Life or death

I like to read biographies. So many of the people I have been interested in and have read about are now dead. Their joys, sorrows, grief and happiness are all long gone. Life is short when seen against the big picture. I often wonder if there is any real point to it all. After all, why do we feel these things so much when one day they will no longer matter? And that day is not so far off as we may sometimes think.

Is there a point to a life? If unhappy should we cling on desperately to living in the hopes of somehow achieving something or leaving a legacy behind? What does it matter? Just another petty person with a petty life – would the world be any different without it?

I guess I’ve tended to believe that the point is not in what we amass along the way, or even in the legacies we leave behind. I always thought the point was to refine ourselves so we evolve and grow toward the light. Ready for the next peurile incarnation. Maybe, one day, far in the distant future, we may have got ourselves to a place where we can help others and help the planet we live on in some tangible way. ‘

It would be nice to be of use to those higher beings who look after Earth and humanity. But stuck in a dysfunctional personality doesn’t seem to lend itself to that. Wouldn’t one be better off leaving the personality, emotions, lower mind and body behind? Working as a soul without all the distraction from lower down?

Everyone says it is all about love. Learning to love, learning to BE love. Intellectually I believe this 100%. In the abstract it makes perfect sense and seems ideal. Some people are lucky enough to feel and experience love – they know it is real and important. I don’t just mean romantic love or personal love. I know people who genuinely feel love and connection with the whole human family and beyond. Who feel they are never alone. How wonderful that must be.

So does one keep up the struggle even when all seems hopeless? Or is it better to just let it all go and return to that place we came from in the first place? Surely it can’t be anywhere near as lonely over there?

Sunlight

The sun streams into the rainforest in Tasmania. The dappled light in a rainforest is very beautiful. And it is made all the more stunning for having to find its way past the blockages and through the canopy. The dark can be protection and the light is made more beautiful because of the shadows. The energy and feel of the light is enhanced and striated by everything in its path. And it is nice to find a shady spot on a hot, bright day. We cannot always be in the full light of the sun. We would burn up.

A bit like life.

Land ahoy…

Ever feel high and dry and out of your natural element?

Yeah, me too…

This photo was taken at Coles Bay on the Freycinet Peninsuala in Tasmania. I think somone wanted to sail up the mountain.

Today

Today is a new day.

It is a Saturday. I have no plans to see anyone the entire weekend. I am not sure how that makes me feel. This is a situation that up until this week I would have battled strenuously – ringing friends, arranging to meet up, go out, do something… A whole weekend alone with my thoughts? I would avoid that as much as possible.

It wasn’t always so. I’ve always tended to be a loner and have enjoyed my time alone. Of course I also have spent much time depressed as a direct consequence. Too much thinking. Too much feeling. Nothing to divert me from the downward spiral that comes so naturally. I also was never truly alone for I had my beloved companion, Shadow, with me. I would talk to her, hug her, play with her and know that another living creature saw me as the centre of her universe. But now she is gone too and I am truly alone (except for that cockroach in the kitchen).

My thoughts and emotions chase each other today. I deliberately didn’t try to arrange anything for this weekend when nothing spontaneously arose. It is time, I decided, to face the emptiness of two days and see if I could survive without falling into despair. Being alone is not good for me but I am alone so I need to learn to deal with it.

Funny how things work out. I invited a friend to move in with me. He couldn’t make up his mind for ages and by the time he agreed to share I had changed my mind. He would be here now if I hadn’t made that decision. I still do not know if it was the right choice or not. He lives a busy life so he wouldn’t be here all the time (ideal!) -but just the idea of someone around sometimes has great appeal.

I have much I can do with this weekend. I will shop, wash clothes, clean the house. I will perhaps potter in the garden, paint, blog, read, meditate. Why can’t I just find joy in the time and leisure to do such things? Why do I wish someone else was here to share it with me?

My stomach churns slightly at the idea of the hours stretching ahead. So the effort is on to reach up as high as I can and ask for some guidance. Why do I feel this way? Please give me some insight. This is something I have only been doing for a week and a half so far. It has helped a lot. But I have to say it gets kind of tedious having to do it all the time. Repetitive tasks do not appeal to me. I want to do it once and have it fixed for good. It doesn’t work like that. It is a constant challenge. I might have a day or two that are really good and I don’t need to ask for help. But inevitably I find myself down again and the effort to reach up seems just so difficult. Why bother when I can wallow in my misery? So it is a battle. A struggle. I don’t know how to reconcile this with the idea of surrender, of letting go. There is a difference that I can’t quite pinpoint yet between letting go and giving up. I can’t surrender to the depression, I have to somehow surrender to the light. Easy to say, near impossible to work out how to do that.

I know I am not truly alone. I am part of the family of humanity. I am part of the family of the blogosphere. I am part of my own family. I am part of my family of friends. But none of my family is here, in the flesh, with me right now.

Meditation

 

I have reached a place of peace for the last few days. What a relief! I have been meditating more every day than usual. I have incorporated a group meditation into my routine as I am now part of a spiritual study group. We link to each other in meditation and this makes it stronger.

I had never felt I was very ‘successful’ at meditation – too much chatter in my mind and I didn’t have much sense of ‘going’ anywhere – I seemed to stay firmly in my body, on my seat. I often used to finish meditation thinking, ‘well that was a waste of time and effort’. I certainly didn’t feel blissed out or calm and peaceful

Quite a few years ago I was taken through a guided meditation by an experienced meditator, astrologer and counsellor. As always I didn’t feel I really achieved anything, I just related the series of images and ideas that floated through my mind. Chatter. Or so I thought. Afterwards, she explained to me the significance of the imagery I had seen. I had been on a journey through my astrological chart – from my Moon sign (which represents the past), through my Sun sign (the present) on to my Ascendant (the future). I was amazed as I’d just thought a whole load of random images were being generated by my lower mind – as I said – random chatter.

So now I tend to trust the process more even if I still don’t feel anything much is happening. That is why I now persevere. I have been doing this on and off for ten years now – mostly off I must admit. For the past year I’ve been more dedicated and have done a little bit every day. In the past week or so I have found that, finally, I am sensing that I am actually connecting to something higher when I meditate. It’s only taken 10 years

Different people experience different things in meditation. For me it has always been very visual – I see images. I usually have no idea what they represent but try to record them in my journal. Other people feel the energy flowing through them, some hear music or sounds, others hear words or have ideas pop into their minds. Occasionally I will feel extremely overheated and will sometimes need to lie down. I figure this is energy pouring into my system.

I am a visual person through and through. I can see things in my minds eye very clearly. I can take an object and mentally rotate it through space and see how it looks from every angle. When I read a book, the characters and situations are like movies in my mind – one reason I usually hate to watch a film version after I’ve read the book – I prefer to watch the film first and then read the book.

I’d like to encourage anybody out there who meditates but feels they get nowhere to persevere. I didn’t and so it has taken ten years to feel I’m getting anywhere. However an intensive effort even over the past three weeks (combined with a year of mantra chanting and reciting) has borne fruit so it shows that perseverance and commitment can pay off in a relatively short space of time.

Trust the process and act as if you are successful. Eventually you will be.

Things I am passionate about

Digital Technology

• Internet
• Web 2.0 (the social web)
• Augmented and Virtual reality

Communication

• Writing
• Blogging
• Deep and meaningful discussions

Nature

• Mountains
• Wilderness
• Rugged coastlines, cliffs and crashing oceans
• Animals / Birds (in the wild not in cages)
• Trees / Plants
• Stormy weather
• Wild and lonely places

Creativity

• Photography
• Film/Video making
• Multimedia development
• Digital art
• Painting

Education

• Online learning
• Use of new and current technologies
• Developing independent thinking
• Building the antakharana (rainbow bridge)

The mind

• Ideas
• Changing paradigms
• Meditation
• Travel (doesn’t really fit here specifically)

Spirituality

• Astrology
• Esoteric Psychology
• Personality integration / soul fusion
• Group work
• Right Human Relations
• Opening the heart centre
• Developing the intuition

There is of course a lot of overlap between these and they are by no means all separate and isolated. Indeed, there are connections between everything and I could, and probably should, use this list to help determine a project to work on, perhaps as a hobby.

I like making connections between things that might not ordinarily been seen as linked. I like a transdisciplinary approach that doesn’t compartmentalise areas. I’d rather look at a problem to solve and use tools and knowledge from many areas to solve it.

Fern symbology

I love new growth and buds on plants. This fern lives on Sarah Island in Tasmania – an old convict settlement. Set in a very beautiful but inhospitable area near Strahan on the West Coast; I marvelled at how people survived there hundreds of years ago. The island itself was extended by hand to increase its size. It really was incredibly beautiful if you stopped by as a visitor on a day trip. To live there with no hope of leaving? I don’t think I’d have liked that. Nobody likes to be imprisoned and many of the convicts to Australia were sent so far from home for minor or imaginary crimes.

I wonder if they took any joy and pleasure in the nature all around them or if they longed for home and family? It makes me appreciate so much the liberty I have and the people in my life. Looking at plants like this gives new hope for fresh starts and new growth. We are all a work in progress, just like this fern. As long as we too, keep on growing, we will survive.

Policy change

Ok I admit it. I’ve been way too focussed on finding a man and having a relationship. As though nothing else in the world can make me happy or give me fulfilment. It’s been an idée fixe for almost a year now. And having come close, last year, to what I thought was the ‘real thing this time’; I admit to a teeny little twist of obsession creeping in. I grabbed hold of the idea and hung on like the proverbial bulldog unwilling to slacken my jaws and ‘drop it’.

It seems we all want to love and be loved. Especially by that one significant other, if we are lucky enough to find him or her. But holding on to the idea that only that will make me happy is unhealthy. And it is untrue as well. I am sure there are many single, unattached people out there who are quite happy and content with their lives as they are. I have not been one of them recently.

I am turning my attention away from that yearning for a partner for a while. I want to focus on my self growth. I have a sense that if I get myself sorted out in terms of what it is I want to do ‘in the world’ as well as building the bridges with my own higher self, then I may be in a position to attract the right partner. But even if I never do then at least I’ll have satisfaction and fulfilment from knowing I am doing something worthwhile and meaningful with my life.

I don’t want to sound negative, but the truth is that some people never find that special someone to share the rest of their life with (or even part of it). Does that mean their lives were wasted? Futile? No I don’t believe that is true. I do think love is extremely important but it doesn’t have to be expressed as intimate, romantic, sexual love. As long as you can love in other ways you have lived. If you can love in the romantic sense too then you are lucky.

It is a cliché but one I believe to be accurate – when you are happy within yourself without external factors influencing you the entire time, then, and only then, can you really find a satisfying relationship. I will say that some people reach this stage of self love through a wonderful relationship so it can happen in many ways. We all have different paths to take – some grow through relationships, others don’t have satisfying relationships until they have grown ready for it.

I don’t think I will attract the right person into my life if I am in the depths of despair. Friends last night commented on the difference in me between then and last Wednesday evening when I last saw them. I was in a terrible state last Wednesday. They said I was white as a sheet and ‘shut down’, withdrawn. Last night I was much more vivacious and bright and they remarked how much more appealing I looked when I was animated. This was in no way any sort of put down to what I was like last week. But I realised that I am not usually interested in men I meet who are ‘closed off’. What I find really attractive is a man who has a passion for something in his life. The last man I loved was passionate about literature and he just lit up as he spoke about it. I found that very sexy! The first time he kissed me was the day I showed him around my new house and neighbourhood and was glowing with excitement and warmth.

I have things I am passionate about in my life but they tend to get overlooked or downplayed when I am focussed too much on other things. It is time to reconnect with those passions, spend some time doing those things I really love and enjoy. And perhaps sometime, if I’m lucky, the right man will come along and join me. But I cannot live my live as if that was the only thing that mattered to me. I will find other ways to express the love that I sometimes feel bursting out of me.

The age old war… dark vs light

I am feeling myself sliding down the slippery slope into that black hole again – depression. This is one area where I do not intend to let go and surrender to the inevitable. I feel I am waging an almighty war at the moment to keep myself in the light. And I believe, this time, the light will win out. So often in the past I’ve dived headlong into that pit of despair and crashed to the bottom. Unable to even see a glimpse of light I’ve not been able to find the way to climb out.

I am not a morning person. I have always been a night owl. I have always found that morning is my worst time – I awake with the churning stomach that bears no resemblance to what is going on in my world. I wake with the sense of futility. But step by step, throughout the day, I pull myself a bit further up that slippery slope until, by the time I retire for the night, I can be almost positive and optimistic. Only to slip down the slope again in my sleep. I really should tie myself to the nearest rock shouldn’t I?

It is as if there are two sides to me. I can actually stand aside and observe this depressive person and know that her reasoning is false. This other part of me knows the world is a wonderful place full of joy and beauty just waiting to be embraced. I try to identify more and more with this side of me. I couldn’t see this side of me in my earlier years. In fact she’s only really put in an appearance recently. She is my saviour when I walk this fine line between light and dark. She is pure light. I know the other side, the one that teeters on the brink of that abyss, is just full of hurt and pain and just longs and yearns with every ounce of her being to be loved and accepted. But she looks externally for that love instead of turning to the other part that is full of light and joy.

Slowly, I am learning to release others in my life from the responsibility and burden of being my sustenance and support. I have the most amazing friends who I love so much and who do so much for me. Some of you are here online – I can’t begin to express the difference to my life it has made being in contact with like minds on here. My friends support and help me as much as they can (which is a great deal) but I have tended to lean too heavily on them at times. Now I am learning to lean on myself and not expect someone else to rescue me.

Every time I now feel pulled to that abyss I consciously stop and look upward to the light. I ask for a lifeline to anchor me and ask that light be shone down to light my way. It works. Slowly, so slowly. It takes a lot of work – it is a constant process. But I am now trying. To succumb to the dark is habitual for me – an automatic response. It is the easy way out, the line of least resistance. But there is nothing easy about it, nothing productive about it, nothing fulfilling about it. It is a dark, scary place that I want to avoid if I can. I’ve spent many years in that place, I know it so well I could give guided tours

I slip up. I have days where I just wallow in self pity. My poor friend had to endure me like that yesterday when he’d taken me out to try to cheer me up. He is so sweet and he really wants to help me, but he has never experienced the depths of the dark and try as he might I don’t think he can grasp what I experience. I don’t feel ‘heard’ when I talk to him and I hold only myself responsible for that. But yesterday I was not a pleasant companion and he put up with that – how lucky am I to have people like this in my life?

And just for the record, I am getting some professional support through all of this.

He…

He doesn’t get me

He wants to help… but he can’t understand

He took me out today and we sat on a rug under a gum tree

For three hours we drank wine and talked

He’s not happy with his life either

But he doesn’t feel it as I do

The sense of futility, of waste

He still believes, still has hope

Still keeps his life full and busy to avoid being alone

He tries to ‘cheer me up’, jolly me along

It will be alright… but will it?

We were lovers for a short while a few months back

That was good, that helped me so much

But it didn’t last long enough

… it seemed to come between our friendship

But being held for a while, loved for a while

Was just something I craved… still crave

To make me feel whole and human again.

Deva play

Why do I take photographs? Why do I write? I long to create, to capture in creative form the world as I experience it. Tonight I feel a measure of peace. I am back from my evening walk. The struggle will continue but for now I am at rest. A pause in the chaos of living.

It is through creative endeavour that I feel I connect with others and with the universe. I feel a connection with these plants when I try to capture their essence. I sense, subliminally, the devas calling me to play, to take their image and keep it forever. This particular lantana bloom has long since died but it lives on in this photo and in my soul. I’ve experienced it and it has become a part of me. It always was a part of me. For this bloom and I are connected in ways I cannot even begin to imagine.

Next time you are outside stop for a while. Pause beside a tree or a flower. See if you can sense the deva – the underlying energy or being that vivifies that plant. See the vibrant colours, inhale the wonderful scent, touch the rough bark or the velvety petals. Close your eyes. Can you hear the deva asking you to play?

I just want you to know who I am

I posted some Goo Goo Dolls lyrics the other day:

“I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand”

I think we all have part of ourselves that we hide away for fear that others won’t understand us and will reject us. I’ve hidden and repressed parts of myself for years – those socially unacceptable and politically incorrect aspects. I don’t want to be rejected anymore than the next person.

“I just want you to know who I am”

It feels very important to me all of a sudden to just be me. This blog is the place I can show who I am – the good, the bad and the ugly. It is a safe place to express and hopefully not spill poison on anyone else. I want to be me but I don’t want to hurt others in the process.

I am honoured to find those of you here who understand and accept me. Thankyou so much. It feels so good to feel I am not alone in this sometimes lonely world.

If you don’t accept me then that is ok too – it is your choice.

Blessings to you all.

(and for once I’m quoting someone a bit more contemporary than Shakespeare )

An explanation

As you will by now have realised if you read this blog, I have a shadow side. It has been out and about rather a lot since the weekend. It is pretty dark, warped and twisted and I usually attempt to shut it away from the world – nobody wants to know about jealousy, anger, self pity, revulsion, envy and all those other darker emotions. But suppressing this side only works for so long. Suddenly it will rear its ugly head and make up for being hidden away by taking over my life for a while. It may be an hour or two or it may be days.

I have a light, bright side too. It is the one I put on at work to hide that anything is the matter. It is the one I try to present to the world at large. But it is also the one that reaches as high as it can toward that greater light. It strives to be the best it can be, and works so hard on seeing things as wonderful, beautiful, good and true.

I alternate between these two sides. They are divorced from each other and therein lies the real problem. The light side rejects the dark. That is not how nice people think or act, says the light to the dark, you are bad and evil and don’t deserve to come out and be seen.

Meanwhile the dark side sneers at the light saying, what would you know about life? What do you know about pain and suffering? The dark rejects the light.

What I think is happening is this. As I go along through life, making an effort to grow and evolve, I try to reach for my higher self, soul, god, divine, universe … whatever you want to call it. I call it the soul. I catch a tiny glimpse very occasionally. The light pours in to my system from this contact and stirs up the darkness. The “monsters” come out blinking into this light to see what is going on and decide they are going to play for a while.

From the reading I have done, this is actually a recognisable stage on the way to soul identification. The personality is very ego-centric and self important and doesn’t want to be overshadowed by this soul thing. So it puts up an almighty fight and struggle because it wants to be the boss. It also still identifies with the desires of the lower self and wants to meet those desires and urges.

So I oscillate between three points somehow; the lower animal side that wants its own way and has no controls; the personality that has a measure of self control and can operate in the world and hold down a job; and then the soul, the REAL me, that I can only glimpse rarely. I want to be identified with that soul all of the time. For me that is difficult. Some people feel the soul and the love naturally and easily in their everyday lives. I don’t. I meditate every day. Every single day. I have done that for a year now. I still feel as though I am getting nowhere. I don’t experience bliss or joy or even calm and peace. It feels as though nothing is happening but I persevere.

Then every now and then I am rewarded. I will be out walking and I’ll just be filled with joy at the natural world around me. I will stand, gazing in awe, for half an hour at two butterflies feeding and dancing with each other. Or I will read the beautiful comments or posts that fellow bloggers post and I will feel gratitude and love flood my being. It happens more often these days but it doesn’t last long. But it is a sign that my perseverance may just be paying off.

But the downside is that the light shining in causes crises in my lower self – the one that is selfish and wants what it wants and doesn’t care about anyone else. And these crises are also coming more and more often now. But you know what? It actually is a sign of success. It means I am getting somewhere. But I only appreciate this when I dis-identify from the emotions or the thoughts – and that is hard to do.

Someone reminded me last night that as well as dis-identifying from the lower self I also need to reach up and ask for help. Ask the soul to shine light down and give me some insights into what I am experiencing and how to deal with it. Let me tell you it is a struggle to do this. Part of me can’t be bothered. Part of me wants to just give in and say this is it and throw in the towel. That side wins out for days at a time. Then somehow I pull myself together and make the effort. At first nothing happens. This is the hardest thing I’ve found – to persevere when nothing changes – to have faith and trust that things are happening that I am not consciously aware of. There is no instant gratification.

My friends this is a hard row to hoe. But it is something we all have to do at some stage. Some of you have already done it in the past. Some will face it in the future. Many of you I know are going through it right now as am I. Nobody escapes forever. It is part of our journey home to that place many of us seem to yearn to return to on some level. Sometimes it disheartens me to think I have to just keep on going through all of this. But when I look at the big picture I realise I have to do it sometime so why not now? I will reap the rewards at some unknowable stage in the future. But I will reap the benefits. And so will all of you who also struggle.

And I must find a way to redeem those monsters! They are hurting too and they deserve to live in the light. But I am sure you haven’t seen the last of them here on this blog!

More angst

I want to go home. Return back to where I came from. I want the pain to end. I want a rest from all of this.

You say I over-react. What would you know about it? You are not me, you don’t feel as I feel. Who sets the standard for what a reaction should or shouldn’t be?

Can’t you see it is not just this one isolated thing? It is the compounded pain built up over a lifetime.

I am different from you. I’m not proud of the fact. You know how to be happy even if you’re not happy all the time.

For me it always comes back to this pain I feel right now. I am wired this way. Always, and often, I am back here in this place.

This is not just a down period in my life – this is my life. Why should it change? If right now, in this moment, I feel this pain then this is the ultimate point I have reached. I have not broken free.

They say we are never given more than we can handle. But I don’t want to handle this – I may be able to but it is not what I want. So much of my life is doing things I must rather than things I want. What use is all of this to anyone?

Is life meant to be enjoyable? Are we meant to be happy, content? I have fucked up royally if so. How can you get things so wrong? I can’t identify a single choice that led me to this point.

You will say I am full of self pity. You will say I am full of shit. You will say I am ungrateful. You’d be right. I am all those things. It is part of my fuckup.

I can’t bear to hurt those I love so I put off the return and battle the pain. Or surrender to it. I tell myself I can handle this – I should be used to it by now. Yet somehow I never do get used to it. One day, when my loved ones are gone, then the pain can finally end.

I am faulty goods. I should ask for a refund, get a new model that works properly. I am the proverbial square peg – that surely wasn’t what I ordered? Did I slip up after too many drinks in the astral bar between lives? Did I tick the wrong box on the application form?

Please, Universe, I filled it out wrong – can I have another go please? Next time I’ll make sure I read the fine print first!

Heartfelt

It really is all about thinking with the heart isn’t it?

The mind is a wonderful thing but it can lead us astray.

Follow your heart…

In my head…

And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

(Iris, Goo Goo Dolls)

The Zenuria manifesto

I have decided to surrender, let go. I cannot go through another weekend like the one I’ve just experienced. I know it was a huge over-reaction to events and that is what scares me so much about it.

On my birthday a few weeks ago I wrote that I was going to go with the flow from now on and accept life as it came to me. I haven’t been doing that – now I have been reminded of the fact. I have had a test thrown at me and I reacted badly.

I wrote just the other day about Buddhism and the idea that desire is the cause of all suffering and I can see that strongly applies in my life. The Buddhist approach is to work on releasing all desire by disciplining the lower vehicles (body, emotions, lower mind) and aligning with the higher mind – the mind of clear light.

I am all talk, no action most of the time. I spout all this idealistic stuff but don’t discipline myself to act on it. I have desires and expectations and it is these (and the non-fulfilment of them) that brings me pain and suffering. So I really need to let go and surrender those desires and expectations. It will not be easy by any means. In some ways I dread the process. But my current approach to life doesn’t work.

So, I release and let go of the following desires and expectations:

• To meet a wonderful man with whom I can have a fulfilling relationship
• To reach my full potential and make best use of my skills, abilities and talents
• To find mental stimulation in my paid work
• To live authentically and find my true purpose
• To increase my social circle to include more like-minded souls who can accept me for who I am
• To find my team or group – those colleagues with whom I can work to achieve something great
• To serve in the world in some way to repay all that has been given to me (I mean good stuff)
• To plumb the depths of my emotions, communicate them and not be rejected for them
• To work on my self development, becoming a better person
• To find peace, contentment and tranquillity
• To find fulfilment and meaning in my life

Some advanced Buddhist practise involves meditating on death and the breakdown and destruction of the body after death. The aim is to remove all fear of death. So I think I need to meditate on the idea that my life is all it will ever be right now. That things may never change; I will always be alone; I will never fulfil my potential; I will never discover my life’s purpose. I need to visualise life’s blows and knocks. I need to do that to accept my life today and to not always look to the future (a future that never eventuates). So that I am not knocked for a loop all the time. I do not mean to say that I am giving up – that I am defeated. No, I still have hope for better things but I need to let go of the expectation of better things. If I can accept my life right now, then, and only then, can I truly be alive.

This will be very difficult as I am stuck in many habits of thought and behaviour and I will revert naturally to these. I need to try to be mindful of everything I do, say and think. Letting go is the biggest lesson for me right now and it is a toughie. I need to let go of the idea of letting go

The path…

I want to express my gratitude to you all. Through my struggles last night and today I have somehow reached a place of understanding. Every time I log on I find yet another beautiful comment from someone. It makes the world seem brighter and I feel the connection between all sentient beings and the planet we live on.

I believe in the soul. I have called upon my soul many times and it has answered. I don’t always like what I hear but I need to hear it, deal with it and let it go. It sneaks in tests and messages when and where I least expect it. It is all aimed at making me grow. I resist this like mad sometimes. I want to disappear in an endless mire of self pity – and believe me I’ve done that many times over the years. That is how I ended up depressed. I want it easy and cushy but once you set foot upon the path it becomes difficult and the going is rough. You have to find your own way no matter how many have gone before you. But it is worth all the effort in the end. Life is about growth and evolution. This is my belief.

Life is about choices. We have endless choices about how we live our lives, what we believe and how we act. My choices are mine, your choices are yours. None of those choices make us a worse or a better person. It just makes us who we are. We all have a right to life on this planet. We all have a right to live our lives as we see fit. I do not like it when your choices impinge on someone elses right to live their life, yet I have to accept that too. I have always believed in fighting for what you believe in, for standing up for your principles against all odds. That is because I believe I have good principles. But that is just my belief. I’m not sure what I’m saying here exactly, but I do think that opposition and struggle make us clearer. We must never stop questioning our own assumptions and beliefs. We must never give in to the ‘I am right, you are wrong’ mentality. Never. Even when all evidence seems to suggest that what you do hurts others. It is karma working itself out. It is the way to learn and to evolve.

I don’t know what the right direction is. All I can do is live my life moment to moment, and make the choices that seem right at the time. I may look back and decide they were misguided, but I do my best in the moment.

The soul is one tough cookie. It is not all sweet and comforting. If you ask it a question it will be brutally honest with you. If you ask for lessons it will throw the book at you. It won’t take it easy and be nice and warm and fuzzy. It will test and test and test again. Until you have shown that you have learnt whatever it is that is being taught. Ultimately there may be bliss and joy waiting, but you have to earn them. You have to clear out all the crap that lies within. You ask for light and it shines in and illuminates all the rubbish hoarded for a rainy day.

We live in interesting times. I think that was a Chinese curse wasn’t it? 

These interesting times are leading us to something better. But we need to clear out our basements first and get rid of years of accumulated garbage. It is hard work but worth it in the end when we see the wonderful space we have cleared out ready to be redecorated.

Blessed

I am blessed.

I have many loving, caring friends. I have met so many fantastic, supportive people here online. I connect with so many; know so many go through similar things. We are humans having human experiences – the joys, the sorrows; the ups and downs. This is life.

This is my life. I have made it this way. It is what it is. I need to accept that and let go of the idea it should be any different. It is because of my choices that my life is the way it is right this minute. I take full responsibility – it is nobody elses fault or credit. It is mine and mine alone.

I am the person I am today, for better or worse, because of this life I have been blessed with. Because of what I’ve experienced. If the going is tough then I will forge a new path. If it is sad, then I will learn to find the joy within sorrow. If it is painful then I will learn compassion. Every experience is a lesson with truth at the core of it. Life is a school through which we mould ourselves to become the best people we can be.

I wish to relax and flow with life instead of continually struggling. I wish to accept my life right now for what it is. Enjoy the moment rather than always looking to when things will be better. I have spent a lifetime looking always to the future for contentment, for peace, for tranquillity. It is time, now, to find those things within.

There is so much of beauty and wonder in my life. Right now. Now…

I am blessed.

The search for truth

Part of the human condition seems to be the search for truth and meaning. There appear to me to be three main ways we go about that:

• Religion
• Philosophy
• Science

Science is the relatively recent addition to these processes. Religion and philosophy are much older. All are built from a certain platform of belief. All rely on their adherents agreeing on a common set of assumptions that underpin all further endeavour in that field.

It interests me to think that science has empirically proven certain things that were once in the realm of philosophical endeavour or even religious thought. For example the concept of the atom. Science has shown that the universe is built from these tiny building blocks, an idea that has only been scientific fact for a few hundred years – a relatively short time. Certain Indian and Greek philosophers were putting forward an atomistic view of the world over 2000 years ago – long before it could be empirically proven in any way. It was their belief, based on their reasoning processes, that the world operated this way.

Where did this idea come from? There is certainly nothing to suggest atomic structure from the evidence we receive via our five senses.

Often in science, a great leap forward is made from a non verifiable source – an intuition or a dream. Einstein said: “The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it Intuition or what you will, the solution comes to you and you don’t know how or why”.

This gives the idea to the researcher who can then find ways to test and verify their hypothesis. If the means aren’t available – eg the equipment – then the hypothesis remains just that. But it doesn’t mean it is untrue – it just has not been proven scientifically – YET. It seems to me that science can only deal with a small part of the world we live in today. The physical world for the main part. It investigates and explains physical reality as we experience it.

Think about it. Science is showing that a single particle can simultaneously be in two places at once. Does this make logical, rational sense to you? It doesn’t to me. It is the sort of idea that would have you labelled as a loony at other times in history. Yet science shows it to be true. A systems view of the world is showing how everything is interconnected and everything impacts on everything else. This sounds very much like certain metaphysical ideas including the teachings of many ancient religious/spiritual traditions.

I am a great believer in science. I think it is a vital and important part of our search for truth and meaning. But I also believe it can only tell a part of the story at the moment. Just because something hasn’t been proven true by science doesn’t mean it is false. It is just unproven. My belief set allows me to entertain ideas and hypotheses that haven’t as yet passed the scientific truth test. But they do have to pass my own internal truth test for me to accept them. They have to resonate truthfully with my beliefs.

By no means am I trying to imply that all ideas are true until science has proven otherwise. More I am trying to say that empirical proof is only one form of verification based on the belief that nothing is true unless it has been rigorously tested and the results can be replicated.

None of us know the absolute truth. None of us have the perfect or ideal method to find truth. Yet we all argue blindly that our way is the only way. And that is dangerous.

Subconscious expectations

Last year I fell in love. It didn’t work out. I thought I was moving on with my life, getting over him and letting him go. He’s been overseas for a while and was due to return two weeks ago. I didn’t expect to hear from him on any conscious, rational level. Not even for my birthday (which did make me sad).

I’ve even been involved with someone else since then, although that wasn’t about love at all. Today I feel an almost overwhelming sense of the grief and sadness that has plagued me for the past two weeks. Somehow, deep in my subconscious, I’d given this guy I loved a two week deadline to contact me after his return. I didn’t realise I’d done that until I opened my email this morning. Before it had loaded I had a huge knot in my stomach of anticipation and fear and I suddenly realised I expected to see an email from him.

Of course it wasn’t there. In my conscious awareness I’m glad – I don’t need the complication of dealing with him back in my life. We’d remained friends and saw each other infrequently but regularly. Then he went overseas two months ago and there has been no contact since. I didn’t expect it while he was away as he was backpacking in remote areas. I think I assumed that this was the opportunity for a complete break from each other.

So why the sudden anticipation and then disappointment when no email was forthcoming? Could it be that deep down I hoped that spending time alone overseas travelling would make him have a change of heart? Realise what was really important in his life? Obviously I did. And perhaps he did have such an epiphany, only obviously it didn’t include me in his life.

I’ve worked hard to let him go. I don’t want to get back together with him on any conscious level. But yet again I’m made aware of the subconscious layers in our minds that run their own scripts in our lives without our awareness. Those scripts that sabotage our conscious efforts and make a mockery of our resolutions.

I’m glad I now realise all of this consciously. It means I can deal with it. I will cope, I will survive and I will move forward to meet some other wonderful man. I just wonder how long it takes to finally let someone go?

Inspiration, imagination, ideas and the mind

I am in need of a good dose of inspiration.

According to Wikipedia’s definition of inspiration: Literally, the word means “breathed upon.”

I’ve been attempting to look up the neurology of imagination on the web today. I’m curious to know more about this ability. I have always had a very vivid imagination and it seems in constant need of exercise. Nothing brings me down quicker than having to do things that require no imaginative capacity.

For a while now I’ve been looking for something to really get my mind stuck into. A project to stimulate and enthuse me, to get me all fired up, curious and animated. These projects practically never coincide with my paid work – they are things I take on in my own time. I’ve done much study over the years, fired up by the thought of investigating something of interest in depth. Somehow academic study never lives up to that promise – for me at any rate. There seem always too many restrictions and boundaries to knowledge. I really enjoy transdisciplinary studies – bringing different disciplines together to further our knowledge and understanding.

What would inspire me right now?

• Running a project investigating the neurological and cognitive effects of augmented and virtual reality on participants
• Creating an augmented reality movie experience where the audience participate in the story line and drive the action collectively
• Attempting to mimic telepathy and other ‘futuristic’ mental abilities through the use of non-invasive technology
• Building a complete picture of how people learn by combining cognitive science, neuroscience, philosophy, psychology, astrology, anthropology, biology and sociology (and any other –ologies that might apply)
• Investigating ‘ideas’ – where do they come from? Do they exist as entities somewhere before they reach human consciousness or do they only exist after they’ve been thought of (eg in Popper’s World 3 or in Sheldrake’s morphic fields). How do they propagate down into our minds? How do they flow back up into the collective realms?

There are probably other projects that I’d enjoy too. None of these are ‘hobbies’ that I can undertake in the comfort of my own home with my own resources. All of these would require serious funding and serious resource commitment – something I am in no position to acquire.

I want to bring all sorts of ideas, concepts, theories and disciplines together in a giant think tank to explore the more ‘extreme’ and leading edges of human endeavour. To push the boundaries somewhat, to create new paradigms. And most of all to investigate the true power of this mind we are all born with and how it can best be put to use for the benefit of all mankind and the planet.

But for now I’ll just have to stick with blogging. And my paid job.

I am in great need of being ‘breathed upon.’

Taming the wild beasts

I just know that there is an ocean full of joy, wonder and delight inside me. I tap into it sometimes – particularly when I am out of doors in a beautiful, natural spot. I feel it often on my evening walk. It surrounds me when I am amongst mighty mountains. Driving along with the wind in my hair through beautiful scenery stirs my heart and soul. Watching birds and animals thrills me and the tiniest detail of light or texture can entrance me.

I just don’t understand why I can’t access that joy, wonder and delight all the time. I seem to get caught up in negativity and moodiness and they tend to take over control of my reactions to things around me. I don’t like that and I do want to master this tendency. Is it in my nature to be a depressive? A moody type? Is it my brain chemistry that leads me to be this way? I know my thoughts can spiral around endlessly in a downward trend. Why can’t they spiral upward instead?

Is happiness a learnt trait? Why do some people seem born with it and others not? I was an extremely happy child by all accounts. I had a few events in my early youth that impacted on me (around age 11-12). Of course that was also just as puberty was kicking in and the hormone factory firing up. I know hormones play a huge role in mood – ask any woman! From a joyful child I turned into a moody teenager and then a broody, depressive adult.

I refuse to accept that we are to be at the mercy of our hormones and other chemicals. True happiness comes from beyond the physical body and brain. True joy is independent of external circumstances. I am determined to reach this state but seem to sabotage myself over and over. It is all a chance to learn and to recognise what is going on and let it go.

My lower mind runs the show most of the time. I have always identified with my mind much more than with my body or my emotions. But it is just a tool at the end of the day – a tool to take in, store and process information. It is not the sum total of me. And it is impacted on by my emotions and body and it influences them in its turn.

I think the key must be to lift above these vehicles and to learn to discipline and train them – using them as tools rather than letting them take charge. Discipline has never been my strong suit. Patience has never appealed to me. Repetition bores me. Yet these three things are needed if I am to master the wild beasts of my lower nature.

Intolerance and Truth

How ironic. There is one thing I am really intolerant of. Intolerance.

Although I have grown up in Australia, my roots still lie strongly buried in the soil of Northern Ireland. The majority of my family still live there. I have been back to visit several times. I have seen the damage caused in Belfast by religious intolerance. I have seen the impact it has had on my own family. An interfaith marriage caused many dramas for many years. Some of the ramifications of that echo on to this day.

Intolerance can take many forms – religious, racial, scientific, philosophical, gender, sexual persuasion and so on. Intolerance means focussing on differences between ‘us’ and ‘them’. Intolerance is when you disagree with someone else’s views and decide they don’t have a right to hold those views.

In my own opinion, I have no problem with anybody holding different views and beliefs provided they don’t hurt anyone. Provided they practise harmlessness. I don’t even mind if they tell me I am wrong in my beliefs provided they respect my right to hold them.

I believe in science. I believe in evolution. Yet I also believe in karma, reincarnation and astrology. Things that haven’t YET been scientifically proven accurate or true. But I have a friend who mocks me and ridicules me for these beliefs. He doesn’t agree. I don’t mind that he doesn’t agree, but I do object to being ridiculed. I don’t have a blind belief in these things because someone told me to. I believe them because I have accumulated evidence that fits my own ‘criteria’ of the truth.

I was always sceptical of astrology. I am fairly sceptical by nature. Ten years ago an astrologer read my chart for me and could tell me exactly the way my mind worked, the thought patterns I tended to have and the way I approached life. She didn’t know me. But she was spot on. She could see things that nobody else knew about me. So I got interested and started to research and learn for myself. All I have learnt has only reinforced the accuracy of astrology in my own life. So I choose to believe in it because it works for me and it makes my life easier to understand. Contradictions in my character are there in the chart. It is a tool that helps me make sense of my world.

There is much more out there that is valid than has been proved by the scientific community at this time. I prefer to keep an open mind about things and see if they ring true for me. That doesn’t mean they are true – just true for me. We all see the world through different lenses. We all have different world views. None of us are wrong and none of us are right. We just need to be true to ourselves and ensure we hurt nobody else because of our beliefs.

We, as humans, have much more in common with each other than we have differences. Why don’t we focus on that side of things? I bet if aliens invaded the planet tomorrow we’d suddenly all be human-centric and little things like colour, gender, sexual orientation and religious beliefs would suddenly cease to be so important.

I believe there are many paths to Truth. Truth is what matters at the end of the day. Ultimate Truth. But I don’t think any of us alive on the planet are wise enough at this point in time to determine what the ultimate truth is. We are all searching for it in our own ways. I just wish we could all respect each other for being on the same quest even if we take different paths.

But the irony of my being intolerant of intolerance is not wasted on me

Living and letting go

Wow. What an unpredictable birthday I’ve had.

First I awoke at 7.20am when the power went off. It stayed off for two hours. It is the first power cut since I moved in here 4 months ago. Then a friend took me out to the winery region for lunch and we got lost. Finally we got to the winery we intended to go to. As my friend hadn’t told me where we were going I hadn’t been able to point out when we went the wrong way. But it worked out fine in the end.

Then this evening another friend took me for a ride in the hills in a 1963 (same year as me ) MG convertible. What a ride, with the top down driving through the hills on a balmy summer evening. Then we ran out of petrol! My friend knew we were getting low but he didn’t anticipate how low. We managed to coast down a huge hill to a small town but at 8.30pm out of the city there was no petrol station open. We had to wait for 30 minutes for the RAA to arrive with some spare petrol. It was such a lovely evening and such a beautiful spot it was no hardship to sit there and chat.

I tend to think that what happens on your birthday sets the tone for the year. So I wondered what these events were indicating to me. I think the message (if there is one) is that I need to accept there are many things I just have no control over, so I should just sit back and go with the flow. The power cut didn’t inconvenience me in any way, the getting lost meant we drove through some beautiful uncharted territory and we did get to our destination eventually. And the drive in the MG was exhilarating and even running out of petrol was funny. An adventure.

So I aim to live life more spontaneously this year. I will let go and not try to control events. I will allow life to take me where it thinks I should go even if it is not the most direct path. And I’ll laugh at the ‘misfortunes’ that occur. For I will get where I need to go, in the time I’m meant to get there. And I might as well enjoy the ride!

45

Today.

What is it about birthdays that make you pensive?

Another year gone? Less years ahead? No, none of these things I think. Do I worry I’m getting older? No, I don’t. As my mother once said, ‘it beats the alternative’.

Like any milestone in our lives – New Year, birthday, anniversary – it is often a time when we stop and take stock of the fact that a whole year has passed since we were last here. Time to reflect on our journey and our progress. How much have we achieved?

This time last year I was packing my things ready to fly out ‘tomorrow’ for three months in India. That seems like another lifetime to me now. I am definitely not the same person I was 12 short months ago. I’ve come a very long way in this past year.

Today someone important to me flies back into the country after 5 weeks in Asia. Someone who was important to me I should say. He is part of that year that has just passed. He doesn’t have a place in the year that is to come. He was a part of my 2007, part of my ‘44′ year. A very good part and a very painful part. Yes both. Do I wish things had turned out differently. Yes, I do. But they didn’t. And they won’t. So time to let him go completely and move ahead into the next phase of my life.

I have a feeling 2008, and ‘45′, are going to be really good years for me. I hope they are for everyone else too.

Hollywood’s myths of real love

I’ve just finished watching ‘The Lake House’. 

Damn these Hollywood movies – they are so unrealistic – always happy ever after. Real life just isn’t like that. 

Why can’t real life be like the movies? Why can’t true love win out in the end? Where are the guys who are scared of commitment in the movies? They always get converted by the love of the right woman right?

Our image of love has been falsified by the whole movie industry I think. We’ve been brought up to believe in soul mates and in happy ever after. That true love wins out. But it doesn’t always work out like that in reality. We are brainwashed into unrealistic expectations and then we suffer when our lives don’t live up to the myth.

I do believe in love. Real love. I am not so sure it can overcome all obstacles though. I don’t believe love is all you need anymore. Not when it comes to romantic love anyway. Perhaps romantic love isn’t really love at all.

End of the year of false starts

It is the end of 2007. It has been a really full-on year. My friend and I call it the year of false starts. We are hoping that 2008 will be the year of true starts! I’ve had one of the most eventful years of my life, with many good things happening, but there is no denying it has been tough. I’ve been through the wringer emotionally but I also know I’ve grown up a lot and am much clearer on what I want out of life. I spent the first four months of the year travelling and doing voluntary work alone in India, Nepal and Tibet. I came home and decided to stop being so restless so I got a job, bought a house and fell in love. I guess I plan to tell these stories as I go along with this blog. I have a great need to write about my experiences – usually I journal in notebooks – but now I’ve decided I might as well journal online.