Life or death

I like to read biographies. So many of the people I have been interested in and have read about are now dead. Their joys, sorrows, grief and happiness are all long gone. Life is short when seen against the big picture. I often wonder if there is any real point to it all. After all, why do we feel these things so much when one day they will no longer matter? And that day is not so far off as we may sometimes think.

Is there a point to a life? If unhappy should we cling on desperately to living in the hopes of somehow achieving something or leaving a legacy behind? What does it matter? Just another petty person with a petty life – would the world be any different without it?

I guess I’ve tended to believe that the point is not in what we amass along the way, or even in the legacies we leave behind. I always thought the point was to refine ourselves so we evolve and grow toward the light. Ready for the next peurile incarnation. Maybe, one day, far in the distant future, we may have got ourselves to a place where we can help others and help the planet we live on in some tangible way. ‘

It would be nice to be of use to those higher beings who look after Earth and humanity. But stuck in a dysfunctional personality doesn’t seem to lend itself to that. Wouldn’t one be better off leaving the personality, emotions, lower mind and body behind? Working as a soul without all the distraction from lower down?

Everyone says it is all about love. Learning to love, learning to BE love. Intellectually I believe this 100%. In the abstract it makes perfect sense and seems ideal. Some people are lucky enough to feel and experience love – they know it is real and important. I don’t just mean romantic love or personal love. I know people who genuinely feel love and connection with the whole human family and beyond. Who feel they are never alone. How wonderful that must be.

So does one keep up the struggle even when all seems hopeless? Or is it better to just let it all go and return to that place we came from in the first place? Surely it can’t be anywhere near as lonely over there?

Vita Brevis

Oh I am inspired.

Over the weekend I finally got around to reading Vita Brevis by Jostein Gaarder (also published as That Same Flower).

This story is just begging to be turned into a film. I could just see it all running in my mind’s eye as I read it. What a story of intrigue, drama and tragedy. And supposedly true.

In brief, it is a translation by Gaarder of a 16th Century manuscript he found in a shop in Buenos Aries. The manuscript is allegedly a copy of a 4th Century letter from Floria Aemilia to St Augustine (then the Bishop of Hippo). She was the woman mentioned in his ‘Confessions’ with whom he lived for over a decade and had a son. Writing many years after her banishment from him and her son, she gives her view on his philosophy and fills in some gaps in his confessions.

Whether true or not, it makes for a memorable story. The woman just springs off the page, alive and vibrant and passionate. I love her

And I can relate to her story so much – I identified very strongly with her. Her words just resonated through my psyche the whole time I was reading. She has fascinated me and filled my thoughts and I think if ever I were to take the plunge and attempt to write a screenplay she would be the inspiration and heroine.

P.S. ‘Vita Brevis’ translates as ‘life is short’.

What is love anyway?

Ok so I found out that love was my primary requirement in a relationship. But just what is love anyway? It is a slippery little sucker really. I looked up various definitions and they vary quite a lot. So I decided to define for myself what I consider love to be. After all, that is the only definition that really matters to me. So how did I define love? I spent a long time on this before refining it down to the following characteristics. This doesn’t include that mysterious, indefinable something that love really is – but I know that when I feel it. I was more inclined to come up with almost a list of behaviours that I can measure future experiences against:

• Connection – soul, mind, heart, body, interdependence
• Understanding – empathy, compassion
• Acceptance – non judgemental, freedom to be self
• Wanting what is best for the other

There are other things I want in a relationship such as commitment, intimacy and passion, but to me they are separate entities and not part of love itself. You can have all without love and you can love without any.

I believe I have experienced giving love in the above way but haven’t as yet received it. In a relationship context it has to be two way for me – it isn’t enough for one to love in the above manner and the other not. If both love as above, then both will get their needs respected and met where possible. I stress that this applies to my life only, I wouldn’t want to be seen to be giving a definitive account.  After all everyone is different, each couple is different. You may read the above definition and go, nup, not what I have or want at all. But, for now, this is what I am on the lookout for.

I’d “love” to read your definitions of love. How does love manifest in your life? What are the qualities and characteristics you have or want?

Primary values

A friend took me through an exercise yesterday supposedly designed to uncover your primary value or main driver in the area of family, work and relationships. Mine came out as follows:

Family: acceptance

Work: team

Relationship: love

Apparently ‘love’ is actually not all that commonly identified as the prime value for a relationship. The friend who took me through this for instance, identified ‘presence’ as her key value. Presence in the sense of someone being there and being attentive toward her. Another friend of mine, who hasn’t done the exercise, I believe would come up with ‘creativity’ or ‘working together’ as a core value. Others choose companionship, security, wanting a family, intimacy etc. But for me it is love. I was actually pleased because that result was actually congruent with what my conscious mind says is my prime value.

For work, the thing I value most is working in a team in a cooperative, collaborative manner. I love it when that happens – which is quite often in my current job. That side of it I love but it isn’t always there because we tend to work on disparate projects. Only when we all focus on the same project at the same time (eg coming up to a release) does that magical ‘buzz’ happen. Then I feel alive.

Acceptance was my key value for family. And I do feel accepted within my family no matter how ‘different’ I might be from them sometimes. I don’t think they always understand me but they accept and support me regardless. That is a very great blessing. I know I can count on them whenever I need to. They won’t let me down.

So really I have little to complain of. I have a wonderful, accepting family. I work with an incredible team of people who do cooperate and collaborate really well and with good humour. I don’t have a love relationship as yet but that will come in time.

Time to count my blessings

A rose and a ring

a rose
delicate crystal
exquisitely beautiful
fragile and delicate
epitome of beauty
flimsy, insubstantial
a wondrous ornament
to be placed out of reach in a locked case
where it can be gazed upon and touched only rarely
forged by skilled craftsman over weeks of careful, intricate work 

a love
romantic and new
excitingly passionate sublime
to be tenderly guarded and kept pristine
easily damaged – so handled with care

 

a ring
sparkling diamond
exquisitely beautiful
strong and enduring
epitome of beauty
solid and resilient
a wondrous ornament
to be placed on the finger in full view
where it can be gazed upon and touched every day
forged by the skill of nature over eons of great heat and pressure

a love
enduring and true
standing the test of time
the pressure and stress of daily routine
robust and durable – will always be there

related post

Anniversary

one year ago
 our first deep kiss
  you said
   “feels good and right to me -
    I want you”
     hazel gazed into green eyes
      our passion woke and tantalised
       soft future promise spoke
        I’ll stay with you
         next week
          dazed and happy I was
           I fell in love
            with you it seemed I had it all

            three nights ago
           our bodies merge
          you come
         in a veil of secrecy -
        you want me
       hazel gazes in green eyes
      our passion wakes and satisfies
     soft future promise speak
    you’ll stay with me
   next month
  am I happy you ask
 I am and yet
I know you can give no more

Deep within

Deep within
 You are
  Inside me
   Of me
    We join
     Union deep and mystical
      I breathe you in

Deep within
 I am
  Inside you
   Of you
    We meld
     Passion intense and physical
      You breathe me in

Deeper within
 We are
  Inside us
   Of us
    We merge
     Love clean and spiritual
      We breathe us in

Deepest within
 Where ends one
  Where begins another
   Meld as one
    We are
     United one being
      Must this end?

Prayer

I tried something different last night. Usually I meditate for an hour in the evening. I sat down to do this, but decided at the last minute to pray instead. The session did end up an hour long and I did some spontaneous meditation within it but I didn’t do the normal routine.

I can’t remember ever really praying. It has never been part of my upbringing. My mother had a very hell-fire and damnation type upbringing so she and my dad left us free to develop our own belief system growing up. I’ve always tended more toward visualisation which is more of a meditative technique.

Last night it just felt right to pray. I wasn’t even sure who to pray to. God? That is a bit of a foreign term to me but isn’t that who one prays to? I guess I am loosely a Christian by birth (if anything) but have always been more interested in Buddhism. So praying to Mary or Jesus didn’t seem appropriate. (as an aside I do believe in the Christ, just as I believe in Buddha – they are brothers).

Eventually I prayed to the Solar Angel that is my soul. I prayed for the things I want and need in my life. I didn’t bargain or beg. I stated my wishes whilst accepting that it wasn’t my decision to make as to whether my wishes were granted. I’ll admit, I asked them to send me Tom – soon. I didn’t pray for P to change or for us to end up together. That is not where I am at. I didn’t pray for a new job or a change to this one. I prayed for the ability to accept. I prayed to be happy. I asked for the strength to continue on even when things seemed bleak.

After the prayer/meditation finished I realised that I had asked for what I wanted (ask and ye shall receive). Something I don’t usually do – I usually either go into demand mode or I ‘give up’. Or I make a case or try to bargain (give me this and I’ll do that…) So I asked for help, guidance, support and love. Then I realised that I also had to really let it all go. I asked, now I need to let go of those wants and needs, and accept the outcome.

Lying in bed I visualised all these aspects of my life as balloons, the strings of which I was clutching tightly in my hand. One balloon was P. One was Tom. Another was a challenging, creative job. The meditation group was another balloon. One by one I visualised letting them go. Do you know, they all bobbed up and down a bit but they didn’t actually float off – they hung around me still. And the “Tom” balloon floated toward me even more. I don’t know what it means but I just stopped clutching those strings and trying to pull them toward me.

As I drifted off to sleep I suddenly saw this face in my mind. A twinkly eyed smiling male face. It just filled me with joy and warmth. I don’t know if it was “Tom” but whoever it was I liked him

This morning I feel acceptance again. I don’t feel good – on a scale of 1-10 my emotional state is probably around a 4. But I don’t feel anxious at the moment. I didn’t feel the need to visualise Tom this morning (by the way I also keep getting the name Roger popping in my head – how jolly. No crying today.

Letting go (detachment) is the hardest lesson I have ever dealt with. It really is a life lesson for me and I keep getting tested over and over. I have worked consciously on it for about 5 years now. It is when I cling that I am unhappy. Letting go, going with the flow of life is the best way for me. I find I get in my own way when I attach myself to outcomes and people. (Scorpio moon is not good at detachment). It is exactly why I was born with a Scorpio moon – because I need to learn detachment. And in the area of love I ‘attach’ and cling the most. Because I always have this feeling that I’ll never again meet anyone as wonderful and special as the man of the moment. I don’t meet them often – but they do turn up now and again. If one isn’t right, for whatever reason, I have to detach and move on. How much energy is wasted clinging to the sinking life raft, struggling to keep it afloat by sheer willpower, instead of swimming blind to find a solid and secure boat?

I don’t know if my prayers will be answered. I can’t dwell on it for too long. Thy will not my will be done. Whatever will be, will be. I’m not sure how long it will be before I am back clutching for those damn balloons though!!

Too much?

I just want to be loved.
By a man.
As a woman.
Adored.
Cherished.
Loved.

Is that too much to ask?

Emotional orgasm

I read something the other day that amazed me. It was a book about sex and intimacy and it said that is actually possible to have emotional orgasms as well as physical ones. This was a completely new concept to me.  I mean I understand about emotional closeness and intimacy but an actual emotional orgasm? That was a new one.

But of course I read that now for the first time because I have actually experienced what they are talking about. I’ve had this book for years but either never read that part or it made no impact at all because the idea was foreign to me.

It said that with an emotional orgasm you are so completely satisfied you can go for weeks afterwards without feeling the need for more sex. I don’t know about you, but in the past I have always found that my body quickly craves more sex once the initial satisfaction wears off. However, I was surprised to find this wasn’t the case in my recent experiences. I was quite sated and satisfied for two weeks, not feeling the urge or need for a repeat session. I couldn’t quite explain it to myself, although I wasn’t really worried to be honest

But the concept of an emotional orgasm rounds out the picture. I can’t say that it was as noticable or obvious as a physical orgasm, but somewhere along the line it occured. It is a very fulfilling experience.

Even more amazing for me, is that this experience comes outside of a committed relationship. I would have thought this sort of thing could only happen when two people were bound to each other through an understanding of sharing their lives together. That is what the received wisdom says.

So how can it be that this can happen when there is no commitment, no sharing of lives, no thought to build something deeper and stronger together? It is a bit of a mystery. But it is one I shan’t ponder over too much or try to analyse and rationalise. I will just hug it to me with a secret smile and let it be.

 

Calm

Calm again. What a relief

I really do make life difficult for myself sometimes.

When I write I can express myself quite clearly I believe. That is why I write so much. However, in person I am not quite so brave. I hate conflict. Really hate it. More than is normal. I will go a long way to avoid it. Which means I am not always honest and open or express my needs. Deep down I am terrified people will leave me if I tell the truth of how I am feeling.

This is a serious issue.

I have been told several times, by various people, that I need to express myself more openly. Not hold back. To push myself to speak when I feel uncomfortable about doing so. This terrifies me. But here’s the thing, people leave me anyway. So why don’t I just speak out (in a loving way)? This is a tough lesson but one I need to learn. I can be very outspoken about other’s needs and about injustice but only when I’m not involved personally.

Despite all this, I do consider myself a person of integrity. It is not that I am dishonest so much as I sometimes withhold the truth. For fear of upsetting someone else. But sometimes they need to hear what I have to say and perhaps be upset by it, and it is not up to me to make that decision on their behalf.

I’ve been thinking a lot since my last post earlier on. I have aligned with my soul (to the extent I can) and asked for guidance. The thing I’ve realised is that it doesn’t matter where P or S or anyone else is coming from or if they are playing games or not. What matters is my own integrity and the way I behave. I need to be honest and authentic in my interactions, coming from a place of love as far as I am able to. If that leaves me vulnerable to being hurt then so be it. I will learn through this and then start to attract others in my life who can act in the same way. This applies mostly to the men in my life.

What have I got to lose? If they can’t handle it then they will go. But then they would go anyway, maybe just a bit later on. I have reached a point in my life now where to play games or act without integrity hurts me deeply. I just cannot do it anymore. But that is not enough. That is just an absence of something. I need to replace it with something more positive and healthy. I need to be proactive with this and not passive. If that gives the other person one up on me (as one of my friends is concerned about) then that is how it will be. But then I will begin to see that person for who they are and can then choose more consciously to stick around or go. I still find that difficult to do.

I know there is a balance in all this. The key is to come from a place of love and integrity with the best interests of all in mind. I have to become this person I aspire to be. Act it not just think it. Not just say it. Be it. It will be extremely difficult for me to do this. All my conditioning and experience mitigates against it. But little by little, hopefully I will get there.

Contemplation

A momentary peace after the storm

Blood high, adrenaline pumping

Appetites rampant

Satiation – temporarily

The lull, the calm

The moment of relaxation

Before the buildup anew

How does this fit with my new found spirituality?

Perhaps very well

All life is a lesson

A lesson in love of one type or another

The aim, not to harm

The aim, always to love

The aim, to grow and reach for the highest light

Finding and giving joy and pleasure

In whatever form

Can’t be wrong if both agree

If neither attempts to hurt the other

I am no prude

But nor do I run rampant

With my desires and appetites

Exploration

Experimentation

Learning, developing, evolving

Letting go, surrendering, going with the flow

All is as it should be…

The games we play

It isn’t meant to be like this is it?

If you have to play games then there is something amiss, am I right?

I don’t know if I am just incredibly naïve about the ways of relationships but I don’t want to play games. I don’t know what is normal and what isn’t. I’ve never had a “normal” relationship so I can’t compare.

Instead of freely communicating with each other we are taking it in turns to see how long we can wait before responding to emails and text messages. He emails me (first contact in 2 ½ months). Four hours later I reply. A week goes by. Nothing. Finally, I get impulsive and send him a text message. Six hours later he replies to the text with another text and an email.

I then wait (much against the grain I might add) about 2 days to reply. I wanted to reply immediately but forced myself to wait. You know, the old,” two can play at that game” scene? The “I don’t want to seem too eager…” scenario. Last night no reply from him but not to be expected – that would be way too soon.

We are catching up on Easter Monday but we haven’t decided on the details yet. At this rate it will be Sunday before we determine anything.

Surely it is not meant to be like this? Please someone tell me that these games are not normal? Is this what grown men and women do when they like each other but don’t want to risk getting hurt? I don’t like playing this game and part of me hates myself for doing it. But I do know I can’t push anything if I want to avoid him cancelling. I want to see him face to face.

Even then – how do I handle things? The trouble is I don’t really know what it is I want. Until I am clear on that I guess the approach will stay a mystery. Some friends tell me to go for the deep and honest approach. Others say I’ll never see him again if I do that and to go for the bright and breezy approach. It all depends on what I want. Do I want to say my piece and then never see him again? Do I want to keep him in my life as a friend? Do I want to see if there is any chance of redeeming the romance?

It is four months since we last laid eyes on each other. I have no idea how I am going to feel and react. My heart says it is still interested but is it just the idea of love that it wants – not him specifically?

What I will try to do is align with my higher self before I meet him. I’d really like to be guided by my heart and soul and not by my emotions. I want whatever is the best outcome for both of us. No matter how much it hurts. It already has hurt immensely so what is a bit more pain? I know I don’t want to continue playing these games and I do want some level of honesty but I don’t know the best way to go about that. I don’t want to have pre-planned tactics and strategies aimed at manipulating him in some way.

Meanwhile, I continue with my meditation practice every day. I am maintaining my emotional equanimity to the best of my ability (and not doing too bad all in all). I am (mostly) stopping those habitual thought routines that are up to no good. This is a test of my new found commitment to steadfastness, balance and the noble middle path.

Questions

What do you want from me?
Why did you contact me?
I think it is a hopeless case – you and I
You don’t seem to know what you want
And I can’t keep hanging on waiting for you to decide
It hurts me to have you there on the periphery
Maybe you’ll come forward
Maybe you’ll pull away
I never know what you’ll do
If I know you are gone I can move on

I thought you were gone from my life
It hurt but I survived
Now you have opened a tiny wedge again
In my life, in my heart
But you don’t follow through
Ambivalent, you sit on the fence
I don’t want this half and half contact
Either you are here
Or you are gone forever
I’m working hard on my peace of mind
And you disturb it
I’m working hard on my emotional stability
And you upset it
I’m working hard on letting love go
But you make me want to cling

Why did you contact me?
Why don’t you follow through?
Why don’t you just tell me what you want?
Why can’t you let me be?
Why can’t I quite let you go?
We were good together once
Better than that – we were great
That is what I remember
That is what I want to recapture
But I think it is too late for that now
Yes I want you
But I want all of you
Not some little piece you can throw my way
Will you let me go?
Can I let you go?

Advice please…

Well. I. am. stunned. Not sure what to make of this.

I need some insight from my friends online. Please tell me what you think?

Just now I received an email from P. The man from last year. The man I fell in love with. The man who loves nature and is passionate about literature and poetry. The man I thought I could build something beautiful with. It didn’t go that way so we tried to stay friends. Then he went overseas in December and I never heard from him again.

It was a non-commital email just saying he was sorry not to have been in touch, giving me a brief overview of his trip overseas and sending me his latest poem.

I never thought I’d hear from him again. I am totally stunned.

The poem he wrote… its quite dark, almost an element of hopelessness in it. And he talks about mirrors – always my lesson is about mirrors. He talks about dying – a theme often in my mind.

He has been back around 6 weeks. This is the first contact. Why now all of a sudden? What should I do? Should I respond? (I know I will). He doesn’t say anything about meeting up. Just asked for my advice on the poem.

I am getting over him but I do miss him a lot. Am I going to slide back into all of that again? I don’t feel I am but I don’t know what is the best thing to do.

By the way did I mention I am stunned?

The nature of falling in love

I am pondering the nature of falling in love. Not from an emotional point of view but more from an objective standpoint.

I have looked at examples from my own life and find each case is different. I have been in love only three times in my life and have fallen in love only twice. How is that so you might ask?

My first real love wasn’t until my 20’s. I worked with him for three years and we developed a very close friendship. It wasn’t the best work environment and we bonded through adversity which is quite common. We were good friends and co-workers. Then he left. I felt depressed and sad all the time but had no idea why. Honestly! Six weeks after he left we caught up and then started a six year affair. But until he kissed me I didn’t even realise I was in love with him. It was a fait accompli. So I didn’t experience falling in love with him on any conscious level. I just found I was ‘in love’ with him.

The second man I loved was in my 30’s. He chased me for six months and I wasn’t interested in him other than as a friend. Then one day, I was at his place sitting next to him. Something literally went ‘click’ in my head and I looked at him differently. Suddenly, just like that, I decided I loved him. That led to 3 years of on/off misery.

Later, at age 40, I went to a conference interstate. At the first night conference dinner a man came over to me, smiled and introduced himself. I felt my heart explode in my chest. Completely unexpected and out of the blue I fell in love with him. 36 hours later he’d left the country to return home.

Then last year I met a man and we spent four months getting to know each other slowly – but I knew every step of the way that something special was happening. I knew and recognised that I was slowly falling for him. It was a very beautiful experience and entirely new for me.

There seems no real pattern here does there? The first two times I never really fell in love, I just realised I was in love. The third one entered directly into my heart but I never got to know him to find out if it would have been anything more because we lived in different countries. And the most recent experience was my first experience, really, of genuinely falling in love with full recognition of what was happening.

None of these ‘loves’ have worked out so it doesn’t seem that any one way of getting together is better than another. Love at first sight vs getting to know someone gradually – neither has worked for me so far. I say that not in self pity but in the spirit of investigation. So is there a perfect way or a preferred way to fall in love?

Ok, my good blog buddies – how do you fall in love? Do you have a pattern that repeats or do you have different experiences too?

Pensive

So what happens next?

I am learning more about myself again. I am understanding more about what makes me tick. This is a good thing. I like to understand.

Do you believe we have to make sacrifices in our lives? I certainly do. Yet we are never taught that growing up. We live in a society that is told we can have it all if we put in the effort.

We can’t. Nor should we expect to. Western culture is very much about achievement and striving for material success.  Well, that is how I see it.

But there is more to life than material success.

I really don’t know what I’m trying to say tonight. The thoughts that usually flow once I start writing are stuck.

Somehow I have a sense that I am not going to get what I want in life – because I want things that I see others have – such as a fulfilling relationship.

I sometimes feel that a romantic relationship is one thing I have to sacrifice this time round. They are so elusive and problematic for me. Always. It is something I’ve never learnt to do properly – but I feel I’ve never been given a chance to learn. The problems always start immediately – no good times for me. Always straight into the pain and heartbreak. Must be my karma. Bad relationship karma.

So I wonder if they don’t work because I’m not meant to have one? Is there some reason I’m being asked to forego that in my life?

I am confused. I have a need for answers to things. For order and meaning. Then I can adjust. Once I know why I can get on with my life.

Policy change

Ok I admit it. I’ve been way too focussed on finding a man and having a relationship. As though nothing else in the world can make me happy or give me fulfilment. It’s been an idée fixe for almost a year now. And having come close, last year, to what I thought was the ‘real thing this time’; I admit to a teeny little twist of obsession creeping in. I grabbed hold of the idea and hung on like the proverbial bulldog unwilling to slacken my jaws and ‘drop it’.

It seems we all want to love and be loved. Especially by that one significant other, if we are lucky enough to find him or her. But holding on to the idea that only that will make me happy is unhealthy. And it is untrue as well. I am sure there are many single, unattached people out there who are quite happy and content with their lives as they are. I have not been one of them recently.

I am turning my attention away from that yearning for a partner for a while. I want to focus on my self growth. I have a sense that if I get myself sorted out in terms of what it is I want to do ‘in the world’ as well as building the bridges with my own higher self, then I may be in a position to attract the right partner. But even if I never do then at least I’ll have satisfaction and fulfilment from knowing I am doing something worthwhile and meaningful with my life.

I don’t want to sound negative, but the truth is that some people never find that special someone to share the rest of their life with (or even part of it). Does that mean their lives were wasted? Futile? No I don’t believe that is true. I do think love is extremely important but it doesn’t have to be expressed as intimate, romantic, sexual love. As long as you can love in other ways you have lived. If you can love in the romantic sense too then you are lucky.

It is a cliché but one I believe to be accurate – when you are happy within yourself without external factors influencing you the entire time, then, and only then, can you really find a satisfying relationship. I will say that some people reach this stage of self love through a wonderful relationship so it can happen in many ways. We all have different paths to take – some grow through relationships, others don’t have satisfying relationships until they have grown ready for it.

I don’t think I will attract the right person into my life if I am in the depths of despair. Friends last night commented on the difference in me between then and last Wednesday evening when I last saw them. I was in a terrible state last Wednesday. They said I was white as a sheet and ‘shut down’, withdrawn. Last night I was much more vivacious and bright and they remarked how much more appealing I looked when I was animated. This was in no way any sort of put down to what I was like last week. But I realised that I am not usually interested in men I meet who are ‘closed off’. What I find really attractive is a man who has a passion for something in his life. The last man I loved was passionate about literature and he just lit up as he spoke about it. I found that very sexy! The first time he kissed me was the day I showed him around my new house and neighbourhood and was glowing with excitement and warmth.

I have things I am passionate about in my life but they tend to get overlooked or downplayed when I am focussed too much on other things. It is time to reconnect with those passions, spend some time doing those things I really love and enjoy. And perhaps sometime, if I’m lucky, the right man will come along and join me. But I cannot live my live as if that was the only thing that mattered to me. I will find other ways to express the love that I sometimes feel bursting out of me.

The age old war… dark vs light

I am feeling myself sliding down the slippery slope into that black hole again – depression. This is one area where I do not intend to let go and surrender to the inevitable. I feel I am waging an almighty war at the moment to keep myself in the light. And I believe, this time, the light will win out. So often in the past I’ve dived headlong into that pit of despair and crashed to the bottom. Unable to even see a glimpse of light I’ve not been able to find the way to climb out.

I am not a morning person. I have always been a night owl. I have always found that morning is my worst time – I awake with the churning stomach that bears no resemblance to what is going on in my world. I wake with the sense of futility. But step by step, throughout the day, I pull myself a bit further up that slippery slope until, by the time I retire for the night, I can be almost positive and optimistic. Only to slip down the slope again in my sleep. I really should tie myself to the nearest rock shouldn’t I?

It is as if there are two sides to me. I can actually stand aside and observe this depressive person and know that her reasoning is false. This other part of me knows the world is a wonderful place full of joy and beauty just waiting to be embraced. I try to identify more and more with this side of me. I couldn’t see this side of me in my earlier years. In fact she’s only really put in an appearance recently. She is my saviour when I walk this fine line between light and dark. She is pure light. I know the other side, the one that teeters on the brink of that abyss, is just full of hurt and pain and just longs and yearns with every ounce of her being to be loved and accepted. But she looks externally for that love instead of turning to the other part that is full of light and joy.

Slowly, I am learning to release others in my life from the responsibility and burden of being my sustenance and support. I have the most amazing friends who I love so much and who do so much for me. Some of you are here online – I can’t begin to express the difference to my life it has made being in contact with like minds on here. My friends support and help me as much as they can (which is a great deal) but I have tended to lean too heavily on them at times. Now I am learning to lean on myself and not expect someone else to rescue me.

Every time I now feel pulled to that abyss I consciously stop and look upward to the light. I ask for a lifeline to anchor me and ask that light be shone down to light my way. It works. Slowly, so slowly. It takes a lot of work – it is a constant process. But I am now trying. To succumb to the dark is habitual for me – an automatic response. It is the easy way out, the line of least resistance. But there is nothing easy about it, nothing productive about it, nothing fulfilling about it. It is a dark, scary place that I want to avoid if I can. I’ve spent many years in that place, I know it so well I could give guided tours

I slip up. I have days where I just wallow in self pity. My poor friend had to endure me like that yesterday when he’d taken me out to try to cheer me up. He is so sweet and he really wants to help me, but he has never experienced the depths of the dark and try as he might I don’t think he can grasp what I experience. I don’t feel ‘heard’ when I talk to him and I hold only myself responsible for that. But yesterday I was not a pleasant companion and he put up with that – how lucky am I to have people like this in my life?

And just for the record, I am getting some professional support through all of this.

He…

He doesn’t get me

He wants to help… but he can’t understand

He took me out today and we sat on a rug under a gum tree

For three hours we drank wine and talked

He’s not happy with his life either

But he doesn’t feel it as I do

The sense of futility, of waste

He still believes, still has hope

Still keeps his life full and busy to avoid being alone

He tries to ‘cheer me up’, jolly me along

It will be alright… but will it?

We were lovers for a short while a few months back

That was good, that helped me so much

But it didn’t last long enough

… it seemed to come between our friendship

But being held for a while, loved for a while

Was just something I craved… still crave

To make me feel whole and human again.

Subconscious expectations

Last year I fell in love. It didn’t work out. I thought I was moving on with my life, getting over him and letting him go. He’s been overseas for a while and was due to return two weeks ago. I didn’t expect to hear from him on any conscious, rational level. Not even for my birthday (which did make me sad).

I’ve even been involved with someone else since then, although that wasn’t about love at all. Today I feel an almost overwhelming sense of the grief and sadness that has plagued me for the past two weeks. Somehow, deep in my subconscious, I’d given this guy I loved a two week deadline to contact me after his return. I didn’t realise I’d done that until I opened my email this morning. Before it had loaded I had a huge knot in my stomach of anticipation and fear and I suddenly realised I expected to see an email from him.

Of course it wasn’t there. In my conscious awareness I’m glad – I don’t need the complication of dealing with him back in my life. We’d remained friends and saw each other infrequently but regularly. Then he went overseas two months ago and there has been no contact since. I didn’t expect it while he was away as he was backpacking in remote areas. I think I assumed that this was the opportunity for a complete break from each other.

So why the sudden anticipation and then disappointment when no email was forthcoming? Could it be that deep down I hoped that spending time alone overseas travelling would make him have a change of heart? Realise what was really important in his life? Obviously I did. And perhaps he did have such an epiphany, only obviously it didn’t include me in his life.

I’ve worked hard to let him go. I don’t want to get back together with him on any conscious level. But yet again I’m made aware of the subconscious layers in our minds that run their own scripts in our lives without our awareness. Those scripts that sabotage our conscious efforts and make a mockery of our resolutions.

I’m glad I now realise all of this consciously. It means I can deal with it. I will cope, I will survive and I will move forward to meet some other wonderful man. I just wonder how long it takes to finally let someone go?

The love vacuum in the brain

Has neuroscience yet identified the area of the brain devoted to ‘love’ and ‘relationships’? I am totally convinced that this area, unlike the rest of the brain, is in fact a vacuum.

I mean that in the sense that it can never just be empty – it has to suck something in to fill the void. Unfortunately, unless you are currently happily in love, this tends to be the last person you were interested in or involved with. No matter how much you want to forget them and move on, until there is somebody else to fill in that part of the brain it seems to continually think about the ex.

Or am I just an obsessive type?

45

Today.

What is it about birthdays that make you pensive?

Another year gone? Less years ahead? No, none of these things I think. Do I worry I’m getting older? No, I don’t. As my mother once said, ‘it beats the alternative’.

Like any milestone in our lives – New Year, birthday, anniversary – it is often a time when we stop and take stock of the fact that a whole year has passed since we were last here. Time to reflect on our journey and our progress. How much have we achieved?

This time last year I was packing my things ready to fly out ‘tomorrow’ for three months in India. That seems like another lifetime to me now. I am definitely not the same person I was 12 short months ago. I’ve come a very long way in this past year.

Today someone important to me flies back into the country after 5 weeks in Asia. Someone who was important to me I should say. He is part of that year that has just passed. He doesn’t have a place in the year that is to come. He was a part of my 2007, part of my ‘44′ year. A very good part and a very painful part. Yes both. Do I wish things had turned out differently. Yes, I do. But they didn’t. And they won’t. So time to let him go completely and move ahead into the next phase of my life.

I have a feeling 2008, and ‘45′, are going to be really good years for me. I hope they are for everyone else too.

Hollywood’s myths of real love

I’ve just finished watching ‘The Lake House’. 

Damn these Hollywood movies – they are so unrealistic – always happy ever after. Real life just isn’t like that. 

Why can’t real life be like the movies? Why can’t true love win out in the end? Where are the guys who are scared of commitment in the movies? They always get converted by the love of the right woman right?

Our image of love has been falsified by the whole movie industry I think. We’ve been brought up to believe in soul mates and in happy ever after. That true love wins out. But it doesn’t always work out like that in reality. We are brainwashed into unrealistic expectations and then we suffer when our lives don’t live up to the myth.

I do believe in love. Real love. I am not so sure it can overcome all obstacles though. I don’t believe love is all you need anymore. Not when it comes to romantic love anyway. Perhaps romantic love isn’t really love at all.

My first rant as opposed to a carefully considered post

2008 – new beginnings, fresh starts. So what do I find? I find myself already falling into the trap of letting some man mess me around. When will I learn I ask myself? Well the answer is – RIGHT NOW! No more. When I was in India last year I made myself a promise that I wasn’t going to be at any man’s beck and call anymore. No longer would I put up with ‘making do’ with the crumbs. I kept to that promise with the man I wrote about in an earlier post (love and other bruises). I decided not to put up with certain things no matter how much I loved him. Things I’d put up with in the past only to hang on and on with much pain.

It hurt like hell but I decided I had to be true to myself. Now without even realising it a similar situation has crept up on me with another man. This time there is no love involved but nonetheless certain issues seem to recurring. Don’t you just love the way the universe keeps throwing these things in your face to see if you really are going to deal with them? And they test you over and over again until you get it right every time. I am so glad school was never like this!

So I am making a stand on behalf of myself. I won’t put up with crumbs and I won’t slot conveniently into the gaps in someone’s schedule. Ok I might lose out in the short term but ultimately I think I can only benefit by doing this. I want real, committed love with a man who puts me first. And if I can’t have that then I will make do with nothing until he shows up. I might miss out on a bit of fun along the way but I am sticking to my guns this time. I know what I want now – for so many years I didn’t. I do believe in compromise in a relationship but there are some things that can’t be compromised on. There are certain non-negotiables.

So while this decision doesn’t make me feel particularly happy right now, it does make me feel strong. I am woman, hear me roar… (I hope that isn’t copyrighted and I end up being sued by Helen Reddy – think of it as a free plug, Helen). Why do we put up with so much sometimes?

 And hey guys, I’m not on an anti-man rave – I love you really – that is actually my problem – I love you too much sometimes!! I’m sure you also put up with crap from women in your lives. Lets all just try to live in harmony, hey?

Shadow

Today I find myself reminiscing about Shadow, my beautiful dog who died 15 months ago (I can’t believe its that long!). Shadow was a female cross between a German Shepherd and a Border Collie and a real character. She was my companion for 11 years after I rescued her from the pound as a two year old. She lived a long and happy life and I am very grateful that she lived out her alloted span of approximately 13 years. I never knew exactly how old she was but I gave her a birthday on the 4th October as that was the day I got her. She died on September 30th just short of her 13th birthday. I was so glad to be with her at the end – it was something I’d always wanted and worried about her dying alone.

I miss her still, but I am at peace with the idea of her passing because, as I said, it was the end of her natural life span. But I still get many chuckles from remembering her antics I remember:

• Every time I tried to water the garden, Shadow would be out there ‘helping’ by playing with the sprinkler head until it came off the hose. She would get so excited as she hunkered on her haunches, chin resting on the water outlet giving little growls and yips of pure pleasure.
• She liked to rearrange my ornaments while I was out – I’d come home to find a photo of my grandparents placed ever so carefully on my pillow (not a tooth mark to be seen) or an elephant statue placed by her dog door.
• A not so amusing habit of Shadow’s was that of burying meaty bones down the back of the lounge suite – something I’d only discover when the smell started to ripen.
• Her dancing backwards in front of me when we went for walks – herding me like a sheep – and if there was a stone in sight I had to kick it for her to chase.
• Waking once to find her lying on the bed with her head on the other pillow looking directly at me. As soon as she saw I was awake the tail started thumping against the bedcovers.
• The squeals of excitement and the enthusiastic welcome every single time I came home.

I have 11 years worth of Shadow moments to remember and get pleasure from. She was a real personality – everyone loved her. For many years she was my only companion and I think I relied on her too much for affection and love – things I should really have looked for in other humans. She carried the burden of my loneliness a lot of the time but she did it unflinchingly, willingly and with great love. I adore dogs and their ability to love unconditionally and forgive us every time we do the wrong thing by them. Dogs know how to be in the moment and squeeze every ounce of enjoyment from everything they do. It might sound trite but I think we can learn a lot from a dog’s attitude to life.

I believe in reincarnation so I am hoping she’ll come back to me at some stage – when I’m ready to have another canine companion. I feel very blessed to have had such a wonderful playmate to keep me company along part of my journey. All you dog lovers out there will understand what I mean.

New Years Eve

Mid afternoon, New Years Eve. Of course I’m going out tonight – one doesn’t sit home alone at this time of year does one? Well I did for quite a few years, using the excuse (perfectly valid I might add) that I had to stay with my dog who was terrified of the fireworks. But alas, Shadow passed away over a year ago now so I have no such excuse. I am going to a party by the beach, there will be fireworks and bands playing so it might be halfway decent. Yet there is no excitement at the thought. I always find the so called festive season rather depressing with all the emphasis on family and loved ones – it brings home your aloneness. Most of my family lives overseas. I have friends but they are mostly off with their own families. Now I don’t mean to be all depressive. 2007 has been a traumatic year and I’m quite glad to see the end of it! Just with a fairly recent heartbreak this time of year brings little joy with all the ‘might have been’ thoughts that I try to suppress.

Love and other bruises

I have been closed down to love for a long time because of hurts in the past. Things began to change when I spent four months at the start of 2007 in the Himalayas. Initially I lived for ten weeks on a tea estate near Darjeeling doing voluntary work. It turned into a profoundly introspective time. I felt alone and lonely despite being surrounded by the most wonderful people (mostly Nepalese in that part of India). I watched tourists arriving to tour the tea factory. They travelled always in couples or in groups. I was on my own and, in typical Indian fashion, had faced quite a few travel disruptions and changes to plans. I’d faced these and dealt with them alone in a strange country. I deeply felt I did not want to face these things alone anymore.

I did much thinking, writing and crying during my time in Darjeeling. I uncovered long buried wounds and issues dating back to my early teens. And I finally opened up to the idea of not going it alone anymore. I’ve always been so proud of my independence. But now I could see the value in living an interdependent life – with someone special to share the joys and sorrows. I came home with the urge to open my heart to love. I made a decision not to be alone any longer but to find a wonderful man to share my life with. 

Within three weeks of returning home I met a beautiful man. After years of meeting nobody, by changing my attitude and opening up to opportunity I met someone meaningful. I couldn’t quite believe it to be honest. I know we can manifest if we are clear and give out the right messages, but even so this amazed me. We spent time slowly getting to know each other, finding so many connections between us, so many similarities and common ideals. Being with him I felt alive.  

It took time, but we did eventually reach a place where we saw ourselves together as a couple. He brought me the first rosebud from his garden that day. I will never forget that day as long as I live – it was the day I thought all my dreams had finally come true. I will never forget the euphoria, the joy, the gratitude I felt knowing this wonderful man felt the same way I did. 

It lasted ten days. Ten days of bliss and happiness. Then we pulled away from each other. To this day I don’t truly understand what went wrong. Our romance lasted just as long as the rosebud – it bloomed and died over that same span of time.

Read full story…

End of the year of false starts

It is the end of 2007. It has been a really full-on year. My friend and I call it the year of false starts. We are hoping that 2008 will be the year of true starts! I’ve had one of the most eventful years of my life, with many good things happening, but there is no denying it has been tough. I’ve been through the wringer emotionally but I also know I’ve grown up a lot and am much clearer on what I want out of life. I spent the first four months of the year travelling and doing voluntary work alone in India, Nepal and Tibet. I came home and decided to stop being so restless so I got a job, bought a house and fell in love. I guess I plan to tell these stories as I go along with this blog. I have a great need to write about my experiences – usually I journal in notebooks – but now I’ve decided I might as well journal online.