Cycles

Life goes through cycles. It ebbs and flows. Right now, here in Australia, spring is about to burst forth. Many plants are now getting signs of new growth after lying dormant for months. Yesterday my friend’s dog died, no doubt some puppy was born somewhere to compensate.

My life has swung from the flow of a month ago into an ebb tide right now. Amazing how quickly it can change. If I charted my moods and experiences over this year alone, since I started blogging, the cycles would be clear.

I awoke this morning, Saturday, knowing I had absolutely nothing planned for the entire weekend. It has been a long time since this has happened and it filled me with a sense of sadness, bereftness and dread. Alone again. For two whole days. I guess it is because I need to focus on something without being distracted by company. But I am just so tired of aloneness – I have always spent so much time alone and it feels unnatural to me now. I still need time to myself being a bit of a loner by nature, but so much of it is wearing me down.

Outside winter is not relinquishing without a fight. Grey, overcast skies with rain to come. I lay meditating in bed for ages this morning. Reaffirming my commitment to soul work and trying to get in touch with what I need to do – what job is waiting for me. For now I think it is my paid job – things are moving there in a direction that feels right for me.

The last two mornings (workdays) when I’ve been in a hurry I’ve logged on to find loads of comments posted – 19 one morning. I love that. I didn’t have much time to read or respond to them. This morning, with all the time in the world (two whole days in fact) there is not a single comment posted. Bizarre isn’t it?

I’ve brought some work home with me to do – I am out of the office two days next week on a training course so wanted to get some things covered before I go. My mum rang a while ago (she knows my friend and her dog and wanted to see how things were). She invited me to go there for dinner tonight so I will do that even though I was there for dinner last weekend. I have booked a massage for early this afternoon and then I think I will go see a movie – Edge of Love. Tomorrow nothing is planned but I see that the Painted Veil is still showing at one cinema (I thought it had finished) so I may go to see that. Its not on until 4.10pm though.

As you see, I don’t take well to the ebb cycles and I try to fill them with things. Keep busy, distract myself. Maybe I should just spend the two days staring out the window to see what comes up in my psyche. I am feeling sadness about Aggie, and through memories about Shadow. And I lay there remembering what sort of month September was for me last year. I moved into this house in mid September, P declared himself a few days later and I was on top of the world – new house, new relationship. His birthday party was in that time we were together and I had the time of my life. By the end of the month the relationship had morphed back into friendship and I was devastated. Then it was the first anniversary of Shadow’s death and P took me to the sea for my beautiful bittersweet day. September has always been an eventful month for me – I always move house in September for some reason – not intentionally.

So I am not looking forward to the memories associated with this month. P hasn’t emailed me since last Sunday – he is again in pull away mode after the romance he poured on me a month ago.  His life is so busy and full at the moment in contrast to my own. I feel a twinge of jealousy. I feel left out. If he’d been brave enough we’d have been a couple for nearly a year now, and I too would be preparing for the party and planning presents. I resent that he took that away from me. I don’t normally but right now I feel excluded from a significant place in anyone’s life. I’m so sick of it.

And the excitement caused by B’s interest has long ebbed too. We hardly said two words to each other all week – and that was mostly yesterday when I was feeling extremely sad about Aggie. I told him about it and he murmured some platitudes but didn’t really seem interested. And I just couldn’t be bothered with him somehow. I feel so fickle and shallow sometimes – needing all this external attention just to feel good. I knew that it wouldn’t last – I knew that P’s interest would diminish again as I’ve seen it too many times. And B has not been the same since the evening he followed me to Bunnings. From that time on he’s pulled right back too. Pathetic creature that I am, I am left craving the attention of at least one of them and they both pull away together. Why is that? They were both hot on my heels together and now have turned away together. I just wish I could have bottled that last week of July so I could relive it whenever I wanted. I’ve never felt so good in my entire life!

But as always, this low will pass and things will look up again. Yesterday I had an amazing experience as I sat by the lake eating lunch. A magpie came up and sat on the bench really close to me. She/he was looking me straight in the eye and then she began warbling her beautiful song. It is my favourite sound of the Australian bush – the magpie – I love them. She faced me as she sang and again looked me in the eye. I’ve never experienced anything like that before. I find so much healing and pleasure in nature. They accept the natural ebbs and flows of life and don’t try to force things. I need to learn to be more like them, more accepting of where I am in life.

I am alone and need to accept that instead of struggling against the idea so much.

Nature visits

I watched the birds playing in the bird bath from my study window. The sun was shining in a blue winter sky. The leaves were falling from the fruit trees in the garden and all was golden. One bird in particular caught my eye. It wasn’t a kind I’ve noticed before and I’ve no idea what it was. I watched it play for a while then turned back to the PC. Then I heard a noise, and there was the same bird on my window ledge looking in at me. It seemed to be trying to get in to visit me. We looked at each other for maybe 10 seconds, then he turned and flew away. No bird has done that before, it was unusual but a welcome incident.

Later, I walked to the local fruit market to buy apples and broccoli. I decided to keep on walking up into the hills face area. I stopped in a lovely little park to eat an apple. Three magpies kept me company. One of them warbled his tune near me. I walked along a creek through gum trees until I reached a plant nursery. I love this nursery, nestled amongst high hills with camellias and azalias blooming all the way up the hills amongst gums and other natives. They specialise in camellias. There has been a nursery here for over 100 years. I wandered around and then walked home. It only took 20 mins to walk back.

There is a calm and tranquillity to be found in nature every day if we would but look for it. I am out in nature every single day but I often take it for granted, so wrapped up am I in my mood or my thoughts. On some level it does soothe me though. If upset I often head for the outdoors to be amongst trees, shrubs, birds and other animals. There are many kangaroos about 25 mins walk from my place but I didn’t go that way today. It wasn’t a long walk – perhaps 5km in all – I was only away from the house for an hour and a quarter. But a pleasant Sunday afternoon walk.

I can’t maintain the angst and extreme emotions for as long as I used to. I am glad about that. Today is the calm after the storm. Yesterday afternoon and today have been about acceptance of my life. I’ve done things that needed to be done, and things that I enjoy, on my own. Because I am on my own. And for as long as I remain on my own I need to be able to accept it and function appropriately. And enjoy it. I enjoyed today. Just quietly and peacefully, but genuine enjoyment. Today was a gift from the universe. Just as every day is and should be lived as such.

I’d love to go a wandering…

I have a great desire at the moment to go camping. To spend several days away from it all in the middle of nowhere. I do not want to go to a camping ground where others are. I want to go somewhere off the beaten track. I want to try to reconnect with the natural world – to go on some sort of vision quest. I feel a need to recapture something I once knew, see things I once saw, hear things I could once hear. I want to feel the Earth’s energy rising through the soles of my feet. To somehow merge with my surroundings and surrender to life.

I feel drawn to the Flinders Ranges. It is rugged and red and dry and has the most amazing ranges with multicoloured strata. There is a place called Wilpena Pound that is a most amazing natural phenomena – an enclosed completely flat and level valley within a circle of ranges – it looks as though it was formed by a meteor hit that threw up the ranges but it is apparently natural.

I have all the camping equipment I need. But there is one problem. I have never been camping on my own before. Always I have gone with others. Now I have nobody to go with as my friends are more of the 5 star type. I feel too afraid and vulnerable as a woman to go out there alone at night. I don’t like that I feel that way but I do. Strange things can happen in the Australian outback…

So I must wait. When I return from my trip to Arizona in April/May I plan to get another dog or two. When I have them I will maybe feel more able to take off with them for protection and company. I camped with Shadow in the Flinders back in 2000. It was winter with really clear skies filled with a million stars. Icy cold with no cloud cover at night. Shadow kept wanting to get out of the tent to explore and followup the noises she could hear. It wasn’t exactly a peaceful rest   Bless her.

The weather is still too hot at the moment anyway. By May it will be late Autumn and much more suitable.

But I wish I didn’t have to wait that long… I can hear the call…

Bay of fires

After driving around Tasmania for a couple of weeks I spent my last night in comfort in a cottage perched on a hill overlooking the Bay of Fires on the east coast. I sat and watched the sunset and was up to see the sunrise as well.

I enjoy travelling especially through beautiful and remote scenery. I love driving myself so I can go whereever the mood takes me and I can stop and go for walks. Tasmania is full of walks of all types and it is wonderful to arrange your day by driving from walk to walk.

Nature is the supreme artist and it is hard not to feel a sense of awe and wonder at the spectacles she creates. From the balcony where I took this photo I could glimpse dolphins playing in the sea. It was a very peaceful place.

Today I am taking a bit of a trip down memory lane and looking through my photos. Again I realise how lucky I have been to visit some amazing places. Often the photos have associated moods with them as well as memories. This one evokes peace in me.

Dinner time

I love Australia! I’ve just been lucky enough to watch these guys eating dinner in my front garden

 

Bird Talk

This evening on my daily walk I stopped in awe to watch and listen to a tree-full of crows. They are very raucous and they were wheeling about and settling in one particular gum tree. There were maybe 20-30 of them cawing loudly. I so wanted to know what they were talking about to each other and what was going on. I thought of the Indigenous Australians who used to live here and I bet they would have known the significance of it all. I just wanted to open my mind to let them in to tell me their stories.

There was a gorgeous breeze, it was not too hot and was just sublime out there this evening. I love evening light and sunsets – my favourite time of day somehow. The birds are all having one last fling before they settle to bed for the night. I’m so privileged to live here – on my walk I could be out in the bush away from suburbia and I just adore listening to the magpies – they are my favourites with their warbling.

It seemed somehow that only a thin barrier kept my mind from understanding what those crows were communicating. I quite often have a sense that if I could just break through some veil in my mind I’d be able to see all sorts of things that others can’t – devas and nature sprites and auras and all those sorts of things. I sometimes feel I could understand what the birds are calling to each other and what the trees are whispering.

I think if we harness the powers of the mind we’ll be able to do all those things. And its not as far off as we might think. Imagine if we could all become real Dr Doolittles and ‘talk to the animals’? I think we would learn a lot!

Mt Everest

Mt Everest is big.

I mean really big.

I consider myself one of the luckiest people on the planet because I’ve actually seen her, in the flesh, so to speak. Last year I visited Everest’s north face base camp in Tibet. I was over 5 km above sea level. The air is pretty thin up there. From the Tibetan side you get a fantastic view of the entire mountain.

She is awe-inspiring and magnificent. She radiates a power and a presence. You understand why the Sherpas call her ‘Chomolongma’ – ‘Mother Goddess of the Universe’. I wanted to fall to my knees and worship.Standing before her I felt humility – such a tiny human presence before such a majestic presence. Chomolongma is alive.

I am not a mountaineer and I do not understand the compulsion that drives people to climb to the peak. For me it is enough to stand before the mountain and soak up the atmosphere and the magnificent sight. Nonetheless, it fascinates me how long it takes to climb a peak like Everest. How many times the climbers ascend and descend, each time pushing a little higher to acclimatise and prepare the way for the next push upward. It takes months. And even then only a relative few ever make it to the top.

Unfortunately it seems the climb to the summit has become just another industry these days – no longer the great adventure it once was. The once pristine slopes are now littered with rubbish and the dead.I’m still torn between admiration for those who’ve climbed her and the belief that there are some places that mankind should never go. I hate it when people use the term ‘conquered’ with regard to climbing mountains.

I have no desire to climb her but I am glad to have been privileged enough to stand before her.

User interface revolution

I’ve just returned from my evening walk. I am extremely lucky to live on the edge of suburbia and so I have the pleasure of walking each day through bush filled gullies full of kookaburras, galahs, magpies and other native birds. Tonight I was thinking about what to write in this post and what I wanted to say. I suddenly realised I was lost in my thoughts and almost oblivious to my wonderful surroundings. The setting sun cast a gorgeous rosy glow over everything and I was struck, as always, by the light shining on the pale pink bark of a gum tree. I refocussed my attention on the world around me and found myself connecting with nature. I have a great love for, and deep connection with the Australian bush and through that I find I relate to the Indigenous Australians and their exquisite sense of place. They knew how to live in harmony with nature.

I work in the IT business and so spend a great deal of my waking life in a climate controlled office building in front of a computer. There is nothing intuitive about the user interfaces we use – monitor, keyboard, mouse. I find I long for the day I can walk amongst the gum trees whilst working – perhaps dictating my requirements to the robot walking alongside me – perhaps a robotic dog I can take for a walk. Why must I sit all day (completely unnatural for humans) and contort my fingers into unnatural postures just to document my work? Can we clever humans reconnect with the world around us, the world we evolved to cope with, and design computer user interfaces that are natural and seamless?

My evening walk is for relaxation, pleasure and fitness – not for work. But wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could integrate our work into our lives so that we could be living in concert with nature and not snatching 30 minutes here and there?

What is natural for humans? What do we enjoy doing?

• Walking and moving – therefore let’s design interfaces that move with us like my robotic dog
• Talking and communicating – so let’s stop typing on a keyboard and clicking a mouse and start talking and writing with a stylus
• Spending time outdoors – why can’t I give a message to a tree to be passed on instead of writing an email?
• Looking at real things – ideas and concepts perhaps projected as holographic images in 3 dimensions in space
• Interacting with our surroundings – virtual and augmented reality but without the cumbersome helmets and gloves – ok I admit we need something but it should be unobtrusive, something we can wear all the time and forget about.

Life shouldn’t be spent tucked away from the natural world, straining our eyes and fingers in ways they were never meant to go. Evolution hasn’t kept up with our change of lifestyle, our bodies don’t cope well with this new way of working. I know there are brilliant people out there looking at different ways we can interact with computers in a more natural way (eg MIT Media Lab, HitLabNZ). I say bring it on – let us find ways to connect technology with nature in a naturalistic way to enhance our lives. Why don’t we start a revolution – throw away your monitors, keyboards, laptops and start walking and talking to robots, interacting with holograms and living the life augmented. One day…