RIP Rajah

I’ve just learnt that my little puppy boy, Rajah, has died. He was six months old. He was found under a tree – they thought at first he was sleeping. He apparently had no mark on him and looked very peaceful. There was evidence of some digging nearby and all they can surmise is that he disturbed a snake. He was out in the paddock for less than an hour so it all happened pretty quickly.

He’d been having a great time with the other Koolies and had made special friends with another pup. I am so glad his last few weeks were so good for him – running around, playing with other dogs, swimming in the dam. I am eternally grateful to the woman who took him on, who is also devastated. She did so much for him and I feel for her. I still believe I did the right thing taking him there – he had a great time. Perhaps he was always destined to die young – certainly he lead a dramatic life in his six short months.

I am crying now and full of grief, but it probably won’t last too long as I’d already let him go to a great extent. I knew I’d never see him again anyway, but I did gain comfort knowing he was living a good life elsewhere. He was a great little dog and had so much potential. He will be missed by many – both people and dogs.

Pupdate

I’ve had an update on how Rajah is getting on in his new home. He’s now allowed to mix with the other dogs as he’s out of quarantine and has been well behaved. The other dogs are teaching him when it is inappropriate to bite and he’s also learning not to bark too much. He’s not tried to bite the humans at all which is great news. I think Rajah is learning about dog heirarchy and pack behaviour and sounds like he’s taking it all in his stride.

He has a special friend who sleeps with him at night and plays with him and she has taught him some better manners. Yesterday he went romping and playing with the pack for the first time, and swimming in the dam. It sounds as though he had a great time. Then he went happily back into his compound with a juicy bone and that kept him quiet and happy for hours.

The relief I felt on hearing this was immense. I rationally know he’s in the right place and will be ok, but I just wondered if he was adjusting or feeling at all abandoned. But now I know he has this other female Koolie to direct his puppy affection toward I feel much happier. He is a very sooky boy!

It may be an overcast grey day outside but to me it is all sunshine

Greyday blankness

At lunchtime I again walked along the beach. Tide was way out, seaweed washed up high and there I am, in my work clothes, climbing through piles of seaweed and stepping tentatively through pools of stranded seawater.

The sea is very calm today, the sky grey. I would have liked to stay all afternoon staring out toward that blue-grey horizon. Apart from the chilliness and a biting wind.

One of those days where you don’t want to think or act, just stare at the view and detach from the world. Descend into blankness.

I am readjusting to life without Rajah. Sadness still engulfs me sometimes. I feel envious when I see people walking their dogs along the beach and I avoid the pet aisle in the supermarket. I’m not brooding over it – just accepting of the feelings as they arise. This morning I awoke with a strong conviction that I’d done the right thing by Rajah – I think I’d had a dream or an insight in my sleep. I don’t ever rationally doubt my choice, but a part of me feels I abandoned him. I’ve always been strongly committed to my dogs and to give my puppy away doesn’t sit easily despite the extenuating circumstances.

However, life goes on.

Haunted

I feel haunted by sadness. It is the most predominant emotion in my life. I don’t seem to ever get away from it for very long.

Today I can’t stop crying. It is Monday morning and I have the day off work. Outside it is bleak, grey and drizzling. Inside my soul it is much the same. I am back from my 1500km road trip over the weekend. A very boring, depressing part of the country to drive through – all  scrub and flatness. Rajah is in his new temporary home and I have a good vibe about the woman I’ve put him with. She will do the best she can to find him a new home – and she thinks it will be easy to do. In three weeks time she will introduce him to sheep and other stock and see how he goes. Being a blue merle he will apparently be in high demand with farmers so hopefully he’ll be easily placed. If not on a farm she’ll put him somewhere where he can do sporting activities.

It took 8.5 hours to get there on Saturday. Rajah, the little angel, slept the whole way in the back seat. Not a peep out of him the whole way. On the last stretch, driving to the Koolie kennels, he rested his chin on my shoulder. At the kennels he took to the owner straight away – he is a friendly, sociable little chap. A cat came over and rubbed against him and he was really well behaved with it – he’s only ever seen cats from a distance before and was always a bit unsure about them. Two koolies in a compound next to the drive barked at him and he barked back. Then he was put in a run on his own where he can see other dogs and they can see him but he is kept isolated for a week. This is a quarantine period to make sure he is healthy but also allows him to interact safely with the other dogs before going in amongst them. As soon as he was in the run other dogs ran up and barked at him and he barked back – tails wagging furiously in all cases. He was giving as good as he got and he wasn’t at all scared or timid. The kennel owner said that is a good sign – he’s strong and confident and won’t back down from stock. She also dealt with the biting quite easily – and she said the other dogs will cure him of that. In a week he’ll be allowed out to mix with the younger dogs around his own age, and gradually he’ll be introduced to other dogs until he can interact with them all. She has 4 acres for them to run around on. The dogs were all clean and healthy and seemed happy. I am very confident Rajah will be in good hands.

I spent an hour looking around and learning more about Koolies and how Rajah will be looked after. Then I drove into the nearby town and found a motel. I booked a room with a spa bath and spent over and hour soaking away the drive. I cried as I left the kennels, the woman gave me a hug. She was so understanding. She is wonderful and I can’t praise her highly enough for what she is doing. Last I saw Rajah he was happily barking his head off at the other dogs, tail wagging. I left his mat and blanket and umpteen toys and chews to help his transition.

Sunday I got up and drove home. 7.5 hours this time as I didn’t need to stop as often without Rajah. I admit I broke the speed limit in both directions. I only have a little Daihatsu but it is the best car in the world. It sits happily on 130km/hour and just keeps on keeping on. I’ve had it for 15 years now and it has never let me down. I love it. I went straight to my parents place as I couldn’t face the empty house. I stayed there for dinner then came home around 7pm and was in bed by 8pm. The house and garden are so full of Rajah and his accessories and it made me cry. I dismantled his crate which is in my bedroom as I didn’t want it there as reminder of my puppy who wasn’t sleeping in my room ever again. Then I went to bed and didn’t get up until 8.30am. I was awake at 5.30am as usual though, and it took a while to go back to sleep. I’m so used to getting up around 6am.

So now I am slowly tidying up the house, putting things back the way they were before he entered my life. And I cry, and cry and cry. He really got under my skin in those seven weeks – I loved him but we just couldn’t live together. He is better off but I am just so very, very sad. Again.

Two and a half years ago, Shadow died leaving me very sad. Then I got involved with P and we broke up twice leaving me extremely sad each time. Now I’ve lost Rajah and I’m sad again. I am just a deep well of sorrow these days. Why does everything seem to end in tears? How do others manage to have happy lives? I don’t understand it. I am just one of those people who seem to attract drama and sadness – I guess that is my lot in life. I need to do some more work around acceptance. I need to stop chasing rainbows – looking for a happy life that always eludes me.

Will I get another dog? Right now I just don’t know. I am, quite literally, once bitten twice shy

To give away or not…

Today I emailed the dog trainer to ask him if he could make any suggestions about a suitable person or people who might be interested in taking Rajah on. I don’t expect he’ll know anyone. I don’t think, right now, it is going to work out with Rajah and I. He needs someone stronger, more consistent and persistent than I am. I am so tired – working with him is a fulltime job and I have to be on my guard all the time in case he gets worked up and starts biting. I have bruises on my bruises. I am heartily sick and tired of being used as a chew toy. We are not talking gentle mouthing or little nips. These are full on dog bites.

I just don’t understand it from a dog psychological point of view. He seems to accept me as leader in most things but will not stop biting me especially when excited. And there is growling too – it is play growling I believe but it is still growling. I think it is a game to him. Someone else can nip it in the bud and not let it develop whereas I think he and I might have gone past the point of no return. He’s never as bad with my parents although he’s no angel with them either.

I’m accepting today that I don’t like Rajah. I love him but I don’t like him and right now I don’t want him in my life anymore. It is like an abusive relationship where you love someone who is always physically attacking you. It can’t be sustained. Right now I do not want this dog. But what do I do with him? I can’t give him away to some unsuspecting person. If I take him back to the pound they’ll probably let anyone take him with bad results. He needs a particular type of person with time to give him. He needs a place where he can run – he’d be great on a farm. My last dog was a working dog and adapted to life in suburbia with me (with the help of lots of walks and playing) and Rajah probably would adapt too. He’s very strong willed and very excitable. And when he’s worked up he bites me. He doesn’t bite strangers he meets – he loves people and is all wagging tail and licking and, unfortunately, jumping up.

So why, if he accepts my leadership in some areas (many areas) does he not respect me when I tell him not to bite? Why does he bite the person who feeds him and homes him but is great with strangers? Why did he bite my friend who he has met twice before but is reasonably ok with my parents when with them every day. The vet came today to vaccinate him and he got so excited (Rajah that is – not the vet) that he bit me the whole time the vet was here. They saw what he was doing to me. I got the same old advice I’ve had from everyone. I’ve tried so many different things and none work long term. They might stop the biting but he soon comes back for more. He comes around behind and bites too. He follows and bites. He jumps up and bites. He hangs off my arm by his teeth sometimes. It is painful. I’m concerned he might do nerve damage as sometimes my arm or hand feels a bit numb when he does it.

Who will take him? I will not give him away without telling the prospective owner exactly what he is like. So who would want a dog like this? Nobody in their right mind. So where does that leave us?

I was lonely before he came along. I’m not lonely now but I’m not happy either. I wanted doggy affection and company not domestic violence and abuse! I find myself longing to go back to yoga, my weekly meditation group and to start a new fitness regime. I can’t in all conscience be out all day and then out all evening leaving him alone. I thought hard about the change in lifestyle having a dog means and felt I was ready for it. But now I don’t enjoy it. How can I even bring anyone to the house? How could I have a relationship with any man who might come along? My house is a mess, he even is ripping up the carpet in the back room. I have to have my lovely shag pile rug permanently covered with old throws as he bites and chews it otherwise. Bits of toys lie everywhere - he’s ripped the stuffing out of four toys so far. Ok he’s a pup – so I accept the mess and the chewing. But the biting…

This is not how I envisaged my life at this point. Life is potentially so good with my wonderful new job but I am too tired to appreciate it. I feel apprehension about coming home as it is time for the night shift – managing a puppy. I don’t want to do this on my own – my parents were wonderful for four weeks but they’ve done their bit. I can’t drop him there every day for the rest of his life.

What do I do with this dog? Is he a danger to the community? How does one establish that? Usually when a dog bites that’s it. But does it count when it is the owner that is bitten? I still don’t think he’s doing it out of aggression or anger – I still think it is inappropriate play. But I just don’t know how to get it through to him that it is unacceptable. I’ve tried practically everything. Certainly if it has been suggested to me I’ve tried it.

Survived another week

Hello world. Yes I am still here. Life seems to consist recently of Rajah, work, Rajah, sleep. One more week keeping this puppy confined. Another visit today from the dog trainer – I’m going to call him the dog whisperer. He is brilliant. Lots more advice and help on how to handle an irritated, frustrated and bitey puppy.

Every morning we get up at 6am and have cuddles, breakfast and a walk. Then I get ready for work and drop Rajah at my parent’s place where he has an 8ft square pen in the garden. Off to work (which I love by the way) and I usually forget all about Rajah Then home to my parent’s place where I have dinner cooked for me and then take puppy home for a walk and then bed. Once with Rajah I forget all about work. So this is how men compartmentalise is it? No room left in my mind for anything other than what is in front of me. Not a bad way to go.

One more week of that then Rajah can stay home during the day unsupervised. He will be allowed to start running around again. Hopefully that helps his frustration levels. He is such a beautiful dog and sooooo smart. I keep saying about it but he really is intelligent.

Probably shouldn’t admit this, but I have a bit of a crush on a man at work. Totally hopeless and useless though – he is married and we work together. So it is going to go nowhere. But it is just nice to feel something for somebody other than P So it feels like a huge step forward and I feel more and more each day that I’m letting P go completely. Rajah has helped with that I must say. And this guy at work. We have a nice banter going between us and I do find him very attractive! Quite a bit older than me but I’ve always liked older men.

Rajah is having a nap right now – exhausted after all the work with the dog whisperer. I have my job cut out for me but have a few more tricks up my sleeve now. I just need to be consistent and persistent. Hard when I’m often so tired but there is no other way.

Rain and Rajah

Day four of rain. Three more to go at least. How we need it in our parched part of the world. Rain tanks that were empty are now full and overflowing. Hopefully our reservoirs are filling up nicely too. Not enough to break our drought conditions but it helps. I can’t remember the last time it rained so much continuously for days. It must be years.

The backyard is waterlogged and there is quite a lot of mud. At times the water pools on parts of the lawn. I’ve never seen that before in this house as it has never rained this much in the 18+ months I’ve lived here. But the plants must be heaving great sighs of relief to have such a soaking. When the sun comes out again I imagine we’ll see lots of renewed growth and greenery even though we are in autumn. My fruit trees are just now thinking of dropping their leaves.

I love rain. I love winter and colder weather. We don’t get enough of it here to really get depressing. To me the heat of summer is much more oppressive and depressive. The sun breaks through the clouds right now even as it rains. I bet there is a rainbow somewhere! I love rainbows too. I still wish upon them They fill my heart with joy.

I’m very tired. It is 4pm on Sunday afternoon and I’ve been looking after my injured pup fulltime since Friday evening. We’ve survived. We have moments where we get on really well and others where I have to confine him to the bathroom for timeout as he gets too excited and bitey. He doesn’t really like to sleep past 6am so I’ve had early starts. For someone who usually sleeps in on weekends it is a rude shock but I did expect it when I got a dog. I can only take him for short walks in the park across the road – 10 mins at a time so his leg won’t get overstrained. And it usually starts raining again within that timeframe too. He is raring to go and coping very well really considering I won’t let him run or get his excess energy out.

Somehow in this tiredness I feel a contentment. Part of me realises my life will never be the same again, but I wasn’t that enamoured of it before anyway. I really have bonded with this little dog and he with me. I feel he will be a great companion and friend as time goes by. It will be good when he is healed and old enough to go for long walks with me – then we can expend some of his enormous energy in healthy ways. He is smart – he already has learnt to sit, drop and stay (although he doesn’t like staying very much   I make him heel when we walk but this is still a bit problematic. Too many interesting smells out there to be bothered staying by mum’s side. He won’t touch his food until I tell him he can. He’s a good boy really.

The Koolie is a breed that is very affectionate, faithful and loyal to their owner. Most dogs are but apparently this breed is especially so. He can turn on the affection alright. He is hard work but I have no regrets that I rescued him from the pound. He was meant to be with me.

I would like to write something profound – all my posts lately have been so practical. I do wonder if Rajah coming into my life in such an unruly way is a sign that I haven’t yet got my own animal nature under control? Certainly my libido is still alive and well and raring to go. As is my appetite. Rajah is a good metaphor for how important the animal nature is but it must be trained and not allowed to run the show. Then it is loyal and helpful.

Also of interest to me is the fact that Rajah has injured a joint. My other lovely canine companion, Shadow, had arthritis from the age of 4. And when I housesat in 2007, one of the dogs broke his foot and I had to nursemaid him. I am a Capricorn and joints and skeleton are ruled by my sign. And knees are Capricorn and Rajah has fractured his knee. I seem to attract dogs into my life who are destined to have joint problems. I hope Rajah doesn’t end up with arthritis but the chances are increased with this fracture. Is there some sort of message for me in this too? Joints = flexibility, stability, strength? Something to ponder on anyway.

I reckon Rajah was born around the time I was away on the Vipassana meditation retreat. That too, was about mastering the physical and not letting it run the show. It was about learning equanimity and acceptance. I think Rajah has come along to test me on those lessons. I haven’t kept up the Vipassana meditation and so I’m learning the hard way

Soothing the savage beast

How do you keep an 18 week old puppy from running around for four weeks? This is my next challenge.  Rajah came home on Tuesday night from the vet. He is making a good recovery and doesn’t seem to realise he has a problem with his leg. He is wearing a bucket collar to stop him worrying the stitches and he absolutely hates it! He is still the same feisty little boy but it is harder to discipline him now due to his injuries!

My parents have come up trumps and have him during the day. I’ve bought a dog exercise pen for him to go in in their backyard which is great except it is now raining for the first time in months and scheduled to rain for the next 5 days.  So he can’t go in the pen as it is out in the open. My parents are having to cope with him in the house and he is boisterous and rambunctious. I feel guilty putting them through this.

At home I have bought a dog crate for him to sleep in overnight in my bedroom so I can keep an eye on him and stop him roaming around during the night. He’s pretty good with this and I take him outside every few hours to do his business through the night. But I have no other ways to confine him and wonder what I’ll do with him all weekend. He has to stay in the house with me and I have to watch him every second to make sure he doesn’t run or jump.

Well I asked for a challenge and boy have I got one. Not only a naughty, feisty pup but now an injured one too. He doesn’t want to be confined and quiet and is getting frustrated with it all.

It gets worse

My poor little puppy is in the vet at the moment. Has been there for six hours so far and I still haven’t heard about him. This morning a bird got into the back room and Rajah took an almighty leap to try and catch it – he jumped over 5 feet in the air. Down he came and YELP. I didn’t see exactly what he did but his rear left leg was hurt. He was holding it up and not putting any weight on it. The vet said it could be a fracture around the knee area in one of the growing areas. She kept him in to do xrays. It is a 24 hour emergency vet so they are pretty busy, when I rang a while ago the vet was in surgery with another animal and will ring me when she gets out.

Rajah may need to stay in and have a pin put in his leg if it is fractured. Or he may just need anti-inflammatories. I’m so glad I decided to make the 24 hour emergency vet surgery his default as he’s been there twice now on a Sunday (and I’ve only had him two weeks). It costs a fortune on a Sunday but at least they are open. And I’d end up taking him there anyway as his regular vet would be closed if I took him elsewhere. This vet is only 15 mins from home so not too far. It is the same vet I took Shadow too at 2am when she was at the end of her tether. She was euthanased at that vet and they were so good. So now I take Rajah there.

Part of me thought I could have a rest without him around all day but I find I really miss the little guy despite all the headaches! A friend came round this afternoon as planned so that helped take my mind off his absence. I guess if he does stay in overnight it will allow me to sleep a bit better tonight perhaps and sleep in tomorrow morning but knowing me I’ll not be able to make the most of it anyway. Poor poppet, I hope this doesn’t affect his mobility and agility long term. It is not good for a puppy to hurt themselves and damage the growing joints which are still soft.

How on earth I’ll keep him quiet and still whilst he’s recovering is anyone’s guess – it just won’t be possible.  I do hope he’ll be ok. They weighed him at the vet and he’s put on 4kg in two weeks!!!! That is a huge amount. He is getting plumpish but he’s also growing so quickly. I’m still adjusting to how much to feed him and perhaps he’s getting a bit too much. He’s not really fat or anything but looks well fed. He now weighs 12.5 kg.

Shadow was a very expensive dog with many health issues – I think perhaps Rajah may be the same! Never mind, I love them anyway. But right now I am just waiting to hear from the vet what the situation is and if he’ll need to stay over and have an operation tomorrow or if I can bring him home tonight.

Wits end

I must admit to being a bit anxious at the moment. Rajah has been with me two weeks now and we are still undergoing almighty battles over who is leader of the pack. I’m not getting enough sleep because I’m trying to give him lots of time and attention when I am home (he sleeps alone and is alone all day poor bunny) and I wake around 4am and doze fitfully until I get up around 6am. I spend around an hour and a half with him in the morning – walk, play, cuddles, training. Then I get home around 6pm and spend 3-4 hours with him again. Part of that time I read a book and he potters around. But I am exhausted. I want my life back – well the part where I could sleep in and relax in my living room. We spend most of our time in his room – the rumpus room out the back – because I have to watch him every second inside the main part of the house.

Sometimes he’s an angel and really well behaved. But he is a real Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde – and I’m never sure which one I’ll get. I make him sit and wait until I give the word to eat his food and he’s very good with that. But he does keep biting and challenging me. On the lead, out walking, he’s pretty good. He’s smart. Too smart. He’s learnt to pretend to be submissive because he gets rewarded when he is. So I think what he is doing is the aggressive thing, then backing off so I praise him. It is a sure fire way to get my attention and possibly a treat. I try to praise him and reward him when he is quietly doing his own thing without bothering me but that then draws his attention back to me. Oh it is so hard trying to outwit an 18 week old puppy Don’t I sound pathetic?

He is a Coolie (or Koolie), a working dog bred in Australia. They are extremely smart and loyal. Rajah is very affectionate and he’s an independent little chap which I really appreciate. He’s just been allowed to think he’s boss for too long. Apparently age 8-16 weeks is crucial in terms of imprinting in pups. I got him at 16 weeks so he’d already learnt all the wrong lessons by that stage. This morning we had a huge battle and I honestly don’t know if I can keep this up. If I can’t get some control over him in the next two weeks or so then I might have to give him away or something. I don’t want to. I really don’t. I fully accept it is me who is the problem – I just don’t seem to come across as a leader to him. He needs very strong leadership – which I thought I could give him – but it seems not. Maybe he would be better out on a farm with some burly male ordering him around. Maybe I would be better off there too

The dog trainer, Mark, was brilliant with him. Rajah accepted his authority very quickly although he did challenge him too. I get too het up and emotional and that gets Rajah worked up too. I need to stay calm and assertive. I think, if I crack this, I’ll write a book – Everything I know about leadership I learnt from my dog! I do not want to admit defeat on this one but both our lives will be miserable if things don’t get sorted soon. If I give him a month and still can’t attain leader of the pack status then I doubt I ever will.

Now I am tired and maybe not thinking clearly. I haven’t slept properly for a long time now. Even before I got Rajah I had got into bad sleeping patterns and whilst the patterns have changed since I got him, I’m still not sleeping enough. I want to spend time with my dog – I hate that he spends so much time alone – I want him in the house with me – but it is so tiring and draining as it is a constant battle of wits. I am exhausted. And I don’t want my wonderful new job to suffer. I do droop a bit at work in the afternoons. I can’t afford to do that.

Rajah and I have bonded and it would upset me immensley to let him go. And who would take him on? It would have to be someone pretty tough and authoratative. He is a real challenge and I don’t know how many people are prepared to deal with that. Most just want a nice, affectionate, friendly dog to come home to. Part of the trouble is Rajah is not yet fully vaccinated so I can’t let him near other dogs. I do take him for two walks a day – early morning and after dark – to try to avoid other dogs. But it isn’t enough. Because he is a pup still I can’t take him on my full daily walk (how I miss it) for quite a while yet. It is another month until he is fully covered by his vaccinations. Then he can meet and play with other dogs and I can take him to obedience classes. But in the meantime the battle for supremacy goes on. He just doesn’t take me seriously even when I do the things Mark suggested and that he demonstrated. They worked for him. If I could just tire this pup out it would help. We kick the ball around the yard for hours each day too.

Some days I feel we are making headway and things go well. Then the next day it all seems to fall in a heap again. On Thursday I was offered another dog. It had been abandoned by its owners who had moved interstate and just left the dog with a friend. The friend can’t keep her. She was a lovely dog, one year old, had been to puppy school and was quite well behaved. But I don’t know how dominant she’d be – she’d need to be tough to deal with Rajah. The idea was that she’d play with him all day and wear him out but all I could see was two dogs to have to train and walk. Anyway this dog, Ruby, was a staffy x bulldog and that is not the kind of dog that appeals to me. She was beautiful but not my kind of dog. And I just don’t think I could handle two unless the other was really well trained and behaved already and could knock some doggy sense into Rajah.

Mark, the dog trainer, has offered a free follow up visit. I did ring him the other day to talk about taking on another dog and my ongoing issues with Rajah. He gave me more advice which worked a treat with Rajah to start with. But Rajah already seems to have worked out how to turn it to his advantage without submitting. He is so clever – he’s outwitting me at the moment I am ashamed to say. Anyway, I will probably be getting Mark back next week sometime for more tips and advice.

Why do I ask for challenge? I certainly have got it in this little puppy! Will things ever settle down for us? I can’t go on like this for too much longer. Something has to give.

Exhaustion.. but for the right reasons

Both Rajah and I are totally pooped. We spent three hours with the dog trainer this afternoon. Poor little Rajah is having his brain rewired! As is his mum! I have to do things differently around here to show Rajah who is boss. It has already started with him totally submitting to Mark, the trainer, and beginning to submit to me. Of course we have a week of him lording it over me to overcome, plus his first 16 weeks of being a dominant dog who got his own way. But he learns quick although he is feisty. I will have a few battles over the next few weeks. But it is worth it. Just I am so tired right now that it is hard to be constantly on the ball reinforcing consistently the behaviours and attitude I want Rajah to develop. But it is so worthwhile otherwise I might end up with a delinquent child.

But at least I have some idea of what to do now – before I was trying to learn from books, internet and friends. There is nothing like one on one coaching from an expert. It exhausts me to think of the effort I’ll need to put in over the next few weeks and months but hey, I did choose a puppy! From the pound! Good pups don’t necessarily end up in those places.

This morning I went and had a one hour massage just to try to compensate for lack of sleep and anxiety. Was wonderful. I now feel much happier about dealing with Rajah effectively too. I can see light at the end of the tunnel although it is dim right now still. This pup is awesome and will be such a great companion if we get off to the right start. He is in the back room now and I can predict he’ll be fast asleep after so much learning. I could happily curl up and sleep for a week now too.

The job is going well too. I felt a bit guilty last week as my attention was always half on Rajah even when at work. But it is good that it is a quiet time at work and I’m still settling in so my diverted attention isn’t too problematic. I am very happy with the move though. As I write this post I suddenly have an uplifting of the heart and a sense that all is going to be very well in my life. It already is in fact – if only I can keep the positive focus. Lack of sleep always predisposes me to the negative. I’ve really landed on my feet with this new job – it is actually much better than I’d anticipated. And I think Rajah was drawn to me because the universe knows I am prepared to put time and energy into the little guy whereas others would just banish him or hit him or abandon him. Not me. He’s with me for life. It won’t be dull or boring I know that for sure.

And a thousand apologies to all my blog friends out there. I am aware of how remiss I have been about visiting your blogs and commenting. I apologise profusely. I no longer have internet access at work and am too tired to hop on at home after a day in my new job and especially now with Rajah to focus on. I thank you for still visiting me and commenting and always really appreciate your support. I’ll catch up on your worlds as soon as I can.

Easter

Wow, where do I start. Talk about a hundred warring things going on in my psyche right now. It is Good Friday. I have had my puppy, Rajah, almost a week now. He was so challenging for the first five days as he was a biter. Not just nips but ‘hang off your jeans and not let go, full teeth on skin, I’m covered in bruises and cuts’ type biting. I tried many things but in the end (at my wits end) I sprayed him with a cucumber face mist atomiser when he bit. Three times and it worked like magic. I now have a non biting pup! Thank goodness – it really was more than I could handle. He still needs to be shown the bottle every now and then but he backs right off without needing to be sprayed.

He is a poppet – he doesn’t have separation anxiety and I can leave him in his back room (with access to the garden) overnight and during the day without any fuss. Right now I am taking a break at the computer and he is in his part of the house and I haven’t heard a peep out of him. He is very independent. But when I open up the door and let him in my part of the house he still needs constant watching – he is house trained in his area but not in the main part of the house. He is trying to mark it as his territory as he is a very dominant little creature. So when I need a break I put him out in his area. I need to relax sometimes and with him in here I have to keep watch on him every second to stop him peeing or chewing things he shouldn’t. He has lots of chew toys and I gave him a bone the other day that he is still working on from time to time. He likes a pigs ear every now and then too.

I get up around 6am to spend at least an hour with him before I get ready for work. I have been sleeping better the last few nights but still awake early and feel anxious knowing I have responsibility for this little life. I spend several hours playing with him in the evenings and then there is the constant watch to see what he is up to. On the alert so much. We have a short walk in the morning because he is too young for long walks and also he is not fully vaccinated yet so needs to be kept clear of other dogs. There is a park right across from my house so we go there as we can make a quick exit home if neccessary. There is no rest for me except when I am in bed.

All in all he is great but he is a 4 month old puppy and they are exhausting. Add that to my new job (I know I am a sucker for punishment getting a pup so soon after starting a new job) and I am physically exhausted and emotionally drained. And then we confront the fact that it is Easter and it was this time last year that P and I started our sexual relationship. Easter was earlier last year and our second encounter fell on this current weekend so it is a double whammy. This time last year he was here, in my bed, and now he is … I don’t know where, doing I don’t know what. I know it is my emotional state at the moment, my tiredness, that makes me a bit weepy. I want him back so much but he’s gone forever. And I know he’d never have stood by me with Rajah as he is not a dog person. He wouldn’t have been the one to help and support me. I think that is what I miss – I am doing this puppy parenting solo and I would love the support of a partner through it all. So I could just rest a while whilst my man kept an eye on Rajah in the house.

I do believe Rajah will be a great addition to my life – he already is – but once we are both more settled and he has learnt my house rules it will be easier. I knew what a pup entailed which is why I always planned to adopt another adult dog (like Shadow when I adopted her). But life had other things in mind. I know I have to sacrifice my garden to Rajah’s exuberance. All in all I accept that but there are several plants I associate with P because he gave them to me or was with me when I bought them. The rose bush in particular. The whole rose bush story! At least it has thorns and has made Rajah squeal at least once that I know of. But I have to accept that all those plants may well go. And perhaps that will be for the best – I am so sentimental about five bushes! If they are dug up or eaten or whatever, then perhaps that will be good and will help remove those associations and memories I have every time I enter my garden. P is all around me quite literally. And Rajah particularly likes to pee on THAT rug – the shag pile rug that was where P and I did a lot of, well, shagging! Ha just saw the coincidence of P and pee. Lots of P/pee on that rug

My life is never going to be the same. I thought long and hard about it and knew that my social life would be severely restricted with a dog. That is ok, but I wonder now if I’ll ever meet some wonderful new man and if he’ll be prepared for a part time puppy in his life. Because I won’t be leaving Rajah for hours on end to be with a man when he’s already alone so much. But once Rajah is fully vaccinated (by mid May) I’ll take him to dog obedience and perhaps I can meet some other dog lovers who I can socialise with whilst including dogs.

And I was like this (and worse) when I first adopted Shadow so I know it gets better. Shadow was two but still puppyish and she was my first ever pet and I just didn’t know what to do with her half the time. I got post canine depression! I was living alone then too. She ended up being my best friend and companion and she gave me so much love over the years. I know this little guy will do the same. I just look forward to a time down the track a bit when we are settled and have a good understanding. Right now it is still a bit of a battle of the wills. He’s pretty good though, all in all.

And tomorrow I have a dog trainer coming to assess Rajah and me. He has trained police dogs, defence forces dogs and customs dogs. He has been working with dogs for 28 years. I asked him to come whilst Rajah was still biting as I knew I had to get that under control. I think I have now but I still want this guy’s advice on how to train Rajah and how to teach Rajah that I am the leader of the pack. I’m not good at consistency and repetition and I think I give Rajah mixed messages sometimes. He learns so quickly that I need to be sure I am teaching him the right things.

I love my new job, I love my new pup. I wanted change and challenge and now have it. I will relish it in time but I am so far out of my comfort zone at the moment that I am finding it hard to adjust. Doing it all on my own. Will it always be this way in my life? Always alone? I have supportive friends and parents but it isn’t the same as support under the same roof. From a loving, committed partner. Oh I still want that very, very much one day. But I can’t put my life on hold waiting for it. So I get a new job and get a new puppy and get on with my new life. And I’m not alone anymore – I do have Rajah for cuddles and company.  I must find a way to put P behind me and move on. Maybe I should just encourage Rajah to eat all those plants P gave me

My boy Rajah

Introducing Rajah

I have a new best friend. I adopted him from the animal welfare league shelter yesterday. He is only a puppy – 16 weeks old - NOT what I intended at all. But he just looked at me and we connected…

He’s not a Border Collie either. He is a Koolie X – another working breed I like a lot. He is blue merle and white and has chocolate on him too. I will post photos but my camera batteries need recharging right now. No other dogs at the shelter called out to me – I was suprised too at how few there were – but I hope that is a good sign. Plenty of other people were there adopting dogs the same time as me which is good. I will get Rajah trained a bit more before thinking about a companion for him.

He’s a livewire – and very dominant so my job is cut out for me teaching him who is boss. But he is adorable. Today he is not feeling the best – he’s had diarhoea and vomited up his food – I think he’s adjusting to a different diet and a new home. I’m keeping a close eye on him. He’s not as playful today and is sleeping more but he is drinking water and is not dehydrated. I know one has to keep a close eye on puppies.

Tomorrow I’m back to work so I hope he’ll go ok alone. So far he’s been fine when he’s been left alone in his part of the house – including sleeping there. He barked this morning around 4.30 am but stopped soon enough. He doesn’t seem anxious at sleeping separately or being left alone. (Shadow slept in my room from the start but Rajah is too boisterous and into biting things to let loose in the house at night).

I haven’t slept well – hyperalert like any new mother – and now I’m anxious about his health – I am sure it is just settling in stuff. I probably gave him a few too many treats whilst training him too. He’s a biter and a jumper so I’ve been training that out of him (he is a very quick learner) and house training him too. This is one smart dog and I will take him to puppy preschool and then obedience classes. He’s still got one lot of vaccinations to go in a months time and then he’s safe to be with other dogs and go for walks etc.

But I am in love again