Thank you

My heartfelt thanks to everyone of you for your comments and support in recent days, and in fact ever since I started this blog.  I’m profoundly amazed all the time by the wonderful people out here in the blogosphere.

Life goes on. I am doing ok – after all Rajah had left my life in every practical sense already – so my day to day routine stays the same. It came as a huge shock but I’m adapting. I wonder if he had a seizure (digging is a side effect apparently) and this wouldn’t surprise me as I always had a suspicion there might be something neurologically abnormal with him. I’ll never know, but he’s gone now and I’m accepting it.

I’ve been going to the gym six days a week, doing weights and cardio. I’ve been out and about with work a lot recently too. As I said, life goes on.

Update

The vet has just rung. Yes Rajah has a fracture and has to be operated on to have a pin and wire inserted into his leg. They said I could bring him home tonight and take him back tomorrow but I have no way to keep him quiet and confined so she recommended leaving him in the vet tonight. Then he’ll probably have to stay tomorrow night too for pain relief and monitoring of his progress. It will cost around AUD1300. Phew… I don’t begrudge it – I can afford it – but wow that is expensive.

But the main thing is to make sure my little guy is ok and the best care is taken of him. Part of me wants him home tonight but I can’t keep him quiet and settled and he sleeps separately from me so I’d be worried about him all night. He is better off at the vet’s tonight. He is apparently comfortable and happy enough and they have staff there all night to keep an eye on him which is more than I could do.

Funny how much I miss him. Wonder if I’ll be able to catch up on some sleep tonight – that will be one advantage if I can (the only one probably). Lucky he’s independent and won’t get too sooky without me – never once did Shadow stay overnight in a vet – and she would have been sooky without me. I’ve had Rajah two weeks and he’s in overnight already!

It gets worse

My poor little puppy is in the vet at the moment. Has been there for six hours so far and I still haven’t heard about him. This morning a bird got into the back room and Rajah took an almighty leap to try and catch it – he jumped over 5 feet in the air. Down he came and YELP. I didn’t see exactly what he did but his rear left leg was hurt. He was holding it up and not putting any weight on it. The vet said it could be a fracture around the knee area in one of the growing areas. She kept him in to do xrays. It is a 24 hour emergency vet so they are pretty busy, when I rang a while ago the vet was in surgery with another animal and will ring me when she gets out.

Rajah may need to stay in and have a pin put in his leg if it is fractured. Or he may just need anti-inflammatories. I’m so glad I decided to make the 24 hour emergency vet surgery his default as he’s been there twice now on a Sunday (and I’ve only had him two weeks). It costs a fortune on a Sunday but at least they are open. And I’d end up taking him there anyway as his regular vet would be closed if I took him elsewhere. This vet is only 15 mins from home so not too far. It is the same vet I took Shadow too at 2am when she was at the end of her tether. She was euthanased at that vet and they were so good. So now I take Rajah there.

Part of me thought I could have a rest without him around all day but I find I really miss the little guy despite all the headaches! A friend came round this afternoon as planned so that helped take my mind off his absence. I guess if he does stay in overnight it will allow me to sleep a bit better tonight perhaps and sleep in tomorrow morning but knowing me I’ll not be able to make the most of it anyway. Poor poppet, I hope this doesn’t affect his mobility and agility long term. It is not good for a puppy to hurt themselves and damage the growing joints which are still soft.

How on earth I’ll keep him quiet and still whilst he’s recovering is anyone’s guess – it just won’t be possible.  I do hope he’ll be ok. They weighed him at the vet and he’s put on 4kg in two weeks!!!! That is a huge amount. He is getting plumpish but he’s also growing so quickly. I’m still adjusting to how much to feed him and perhaps he’s getting a bit too much. He’s not really fat or anything but looks well fed. He now weighs 12.5 kg.

Shadow was a very expensive dog with many health issues – I think perhaps Rajah may be the same! Never mind, I love them anyway. But right now I am just waiting to hear from the vet what the situation is and if he’ll need to stay over and have an operation tomorrow or if I can bring him home tonight.

Wits end

I must admit to being a bit anxious at the moment. Rajah has been with me two weeks now and we are still undergoing almighty battles over who is leader of the pack. I’m not getting enough sleep because I’m trying to give him lots of time and attention when I am home (he sleeps alone and is alone all day poor bunny) and I wake around 4am and doze fitfully until I get up around 6am. I spend around an hour and a half with him in the morning – walk, play, cuddles, training. Then I get home around 6pm and spend 3-4 hours with him again. Part of that time I read a book and he potters around. But I am exhausted. I want my life back – well the part where I could sleep in and relax in my living room. We spend most of our time in his room – the rumpus room out the back – because I have to watch him every second inside the main part of the house.

Sometimes he’s an angel and really well behaved. But he is a real Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde – and I’m never sure which one I’ll get. I make him sit and wait until I give the word to eat his food and he’s very good with that. But he does keep biting and challenging me. On the lead, out walking, he’s pretty good. He’s smart. Too smart. He’s learnt to pretend to be submissive because he gets rewarded when he is. So I think what he is doing is the aggressive thing, then backing off so I praise him. It is a sure fire way to get my attention and possibly a treat. I try to praise him and reward him when he is quietly doing his own thing without bothering me but that then draws his attention back to me. Oh it is so hard trying to outwit an 18 week old puppy Don’t I sound pathetic?

He is a Coolie (or Koolie), a working dog bred in Australia. They are extremely smart and loyal. Rajah is very affectionate and he’s an independent little chap which I really appreciate. He’s just been allowed to think he’s boss for too long. Apparently age 8-16 weeks is crucial in terms of imprinting in pups. I got him at 16 weeks so he’d already learnt all the wrong lessons by that stage. This morning we had a huge battle and I honestly don’t know if I can keep this up. If I can’t get some control over him in the next two weeks or so then I might have to give him away or something. I don’t want to. I really don’t. I fully accept it is me who is the problem – I just don’t seem to come across as a leader to him. He needs very strong leadership – which I thought I could give him – but it seems not. Maybe he would be better out on a farm with some burly male ordering him around. Maybe I would be better off there too

The dog trainer, Mark, was brilliant with him. Rajah accepted his authority very quickly although he did challenge him too. I get too het up and emotional and that gets Rajah worked up too. I need to stay calm and assertive. I think, if I crack this, I’ll write a book – Everything I know about leadership I learnt from my dog! I do not want to admit defeat on this one but both our lives will be miserable if things don’t get sorted soon. If I give him a month and still can’t attain leader of the pack status then I doubt I ever will.

Now I am tired and maybe not thinking clearly. I haven’t slept properly for a long time now. Even before I got Rajah I had got into bad sleeping patterns and whilst the patterns have changed since I got him, I’m still not sleeping enough. I want to spend time with my dog – I hate that he spends so much time alone – I want him in the house with me – but it is so tiring and draining as it is a constant battle of wits. I am exhausted. And I don’t want my wonderful new job to suffer. I do droop a bit at work in the afternoons. I can’t afford to do that.

Rajah and I have bonded and it would upset me immensley to let him go. And who would take him on? It would have to be someone pretty tough and authoratative. He is a real challenge and I don’t know how many people are prepared to deal with that. Most just want a nice, affectionate, friendly dog to come home to. Part of the trouble is Rajah is not yet fully vaccinated so I can’t let him near other dogs. I do take him for two walks a day – early morning and after dark – to try to avoid other dogs. But it isn’t enough. Because he is a pup still I can’t take him on my full daily walk (how I miss it) for quite a while yet. It is another month until he is fully covered by his vaccinations. Then he can meet and play with other dogs and I can take him to obedience classes. But in the meantime the battle for supremacy goes on. He just doesn’t take me seriously even when I do the things Mark suggested and that he demonstrated. They worked for him. If I could just tire this pup out it would help. We kick the ball around the yard for hours each day too.

Some days I feel we are making headway and things go well. Then the next day it all seems to fall in a heap again. On Thursday I was offered another dog. It had been abandoned by its owners who had moved interstate and just left the dog with a friend. The friend can’t keep her. She was a lovely dog, one year old, had been to puppy school and was quite well behaved. But I don’t know how dominant she’d be – she’d need to be tough to deal with Rajah. The idea was that she’d play with him all day and wear him out but all I could see was two dogs to have to train and walk. Anyway this dog, Ruby, was a staffy x bulldog and that is not the kind of dog that appeals to me. She was beautiful but not my kind of dog. And I just don’t think I could handle two unless the other was really well trained and behaved already and could knock some doggy sense into Rajah.

Mark, the dog trainer, has offered a free follow up visit. I did ring him the other day to talk about taking on another dog and my ongoing issues with Rajah. He gave me more advice which worked a treat with Rajah to start with. But Rajah already seems to have worked out how to turn it to his advantage without submitting. He is so clever – he’s outwitting me at the moment I am ashamed to say. Anyway, I will probably be getting Mark back next week sometime for more tips and advice.

Why do I ask for challenge? I certainly have got it in this little puppy! Will things ever settle down for us? I can’t go on like this for too much longer. Something has to give.

Exhaustion.. but for the right reasons

Both Rajah and I are totally pooped. We spent three hours with the dog trainer this afternoon. Poor little Rajah is having his brain rewired! As is his mum! I have to do things differently around here to show Rajah who is boss. It has already started with him totally submitting to Mark, the trainer, and beginning to submit to me. Of course we have a week of him lording it over me to overcome, plus his first 16 weeks of being a dominant dog who got his own way. But he learns quick although he is feisty. I will have a few battles over the next few weeks. But it is worth it. Just I am so tired right now that it is hard to be constantly on the ball reinforcing consistently the behaviours and attitude I want Rajah to develop. But it is so worthwhile otherwise I might end up with a delinquent child.

But at least I have some idea of what to do now – before I was trying to learn from books, internet and friends. There is nothing like one on one coaching from an expert. It exhausts me to think of the effort I’ll need to put in over the next few weeks and months but hey, I did choose a puppy! From the pound! Good pups don’t necessarily end up in those places.

This morning I went and had a one hour massage just to try to compensate for lack of sleep and anxiety. Was wonderful. I now feel much happier about dealing with Rajah effectively too. I can see light at the end of the tunnel although it is dim right now still. This pup is awesome and will be such a great companion if we get off to the right start. He is in the back room now and I can predict he’ll be fast asleep after so much learning. I could happily curl up and sleep for a week now too.

The job is going well too. I felt a bit guilty last week as my attention was always half on Rajah even when at work. But it is good that it is a quiet time at work and I’m still settling in so my diverted attention isn’t too problematic. I am very happy with the move though. As I write this post I suddenly have an uplifting of the heart and a sense that all is going to be very well in my life. It already is in fact – if only I can keep the positive focus. Lack of sleep always predisposes me to the negative. I’ve really landed on my feet with this new job – it is actually much better than I’d anticipated. And I think Rajah was drawn to me because the universe knows I am prepared to put time and energy into the little guy whereas others would just banish him or hit him or abandon him. Not me. He’s with me for life. It won’t be dull or boring I know that for sure.

And a thousand apologies to all my blog friends out there. I am aware of how remiss I have been about visiting your blogs and commenting. I apologise profusely. I no longer have internet access at work and am too tired to hop on at home after a day in my new job and especially now with Rajah to focus on. I thank you for still visiting me and commenting and always really appreciate your support. I’ll catch up on your worlds as soon as I can.

Easter

Wow, where do I start. Talk about a hundred warring things going on in my psyche right now. It is Good Friday. I have had my puppy, Rajah, almost a week now. He was so challenging for the first five days as he was a biter. Not just nips but ‘hang off your jeans and not let go, full teeth on skin, I’m covered in bruises and cuts’ type biting. I tried many things but in the end (at my wits end) I sprayed him with a cucumber face mist atomiser when he bit. Three times and it worked like magic. I now have a non biting pup! Thank goodness – it really was more than I could handle. He still needs to be shown the bottle every now and then but he backs right off without needing to be sprayed.

He is a poppet – he doesn’t have separation anxiety and I can leave him in his back room (with access to the garden) overnight and during the day without any fuss. Right now I am taking a break at the computer and he is in his part of the house and I haven’t heard a peep out of him. He is very independent. But when I open up the door and let him in my part of the house he still needs constant watching – he is house trained in his area but not in the main part of the house. He is trying to mark it as his territory as he is a very dominant little creature. So when I need a break I put him out in his area. I need to relax sometimes and with him in here I have to keep watch on him every second to stop him peeing or chewing things he shouldn’t. He has lots of chew toys and I gave him a bone the other day that he is still working on from time to time. He likes a pigs ear every now and then too.

I get up around 6am to spend at least an hour with him before I get ready for work. I have been sleeping better the last few nights but still awake early and feel anxious knowing I have responsibility for this little life. I spend several hours playing with him in the evenings and then there is the constant watch to see what he is up to. On the alert so much. We have a short walk in the morning because he is too young for long walks and also he is not fully vaccinated yet so needs to be kept clear of other dogs. There is a park right across from my house so we go there as we can make a quick exit home if neccessary. There is no rest for me except when I am in bed.

All in all he is great but he is a 4 month old puppy and they are exhausting. Add that to my new job (I know I am a sucker for punishment getting a pup so soon after starting a new job) and I am physically exhausted and emotionally drained. And then we confront the fact that it is Easter and it was this time last year that P and I started our sexual relationship. Easter was earlier last year and our second encounter fell on this current weekend so it is a double whammy. This time last year he was here, in my bed, and now he is … I don’t know where, doing I don’t know what. I know it is my emotional state at the moment, my tiredness, that makes me a bit weepy. I want him back so much but he’s gone forever. And I know he’d never have stood by me with Rajah as he is not a dog person. He wouldn’t have been the one to help and support me. I think that is what I miss – I am doing this puppy parenting solo and I would love the support of a partner through it all. So I could just rest a while whilst my man kept an eye on Rajah in the house.

I do believe Rajah will be a great addition to my life – he already is – but once we are both more settled and he has learnt my house rules it will be easier. I knew what a pup entailed which is why I always planned to adopt another adult dog (like Shadow when I adopted her). But life had other things in mind. I know I have to sacrifice my garden to Rajah’s exuberance. All in all I accept that but there are several plants I associate with P because he gave them to me or was with me when I bought them. The rose bush in particular. The whole rose bush story! At least it has thorns and has made Rajah squeal at least once that I know of. But I have to accept that all those plants may well go. And perhaps that will be for the best – I am so sentimental about five bushes! If they are dug up or eaten or whatever, then perhaps that will be good and will help remove those associations and memories I have every time I enter my garden. P is all around me quite literally. And Rajah particularly likes to pee on THAT rug – the shag pile rug that was where P and I did a lot of, well, shagging! Ha just saw the coincidence of P and pee. Lots of P/pee on that rug

My life is never going to be the same. I thought long and hard about it and knew that my social life would be severely restricted with a dog. That is ok, but I wonder now if I’ll ever meet some wonderful new man and if he’ll be prepared for a part time puppy in his life. Because I won’t be leaving Rajah for hours on end to be with a man when he’s already alone so much. But once Rajah is fully vaccinated (by mid May) I’ll take him to dog obedience and perhaps I can meet some other dog lovers who I can socialise with whilst including dogs.

And I was like this (and worse) when I first adopted Shadow so I know it gets better. Shadow was two but still puppyish and she was my first ever pet and I just didn’t know what to do with her half the time. I got post canine depression! I was living alone then too. She ended up being my best friend and companion and she gave me so much love over the years. I know this little guy will do the same. I just look forward to a time down the track a bit when we are settled and have a good understanding. Right now it is still a bit of a battle of the wills. He’s pretty good though, all in all.

And tomorrow I have a dog trainer coming to assess Rajah and me. He has trained police dogs, defence forces dogs and customs dogs. He has been working with dogs for 28 years. I asked him to come whilst Rajah was still biting as I knew I had to get that under control. I think I have now but I still want this guy’s advice on how to train Rajah and how to teach Rajah that I am the leader of the pack. I’m not good at consistency and repetition and I think I give Rajah mixed messages sometimes. He learns so quickly that I need to be sure I am teaching him the right things.

I love my new job, I love my new pup. I wanted change and challenge and now have it. I will relish it in time but I am so far out of my comfort zone at the moment that I am finding it hard to adjust. Doing it all on my own. Will it always be this way in my life? Always alone? I have supportive friends and parents but it isn’t the same as support under the same roof. From a loving, committed partner. Oh I still want that very, very much one day. But I can’t put my life on hold waiting for it. So I get a new job and get a new puppy and get on with my new life. And I’m not alone anymore – I do have Rajah for cuddles and company.  I must find a way to put P behind me and move on. Maybe I should just encourage Rajah to eat all those plants P gave me

My boy Rajah