Greyday blankness

At lunchtime I again walked along the beach. Tide was way out, seaweed washed up high and there I am, in my work clothes, climbing through piles of seaweed and stepping tentatively through pools of stranded seawater.

The sea is very calm today, the sky grey. I would have liked to stay all afternoon staring out toward that blue-grey horizon. Apart from the chilliness and a biting wind.

One of those days where you don’t want to think or act, just stare at the view and detach from the world. Descend into blankness.

I am readjusting to life without Rajah. Sadness still engulfs me sometimes. I feel envious when I see people walking their dogs along the beach and I avoid the pet aisle in the supermarket. I’m not brooding over it – just accepting of the feelings as they arise. This morning I awoke with a strong conviction that I’d done the right thing by Rajah – I think I’d had a dream or an insight in my sleep. I don’t ever rationally doubt my choice, but a part of me feels I abandoned him. I’ve always been strongly committed to my dogs and to give my puppy away doesn’t sit easily despite the extenuating circumstances.

However, life goes on.

Kiran Bedi

This week I have seen a documentary about Kiran Bedi, and heard her speak at an event related to a documentary film festival being held here.

The film is called Yes, Madam, Sir. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has the opportunity to see it.  It is a cleverly made documentary and deserves to do well for the film maker – an Australian woman, Megan Doneman. I understand Megan, and her mother/producer Laraine, have been through immense struggle and hardship themselves in order to make this labour of love.

Kiran Bedi is a truly remarkable woman. She was the first woman to joing the Indian police force in the early 70s and has achieved many wonderful things ever since – often facing great challenges and opposition. She turned around a notorious prison, Tihar, by introducing Vipassana meditation for the inmates. She believes strongly in stopping crime before it starts rather than punishing people afterwards. She has also set up numerous foundations that are bringing education to children in slums and vocational training to their parents to enable them to move away from crime and into paid work. She also worked as Police Adviser to the UN for two years.

You can read more about her at either of the above websites. But she strikes me as a focussed, strong, independent individual who has a passion for human rights and who has struggled immensely against oppression (both to herself and others). She’s had a very tough time with most of the male Indian heirarchy against her. She upset the status quo and this was not appreciated. Kiran strives to make the world better for those who are powerless and disenfranchised.

I am full of admiration for this woman. Check her out if you want to be inspired by the difference one woman can make.

Vipassana

If ever you are considering whether or not to attend a Vipassana silent meditation retreat I have two words for you:

DO IT!!

It is hard, very hard. It is painful, very painful. It is very challenging. But worth it. Anything worthwhile takes effort, determination, persistence, commitment and surrender. All of these things are required to become a Vipassana meditator.

Things I thought would be difficult weren’t. I was worried by only two meals a day at 6.30am and 11am with a little fruit at 5pm. I was worried by the lack of sleep (up at 4am – to bed at 9.30pm). These things were easy. When you are meditating 11 hours a day you don’t require as much food and sleep as in normal life. Cohabiting in a dormitory and sharing an ablutions block was easy – even enjoyable. Wrapped in silence and keeping to yourself it is easy to live this way and even comforting to know others are around you going through the same things. Somehow with no communication at all we managed to get ourselves organised naturally and easily. 25 women and 5 showers – not an issue. Not once did I go for a shower and have to wait. We all found the time that suited us best. Not speaking for 10 days was a joy and a bliss and so easy. A friend came with me and we neither of us had any desire to speak to, or acknowledge the other. Until the last day when we could speak again and we collared each other nonstop for an hour to share our experiences.

Others had wanted to leave. In fact one woman did and another had her bags backed ready to go but was talked out of it. I didn’t once want to leave and in fact was happy in the flow of the routine and structure. No decisions needed to be made other than what to wear each day. Meals were provided. You got into the rhythm of the lifestyle. Two things I did find hard in the daily life were the snorer in our dormitory and the lack of room to exercise. I missed my daily walks and would pace up and down the enclosed area like a caged animal. It was a very restricted boundary and we were not allowed to cross it. Men and women were totally segregated although we could see each other. I didn’t even mind the snorer during the night hours – it was when she snored through meditation sessions that I struggled with equanimity and compassion

Three days were spent learning to focus on the breath and on sensations on the upper lip (ana pana meditation). Then we launched into Vipassana itself where you learn to examine the body centimetre at a time to feel the sensations in the body. It takes a while to learn and only with ongoing practise do you get into some of the further reaches of it. The hardest thing for me was the one hour group meditation when you were not meant to adjust your posture. Sitting crosslegged on the floor with no back support for one hour without moving at all was a challenge. We did this three times a day. They called them sittings of strong determination! And I could do it. You observed the pain and remained equanimous and did not react. The same with pleasant sensations (and there were some of these too believe it or not). No craving, no aversion. No reacting no matter what the circumstances. I had a few moments where I could observe that there was no difference between pleasant and unpleasant sensations at the vibrational level – both were the same vibration. You learn that nothing is permanent – good and bad both shall pass so why bother reacting to them? Why crave one and avoid the other? They’ll go eventually anyway so just accept them.

Every evening was a discourse in the theory of the technique. The teacher, Goenkaji, was humourous and amusing and told interesting stories as examples. I found it a bit repetitive after a while but this may have helped others. These talks were on dvd.

The food was vegetarian and I enjoyed it. Once I got over my fear of falling into a heap of low blood sugar shakes I started to eat less and less each day. The first day I stuffed myself with food to try to last out the night. I ended up so full and not able to meditate well. I had no problems with lack of food, low blood sugar (which I do have problems with normally) or sleep deprivation (I probably averaged 3-4 hours a night only).

This was only the beginning though. Learning the technique. Real results only come from applying this everyday – two hours a day is recommended for meditation. Serving others is also a key component of Vipassana. These things help you move away from misery and egotism and into peace and harmony and compassion for all. A mighty and worthy goal.

There were no mystical experiences, no blissing out. It was hard, painful work. The technique bans visualisation which is my ‘thing’ so it took me a while to adjust to ‘feeling’ rather than ’seeing’. I definitely made progress over the ten days though. The only way to sit still for one hour (for me anyway) is to go into the meditation as deeply as possible. It is active – the mind is doing something all the time and this is my kind of meditation. The concentration is sharpened and focussed and in continual movement. No stillness required mentally (although it is physically). Sweeping through the body or sensing tiny areas at a time – always in motion, examining, observing but no reacting.

This is a techniqe to eradicate suffering. It is simple but not easy. It teaches to live in the moment and not in the past or future constantly. It is experiental rather than intellectual. This is what I need – intellectually I’ve heard it all and it all says the same thing. But I don’t, can’t live it. I need to ‘feel’ it rather than ‘know’ it. I need wisdom not more knowledge.

I plan to practise this meditation every day although probably not for two hours every day. I dare say I’ll write more about it over the coming days. And yes there was a bootcamp element to it - staff would do spot checks on the rooms to make sure people were meditating and not sleeping The rules were observed strictly and noble silence was the number one rule. And a very necessary one too. As soon as we started talking on the tenth day all serious meditation went out the window. Interacting with others brought all the judgements and discrimination to the surface too. One can live happily with people with no interaction occuring and not judge them. No likes or dislikes. As soon as we talk and interact these things emerge. I wonder very much if verbal communication is greatly over rated in our society. It isn’t crucial in all circumstances.

I learnt how strong my determination is. I learnt how strong and accurate my intuition was (vibes I’d picked up about others turned out to be accurate – that one shy, that one bossy etc). I even picked up on one person’s profession!

Zen state

Last night was my weekly meditation/study group. How I enjoy those sessions. I get a lot out of them and find myself mentally challenged and stimulated by the Ageless Wisdom materials.

I got a wider sense of where I may fit into the scheme of things last night. I can glimpse the part I may be able to play. The more I study and read, the more I realise my intuitive insights match what I’m reading. Ideas that I have in my mind are there in black and white on the page. I didn’t read them first – I intuited them. At the conference in Arizona I was amazed to hear someone make a comment on something that wasn’t recorded in the books that exactly fitted with my own views. (It was about the internet being the externalisation of the planetary brain – the internet being unknown at the time the books were written. But I had come to that conclusion myself some years ago, and to hear it stated as a fact thrilled me).

Then this morning at work I participated in one of those ‘personality profiling’ sessions. You know, the ones that lump everybody into one of four boxes? The thing I found most interesting about the session was watching the interactions and reactions of the presenter to the participants. She did not practise what she preached at all I found that very entertaining and amusing. I have to admit to challenging her a bit on one or two points (well I did come out as the dominating personality type!) The test suggested I was a double extrovert whereas I know I have a very strong introverted side. It all seemed a bit trivial and banal to me. And not entirely accurate or useful.

This evening I went to the opening of an art exhibition. The paintings had a strong Celtic theme which I loved, and the artist was interesting to talk to – she has travelled a lot in Ireland/Scotland. I met a friend and she introduced me to some others and I had some interesting conversations which was nice.

Weekend ahead – a few plans so not a lonely one. It is P’s birthday and he is going out to dinner with his family and a few friends but I am not invited. Normally I have no wish to participate in his social life but I must admit missing his birthday gives me a pang. Never mind, all part of the letting go process I’m sure.

So what do you all have planned for the weekend? I hope it is a good one for you all. I bought some 3d paints (!!) in the shop below the art gallery tonight and am hoping to do some painting over the weekend. I have a huge back room here that is my ’studio’ – no furniture, just easel, a few tables and benches and my art materials. I haven’t painted much in the year I’ve been in this house. But the urge has come upon me again – I am in a creative streak at the moment and want to capitalise on it. I am thinking of turning my diamond ring poem into a painting.

I remember one Easter quite a few years ago I painted several Celtic mandala paintings. I remember it totally engrossed me for the entire four day weekend and I didn’t go out or see anyone the whole time. I felt I’d been in a deep meditation for the entire time so engrossed was I in the task. I love that feeling and don’t experience it often enough. Writing, creating multimedia, painting – these are some of the activities that can affect me this way. Creative, problem solving activities. I need to do more of this. I write when I am unhappy or moving through things – it helps me process. But I only paint when I am in a reasonably good place. I’ve not been in a good place much this past year but I am doing ok right now. Bring on those paints!

Friday evening

Friday evening at home. A good day today. Everyone at work was in a frisky mood and we spent time being very mature and professional this morning, throwing squeeze balls at each other and attempting to knock a football off the partition. I can be quite silly at times and I was even called a ratbag by a colleague Who moi?

Twice I found myself in the tea room with B and we seemed to fall back into our chatty, flirty style with each other. We keep edging around the topic of relationships with each other which is quite interesting. Today it was comments on rich, aging men who take up with much younger women – B assured me he wasn’t interested in young bimbos (not that he is exactly aging I have to say – he’s only in his late 30s). I assured him I wasn’t interested in rich men particularly (although I have no real aversion to a man having money I must say )

Not much planned for the weekend. Another massage tomorrow and then perhaps another movie. Nothing for Sunday except perhaps I might take myself on a bushwalk. Another quiet, potentially slow weekend. Where have all my friends gone lately I wonder? Next weekend I’m seeing P and another friend wants to catch up (same day I think).

Acceptance. That is where I am at. Next week Saturn crosses my Ascendant (that is pretty significant – only happens every 29 years). I am having a guided meditation to try to make the most of the opportunities.

Thursday nights I still go to my study/meditation class and I’m quite amazed now at the sorts of things that come through sometimes. I had a voice saying to me the other night, they are not all connected yet. So last night I asked who was not connected. Turns out it is the team of people I am to work with on the physical plane – and there are 17 of them. Then I was told how to attempt to connect them up! Cool stuff. I love it. I have been yearning for my ‘team’, my ‘group’, my ‘ashramic colleagues’ for quite a while now. The ones with whom I am going to find and manifest my purpose. When I think of this aloneness I often feel I realise it isn’t just, deep down, the desire for a partner, it is also the desire for my group.

So now I’m going to post this and then go and read Esoteric Psychology Volume II by Alice Bailey. I love the way it explains the stages as we grow and evolve, and I like to try to pinpoint the stage I am at – then everything makes sense. I think I am making inner progress but often it isn’t reflected in the outer world. Then I read up on it and find that what I experience is often a sign that things ARE moving and shaking.

Moving on

It is another glorious winter day today – not a cloud in the sky. Delicious.

I am tired today but still upbeat. Last night I went to my meditation/study group (the one where I am a junior not the leader). I again got some interesting images in my meditation and was taken on quite a journey. The most interesting thing I encountered was entering a forge where workmen pounded heavily away on their anvils with their hammers. But when I was shown what they were making I was amazed. Their creations were gossamer thin glistening threads – like a spider’s web. Tiny glistening orbs appeared where the strands joined together. It fascinated me that so much brute strength and power should go into creating something so fine and delicate.

B is still appearing in tea rooms magically soon after I arrive. My friend here even said he came out after me one time but I had disappeared into the ladies so he turned around and went back in to his desk. She was standing in the foyer waiting for her partner and saw the whole thing. B and I had a chat early this morning over our freshly brewing coffee plungers. But we are both a bit tired and jaded today so it wasn’t a scintillating conversation by any means. I am enjoying this game but I do wonder if it is ever going to lead to anything. Will he ever ask me out? Or is it all just a big coincidence that he turns up in the same place as me regularly? I think I just have to take it at face value and not expect or imagine anything.

He has been instrumental in my progress though. Yesterday I finally replied to P’s email. This morning I checked my gmail account as usual and it wasn’t until 40mins later that I realised that not only hadn’t there been an email from P (and one wasn’t expected) but I hadn’t even been looking for one. Normally, I’d be looking to see if he’d replied but it never even crossed my mind this time. I didn’t even think of him at all. So B is helping me to let go of P – move out from under the spell he seemed to have cast over me. Maybe that is all B’s role will ever be in my life.

In two weeks time I will be in the air en route for the start of the cruise. Tonight is my last bootcamp session. I feel a bit as though I am at a turning point – letting go of things of the past and waiting for the new to enter. It is a strange feeling sometimes. There is a tree out the back of our building that I often go and stand under. In some bizarre way I feel as though I can communicate telepathically with it (well I talk to it – I don’t get any answers). It was the tree that I confided in all the time I was falling in love with P, and so of course it reminds me of him. I was out there in the sunshine a while ago thinking how this time last year I was falling in love with him and I did feel a tinge of sadness at the outcome. Now here I am, a year later, and my interest lies in another direction. I won’t go so far as to say I’m falling in love with B because I don’t really even know him yet. Let’s just say I am very attracted to him and would like to explore things further with him if given an opportunity. So there is some promise for the future whilst also still experiencing the sadness of a failed love affair. I really don’t want to go through more of these failed romances – I really want to find someone to build a life with, to share my life with.

Yesterday I was in a flirty, chatty, zany mood. I wanted to dance and talk and party. I hope that mood comes with me on the cruise. It is a compartmentalised time where really I could be anyone I wanted to. I feel like putting on a metaphoric mask and being someone quite different from my usual self. Not sure if a serious Capricorn can manage to do that but she sure wants to try. I’d like to let my carefree zany side take over for 9 days

Oh and did I mention that I’ve been looking at the shore tours in Noumea? They have Super Karts!! Speed, adrenaline – I think I am definitely going to have to indulge. I am a speed junkie (as in velocity not as in drugs). They also have 4wding off the beaten track, a tree to tree adventure (me Tarzan, you Jane) and a zippy zodiac ride to an island. I don’t have time to do them all – only two. There are other tame tours but they don’t interest me as I want a bit of adventure. After two or three days chilling shipboard, I think some thrills are in order don’t you?

I am a champion!

I feel good. Really good. Upbeat, happy, even slightly manic.

Last night we had our fitness assessment at boot camp. I took 1 minute and 40 seconds off a 2km run, I did 42 pushups in a minute (up from 37) and 32 situps (but the instructor told me I was coming up too high and so it should have been more) and I held the v-sit hold for 56 seconds (up from 36 seconds a month ago). But I’m most proud of the increased speed on the run. Endurance is not my strong suit. I feel like a champion!

Today is a gloriously beautiful winter’s day. It was 3C degrees overnight and forecast 14C today. And the sky is clear, the sun is shining and everything is crisp and clear. My morning walk was sublime – frosty and clean through the bush. I wore gloves, scarf and beret along with my coat for the first time. The sun is still shining and my mood is glowing. Driving to work the whole world just seemed so beautiful. I really love Australia and I love winter and autumn – we have the most glorious weather regularly.

B followed me out to the tea room this morning and we had our daily chat. It seems he is a fan of cold crisp clear weather too   So many people go for heat but not me. P is the same – he likes cold too. I like men who like cold weather   B and I were talking about how wonderful it is to warm up by a wood fire in this weather. (Seems we both have wood burning fires which isn’t the most common method of heating here). I really like this guy I have to say. I haven’t even bothered replying to P’s Sunday email as yet.

Also went back to my Tuesday night group after we had a two week break. I enjoyed it much more this time than previously and even started to take a bit of a lead in it (finally…). My Thursday night meditation/study group is also starting up again after a break and I find the study totally fascinating. I am very much the junior in this group. The leader of the group is a woman I greatly admire and she is helping me to trace where I actually ‘go’ during meditation. It is all quite technical and it fascinates me.

I wonder if this is the sense of well being one gets from regular, hard exercise? I’ve never done anything like this in my life before. Its taken nearly four weeks to kick in if that is what I am experiencing. The others are continuing on to do the next boot camp but I won’t be joining them – I have the cruise coming up and also it is a bit too expensive to do on an ongoing basis. But I think will be doing it again in the future. Perhaps once or twice a year – just to ramp things up.

I feel good…

Open to impression

My daily half hour meditations seem to be stretching to an hour these days. I just go off somewhere for parts of it, with no real conscious recollection of where. This is not ideal because the idea is to train the lower mind and brain consciousness to respond to impression from the higher realms.

However, I am finding that I have thoughts and insights on a much more regular basis. Reading something, chatting to someone, overhearing a comment – all of these can suddenly encourage things to click together in my mind giving me one of those wonderful ‘aha’ moments.

I have a sense of the distant future sometimes (I’m talking perhaps a few hundred years from now). And I am slowly starting to build a picture of how all my interests, passions and skills may come together into my ‘work’ or project. And the sense of urgency – that I’m running out of time – has eased greatly. Seen from the perspective of the soul and many incarnations there is no hurry. I feel I have to do things and do them right now. But no, I am just in training for future incarnations when the real work will begin. I can plant the seeds now and reap them later. This is a very reassuring thought.

I’ve often wondered if the reason I can’t find my ideal job is because it hasn’t been invented yet! That would explain a lot.

Groups, groups and more groups

Last night I attended the farewell dinner for the facilitators of our meditation/study course. There were eight of us at dinner – some from the group I attend and some from the other group they run. I met some new people who were very interesting. This is run through the auspices of the Theosophical Society and it occured to me that I should make more of an effort to attend the activities run by this society. Currently I only go to the Wed night group and sometimes visit the bookstore.

But I had such a good time last night discussing all sorts of interesting topics with these people I didn’t know, yet they are fellow members of the TS. I have again been longing to increase my social contacts with like minded people and really it is here under my nose.

We have decided to continue our meditation/study group even though we’ve lost the facilitators. We’ll change the format and approach but try to keep it going as we all enjoy it so much. The group members are also considering getting involved in psychodrama too.

I have also just started attending another meditation group on Thursday evenings. This group is very advanced and into high level meditation, but I was invited to attend and found I could cope with the energies invoked and contacted. I want to attend this on a regular basis - it is just such a long way from my home – 45 minutes each way on a week night. But that shouldn’t really be a huge consideration if I am truly committed to it.

The woman that I had discussions with in Phoenix is involved in this Thursday night group. She is the one that has a multimedia studio and we’ve discussed projects. What amazed me on Thursday evening was that we had very similar visions and insights within the meditation. We even seemed to ‘go’ to the same place. I’ve never had an experience like that before meditatively. She was telling us what she visualised and how she could see it produced in film or 3D and I sat there with my mouth open as I’d had the exact same sights and thoughts. I think she and I are from the same ashramic group with a similar goal. In the meditation she did guide us into our own personal ashrams and so I think that we probably went to the same place. I have been invoking my ashramic group for a while now – those that I am to work with, who have a similar purpose. Hopefully more will appear.

Slowly things are expanding in my life – my social circle, my consciousness, my sphere of influence, my group affiliations. I feel I’ll be travelling a bit more than I have for years. Already there is the possibility of a trip to Darjeeling in November and we are already talking of visiting New Zealand when our facilitators are settled over there. But even without physical travel, there is philosophical travel – and plenty of that going on these days. And always more groups… I really enjoy group dynamics.

Floating in the ethers

We are coming up to the full moon. I am feeling seriously spaced out, floating around in some abstract world far removed from the workplace. Over ten years ago I had a major astrological transit (transiting Neptune conjunct my natal Sun/Mercury for anyone who is interested) that left me feeling spaced out for months. My brain ceased to function in a logical, analytical fashion at that time. That is Neptune for you.

As I was working as a database administrator at the time this was a bit of a problem. I needed to delve deeply into detail and do a lot of problem solving. Still I must say the spaced out feeling is one I find enjoyable. I am a Capricorn with Virgo rising so very earth bound and practical by nature. Feeling spacey is a bit of a novelty and one I enjoy.

So here I am today, floating in the ethers somewhat. I’m much more in tune with the rhythms of the moon now I meditate daily. I seem to tap into the energies around me.

Detailed, analytical work is a bit of a challenge right now. Unfortunately, my job involves a lot of that. But after that experience 10 years ago I have learnt to operate in ‘work’ mode whilst some part of my mind wanders the higher realms.

I wonder if I’m downloading some interesting information at the moment.

Scientific spirituality

Last night I attended the meditation/study class that I’ve been going to for a while. I had missed two sessions due to my trip overseas. I was dismayed to learn last night, that next week will be the last class as the facilitators are moving to New Zealand. I knew this was coming but didn’t expect it to be so soon. It leaves me feeling a bit desolate as I love the group process and meditation in a group is so much more powerful for me.

We did a new meditation last night and it took us up extremely high. I don’t recall ever going that high in meditation before. Perhaps that in part, accounts for my feelings of strangeness today. No doubt some potent energies are flowing through my system as a result. This meditation is aimed at building the antahkarana – the rainbow bridge – between the brain/lower mind (mental unit), the soul and ultimately the higher mind (manasic permanent atom). This is linking the personality, the soul and the Spiritual Triad (which is itself the reflection of the Monad).

The Phoenix conference focussed a lot on the Monad – that highest spiritual aspect of ourselves. I can’t quite conceive of that level of abstraction still being in the process of establishing contact with my soul. Still it seems to be coming to me – I am finding myself in circumstances where it is discussed and invoked so it must have some bearing on my current level of spiritual development.

It is all very scientific (which is what draws me to this particular approach and tradition). There is the Science of Meditation, the Science of Service and the Science of Right Human Relations etc. There are Laws, Rules and Principles that guide the way. It is technical and detailed and I grasp only about 1% of the whole, nonetheless, it fascinates me.

I love the group endeavour and have been so glad to get back into a group again. It has been years since there were any such groups in my area. Now, it seems it will be short-lived. Perhaps we can continue to meet as a group without our facilitators but it will not be the same. Still, everything happens for a reason.

Much is going on around me – on subjective levels if not in actual physical plane fact. No wonder I feel unsettled. Invitations to Darjeeling, high level meditations, impending loss of group dynamics etc. I continue to practise my esoteric meditations every day.  And the group energy in Phoenix was very intense and high level too. We are also coming up to the second Wesak full moon festival (next Tuesday). Wesak is the spiritual high point for my tradition and this year there are two of them (in Taurus). I can’t expect to not be affected by all this.

Epiphany

I have had a realisation. I am currently experiencing emotional tranquillity. This is a total revelation to me because, as I said in yesterday’s post, I am used to either feeling up or down. In the past, if I’ve not felt ‘up’ I’ve automatically assumed I was ‘down’, and then proceeded to back that up with all sorts of appropriately non-positive thoughts.

Right now, emotionally, I am not up or down. I just am. I’m so glad I’ve finally experienced this state. I’m so glad I’ve finally recognised this state. I could get very used to this calm. It is actually what I strive for – a calm, tranquil emotional body.

I have been doing more intensive meditation for the past two weeks and I think it is paying off.

Now I just have to work more on stilling the mind! It needs to be tranquil, calm and at peace too. Instead it is usually extremely busy darting all over the place and replaying the same old ‘movies’ over and over. I am getting better at catching all of those random and habitual thoughts and letting them go but they do sneak in unawares still. Especially when it comes to the whole subject of love and relationships. Boy, can I rehash that stuff over and over ad nauseum! I’m trying to move it way down the list of results when my brain googles my mind to find something to think about.

Meditation

 

I have reached a place of peace for the last few days. What a relief! I have been meditating more every day than usual. I have incorporated a group meditation into my routine as I am now part of a spiritual study group. We link to each other in meditation and this makes it stronger.

I had never felt I was very ‘successful’ at meditation – too much chatter in my mind and I didn’t have much sense of ‘going’ anywhere – I seemed to stay firmly in my body, on my seat. I often used to finish meditation thinking, ‘well that was a waste of time and effort’. I certainly didn’t feel blissed out or calm and peaceful

Quite a few years ago I was taken through a guided meditation by an experienced meditator, astrologer and counsellor. As always I didn’t feel I really achieved anything, I just related the series of images and ideas that floated through my mind. Chatter. Or so I thought. Afterwards, she explained to me the significance of the imagery I had seen. I had been on a journey through my astrological chart – from my Moon sign (which represents the past), through my Sun sign (the present) on to my Ascendant (the future). I was amazed as I’d just thought a whole load of random images were being generated by my lower mind – as I said – random chatter.

So now I tend to trust the process more even if I still don’t feel anything much is happening. That is why I now persevere. I have been doing this on and off for ten years now – mostly off I must admit. For the past year I’ve been more dedicated and have done a little bit every day. In the past week or so I have found that, finally, I am sensing that I am actually connecting to something higher when I meditate. It’s only taken 10 years

Different people experience different things in meditation. For me it has always been very visual – I see images. I usually have no idea what they represent but try to record them in my journal. Other people feel the energy flowing through them, some hear music or sounds, others hear words or have ideas pop into their minds. Occasionally I will feel extremely overheated and will sometimes need to lie down. I figure this is energy pouring into my system.

I am a visual person through and through. I can see things in my minds eye very clearly. I can take an object and mentally rotate it through space and see how it looks from every angle. When I read a book, the characters and situations are like movies in my mind – one reason I usually hate to watch a film version after I’ve read the book – I prefer to watch the film first and then read the book.

I’d like to encourage anybody out there who meditates but feels they get nowhere to persevere. I didn’t and so it has taken ten years to feel I’m getting anywhere. However an intensive effort even over the past three weeks (combined with a year of mantra chanting and reciting) has borne fruit so it shows that perseverance and commitment can pay off in a relatively short space of time.

Trust the process and act as if you are successful. Eventually you will be.