Distraction

I’ve never thought of writing as distraction before but it is dawning on me now that it may be exactly that in my case. It has always helped me make sense of my world but I have to admit that I step outside of things and observe them when I write.

This time I think I have to try to stop from distracting. I need to surrender into whatever is coming up for me – mentally, emotionally or physically – and let it flow through me. I have many thoughts and emotions coming up right now. I have aches in my back around the shoulder blades where I always carry tension and emotion.

The way I’ve been living my life does not work for me or give me the outcomes I want. I have to do things differently and that also includes not doing certain things. Like distracting myself instead of facing what is coming up for me head on. I’m realising the extent to which I’ve lied to myself. I’ve been living in denial.

I am not beating myself up about this – just accepting it. I have a quiet motivation to try to live differently – it isn’t a ‘raring to go’ enthusiasm but more of an acceptance that I have to just go through this to come out the other side into the sun again.

My sadness is deep but I also have that sense of empowerment from making the decision and saying the words to end things. This is a first. I’ve let things fizzle out in the past without any real closure.

I wanted to say what is going on for me. I may or may not blog much in the near future. We will see. But I can’t use it to distract myself whenever things get rough as I usually do. If I’m not here I’ll be sitting gazing out my window at the trees and the birds. Dealing with things. Quietly.

No… perhaps… yes

If I never see you again
Do I feel I will die?
No

Does the thought of losing you
Pierce my soul with anguish?
No

If you are gone from me forever
Will my heart shatter again?
No

If I never feel your touch again
Will my body never yearn for another?
No

Will I love you heart and soul
Until the day I die?
No

If I can say all this
Am I letting you go?
Perhaps, yes perhaps…

Prayer

I tried something different last night. Usually I meditate for an hour in the evening. I sat down to do this, but decided at the last minute to pray instead. The session did end up an hour long and I did some spontaneous meditation within it but I didn’t do the normal routine.

I can’t remember ever really praying. It has never been part of my upbringing. My mother had a very hell-fire and damnation type upbringing so she and my dad left us free to develop our own belief system growing up. I’ve always tended more toward visualisation which is more of a meditative technique.

Last night it just felt right to pray. I wasn’t even sure who to pray to. God? That is a bit of a foreign term to me but isn’t that who one prays to? I guess I am loosely a Christian by birth (if anything) but have always been more interested in Buddhism. So praying to Mary or Jesus didn’t seem appropriate. (as an aside I do believe in the Christ, just as I believe in Buddha – they are brothers).

Eventually I prayed to the Solar Angel that is my soul. I prayed for the things I want and need in my life. I didn’t bargain or beg. I stated my wishes whilst accepting that it wasn’t my decision to make as to whether my wishes were granted. I’ll admit, I asked them to send me Tom – soon. I didn’t pray for P to change or for us to end up together. That is not where I am at. I didn’t pray for a new job or a change to this one. I prayed for the ability to accept. I prayed to be happy. I asked for the strength to continue on even when things seemed bleak.

After the prayer/meditation finished I realised that I had asked for what I wanted (ask and ye shall receive). Something I don’t usually do – I usually either go into demand mode or I ‘give up’. Or I make a case or try to bargain (give me this and I’ll do that…) So I asked for help, guidance, support and love. Then I realised that I also had to really let it all go. I asked, now I need to let go of those wants and needs, and accept the outcome.

Lying in bed I visualised all these aspects of my life as balloons, the strings of which I was clutching tightly in my hand. One balloon was P. One was Tom. Another was a challenging, creative job. The meditation group was another balloon. One by one I visualised letting them go. Do you know, they all bobbed up and down a bit but they didn’t actually float off – they hung around me still. And the “Tom” balloon floated toward me even more. I don’t know what it means but I just stopped clutching those strings and trying to pull them toward me.

As I drifted off to sleep I suddenly saw this face in my mind. A twinkly eyed smiling male face. It just filled me with joy and warmth. I don’t know if it was “Tom” but whoever it was I liked him

This morning I feel acceptance again. I don’t feel good – on a scale of 1-10 my emotional state is probably around a 4. But I don’t feel anxious at the moment. I didn’t feel the need to visualise Tom this morning (by the way I also keep getting the name Roger popping in my head – how jolly. No crying today.

Letting go (detachment) is the hardest lesson I have ever dealt with. It really is a life lesson for me and I keep getting tested over and over. I have worked consciously on it for about 5 years now. It is when I cling that I am unhappy. Letting go, going with the flow of life is the best way for me. I find I get in my own way when I attach myself to outcomes and people. (Scorpio moon is not good at detachment). It is exactly why I was born with a Scorpio moon – because I need to learn detachment. And in the area of love I ‘attach’ and cling the most. Because I always have this feeling that I’ll never again meet anyone as wonderful and special as the man of the moment. I don’t meet them often – but they do turn up now and again. If one isn’t right, for whatever reason, I have to detach and move on. How much energy is wasted clinging to the sinking life raft, struggling to keep it afloat by sheer willpower, instead of swimming blind to find a solid and secure boat?

I don’t know if my prayers will be answered. I can’t dwell on it for too long. Thy will not my will be done. Whatever will be, will be. I’m not sure how long it will be before I am back clutching for those damn balloons though!!

Soulful influence

In my last post I said I was happy.

I still am, overall. I find my emotions and thoughts do sometimes stray down not so positive paths, but somehow I come back to my centre more and more quickly these days. And the good thing is this isn’t so dependent on external factors – although these do have an effect.

Today, out of the blue, I sounded off at work in a meeting. I didn’t intend to, didn’t know that irritation was building up in me even, until in this meeting I spoke out. I said my piece, and then let it go. No grudge held or brooding over the issue for hours afterwards – something I would have done in the past. This was even though I didn’t get the outcome I would have liked (but then I didn’t expect to and that was partly why I felt I had to put my point of view across).

The rest of the afternoon I was fine. I have been very productive at work this week – even with the boring work that is my usual routine I have just knuckled down and got it done.

And the other area of my life that was a slight niggle was P. We were arranging to meet up – first time since my Arizona trip – and he was taking an inordinately long time to get back to me to confirm arrangements. This is something that would have driven me mad in the past. But this time? The odd little twinge hit me, but overall I was fine. I knew I’d see him when the time was right and I let go of expecting to see him on a particular day. I realised it didn’t matter. What is time after all?

I don’t quite recognise this new me sometimes. But I like it. I put it down very definitely to my daily spiritual practice. The meditation in particular. I’m learning to let go of the little things and flow with life. Accept what I cannot change; change what I can. And there is little I can really change except within myself and my attitudes. And that is what I am working on, constantly. I feel I contact my soul a little bit more every day and it is starting to have a presence in my daily life. Sure I still get emotional, moody, crochety, irritable – but I seem to be able to let it go much more easily these days. Perhaps it is an age thing too – the wisdom of years.

So I am left, in general, feeling good. My life seems to be where it should be. I might aspire to more, but at the same time I am happy to accept where I am at and what is in my life now. I am still aiming for emotional tranquillity and a still mind as a normal state of being. It has taken a year of daily meditation and discipline but it is paying off. Perseverance seems to be the key.

Oh and yes, I have heard back from P now – and he is coming around tomorrow evening. That of course, makes me feel really good, but at the same time I was ok even before he confirmed. I knew things would work out in their own good time.

I am realising now that life still has its ups and downs. It always will. The secret is in how we react and respond to those ups and downs. Detachment is something I am working toward. Detachment from outcomes and the ability to just flow with whatever happens. It is hard. But I finally feel I am, ever so slowly, getting there. My times of greatest joy are those when I am involved in spiritual practice. It feeds and nourishes me. Now I want to find ways to give this joy back out to the world in some form of service. This is, definitely, my next step. And I am finding it is more important to me than my own personal desires.

Namaste

Zen

The blooming of the rose

Almost three weeks ago I posted about the rose - an ongoing theme and symbol in my relationship with P. At that time I explained the various manifestations of the rose and rose bush and how it seemed to chart our relationship. Back then the rose bush he gave me was healthy but with no blooms in sight and I wondered if it would ever bloom again. It really does seem to symbolise the developments.

Since that post P and I have become lovers. And now the rose bush has bloomed again. The bud was there on Sunday and P saw it and now it is in its full glory. I wish I could post the scent as well – it is glorious.

I am very happy at the moment. I fell in love with P last year and went through a tough time when we decided not to pursue a relationship but to just stay as friends. I plunged for a while into a very sorrowful place. I learnt a lot from that experience and eventually turned to my spirituality for aide. When P and I met up again after a 4 month break and decided to pursue the sexual angle I thought it would just be a physical and mental connection we shared.

Last Sunday was beautiful. It was very emotional as well as physical. Tender and passionate and intense. Somehow we seem to have worked something out without too many words. Last year I wouldn’t have been happy with this turn of events – I wanted a full relationship with him. I let go of that, difficult as it was, and I let go of him. He came back. And circumstances changed and I find now we are probably having the relationship we were always really meant to have.

Just because you have a deep connection with someone doesn’t mean you need to follow the ‘conventional’ path of becoming a couple. I was always very drawn to the relationship between Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. I thought that was ideal, it appealed to me immensely. They shared a deep bond but didn’t feel restricted to a normal life together as a couple.

Amazingly, I find that the idea of not seeing P often or regularly is quite ok. I imagine we’ll manage to meet up perhaps once or twice a month (judging by our past history and our busy lifestyles). But when we do, all our attention is focussed on each other. I have always felt we are two of a kind and it seems we are in agreement even in our unconventional approach towards seeing each other. I thought I’d be a bit more possessive and, well, needy. But there is real power in letting something go and releasing all expectations. Sometimes what comes back to you is better than what you let go of.

I could never have anticipated things turning out this way. I don’t know where this will go or for how long. I am learning to have no expectations and am discovering how liberating it is to live in this way. Just accept what is, appreciate it and be grateful for it. Live as if this is all you’ll ever have, and you appreciate just how wonderful what you have is.

I feel totally fulfilled and happy and very grateful to the universe for giving me such wonderful gifts of understanding. And the blooming of the rose seems to symbolise, yet again, that all is as it should be with P and myself.

The Zenuria manifesto

I have decided to surrender, let go. I cannot go through another weekend like the one I’ve just experienced. I know it was a huge over-reaction to events and that is what scares me so much about it.

On my birthday a few weeks ago I wrote that I was going to go with the flow from now on and accept life as it came to me. I haven’t been doing that – now I have been reminded of the fact. I have had a test thrown at me and I reacted badly.

I wrote just the other day about Buddhism and the idea that desire is the cause of all suffering and I can see that strongly applies in my life. The Buddhist approach is to work on releasing all desire by disciplining the lower vehicles (body, emotions, lower mind) and aligning with the higher mind – the mind of clear light.

I am all talk, no action most of the time. I spout all this idealistic stuff but don’t discipline myself to act on it. I have desires and expectations and it is these (and the non-fulfilment of them) that brings me pain and suffering. So I really need to let go and surrender those desires and expectations. It will not be easy by any means. In some ways I dread the process. But my current approach to life doesn’t work.

So, I release and let go of the following desires and expectations:

• To meet a wonderful man with whom I can have a fulfilling relationship
• To reach my full potential and make best use of my skills, abilities and talents
• To find mental stimulation in my paid work
• To live authentically and find my true purpose
• To increase my social circle to include more like-minded souls who can accept me for who I am
• To find my team or group – those colleagues with whom I can work to achieve something great
• To serve in the world in some way to repay all that has been given to me (I mean good stuff)
• To plumb the depths of my emotions, communicate them and not be rejected for them
• To work on my self development, becoming a better person
• To find peace, contentment and tranquillity
• To find fulfilment and meaning in my life

Some advanced Buddhist practise involves meditating on death and the breakdown and destruction of the body after death. The aim is to remove all fear of death. So I think I need to meditate on the idea that my life is all it will ever be right now. That things may never change; I will always be alone; I will never fulfil my potential; I will never discover my life’s purpose. I need to visualise life’s blows and knocks. I need to do that to accept my life today and to not always look to the future (a future that never eventuates). So that I am not knocked for a loop all the time. I do not mean to say that I am giving up – that I am defeated. No, I still have hope for better things but I need to let go of the expectation of better things. If I can accept my life right now, then, and only then, can I truly be alive.

This will be very difficult as I am stuck in many habits of thought and behaviour and I will revert naturally to these. I need to try to be mindful of everything I do, say and think. Letting go is the biggest lesson for me right now and it is a toughie. I need to let go of the idea of letting go

Subconscious expectations

Last year I fell in love. It didn’t work out. I thought I was moving on with my life, getting over him and letting him go. He’s been overseas for a while and was due to return two weeks ago. I didn’t expect to hear from him on any conscious, rational level. Not even for my birthday (which did make me sad).

I’ve even been involved with someone else since then, although that wasn’t about love at all. Today I feel an almost overwhelming sense of the grief and sadness that has plagued me for the past two weeks. Somehow, deep in my subconscious, I’d given this guy I loved a two week deadline to contact me after his return. I didn’t realise I’d done that until I opened my email this morning. Before it had loaded I had a huge knot in my stomach of anticipation and fear and I suddenly realised I expected to see an email from him.

Of course it wasn’t there. In my conscious awareness I’m glad – I don’t need the complication of dealing with him back in my life. We’d remained friends and saw each other infrequently but regularly. Then he went overseas two months ago and there has been no contact since. I didn’t expect it while he was away as he was backpacking in remote areas. I think I assumed that this was the opportunity for a complete break from each other.

So why the sudden anticipation and then disappointment when no email was forthcoming? Could it be that deep down I hoped that spending time alone overseas travelling would make him have a change of heart? Realise what was really important in his life? Obviously I did. And perhaps he did have such an epiphany, only obviously it didn’t include me in his life.

I’ve worked hard to let him go. I don’t want to get back together with him on any conscious level. But yet again I’m made aware of the subconscious layers in our minds that run their own scripts in our lives without our awareness. Those scripts that sabotage our conscious efforts and make a mockery of our resolutions.

I’m glad I now realise all of this consciously. It means I can deal with it. I will cope, I will survive and I will move forward to meet some other wonderful man. I just wonder how long it takes to finally let someone go?