So this is it

Finally I am having fun in my life. Being a Capricorn I seem to live life backwards. I am living out experiences that many have in their teens and early twenties – back then I was too serious and intense to really enjoy myself.

I am also learning what it is like to actually be nurtured and cherished by someone. I am discovering how to openly, honestly and respectfully communicate in a deep and meaningful way. I’m learning not to hold things back, not to brood or stew. I am finding that no matter what I do or say or how I do or say it, I am accepted, forgiven, respected, admired, empathised with and yes, even loved. Regardless.

Far from pulling away from me the opposite has occurred. For once I actually feel I am the one least engaged in a relationship. That is bizarre especially in the circumstances. And yet, I feel the intensity coming at me is more than that going back. And I love it. It is empowering to encounter this.

I am being given affection, understanding, empathy, gifts, deep communication and connection. I am experiencing passion, intensity and wild, crazy zaniness. There is lots of laughter, some tears, dancing, singing, living…

I need this.  It is a neccessary step on my path of self growth. Surely it doesn’t always have to be hard work and pain? For now I am living in the moment, perhaps acting a bit recklessly at times, but I am feeling, experiencing, being. Yes I am still in my head rather too much but that is changing too. I thought I analysed a lot! I’m not the only one.

There is also much soul searching going on on both sides. There is a compulsion to this situation that may well pass with a bit more time. A lot of things won’t change and all of this will come to an end. Doesn’t everything? That is no reason to not go into something. Fear of it ending, fear of being hurt. Nobody truly lives if they live always within safety and comfort zones. What I am gaining, what we both are gaining, is immeasurable.

This may be a repeat pattern in some ways but it is like nothing I’ve ever known before. I am filled with gratitude for this opportunity.

The process

Last Wednesday I lodged an application for a job. It was an interesting process. When I first saw it advertised I was hesitant even though it is my line of work and where, in theory at least, I want to head. Was it the fact that it was only a 12 month contract? Was it the fact that it is twice as far from home as my current workplace? I couldn’t determine the source of my reluctance.

However, I decided to apply – or at least to write the application and see if that helped to bring to the surface any doubts. The job appeared on a Friday and I spent that first weekend avoiding doing any work on the application at all. On the Monday I rang the contact officer for the position and had a long chat to her. She also gave me the phone number of the current incumbent of the position – who was on rec leave – and encouraged me to speak to her too. I rang her and she was in the shops but happily found a corner to stand and answer my questions. I was impressed by both of them and decided to definitely apply.

So the weekend leading up to my birthday (which was the Monday) I spent alone at my computer spending hours on this application. 18 selection criteria to address. It was a long, hard slog but I completed it. Even after all that effort, even after lodging it, I still couldn’t get excited or enthused somehow. This is unlike me when it comes to exploring new job opportunities.

Then on Friday, two days later, I was given a research task to do in my current job. Something interesting for a change. And right in line with this new job I’ve applied for. Suddenly, actually immersed in the area I got enthused. My excitement levels grew and I knew this is the sort of work I want to do next. I was on track with applying for this job. I’d focussed on one aspect of the job, that isn’t as exciting, but there is a different component (a new component in fact) that really does get my adrenaline going.

I have to wait now to see if I’m shortlisted for an interview, and if so, see if I can win the job. I feel there may well be people with more recent experience than mine in these particular specific areas. My experience is a few years old but I have been doing other things that would transfer easily. But in this day of many applicants I find employers tend to go for the closest match. So I’m not overly confident of being successful. Nonetheless it has highlighted the direction for me – a direction I was heading years ago but got sidetracked. Now I know I do want to go back that way I was headed.

The job is based out of the city, by the beach. I live in the foothills which I love, but I also like the beach. It may be a longer drive each day if I get the job – but who wouldn’t like the opportunity to take walks on the beach in their lunch break? Its a great beach too - not very busy at all – but white sand and crystal clear waters. I visited the beach during the day recently and there were three other people and a dog on the beach. Heaven. In actual fact, it only takes me 15 -20 minutes more to travel there than my current workplace. 40 minutes instead of 25. That didn’t end up being enough to put me off. As for the 12 month thing – well they say there is a possibility of a further 12 month extension – but my current contract runs out in May, and although its been extended twice already, there are no guarantees it will continue. And six months at a time is all they’ll do so I’m still uncertain of the future. But as my current job gives me no satisfaction anymore, what is the point of staying? Yes, I’d like the security of a permanent job but they are few and far between in my line of work.

So what is this job I’m finally getting enthused about? What is this area I know I want to head back into? It is eLearning. The development of online learning for a State government department. Analysing systems, developing instructional designs and developing content in conjunction with subject specialists. That is the baseline of the job. I’ve done that sort of thing before. It is the part I focussed on initially. I enjoy that sort of thing but it didn’t get me enthused because it is not so challenging. But there is a fairly new component to this job and that is to review and analyse all of the training delivered by this organisation to see where eLearning could be effectively used. Reading between the lines there could be resistance to this, there’d be a lot of negotiating, influencing, advising and promoting change. Looking to improve the system – now that is the kind of challenge that really appeals to me. eLearning is my area and I know I’d have a million ideas on how to improve things once I took a look around.  And with so many exciting developments in technology – well just thinking of how that might apply in this instance would be, well, fun!

I find myself spontaneously visualising myself in the job, walking along the beach, driving there each day. Act as if, isn’t that what they say you should do? But then let go of all outcomes and expectations (always the hard bit). The main point here though, is it has reignited my passion for eLearning and for promoting system wide change and improvement. My mind and my passions have been dulled in this current role, to the point where it was hard to see my way forward. A job I applied for last December, that I didn’t win, started me heading in the right direction. But it wasn’t actually a good match – it was closer than my current job but not close enough. Who knows, this latest job may also not be the best match, but it has helped refine further where I want to be going in the short term at least (I still do have some other long term visions and goals).

I needed to blurt this all out today. It is a hot public holiday (Australia Day) and I am at home getting enthused by myself It is nice to share with others these thoughts and feelings.

Oh, and did I mention that this job happens to be at a higher level and pays over $6,000 more than my current job?

Vita Brevis

Oh I am inspired.

Over the weekend I finally got around to reading Vita Brevis by Jostein Gaarder (also published as That Same Flower).

This story is just begging to be turned into a film. I could just see it all running in my mind’s eye as I read it. What a story of intrigue, drama and tragedy. And supposedly true.

In brief, it is a translation by Gaarder of a 16th Century manuscript he found in a shop in Buenos Aries. The manuscript is allegedly a copy of a 4th Century letter from Floria Aemilia to St Augustine (then the Bishop of Hippo). She was the woman mentioned in his ‘Confessions’ with whom he lived for over a decade and had a son. Writing many years after her banishment from him and her son, she gives her view on his philosophy and fills in some gaps in his confessions.

Whether true or not, it makes for a memorable story. The woman just springs off the page, alive and vibrant and passionate. I love her

And I can relate to her story so much – I identified very strongly with her. Her words just resonated through my psyche the whole time I was reading. She has fascinated me and filled my thoughts and I think if ever I were to take the plunge and attempt to write a screenplay she would be the inspiration and heroine.

P.S. ‘Vita Brevis’ translates as ‘life is short’.

Anniversary

one year ago
 our first deep kiss
  you said
   “feels good and right to me -
    I want you”
     hazel gazed into green eyes
      our passion woke and tantalised
       soft future promise spoke
        I’ll stay with you
         next week
          dazed and happy I was
           I fell in love
            with you it seemed I had it all

            three nights ago
           our bodies merge
          you come
         in a veil of secrecy -
        you want me
       hazel gazes in green eyes
      our passion wakes and satisfies
     soft future promise speak
    you’ll stay with me
   next month
  am I happy you ask
 I am and yet
I know you can give no more

Deep within

Deep within
 You are
  Inside me
   Of me
    We join
     Union deep and mystical
      I breathe you in

Deep within
 I am
  Inside you
   Of you
    We meld
     Passion intense and physical
      You breathe me in

Deeper within
 We are
  Inside us
   Of us
    We merge
     Love clean and spiritual
      We breathe us in

Deepest within
 Where ends one
  Where begins another
   Meld as one
    We are
     United one being
      Must this end?

Passion and purpose

My most popular post is ‘Things I am passionate about’. It is also the most active. I wrote it on the 19th February and I find it amazing that it is still viewed nearly every day. People search on that phrase or similar ones. Makes me think that a lot of people out there might be looking to find what they are passionate about.

This wasn’t always my most popular post. I’ve noticed it rise to the top in the last few weeks. And I wonder if there is perhaps a message in that for me – is this list something I need to revisit? Nothing really has changed, I can’t think of anything in particular I need to add to the list. But something about this post, this list is calling me. I need to be reminded of these things that make me passionate so I can incorporate more of them into my daily life.

They are all things that I can do or experience alone. I don’t need a romantic partner for any of them (although there are a few things not on the list that engender passion and that do involve a romantic partner ) What I am saying here is that I don’t need to wait for anyone in order to live passionately.

Something is brewing in my subconscious. I recognise the signs as it happens regularly. Things start to shake up a bit; any complacency I’m feeling at the time starts to crack; I get restless. Things have been strange at work this week so far and yet all in all I’ve been happier with work recently than I have in a long time. I can see now that I’ve been pushing the boundaries a bit with my boss. (No I’m not becoming insubordinate – although I have literally been called that in the past by one particular boss). I like, respect and admire my current manager (and its not very often I’ve been able to say that in my career).

I’m keeping in contact with the woman I met last week who is a State Manager for one of the NGOs. The idea of working in overseas aid in some way still appeals. I’ve always loved the idea of a job that includes overseas travel to interesting places. But there are also some interesting possibilities brewing in my current work place. What I really need is something to challenge me, push me beyond what I think I can do. I’ve never encountered that before and so I get bored easily. A real challenge is what I need. REALLY.

Astrologically speaking, Saturn is about to cross my Ascendant – tomorrow (10th). A big deal. It is the teacher, the Master coming to take a look at me and see how I shape up. (in all probability it will be a disciple of his that checks me out as I’m not that important in the scheme of things). If I shape up then I might be given something useful, important and challenging to do. If not… well then more boredom and drudgery I suppose.

All of this is unsettling me. But I quite like that because I thrive on change. I like drama and excitement, the thrills and spills of life. But one can’t live like that all the time. I am now looking for my purpose, my reason for being on the planet. This may be a big chance to get some insights into what it is. I believe it involves taking and interweaving so many of those things I am passionate about. Everything is connected although we tend to compartmentalise a lot in our minds. I like the transdisciplinary approach to problem solving – taking bits from many areas to solve the problem.

But what exactly is the problem to be solved? World peace? End of poverty? Universal education? Meeting the Millenium Development Goals. Clean water for all? Saving the environment. End of hunger. Equal rights. Human rights. Love and compassion for all beings. ALL beings – not just other humans. Spiritual growth and evolution. Truth, liberty, egalitarianism. Beauty. Unleashing and recognising the beauty in all things.

I’ll start with meeting the Millenium Development Goals. It is something that we can actually do if only we value humanity enough.

Edge of Love

Yesterday I went to the movies. First I went and had a massage and then took myself to see Edge of Love. I loved the film and came out of the cinema in that state I love – when you are still psychologically engrossed in the movie. I walked along the wet, cold street half believing I was in war torn London.

Films and books about creative people (especially writers) always catch my imagination. Anything deep and a bit dark appeals to me. Writers are often not ‘normal’ people – they live their lives on the edge and connect with meaning in a way others may not. I relate to this strongly.

The film is based on events in the life of the poet Dylan Thomas although he is not really the central character in the movie at all. Complex and passionate lives intertwined in events far from normal even in WWII. Stories like these feed something deep within me. I have never wanted an ordinary life – I always yearned for excitement, drama, intensity, passion. Instead I mostly found depression and anguish. Still there is something about pain that makes you feel alive.

Walking along those streets alone in the darkening evening I remembered all that intensity I always felt – that longing for a life that was different from those I saw around me. That longing for a deep, intense, passionate love affair with everything. And above all to create – to express myself through words. I also reconnected with the first career I wanted – to be an actor. I still think that would have been a good outlet for my psyche.

To create, to live and to love fully – must be the most important things in life. Sometimes I get lost in a smothering blanket of mediocrity and that is why I have spent so many years depressed. Life has never lived up to my expectations of what it could be. And I take full responsibility for that – nobody and nothing else is to blame. I have settled for mediocrity in my life through fear and ignorance.

The urge I had to come straight home and start writing… but alas I was due at my parent’s place for dinner. By the time I got home the mood had passed of course. But if I cannot act, I can at least write. Write my way into life, into love, into existence. Writing is a compulsion for me, I never go anywhere without a pen and notebook. My shelves groan with journals going back 30 years.

I’ve always dreamt of publishing a novel one day. Or writing a screenplay. That has gone on the back burner many times. I even have a novel in progress. But I am also a creature of impulse and find the hard yakka of turning my idea into a piece of art too hard to sustain. I lack the discipline and interest.

Again yesterday I was put in touch with the power of creating – and how that can be the very life blood of our lives. Why am I always yearning for an ordinary, normal life (whatever that might be?) when for so long I abhorred the very idea. It has made me who I am today. Complicated. Not really very stable and grounded. Intense and deep and dark at times. Is it any wonder no man wants to take me on?

It isn’t just going to be about finding love for me – personal romantic love. I have to create as well. I was born to create. Perhaps I need to find a creative partner – then we can feed off each other, spring boarding to higher states of being.

Emotional nourishment

I indulged myself last night and watched ‘The English Patient’ on dvd. I love that film.

It fed me. It nourished me. It is a way for my deep, dark emotions to come out and play for a while. They  relate and respond to the unfolding drama. Just finally accepting that this is a basic need for me makes me feel so much better somehow.

I felt good after the movie which was a pleasant outcome. I did cry of course, but not as much as I usually do. Often after this sort of film I’m left craving that passion and intensity in my own life. For the first time I could watch the intense love and sex scenes and know, through direct experience, what that passion is like (thanks, P). Instead of yearning after it, I could identify and go ‘yes’! That was actually very healing for me.

I tend to steer clear of watching these intense and tragic films too often because they can take me over in some way – affect my moods and thoughts. Last night I was under control – not possessed by the story. I must admit to a bit of confusion over the place of my deep, dark emotions. Sometimes they don’t seem particularly ’spiritual’ or dedicated to the highest good.  But then I figure I was born with this set of emotions and they are there for a reason. And I think part of the reason is that I need to use them to tell stories.

Every time I watch a movie like The English Patient, I just feel deep in my soul that I should be doing things like that. Telling stories of emotion and passion but also of redemption and healing and higher things.

I had the urge to put my deep emotions into some story form again. I’ve wanted to be a writer for a very long time. That took over from the youngster who wanted to be an actor. Finding a way to express these deeper parts of myself not just through a relationship but through my work is becoming very important to me.

My favourite films are the tragic deep ones that I can lose myself in – The English Patient, Moulin Rouge, Shakespeare in Love, Titanic. Common theme – intense passion, ultimately thwarted.  I  realised last night that I don’t need to take that on as the theme for my own relationships – which is what I’ve tended to do of course. Just because I love and relate to the emotion in these movies, doesn’t mean I need to act them out in my own life. If I can channel that intensity into a creative endeavour then I can free myself to have the good, committed relationship without the unhappy ending.  I’d never thought of it like that before. And, as an example of a happy ending – I love The Lord of the Rings trilogy and that ends happily for Aragorn and Arwen, and for Eowyn and Faramir. Happy couples. Not without their share of sorrow and tragedy along the way mind you! So a happy ever after ending is possible.

Grace, at the Wild Pomegranate, wrote about following your bliss. I asked her how to find your bliss. She replied, in part, “What it is that you do that – when you do it – you totally lose track of time and yourself in the process?”

I’ve looked at that idea several times over the past year. I made a list:

• deep in a good book that I never want to end
• watching a good movie (I love it when you come out of the movie theatre and are still ‘in’ the world of the film and you look around and go ‘where am I?’ In fact I sometimes would come out of the movie theatre thinking I WAS the main character and would be seeing things through her eyes. That is why I love going to the movies by myself – being with someone else just intrudes on that feeling)
• drawing/painting a watercolour picture of Aoraki/Mt Cook in NZ by the side of the Hooker trail
• creating an animated video/CDROM on a topic of great interest to me
• spending one Easter designing and painting celtic mandalas
• creating the reflections series of digital artworks from my photography
• downloading and editing video footage of India, Nepal and Tibet
• writing emotional content or on topics of interest to me – via blogging, journalling, essays or in story form

The key with the ‘active’ tasks was they were creative but focussing in on detail and problem solving. And all of these occasions involved creativity and visualisation and imagination. That’s where my bliss is.

Again I am wondering if I should do some sort of screenwriting course so I can actually develop a proper script/screenplay. Screenwriting and directing are areas that appeal to me.

I’m not just talking about making films here. My scope includes multimedia in all forms. And I’ve never ruled out the idea of writing a novel (I’ve one I’ve been working on since 2000).

A special man

Last night was another wonderful time spent with P. He came around after work and we spent a lovely time together. I think you know by now that I really like this man

Snuggled up next to him while he had a little sleep, I gazed at his face. My feelings for him are deep and strong and yet I still don’t feel that I am in love with him. And I am glad about that. I think if I fell in love with him again then I may want something more from him – I’d want to see him more often perhaps. I don’t know – all I know is I really like the setup we have.

It is unconventional. We’ve seen each other three times in two months (of course I was overseas for some of that time too). We live an hour’s drive apart from each other and lead busy lives – him especially. But when we do come together our attention is totally focussed on each other. So the hours we do spend in each others company become very special and precious to me.

And things seem to stay fresh and exciting. It is very passionate and tender when we do come together; I suppose we are still in the exploratory stage. I want this to continue and yet I expect nothing.  I accept what we have and just revel in it. I don’t care what others may think.

I have found a very special and beautiful man to have as a good friend. And for now, a lover as well. That is enough. I feel very lucky.

Wild love

Suddenly I crave a wild, mad, passionate love affair. One where I can just throw myself wholeheartedly into something deep and intense. Where I can give all of myself without fear and take as much as I can get from “him”. A love that consumes and burns. Where nothing matters but each other.

Where no fears can survive and love nourishes us both.

Unhealthy, yes. Attainable, no.

Things I am passionate about

Digital Technology

• Internet
• Web 2.0 (the social web)
• Augmented and Virtual reality

Communication

• Writing
• Blogging
• Deep and meaningful discussions

Nature

• Mountains
• Wilderness
• Rugged coastlines, cliffs and crashing oceans
• Animals / Birds (in the wild not in cages)
• Trees / Plants
• Stormy weather
• Wild and lonely places

Creativity

• Photography
• Film/Video making
• Multimedia development
• Digital art
• Painting

Education

• Online learning
• Use of new and current technologies
• Developing independent thinking
• Building the antakharana (rainbow bridge)

The mind

• Ideas
• Changing paradigms
• Meditation
• Travel (doesn’t really fit here specifically)

Spirituality

• Astrology
• Esoteric Psychology
• Personality integration / soul fusion
• Group work
• Right Human Relations
• Opening the heart centre
• Developing the intuition

There is of course a lot of overlap between these and they are by no means all separate and isolated. Indeed, there are connections between everything and I could, and probably should, use this list to help determine a project to work on, perhaps as a hobby.

I like making connections between things that might not ordinarily been seen as linked. I like a transdisciplinary approach that doesn’t compartmentalise areas. I’d rather look at a problem to solve and use tools and knowledge from many areas to solve it.

Policy change

Ok I admit it. I’ve been way too focussed on finding a man and having a relationship. As though nothing else in the world can make me happy or give me fulfilment. It’s been an idée fixe for almost a year now. And having come close, last year, to what I thought was the ‘real thing this time’; I admit to a teeny little twist of obsession creeping in. I grabbed hold of the idea and hung on like the proverbial bulldog unwilling to slacken my jaws and ‘drop it’.

It seems we all want to love and be loved. Especially by that one significant other, if we are lucky enough to find him or her. But holding on to the idea that only that will make me happy is unhealthy. And it is untrue as well. I am sure there are many single, unattached people out there who are quite happy and content with their lives as they are. I have not been one of them recently.

I am turning my attention away from that yearning for a partner for a while. I want to focus on my self growth. I have a sense that if I get myself sorted out in terms of what it is I want to do ‘in the world’ as well as building the bridges with my own higher self, then I may be in a position to attract the right partner. But even if I never do then at least I’ll have satisfaction and fulfilment from knowing I am doing something worthwhile and meaningful with my life.

I don’t want to sound negative, but the truth is that some people never find that special someone to share the rest of their life with (or even part of it). Does that mean their lives were wasted? Futile? No I don’t believe that is true. I do think love is extremely important but it doesn’t have to be expressed as intimate, romantic, sexual love. As long as you can love in other ways you have lived. If you can love in the romantic sense too then you are lucky.

It is a cliché but one I believe to be accurate – when you are happy within yourself without external factors influencing you the entire time, then, and only then, can you really find a satisfying relationship. I will say that some people reach this stage of self love through a wonderful relationship so it can happen in many ways. We all have different paths to take – some grow through relationships, others don’t have satisfying relationships until they have grown ready for it.

I don’t think I will attract the right person into my life if I am in the depths of despair. Friends last night commented on the difference in me between then and last Wednesday evening when I last saw them. I was in a terrible state last Wednesday. They said I was white as a sheet and ‘shut down’, withdrawn. Last night I was much more vivacious and bright and they remarked how much more appealing I looked when I was animated. This was in no way any sort of put down to what I was like last week. But I realised that I am not usually interested in men I meet who are ‘closed off’. What I find really attractive is a man who has a passion for something in his life. The last man I loved was passionate about literature and he just lit up as he spoke about it. I found that very sexy! The first time he kissed me was the day I showed him around my new house and neighbourhood and was glowing with excitement and warmth.

I have things I am passionate about in my life but they tend to get overlooked or downplayed when I am focussed too much on other things. It is time to reconnect with those passions, spend some time doing those things I really love and enjoy. And perhaps sometime, if I’m lucky, the right man will come along and join me. But I cannot live my live as if that was the only thing that mattered to me. I will find other ways to express the love that I sometimes feel bursting out of me.

Back at work

I find Paul’s post at Café Philos on achieving happiness to be especially relevant today as I return to work after 11 days off over the silly season. I like my job but I don’t feel it makes best use of my talents and it certainly doesn’t challenge me. And I am definitely not passionate about it. I’ve always felt like this about my paid employment but I’ve finally come to the conclusion, as Paul notes, that I need to do what I am passionate about regardless…

Finding what it is that you are passionate about isn’t always easy I find – although it should be. I love anything creative – writing, multimedia development, photography, painting. I love the good ol’ world wide web and web 2.0. I love anything futuristic. I love astrology, metaphysics, ideas and connecting in a deep and meaningful way. I’ve never found that stuff in a paid job so now I’m taking the first baby step to living my passion by starting up my blogs. My hope is that I can connect with many inspiring people out there  -and I already have – through writing and the web. I hope that between us we can find new ways to meet the needs of the world as a community as well as individually.

So thanks Paul, for the inspirational and timely post and for reminding me that we can indeed do what we are called to do and live authentically even whilst also holding down a job.