
And you disturb it
I’m working hard on my emotional stability
And you upset it
I’m working hard on letting love go
But you make me want to cling

Why did you contact me?
Why don’t you follow through?
Why don’t you just tell me what you want?
Why can’t you let me be?
Why can’t I quite let you go?
We were good together once
Better than that – we were great
That is what I remember
That is what I want to recapture
But I think it is too late for that now
Yes I want you
But I want all of you
Not some little piece you can throw my way
Will you let me go?
Can I let you go?

New Years Eve

Mid afternoon, New Years Eve. Of course I’m going out tonight – one doesn’t sit home alone at this time of year does one? Well I did for quite a few years, using the excuse (perfectly valid I might add) that I had to stay with my dog who was terrified of the fireworks. But alas, Shadow passed away over a year ago now so I have no such excuse. I am going to a party by the beach, there will be fireworks and bands playing so it might be halfway decent. Yet there is no excitement at the thought. I always find the so called festive season rather depressing with all the emphasis on family and loved ones – it brings home your aloneness. Most of my family lives overseas. I have friends but they are mostly off with their own families. Now I don’t mean to be all depressive. 2007 has been a traumatic year and I’m quite glad to see the end of it! Just with a fairly recent heartbreak this time of year brings little joy with all the ‘might have been’ thoughts that I try to suppress.

Love and other bruises

I have been closed down to love for a long time because of hurts in the past. Things began to change when I spent four months at the start of 2007 in the Himalayas. Initially I lived for ten weeks on a tea estate near Darjeeling doing voluntary work. It turned into a profoundly introspective time. I felt alone and lonely despite being surrounded by the most wonderful people (mostly Nepalese in that part of India). I watched tourists arriving to tour the tea factory. They travelled always in couples or in groups. I was on my own and, in typical Indian fashion, had faced quite a few travel disruptions and changes to plans. I’d faced these and dealt with them alone in a strange country. I deeply felt I did not want to face these things alone anymore.

I did much thinking, writing and crying during my time in Darjeeling. I uncovered long buried wounds and issues dating back to my early teens. And I finally opened up to the idea of not going it alone anymore. I’ve always been so proud of my independence. But now I could see the value in living an interdependent life – with someone special to share the joys and sorrows. I came home with the urge to open my heart to love. I made a decision not to be alone any longer but to find a wonderful man to share my life with. 

Within three weeks of returning home I met a beautiful man. After years of meeting nobody, by changing my attitude and opening up to opportunity I met someone meaningful. I couldn’t quite believe it to be honest. I know we can manifest if we are clear and give out the right messages, but even so this amazed me. We spent time slowly getting to know each other, finding so many connections between us, so many similarities and common ideals. Being with him I felt alive.  

It took time, but we did eventually reach a place where we saw ourselves together as a couple. He brought me the first rosebud from his garden that day. I will never forget that day as long as I live – it was the day I thought all my dreams had finally come true. I will never forget the euphoria, the joy, the gratitude I felt knowing this wonderful man felt the same way I did. 

It lasted ten days. Ten days of bliss and happiness. Then we pulled away from each other. To this day I don’t truly understand what went wrong. Our romance lasted just as long as the rosebud – it bloomed and died over that same span of time.

Read full story…